Name: Season's Greetings w/ Santa | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #313
Uploaded: 2020-12-18T17:01:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Season's Greetings w/ Santa | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #313' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Season's Greetings w/ Santa | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #313' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-18. Transcript available.

Season's Greetings w/ Santa | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #313

And we are here. We are here. It is Friday, December 1-8th in the year 2020.
And you know, it's wild. Some people thought we'd never make it to 2020.
Some people, they call naysayers. And that's a naysayer.
And you say it and they say, nay.
And that's a naysayer, bro.
But here we are.
You know, and we are just rambling through time.
It's kind of interesting. Even if I just sit down and do nothing, I'm still
traveling at the speed of time.
It's really interesting when you think about it. You could lay in a bed. You
could be in a damn coma, bro.
You could be in a food coma and a real coma.
You could have been in a car accident after Thanksgiving.
And so you double-combed it.
Lay in there.
I mean, just still as a damn frozen orphan.
And, uh, and you're still traveling through time.
You're still clocking miles, you know.
I think it was maybe episode 60 or something.
They had Tiny Sand Who came through.
With a very, with a very, with just a, um, just that ear tickler.
That seasonal ear tickler from the great Tiny Sand Who.
Let's hear it a little bit right now.
Remember that? Remember that? Remember Tiny?
Come on!
That's Jingle Bells.
There he is, buddy.
Who could forget that, man?
Who could forget that, man?
And that was almost, that was probably, you know, 140 episodes, 240 episodes
ago or something.
Jesus, what have we been talking about in here?
I mean, what have we been talking about?
Um, I'm grateful to still be here with you.
I'm grateful and I hope that you are, uh, I hope you're leaning into the
holidays.
You know, I didn't realize it was the holidays suddenly.
And then, bam, bro.
You know?
Like a brother with a freaking, uh, you know, like a brother with a ski mask.
This shit just rolls up on you.
You know, bam, the holidays is right there.
And, um, and suddenly here we are.
And it is that time of year, man.
It is that time of year when you get to feel it a little bit.
And especially in such a wild year.
Let me play a couple of sounds that remind me of Christmas.
That's the sound of, like, maybe somebody.
You know, somebody's just, like, on a second date.
And they decide that they actually like each other or something.
And they just kind of, like, you know, start to, they're having whipped cream
or something.
They put it on each other's face or something.
You know?
And then she kind of smirks.
And he kind of, like, maybe he hides behind a tree or something.
And then she, uh, you know, um, spills her eggnog in the park.
And he's like, oh, I didn't do it.
You know?
So that's a little bit of Christmas right there.
Euphoria right there.
That's called A Christmas Dance by Arthur Benson.
And let's see if we got another sound right here.
Oh, damn.
This one, you high as hell, bro.
This one, you high as hell, bro.
That's when you believe in, um, that's when you believe you drive a reindeer.
That's when you believe that.
Um, dude, the other night, so I went to this deal over here.
Oh, a couple things happened to me.
So, one, people's getting soft, man.
People is getting soft.
Dude, they not fully baking people anymore.
Some people, they seem like, like, I was, when I was born, I was baked at
probably about 450 degrees for nine months.
You know what I'm saying?
And that's how to, that, that's how I rolled out of my ma.
But you got MFers out here.
Some soft batch.
Cotton boys out here just.
Dude, here's what happened.
So, I went to this town called Bowling Green, Kentucky.
And it is the home of, uh, Fruit of the Loom drawers.
Uh, so if you ever been wearing in Fruit of the Looms, baby, you know, if you
ever got your fruit all loomed up.
Then, you know, them, them bitches came straight out of Kentucky.
That's basically Kentucky that's holding you nuts, bro.
Kentucky that's holding you ivories, bro.
Gotcha.
Um, you know, they're just supporting your low batch, daddy.
But, um, what I'm telling you is this.
So, I went there to look at some different vehicles.
I've been vehicle shopping.
So, I decided I'm going to get me a hotel.
Stay over there for the, for the evening.
Dude, the guy behind, I, I go, knock on the door of the hotel.
And I understand it's COVID times, bro.
The disease is out.
So, first, the guy comes to the window of the hotel, the door, glass door.
And looks at me like I'm COVID.
Like, oh, who's here?
Is COVID here?
Like, bitch, I'm not COVID.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm regular, baby.
So, anyway, the guy, it was just so ridiculous.
Like, looking at me like he was going to be able to judge if I had the disease
through the glass.
So, anyway, he lets me inside.
And, um, I was like, say, hey, do you guys have a room here?
He's like, yeah, we got a room.
Uh, let me go see if it's clean or not.
I was like, all right.
You know, and he goes upstairs.
Literally, he was upstairs for probably about 15 minutes.
Obviously, he should have cleaned it earlier.
That's in his job description.
And he didn't.
And how do I know that?
Because I've been a lazy motherfucker like this dude.
That's why.
That's why I know because I've been that dude.
I've been the dude that shows up to work and doesn't work.
And, look, I was really good at that.
So, anyway, man, finally he comes down.
And, uh, at this point I'm thinking, man, I might as well just, I might as well
just want to drive back.
Um, you know, it's only like an hour and a half to where I'm going to back home
to my place here.
So, anyway, so, whatever.
He's looking on the computer and stuff.
And, and at a certain point I'm kind of getting, I'm getting antsy.
You know, it's been a while and it's getting late.
I want to go get something to eat and I know restaurants are kind of closing.
A lot of things close now at like 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock.
So, I'm giving him a little bit of pressure, you know, like, um, you know, can
you, uh, can you run my card or, you know, is there anything I can do to help?
Saying stuff like that.
Like a passive aggressive.
That's what they call it.
Um, when you pretend like you are, um, a teddy bear, but you really a bad bitch
kind of, you know?
Um, so, anyway, sorry, finally he goes, look, I'm sorry, sir, okay?
But, I just need you to relax a little bit.
I used to be in a wheelchair.
I'm like, what, bro?
You used to be in a wheelchair?
You used to be?
That's what we're doing now?
People are just saying, you know, hey, man, look, I would, I used to weigh 11
pounds, 9 ounces when I was born, okay?
Huh?
Calm down.
Cut me some slack here.
That guy said I used to be in a wheelchair.
When, bitch, you broke your leg once?
You know, you did some fucking dirty karate somewhere, bro?
I just don't, it just, man.
Don't make me hit you with that rat jitsu, bro.
Tighten this white dude up.
Sorry, man, I'm sorry.
Getting out of line, but it just, man, I don't know, man.
That's shit.
Like, I, it just, like, hey, hey, buddy.
Look, I had acne when I was 14.
If you could give me a little bit of room here, okay?
Hey, hey, guy.
You know, I vomited in the middle of a school play when I was nine, okay?
If you could just step back and show some respect.
It's just like, what are we doing, man?
Hey, man, I used to be in a wheelchair.
Well, bitch, then get in a wheelchair now if you in it.
You know, I'm sorry, man, but that shit just got me heated up.
Like, somebody just threw some damn warm briquettes in my ass, bro.
You know, that's where I'm at with this shit, just.
Hey, hey, man, look.
You know, I, I was a, I was, I used to be four years old, okay?
I was only three and a half feet tall at one time.
If you could give me a little bit of room here.
It's just like, now we're, like, using whatever our weakest moment was as our
front.
And I don't mind us sharing our weakest moment, man.
I think there's a level of connection there.
There's an opportunity, you know.
You know, it's like we're trading vulnerability, you know.
You know, we're trading baseball cards there, you know.
I'll give you a, you know, I feel uncomfortable outfielder and you give me a,
look, man,
sometimes I'm insecure shortstop and, you know, we, we recognize each other
from those spaces.
But I don't know if saying, like, look, man, you know, somebody burned my hair
off once, okay?
Could you give me a little bit of, give me some, give me a moment.
Should just lift me up a little bit.
Anyway, that's where I'm at, man.
But anyway, what I meant to say is, we're alive for another week.
And this is the surprise that God gave us, man.
This is it.
Whatever it is, the good, the bad, the nasty.
Whatever, this is the, this is it.
This is, this is the, hey, guess what's in my hand?
And they show you, this is what's behind door number one through a jillion.
This is it, baby.
This is life.
And you know what?
I think we're, I think we're doing okay with it.
Thank you for being here.
Come on, baby.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
Come on.
Come on.
My mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's.
I've been blown.
Hey, hey, look, buddy.
Come upstairs.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
Well, I found I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
Shine that light on me.
More light.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
And now, I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of
my hands.
And there you go.
Awkward fade out begins.
I'm upstairs.
Excuse me.
Look, I used to be in a wheelchair.
And he didn't even say when he was.
At least tell me when.
When?
When you were six?
Or last week?
It's like some people was baked at, you know, for 10 minutes at 100 degrees,
bro.
And they got all these ingredients, but they ain't got no, nothing's holding
them together.
You know, and they got these soft batch out there, bro.
These soft batches.
And that ain't us, baby.
Now, I'm okay if we a little bit of a Toll House morsel.
I'm okay if we have that element of Toll House morselility in us.
Where we a little soft.
But we gripping on the edges, baby gang.
Shit.
Yeah, so that was wild, dude.
And then, oh, also, I went and looked at a cave.
Look, bro.
I went.
I got to tell you this, man.
Oh, Santa's going to be here at the end of the episode.
We got damn Santa.
And we got a beautiful Santa, man.
This man has been a liaison.
To the North Pole and of, you know, just the vibe of giving.
And we got a natural beard Santa, not one of these fake ass, you know, clip-on
bitches.
We got a real, real, real man right here.
We got freaking Chris Crangle, bruh.
PG, baby.
P-T-L, baby.
You know what it is.
Praise God.
Praise the Lord.
Um, oh, so I went to this cave, right?
So there's this thing, if you go to Kentucky, and there is a cave there.
Because I've been trying to be more outgoing.
When I don't want to do something, I go do it.
Um, the other day, I didn't want to go to jiu-jitsu.
Went over to Nashville MMA.
Left out of there feeling like a champ, you know.
Some, this lady put me in a sugar lock once.
You know, and I can't, I still can't feel two of my toes.
And I can't wink out of one of my eyes, but.
God's plan, bruh.
Um.
What else am I talking about here?
Uh, what were we saying?
Man, my mind gets all rattly.
Um, oh, I went in a cave.
They got caves over there.
And a cave is just basically like a, um.
It's kind of like a mountain, but like I made out of air.
There.
And.
So, I went over, I was trying to just do some touristing in this area.
So, I go hit this cave.
I'm caving.
And, um.
Well, first of all, at one point, they take you.
It's a boat.
You go under this part of the ground.
Or whatever it is.
Earth rock.
And they, you basically have to duck down inside of the boat.
So, you go.
First, you walk into the cave.
Then you get in this boat.
Then you go down this little river.
And they, uh.
You get down.
You have to go under the rock.