Name: Turtleneck Soup | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #319
Uploaded: 2021-01-28T14:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Turtleneck Soup | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #319' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Turtleneck Soup | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #319' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-28. Transcript available.

Turtleneck Soup | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #319

Good to be here with you, and good to be here without you, actually.
It'd be awkward if you were all here at this moment, because it'd be too much.
This is a small space. This is minimal.
You know, you get minimal space, and you just, you can't do much with it.
To a spider, this would be a big room, but to a man, this is, uh...
This is nothing to really write home about.
Today's episode is brought to you by Magic Mind.
Magic Mind. Oh, damn.
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Magic Mind. It, um...
It is the anti-procrastination sipper.
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Oh, man. What's going on?
A lot. A lot.
The diamond one, baby.
You know that, boy.
The diamond one.
What else? I went hunting.
I went hunting for something.
And outdoors hunting.
You know, not just looking for something like a remote control.
I'm talking. I did it.
I went out there.
And I'll tell you about it.
So, I, uh...
A friend of mine out here, an adult,
he knows a man who does falconry.
You know, deviant birds.
And I'm not going to say that these birds are caught up with the dark arts,
but I mean, they are...
Each one of them had probably half a can of Voldemort in them.
And that's really the truth.
And, um...
So, the man does falconry.
And, um...
You know, Bobby Kennedy Jr. had talked about it when he was a guest on here
about being around falcons and...
And, you know, kind of...
Doing homing pigeons, that sort of thing, when he was growing up.
But, basically, what happened was,
we went and met up with this man behind a church.
Or, in front of a church, actually, first.
First, we met in front of a church.
We pulled up.
He had a maroon van.
With two decent, uh...
Birds in it.
Big, you know, big...
I'm talking about these things.
These things were from the dam.
They were from the middle of the Bible.
These things.
They was really...
I mean, these were...
You know, some of those Game of Thrones-ers.
These birds...
Bro, if these birds shit,
it would drown a baby.
You know what I'm saying?
It was a...
They had...
These birds were...
They were real birds.
You know?
Like, you won't...
If you see one of these birds with a canary,
it's only because they're trying to fuck.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, these birds was more about...
They were more prehistoric.
Prehistorical.
You know?
Like, if you went back in time,
and...
And you saw a bird,
it might be one of these.
That's what I'm telling you.
So anyway, we get out there
and the man has two falcons
in the back of a red van.
And I didn't believe him.
You know?
Because I grew up in kind of a, you know,
kind of a troubled area
and a lot of times a guy says,
Hey, I got two falcons in the back of a van.
Somebody's breaking their dick out.
To be honest.
And...
But this guy, you know,
he...
It was...
They were real honest.
And they had them.
You know?
And everybody was clothed
and they had the birds.
And so...
We go back behind the church
and he has a friend there,
another man.
And now we're with two men,
adult men.
And they both had on...
What is it called?
When you're hopeful,
the...
It's like a basketball rim,
but it's for your hand.
It's like a...
Jesus.
Not a championship.
They both had on wedding rings.
And...
So next thing you know,
we get in the woods,
they have the birds,
they have a little dog too.
And the dog...
And they're called
Tumble Creek Falconry.
I want to get the name right.
Hold on.
I think that was it.
Tumble Creek Falconry.
And they do falconing.
And...
And so anyway,
we get out there
and so they give us a big stick.
Because they want you
to have a big stick
if you're out there.
This thing called...
What is it called here?
Turnbull Creek Falconry.
And they're legitimate.
And so you get out there
and they give you a big stick,
like a big...
Like a bottom of an axe.
Like an axe.
Like if you're an axe person
but you quit axing.
You know,
but you still want to have the stick
but you don't want to have the blade.
And it's about four feet long
and you go along
and you beat the trees, right?
You beat the trees.
And the birds...
First of all here...
Let me backpedal.
Hold on.
The birds...
The birds...
The birds...
They get them out the cage
that they got helmets on.
They got little...
Like hide and go seek
little outfits.
You know?
Almost like if your grandmother wanted...
If your grandmother
wanted to make you
a hide and go seek outfit
for when you counted.
It's like a little...
It covers your eyes.
You know what horses wear?
If you've ever been to a fancy city
and they got a couple horses down there.
And they usually have an alcoholic
that's running them
and they'll...
You know, for a few dollars
they'll pull you and your lady
through the city
and you can ask her
if she wants to marry you
or not or whatever.
Or you don't have to ask her.
A lot of times
by the end of the horse ride
you're like,
Damn, I don't even want
to marry this woman.
And so you just keep the ring
in your pocket
and you go home.
But anyway...
It's like the blinders.
Like the blinders.
So they have that on the birds.
Two of the birds.
They come out.
They both got...
Little blinders on.
Full blinders.
They can't see anything.
Like if you asked them
how many fingers
you was holding up
they wouldn't squat.
So they got the two birds
and...
And dude,
it feels like
old school.
It feels like you would be the...
It feels like if you showed up
with these things
you would get the most
pussy at a renaissance fair.
And I'm sorry for saying pussy as well.
So I want to say that also.
But you would be...
Oh.
You would have all
the big titty
at a ren fair
if you showed up
with these straight up
just falcons, baby.
These heat seekers.
I'm talking about
the Lord's
freaking Southwest Airlines, baby.
Big birds.
So anyway,
they come out
with the little head caps on
and they're moving
but it looks like
they're sleeping.
But basically...
So then you start
walking in the woods.
You take off their head caps
and they fly up
into the trees.
So now you have
two birds up in the air
in the trees
and some of them
they'll swoop off
and do just a loop-de-loop
and come back to a branch.
And so the rest of us men,
grown men,
we wander.
And you get in different lines
and you wander
through the woods
and everybody has
like a piece of an axe.
A stick.
An axe bottom.
An axe leg.
I don't know what it's called.
Axe leg.
And you hit the trees
with it.
And you hit the underbrush.
And you hit the tree.
And you're hoping
you rounds up a squirrel.
Or rounds up
a little rabbit, you know.
One of Mr. McGregor's
little buddies,
little cottontail.
And you keep going
and the birds,
they'll,
as you walk,
the birds will,
they will kind of jump from,
they'll hop,
they'll kind of coast
from one tree to the next.
So you guys are moving
in like this,
like this unique pack
where they're upstairs
and you're downstairs.
But everybody's in the same
kind of moving hunt house.
It's like this,
you're just,
it's not a real house
but you're just,
you know,
you're kind of in a pack.
And then suddenly
something will happen.
Like you'll hit a tree
and it'll make a,
and a little squirrel
will have been being
real secretive
and he'll move his neck.
And that's all it takes
for these big birds
is one just,
just one jostle
of a neck muscle
and they,
and next thing you know,
they're on the tree
and they start to,
they start to like
corner the squirrel.
So we get the squirrel,
he's moving,
they corner the squirrel.
So one of the birds
gets ahead of it,
one of them blows it.
And then they jump
from branch to branch,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
And then next thing you know,
one of them goes in
for the attack.
And,
and that was it, man.
We, you know,
we did,
they did a,
and that's nature.
You know,
people want to say
this and that.
That's nature, baby.
Okay?
And it's all,
you know,
God laid out those mar,
those marbles.
You know,
he laid,
that's,
we're not,
you can say this and that,
but that's,
that's somebody else's plan.
Don't talk to me about it.
Go pray about it
if you have an issue with it.
Because that's just,
that's what those birds do.
So anyway,
the birds were,
you know,
they get a squirrel
and then,
oh,
and the birds will hold
the squirrel down.
It was wild.
So they,
they caught one squirrel
and then they caught a,
there's a little dog as well.
A little white and black dog.
Maybe Mexican.
I don't know.
I didn't get a good look
in his eyes,
but he was mixed.
He was real,
real mixed,
man.
He,
he had that Jack Russell
in him,
baby,
that Eddie Bravo.
You know what I'm saying?
And he was real pertinent.
He was real particular.
He would go over,
he was only hunting.
And if you try to pet him
or scratch his belly,
he'd fucking kick you,
bro.
This dog,
it wasn't,
this wasn't no,
you know,
he was on the job.
That's like a FedEx man.
You try to run up
and tickle him or something
or,
you know,
or hide one of his boxes,
he might fuck you up.
And that's like this guy,
this,
this dog was.
So we went through
and what else did they catch?
They caught a rabbit
and a possum.
And it was just magical,
man.
At the beginning of the day,
I'm like scared of the birds.
And by the end of the day,
I'm like,
I'm just,
I'm like,
I feel like the birds
are like working for me
and I'm in,
I mean,
I feel like I'm on the damn
fifth page of the Bible,
baby.
I'm keyed up.
You know what I'm saying?
We're hunting
and they're picking up stuff.
I'm sending one of the birds
to go get me some Twizzlers
and Mike and Ikes.
Like these birds,
it's just really,
you start to become like
Conan the Barbarian.
So it was exceptional,
man.
Man,
it was really,
really exceptional
and we did some videography of it
and we may put something up
at some point.
You know,
I thought about trying to do something
where I learned new stuff,
like just how to do new things
or have new experiences.
Because I've been looking
for things in the woods
when I was young
but I'd never been
actually really hunting.
You know,
except to hunt,
oh,
actually that's not true.
I've been out to hunt pigs
and I've been out to hunt boar,
like boars,
but I've been out to hunt
ducks one time,
but,
you know,
I like that hand-to-hand combat
and it feels more like that
with the birds,
with the hawks.
And they might have been hawks.
I think they were,
they might have been hawks,
but not Atlanta.
I think they were from,
well,
they must have been from here.
So yeah,
local hawks.
But,
whatever they were,
man,
it was fascinating.
It was fascinating
and,
and yeah,
we got a real experience
and it was like about
a three,
four hour high hunt
and it just,
I don't know,
it just made me feel
so involved with nature.
You know,
it made me feel right there.
I just felt,
I just felt like a root.
That's what I felt like
and I'm used to feeling
like a branch
and it was pretty powerful.
So yeah,
I can't believe I did it
and I'm so grateful
that I got to do it.
My friend Bizzle
took me out there
and he's a white guy
even though he has
the name of a nine-year-old
black kid.
He really is a white man
and he took me out
and we had this fellow
named Monsell
went with us
and did some videography
and the fellows
that took us
were just great,
man.
That's Turnbull Creek
Falconry
and we'll put a link,
man,
you go get an experience
with those guys
but it was worth,
it was worth,
it was worth the time.
It was worth the time.
What else is going on?
Oh,
so on the drive there,
right,
I'm driving out
to the Falconry
and I passed by this car
like a little red
kind of,
it was like a Mustang
maybe
or a,
it was a,
and this dude
was sitting right by,
like right by the window
and he was driving
but also kind of leaning
like towards the window
and he had like,
he was kind of leaning up
close by the wheel
but also by the window
kind of
and he had a track suit on,
you could see the edge
of the track suit
Adidas style
and he had like the stripes
down the middle of his car
going over the back,
you know,
that shit
where 