Name: Round Italian | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #317
Uploaded: 2021-01-15T03:40:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Round Italian | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #317' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Round Italian | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #317' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-15. Transcript available.

Round Italian | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #317

you know it baby you know it and you don't isn't that fascinating
you know i remember when i was young they had a fella in my neighborhood this
little boy named
little allen and god damn he was small brother he couldn't even he he couldn't
even put a large
grape in his mouth i mean yeah he had to shove it in and he was on every prayer
list my god he was just
young fella just monopolized the prayer lists around every day every prayer
list alan alan alan
alan again alan times two yes man so many prayers went up for small island man
and
you know i'm thinking about him i know uh that actually today is his birthday
and that is january 14
in the year 2021 that's where we are and i don't know if you're bill or ted
but we're in the future i don't know if you're tamra i don't know how hell i
don't know who you are
because i don't know you i do not know you
but it's a wild one out there man they need to start making underpants thicker
because
shit is getting real let's get into it
come on you thinking oh there's no way he's gonna play it again huh well
i'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could i be so far from now
oh come on tell him travis
and my mind is somewhere else but when i find it i'll catch up where it's been
come on baby
now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i
must be
cornerstone oh when i reach that crowd i'll share this peace of mind i found i
can feel it
in my bones come on but it's gonna take a little time
for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind
shine that light on me
i'll sit and tell you my story
shine and i will find a song we'll sing it just for you
and that you know that's bishop gun shine
and you want to put somebody in your prayer let's put that band on it right
there
you know they got so close to uh real stardom they really got close to it
and it really and it fell apart
you know it's hard to it's hard to
you know they really had it for a moment i mean they had it them boys they were
opening up for the rolling stones there
and that's not a geometric deal that is a
you famous musical act or you know group talent quadrant
and um
and um and they were opening up for them
in damn dallas
one of the probably 15 20 biggest cities
opening up for the roastos baby
and they let it all fall through their fingers man
but for a moment for a moment
they had it
you know it's interesting to think sometimes how small a moment is
you know there's moments in my life where i want to
you know i just want to hold on to it i want to
you know i want to capture the moment i want to
it could be a birthday party
and you blowing out a candle when you seeing that flame go out and you catch
the eye of a real fine
match in the distance
and you want that moment to last you want to know hey baby
i'm fucking cutting the flame off these fucking
off these confectioners right here
off these sugar fucking squadrons baby i you know i got us you want to look her
in the eyes and say look
there's more sweet where this came from here
you know and you want to hold that moment
you know i remember when i was young when i was a child they had um
a little area by us it was
uh a little preschool
and my mom said point blank you want to go to preschool and i said do i have to
go she said no
and i said well let me up in that bitch let me see what they doing in that
bitch down let me see what
they doing in that bitch down mom
and i went in and they wasn't doing much they let anybody in preschool
now college is different you got a test to get into it
but for preschool you just got to have some mf or drop you off before 7 a.m
that was the only
you know that was the act that was it could you get out of a station wagon
before 7 a.m
then you qualify
and we we'd get in there we'd sit on the carpet
they had a square carpet and it had all the numbers and letters on it
or at least most of them i didn't know all of them
i probably knew to about l
and they had definitely one through zero on it going up to nine and then zero
and people would sit there and add one television they played different
cartoons on it they played uh
um gummy bears on it
and gum now it's a damn sugar treat when i was young gummy bears was a damn
hell it was a fucking it was a program
these were you know
these were as a child you thought maybe you might meet them one day in the
woods
and now it's a damn you know it's something they sell you know it looks like a
damn bait
they sell it you know they sell it at the checkout by you know
it's a basic snack it's barely a damn sugar snack shit looks japanese really
but we enjoyed that man gummy bear
but we would sit there and some kids would piss themselves some kid didn't even
know how to work
their bladder the parents would bring them there and they'd just piss out
unbelievable
and i remember outside in the schoolyard there they had a little somebody cut
down a tree
that about three feet of it left up out of the ground
and i remember one kid ran and jumped over it
this little fellow named mikey
and they called him roger but
his name was mikey
but they called him roger
but um
he ran and jumped over it
and i thought well i can do that
i could run and jump over that
but i didn't really have the same gym
gymnetics
i didn't have the same gymnetics as mikey roger baby and i
you know
you know my father was in his 70s
my mother would deliver cookies at the time
and uh
you know
that's not the real makeup of a damn
preschool gail sayers
so i ran i jumped
and at the time i barely had a real
i mean i barely had an earl gray of a nutsack
and it caught on to the damn
you know
whatever tree that was
and somebody had undeniably cut the tree down for christmas
it was
this was right after christmas
and somebody cut that bitch down and got it home
and realized it was like a damn hickory
or a baby maple
and said f it
and just put it in the yard
but um
but damn boy
if i didn't snag the lord's eyelid
baby my nutsack on that thing
and
and that hurt man
um
but yeah
you know that's preschool
and it's
uh
it's hit or miss baby
it's hit or miss
what's going on with you guys
oh i gotta tell you
we have the
and i'm excited
thank you guys for being here today
um
fresh off that dustin poirier episode
i think i realized
i've just
i've turned into too much of a dustin fan
to maybe talk with him sometimes
i just such a
you know i'm just a fan
so much of who he is as a person
and uh
and as a friend
he's been a good friend to me
and um
you know we've
we've kind of
we've developed a friendship over the years
some and
i'm not gonna say we're best friends
or nothing like that dude
because you know
uh
i'm an adult
and we don't really have best friends at this age
but
um
but he
you know
obviously i'm a fan
undeniably
and
i'm just excited for him
and
and it was just
i was just so excited to have him on
and just like you know
i was just grateful that he gave me that time
this guy's about to
this man's in abu dhabi
you man
this man's in the desert baby
he's out there about to sand wrestle in that sand
castle
he's about to castle roll
you feel me
um
and i just
you know
he's got to get connor to the ground i think
but well
you know
and i want to sit there and sell
but i don't know
i don't know
some bit
some bad bitch over there
the uh
nashville mma
put me into a damn figure nine last week
so what
you know
i can't even answer the phone
and one of my
one of my hands is all
stagnant
because of whatever she did to me
damn hexed me
so i you know
i'm
all i can do is just
we cheer
and
but win or lose
the man's a champion
and i was just honored to be in his presence
that's honestly how i feel
what's going on
um
what was i thinking about
oh we have
the
show
and it is
friday night
january 15th
8 p.m
you know
i i'm so
i'm just excited
to be able to do this with chelsea
and uh
and we're just gonna try to make it fun
and to try something new
you know
i realize
um
i realize
that sometimes i
you know i get it
it's hard to try something new sometimes
as life gets going
oh well i know what it's gonna be like
well i
you know
what if people don't like me after it
what if
you know
what if
um
it's not what i'm used to
um
and i have some thoughts like that
but
i'm just trying to lean into it
and i'm trying to embrace it
you know
just grab the mole by the damn mole skin
and just shake that
and
yeah
but yeah we have sketches
you can get a ticket
and a ticket means you just
you can watch it
it's a ten dollar ticket
you can sit there
8 p.m
central standard time
january 15th
and watch it at home
and it's gonna be live
we are
going
live
um
we got trey lewis will be performing
uh
larry fleet
you heard him on here
where i find god
he will be performing live
uh
we have some sketches
that are gonna be live
we have some sketches
uh
that we've already put together
we have
a talent show
with some real
illegitimate talents
and legitimate
and
illegitimate
i mean
orphans of talents
like i'm talking talents
that have never met their parents
i'm talking them kind of talents
but redheaded talents
and uh
it's just gonna be something
so
um
what else is going on man
oh i had a damn dough
my god i had a doughnut
you know i had a
oh man i had a doughnut
you ever had a doughnut
where you just
where you're eat
i mean
the whole time i'm eating it
all i could hear in my head
i could hear that song
uh
i bet they can't
i bet you can't do it like me
i bet you can't do it like me
oh
i bet you can't do it like me
uh
i think
it's like a rap song
uh
you know
it's a herb and real
that booty shaker
oh
i bet you can't do it like me
you know
i mean this thing
man
i put a
look and i cut this thing
in the quarters
because i knew out the gate
this was a bad bitch
this little doughnut
this little
sugar cinderella
this bitch about to fucking
turn into a damn
taste gasm
taste gasm
at midnight
at the stroke of 12
in my mouth
this thing
i could
i cut it in the quarters
and that's how old i am
if somebody asked you
how old you are
you say
well i'm at the age
where i will cut a doughnut
in the quarters
and
that's a
that's an interesting age
baby
that's an interesting age
out there
and i cut this
i mean this bitch
was from atlanta
you know
what i'm saying
this bitch
was about that
life
bitch
you can't do it
like me
this bitch
was about that
life
you know
i mean
this bitch
had a couple
gunshots on her
you know
a couple gun
gunshots
in her thigh
she was about
that
life
and i cut that
thing in the quarters
and i had it man
it's from five
daughters bakery
it was in uh
out here in the
central east
and it was
oh
oh my god
this thing made me
want a damn
i had to check
with the lord
to make sure
we was good
after that thing
because it was good
man
but that show
is friday
uh
it's gonna have
sketches
live music
um
a talent show
you know
it's just
it's a live show
and that's what's
interesting about
these days
that you can
do a show
and put it
straight into
people
you know
i don't have to
go to some
big fancy
man up there
or some
fancy woman
wishing she
was a man
at a company
somewhere
and saying
hey hey
hey
hey hey
mr andy
hey hey
mr yavul
mr barbara
can i do
the show
no you
can't
that's gone
and now you
can go direct
and so
it's just gonna
be a nice time
if you can't
be there for
uh
8 p.m
on friday
central standard
time
you will be
able to get
the show
for a week
or 10 days
after you
still be able
to go online
and uh
and watch it
but i'm excited
it's gonna be
a new adventure
i'm trying
something new
and we've been
working really
really hard
uh
to put on
something good
so i'm
really grateful
to um
i'm just
grateful to
everybody
that's been
helping me
support
support
for the
podcast
is brought
to you
by
manscaped
and it
look
you're
if you're
a man
you better
be scaped
out
you can't
be bringing
no you know
them hairy
nuts out there
to the ladies
anymore
they won't
accept it
you show up
with that
little hair
bag
maybe you
show up
and your
your nuts
is all
braided
on the
sides
bitch
you know
you show up
and your
nuts
have a
crazy
fade
they got
an
ms13
tattoo
right the