Name: Virtual Gnomes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #315
Uploaded: 2021-01-02T14:03:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Virtual Gnomes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #315' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Virtual Gnomes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #315' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-02. Transcript available.

Virtual Gnomes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #315

What a year, huh?
What a year.
Dude, if you had a bag full of years
and you pick this one out of the bag,
just say they blindfolded everybody
and you reach in the bag and everybody gets a year.
Dude, this would be...
This would be freaking wild one to draw.
What a year.
The shake-up, baby.
The shake-up.
Mother Nature just unleashed that...
You know, she unleashed that dirty sauce out into the air.
And people getting it.
People getting lunged out.
On Mother Nature, she threw that dirty dust out into the air.
People getting lunged out.
People on, you know, just shook.
People shocked.
People can't, you know...
People getting gripped out
by the disease.
Man, a damn guy in Tennessee blew up a freaking...
an RV.
A good RV.
The guy parked it out in front of a Hooters and damn blew it up.
And Twin Peaks is better anyway.
And I know, and you know it.
And I'm not trying to tell you, I'm not trying to preach at you, but I'm just
saying, damn, Twin Peaks is better.
All the good, you know, tits.
All those good, you know, them front bags, baby.
You feel me?
All them freaking, mmm, them milky headlamps.
They've all migrated long ago over to Twin Peaks.
I mean, really, the only people still working at Hooters is orange bitches.
Let's be honest, and no offense.
El perros de naranjas.
But that's the facts.
That's the only people still working at Hooters are mostly really teacher's
assistants
who are afraid to do OnlyFans and orange bitches.
That's facts, man.
Dude, that is facts, baby.
It's the new year.
It's the new year.
We did it 2021.
We're in the future, baby.
This is the future, man.
This is what Elon Musk puts on his salad, baby.
This is the future.
Can you even imagine that we are?
This is the future.
We are every, actually, every moment you're doing the future.
When you start a word, where you end is in the future, man.
That's crazy.
We're here.
This is it.
2021 has been a wild one.
I don't even know if I have any music.
Do we have any?
You know what?
There's something on here.
Hold on.
Oh, yeah.
It's that gentle.
It's that euthanasia soundtrack.
Oh, yeah.
It's when your doctor tells you you shouldn't have any more sugar, and you just
lay in bed and have a damn brownie.
Or a snick-a-doodle, man.
This is Megan Wofford, Auld Lang Syne.
This is that end of somebody's life there.
You know, down the street.
Some man down the street.
His life is ending.
And he finally has a, you know, can admit that he molested somebody or did
something, you know.
You know, threw a Frisbee when somebody had been down to pick it up, touched it
or, you know, did something wild.
But he denies it.
It just goes to heaven or hell.
You can hear the Frisbee.
Oh, yeah.
There you go, right there.
That is Auld Lang Syne.
Auld Lang Syne.
It sounds, you know, that's the New Year's anthem.
People, some people don't know what it's called, and it's called Auld Lang Syne.
And I had a waiter like that once at a Mellow Mushroom.
He would, he just, he made, like, extra sounds, like, when he was talking, you
know.
Like, how do you get you in order?
Like, what?
He just got a little drink, Siri.
Hey, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you need your appetizer.
Hey, how's he going tonight?
Hey.
He, like, made his own background noise, you know.
He was like, oh, we're going to see you tonight.
He's like, what, dude?
Why are you?
We all, let's get, let's get you guys to, um, we have a new, uh, you know.
Like, oh, oh, he needs chicken bisque.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, what, dude?
Just tell, you know, if you, just tell me what you have.
Good to see you guys, and, uh, and not even see you, really.
Just see you with my heart and, and with my imagination, but, um, I just can't
believe we've, that we're making it this far.
And the world, it is getting unique out there.
You know?
I mean, some fella damn blew up a RV, a decent camper.
Okay, that thing slept six, honey.
But in the end, it slept one.
You feel me?
But some man, kielbasa'd that bitch over there, downtown, in the central east
out there in Tennessee, and he was lonesome, it said.
You know, there was a little, here and there, he said something, they, you know,
he thought about lizard people or something, but, you know, he was probably
listening to Tinfoil Hat.
I have no idea, but he, you know, the guy, I mean, it was a lonely dude that
blew himself up.
And, and, I'm not shocked.
First of all, it's hard to park down there.
Let's be honest, downtown parking, who has not wanted to, sometimes, when I'm
downtown, and I can't, I'm looking for parking, I literally wish that my glove
box was a little oven, and I just want to put my head on there, in there.
And go full blast, honey.
I want to set that bitch on nine, and grill my thoughts, because I'm damn angry,
that's why.
God, people have been angry this year, man, this year, God, everybody, who
knows, who knows, look, virtual reality.
You'll see a lot of children, nowadays, you run, you drive down the street, and
there's a kid in the yard, and you'll just see him hiding behind, hiding behind
nothing.
He'll just kind of be crouching like he's, and he's playing hide-and-go-seek in
his head with virtual, you know, with somebody in damn Guantanamo Bay or Russia
or somewhere.
You know, Michigan.
And it's, you know, the virtual reality, who knows what it's going to be.
There's a new thing where people just have jobs in virtual reality.
So now, it's unbelievable.
The highlight is, you have a lazy child with a thing on, with the VR on, like
flipping burgers, or, you know, working at a Shake Shack, or, you know, making
Kleenex, or working at a Kleenex factory.
It's just, so now, you can't even get your kid to work, but he'll put on
goggles and go fucking work at a job that's not even real.
Oh, my God.
And part of me, look, I'm no scientist, man.
If you logged on here, ended up here somehow, through some, you know, chat room
or portal, and you think that I am a science man, then you, you are a real
stray animal, because that's not, that's not factual.
I'm not.
You know, I don't know anything about science, and I don't know, honestly, but
I'm probably a part-time believer in science.
So, it depends on kind of when you catch me and how I'm feeling that day, but,
oh, man, what was I talking about?
I don't even know.
I literally do not even know.
I know that today's episode is brought to you by Magic Mind.
I do know that.
And we're very grateful for them for coming on this year, this past year.
They are the antithesis of procrastination.
You're tired of procrastinating and change the way you do things.
You know, nothing changes if nothing changes.
I heard that.
And Magic Mind will change things.
It is basically the organic version of coffee.
And you can check it out at magicmind.co and use promo code Theo for 10% off to
try it out.
I got a little vial of it right here.
That hitter.
And, um, yeah, it really puts you into a flow state.
You know, a lot of people try to achieve flow state and to really assist
yourself, that helps.
Yeah, we're in the future.
I mean, it's just crazy.
Like, I want, sometimes I start to think, what if the, um, disease, you know,
bro, first of all, think of this.
When Corvid came out, you know, whatever they called it, Corvid-19.
First of all, a lot of people thought it was a wide receiver.
Okay.
For Texas Tech or somebody.
People are like, damn, Corvid-19, man.
This shit is fucking people up.
People are like, damn, how many touchdowns did he have, you know?
But then it hit, remember in the beginning they put everybody on ventilators
and it killed thousands of people?
For no reason, they just plugged people up to these things.
And we're just reverse vacuuming out people?
We are just animals, man.
We don't know what's going on.
But I start to wonder, what if, because I don't know how it's going to just
suddenly, it's going to just disappear.
You know, a lot of people are susceptible or questionable about the vaccine.
And I don't blame them.
Dude, this vaccine seems like something somebody made at the last minute to get
a C.
And I only say that because I'm that guy.
I'm the dude who was writing, who was writing a book report on the bus.
You know, I'm the dude who would find the one Asian, not even Asian, semi-Asian
kid.
And, like, I beg him to give me the answers.
And he didn't even go to our school.
He worked near the school.
He, you know, and he still knew the answers, which was crazy.
You know, I'm just curious.
I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm hopeful that we get into, that this year brings
some answers.
I mean, I just, I start to wonder where virtual reality, are kids going to,
like, is everybody just going to move back in with their parents and do fake
jobs?
Like, do, you know, some kid's just laying in his room all day with his mouth
open, working 60 hours at a, you know, at a calendar factory?
You know, just gluing Sundays onto a, you know, onto a sheet of paper?
You know, I just don't know.
I just start to wonder, like.
And then the kid gets off of the thing and he just feels like he's been at work
all day, but he hasn't.
And then what if our world, like, we don't start to be outside and do stuff
anymore and we actually just start to be in this virtual reality world.
So then everybody starts to get virtual reality to go, you even have to have it
to go to anything.
We're all just laying on our floors with our mouths open.
And just going to work in our heads or doing this or doing that.
You know, we're at a party where nobody's even there.
We're all just.
And look, virtual reality is powerful.
It's powerful.
Man, I went to the Fox Labs.
And it's not like animal sex or anything like that.
It's like.
What is it?
It's not like endangered species sex.
I mean, it's like the network, the Fox Network, Fox Studios in Los Angeles.
And they took me in the virtual reality room one time and they showed me some
of the stuff they had.
Well, they had a game where I could see little gnomes.
I was in a like in a woods, you know, and you could walk up to a tree and open
little doors and they had like little a little gnomes in there would look up at
you there in there, you know, you know, brushing teeth, putting on a coat,
doing deodorant.
You know, one of them's in there sneaking a little head of pudding before bed,
the little one, you know, and now that you open the little doors and peek in
their tree home and they all look up at you like they're kind of spooked.
And then you close it and you're back out in the woods and there's little
bridges going from trees to trees in the woods and little gnomes would run
across them and a little gnome hand you a little, uh, he'll trade you a
something little peach, you know, for something little shoe polish, you know,
like prison.
You know, he'll trade you a fucking, you know, he'll trade you maybe a little
bit of light oral, you know, not oral sex, just, you know, just not like a kiss,
but just at least whistle in my mouth or something.
I don't want to touch myself kind of shit.
But, um, anyway, man, I don't know what I'm getting at.
I'm just, I'm just starting to wonder what are the next futures going to look
like?
Because for me, I think I kind of evaluate the future come January one.
And that's when I start to look at the past.
And, um, and so that's when I'm starting to wonder as I see virtual reality.
You know, when I was young, if you want to do virtual reality, you had to do a
little bit of acid, hit your little LSD, you know, you know, you take a little
couple grams of, uh, you know, mushrooms, bro.
I remember doing mushrooms at school once.
And I remember I had on a green shirt and I thought it was a snake.
And so half the day, I spent half the day hiding from my left arm.
And, uh, and that's hard to do, bro.
That is, I mean, that's the real rodeo right there.
You know, I know, I know a lot of these guys in the PBR circuit and stuff, they
get out there and they do, you know, eight seconds on fiasco, that famous bull.
But I'd love to see an MF or get out there on about 60 grams 