Name: Spill The Duntlin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #322
Uploaded: 2021-02-12T17:09:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spill The Duntlin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #322' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spill The Duntlin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #322' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-12. Transcript available.

Spill The Duntlin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #322

Good to be here, man.
Hey.
Hey.
I got that massage, baby.
I got a tightness in my neck.
I mean, like, just the damn devil hit a damn...
Just a jolly rancher in my neck, man.
It just...
It feels real tight.
I mean, tight, tight.
You know?
Oh, man.
And I went over to the place, you know,
and I'm not going to say that they're Chinese
when you go in the place,
but they are Vietnamese or...
They're an ease.
Let's say that.
You know, there's no...
There's no bones about it.
They are some type of ease, you know?
They probably had soup for lunch.
I'm going to say that.
Some type of broth, you know?
And the lady...
Sometimes...
I've gone to this place a few times.
You know, I'm out here in the Central East studios,
and I've gone to this place, you know, a few times,
and sometimes I get the...
You know, the rough girl is in there.
You know, the real that...
You know, she's that...
You know, she's kind of the hit man.
You know what I'm saying?
She's somebody...
If somebody in the family's choking,
you won't...
You know, you hope she's there.
Because she can help.
You know, she's that thick aunt.
You don't want that slender aunt helping you.
If you're choking,
you don't want your fine aunt there.
Your fine aunt, she ain't going to do...
She's going to scream.
She'll probably Snapchat it.
You want that thick baby, you know,
that big lozenge of a woman.
And that's what they had there,
this big Chinese lozenge of a lady.
You know, this is just damn...
I mean, she really...
Her forearms had six arms in them.
You know, she just real poignant.
Real, real poignant, man.
I mean, she could spit hard and probably wash a window.
So that's where I'm coming at with that.
And so anyway, they got me on the...
You know, I don't like this...
A lot of the massage places...
You know, they put you on this kind of halfway...
Lean forward type of thing
where they can...
You know, they put your head in this little...
It almost...
Remember in the old days, you know,
back in the, you know, 1300s or whatever.
I don't know.
1800s.
Something, dude.
Something teen hundreds.
And they had...
Back in the old days, they had...
Sorry, I might be a little hot there.
They had the...
The thing, the...
The barracks.
You know, they put you in...
They put your two hands in
and they put your head in it.
And people would come by...
If you did something bad around town,
they'd put you in a town square and they...
You know, they put you in there
and people come by and call you names,
call you, you know, probably gay or something like that.
You know, devil boy.
Shit like that.
You know, this...
I'm talking 1300s, 1800s.
And...
So, you know,
when the kids come by
and probably tickle you,
you know, the pervs come by
and touch their nuts,
everybody...
When you're in the barracks,
you're in the...
What is that called?
Barracks?
I think that's what it's called, man.
Barracks?
Let me think.
When you're in the...
You know what I'm talking about?
The barracks, man.
The barracks in town?
What is that thing?
Shit, I don't know.
But it's the thing.
It holds your head.
It holds your arms.
You can't move.
And people laugh at you
and point fingers, you know?
People say,
Oh, that's a little...
You know.
You know, that's a little Ricky.
And he did something bad, you know?
He stole a cabbage.
You know, he stole four cabbage.
That's Ricky with...
You know, that's four cabbage Ricky.
And then you're that bad guy, you know?
But anyway, when you're in the barracks,
everybody comes by
and gets the people
that want to name call,
they name call you.
And the people that want to tickle you
and the perverts
that want to, you know,
touch your nuts
or get a look at your booty
or whatever, you know?
Everybody, you know,
everybody gets it out of their system
when you've done something bad.
And...
What was I talking about?
Oh, so I knew what I was talking about.
So anyway, I'm in there
and they got me in.
It's like that kind of thing.
You're kind of leaning forward
and the lady's behind you.
And I don't know
if they found a tough spot on my back,
but they had a...
The lady is like pushing on my back
and then she had like her cousin
or somebody,
her brother, daddy, somebody,
you know,
another,
you know,
another me's
or ease person
starts pushing on her.
So they're both...
So she's pushing on my neck,
kind of back,
and he's pushing on behind her,
like leaning on her.
And I'm just like...
You know,
like they're trying to get
just a frigid air
through a tight doorway.
And that shit,
I just...
I don't know.
I never seen anything like that
and...
So anyway,
oh,
and then,
so then after that,
I did 30 and 30.
You know,
they call that a 60-minute package.
That's package B
that they have there on the chart.
And so the second half,
they get you in the private room,
you know,
and they have some fake roses in there
and a little...
They got these Coca-Cola candies.
They are so good.
They're these little hard kind of candies
you suck on them,
but...
So I'll put two or three in my mouth
when I go in
because I do the one-hour service.
So...
Anyway...
And the lady...
And sometimes...
I think it's just tradition
in a lot of the East.
You know,
you go to some places
and they bust you out.
You know,
they cream you out right there, bro.
And so...
The lady,
you know,
she's doing my body and everything
and I'll get...
I won't get fully nude,
but I'll get down to my underpants easily.
Dude,
I'll get down to my underpants
if somebody says,
hey,
you want me to scratch your back?
I'll be fucking,
you know...
I'll be 94% naked, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
For any...
If a good television program is on,
you know,
and it's a half-hour program,
I've been like that since I was a child.
I would get so fired up, man.
And just when the pressure builds
and the plot thickens,
I'm damn,
just start losing...
You know,
I lose pieces of clothing
until I'm just damn naked.
I mean,
and I'm just clamping on my wing
just watching what's going on.
You know,
I'm just...
I'm locked in.
I looked at it.
I say no.
I'm locked in, baby.
And, uh...
And...
Anyway,
so she, uh...
The lady, um...
She goes,
oh, you want to spill a dumpling?
And I'm like,
what did she say?
And I...
She goes,
you want to spill a dumpling?
Spill a dumpling?
And I'm thinking,
spell a dumpling?
Uh...
I didn't know what it was.
You know,
I'm thinking,
is it something?
And then I'm thinking,
oh, it's nothing.
You know,
because I didn't know what it was.
And she's...
You know,
then she kind of pats me on the...
On that peenie.
You know what I'm saying?
That peenie, bruh.
That penis.
And then she tapped me,
double tapped me on that penis,
you know?
And, uh...
And she said,
spill a dumpling.
And then I'm like,
oh,
spill the dumplings.
She wants to spill the dumplings, bruh.
And...
And you guys know me.
Look,
I don't like...
I don't like somebody...
You know,
I've been...
Hell,
I've been spettling...
I've been spettling my dumplings
all week, bruh.
I spett...
My dumplings spelt.
I spelt them matches,
you know?
And I shouldn't have been...
And I did, man.
I gave in.
And I've been jerking myself.
So, I...
You know...
I don't know, man.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But, uh...
Anyway, I just...
I said no.
You know,
I was cordial.
I was a gentleman.
You know,
I kind of went like this.
You know,
no.
And, um...
And she wasn't offended.
And that's one thing I love
about a lot of Asian cultures.
They don't get offended
if you...
If you...
If you don't...
If you don't...
If you don't want them
to jerk you off.
You know,
and a lot of other people
get all...
You know,
white people be like,
Oh, come on, you know?
Come on, you know?
Oh, okay.
I guess.
Well, all right.
You know?
Black people be like,
Oh, okay.
Oh, you all right?
You ain't gonna let us
bust them nuts?
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody...
And German people be like,
Oh, you don't want
to bust them nuts?
You know?
And vatos be like,
Okay, papa.
You don't want
to let us bust them nuts?
But Asian people,
they don't get offended, man.
That, you know,
it's just part of life.
It's like...
It's like a handshake.
Fierik, you know?
And, uh...
Anyway,
I don't know.
That's just...
You know,
they was trying to
spell it down, bro.
You know?
And I didn't want
the dumplings spilt, man.
I didn't want
my dumplings spilt, man.
So,
that's kind of,
I guess,
what's been going...
I mean,
I don't know if that's
what's been going on,
but, uh...
But that's what happened.
Another time,
I remember I was at a joint
out there in Los Angeles
and a lady tapped me.
They double tapped.
That's the thing.
It's like knock-knock
on your, uh...
Right on your,
on your, uh...
penis,
you know,
on the top.
And, uh...
And I said...
She goes,
oh, you won.
Oh, monkey go pop-pop.
And...
I was like,
monkey go pop-pop.
Uh...
And I said,
no, no,
I'm okay,
you know?
And then I reconsidered.
And I was like,
well...
Uh...
And then the lady's
looking at me like
I'm just like this
indecisive person,
which I am.
So...
Anyway, man,
you know,
it's just...
You can't go anywhere
these days
without somebody
really trying to
cream you out,
you know?
But, um...
But thank you
for being here
with me today, man.
It is, uh...
Thursday,
February 11th
in, uh...
In the year 2021.
And I'm doing my best,
man,
and I hope that you are.
Let's get into
a little bit of tunes.
Sing down the sun
Oh, that's a good song, baby.
Shine down your song
Come on, baby.
So that it might
Guide me back home
This is Josh Kelly.
We all need some light
Amen.
On the darkest of days
So that we might
Come on, Jay.
Not lose our way
Come on, man, brother.
So holy, holy,
holy Lord,
holy my heart
I'm down on my knees
Asking you to hold me
Hold me
Hold me
With your loving arms
Come on, man.
Damn.
All that I need
Is you to hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
My Lord
Come on.
You know I've been unkind
We're gonna ride this
Let me love
At times even cruel
Forgave this full heart
I lost all my joy
Till I found you
Come on.
Till I found you
They said they had
They forgave this full heart
Forgave this full heart
Come on.
Buried the sins
To make way
For a brand new start
Let's go
Holy, holy, holy Lord
Holy my heart
I'm down on my knees
Asking you to hold me
Hold me
Hold me
With your loving arms
All that I need
Is you to hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Oh, man.
Dude, that one had me gleaking
Right out my feeling ducks, brother.
That's when God hit me right in the damn HVAC of my soul, brother.
And my tear ducks, man.
Beautiful song right there.
Off his new album, my baby and the band that is called Hold Me My Lord by Josh
Kelly, featuring all voices.
If you're not familiar with Josh Kelly, man, go get that album and get familiar
with him.
I'm sure a lot of you guys are, but go get familiar with that song.
He's a friend of mine and he actually gave me a job.
I worked as a tour manager for him when he first started touring with his music
and just honored to be able to play one of his songs here today.
What's going on, man?
What is going on?
Yeah, I went to the place.
I did that.
Oh, I'll talk about this.
The Super Bowl happened.
You know, I was a...
It was a boring game.
You know, it was a boring game.
And, um...
And I think a lot of people were just shocked Kansas City didn't put anything
together.
And I don't know what you attribute that to.
But it was nice to see Tom Brady.
It was nice to see somebody, you know, get away from the system, that New
England system, and do something.
You know, it was nice to see an older person get out there and be a rascal and
be Randy and do confidence.
And, man, that made me feel really good.
Um...
I went over to Michael Chandler's house, UFC Michael Chandler, fighter man.
You know it.
He came on here.
And, uh...
And, you know, I snuck that Dustin Poirier freaking sauce into the party, son.
Loyalty's going to loyalty.
And, um...
And I felt honored to go over there and just be...
It was fun, man, to talk about fighting a little bit.
And to be able to watch, uh...
Watch the Super Bowl.
Um...
What else happened?
I did a comedy set last night, and