Name: Kilo & Stitch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #326
Uploaded: 2021-03-02T14:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kilo & Stitch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #326' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kilo & Stitch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #326' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-02. Transcript available.

Kilo & Stitch | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #326

All right, good to be here today, good to be with you alive.
We are living here in time.
And I got some sage actually, a little bit of sage right here.
I just lit it.
They say it wards off the devil and everybody, anybody like that, you know,
Frankenstein,
everybody, damn, I lit that hot batch, fam.
PG, baby, PTL, you know it.
And this stuff, when we didn't have marijuana, we used to hit this shit pretty
hard, man.
I mean, I didn't get high, but damn, I'd be at peace.
I remember being at peace for all of the entire seventh grade because of that.
Damn, I can't get it to go out.
I'll pour some of this liquid death on it.
That'll help.
There we go.
Good to be here.
Good to be alive.
And shout out Sage Lanaker.
Shout out Sage Lanaker.
They had a man in our town when I was young.
You know, I wasn't, I was a child and there were people that were older and
some of those
were men and this fellow sage, this gentleman was, he I guess had a, if you, he
would, sometimes
he would torch some of his own body hair with a lighter, you know, maybe a, not
a candle,
but it was usually just a lighter and, um, and it had, it would kind of purify
the room.
It had the same ardure, uh, as a burning actual sage.
So I remember sometimes I'm at a party, you know, if people wanted to kind of
set the mood
or if people wanted to get kind of, um, native American, they torch a little
bit of his arm
hair or burn up into his armpit and really just pacify the crowd like that.
So praise God, man.
Oh, what's up?
I'm alive.
Isn't it weird?
Isn't it weird to just, you wake up and you're just alive again, you know, but
you keep going
at it.
Happy March.
That's one thing I can say to you and we are coming up on springtime.
And so it's, uh, you know, you can feel a core of it starting to disappear.
You can feel people having freedom and, you know, they're starting to have
counties around,
um, America that the, they're open, no masks.
You start to hear it.
It's happening.
Um, I guess, I don't know what to think, but thinking doesn't usually get me
anywhere
anyway.
So maybe I shouldn't do it.
What I do know though, is that, uh, you should be careful what you put in your
body and for
an all organic alternative to five hour energy that gets you into the flow
state, try magic
mind, magic mind.
It's an alternative to coffee.
Go to magic mind.co promo code Theo magic for 20% off.
Um, let's get into the episode.
Let's get into the episode.
Here we go.
This is Matthew Cazio runs in the family.
It's out of my hands and in my blood.
Out of my hands and in my blood.
It's red in a ledger and I can't pay up.
Come on.
Come on, Matthew.
It's just a matter of time.
There ain't no stop in the setting sun.
Can't watch the sin from the hairs that made me.
Can't outrun with runs in the family.
Runs in the family.
It's, you know, I was, I was, I was actually thinking the other way.
The other day, which would shock many, but, um, I wonder sometimes if we, if
like our DNA
has the pains of our ancestors in it, you know, just as much as you could have
the ability
of a, you know, say your great, great grandpappy or grandfather, which is a way
more appropriate
name, a great, great grandpappy sound.
It sounds like somebody who has no enamel in their mouth, you know, tongue only
one of them TO bad boys, you know, kind of guy will just inject damn, uh, nicotine
right into his tongue and just chew on that bitch.
But, um, yeah, I wonder like our, you know, our DNA can carry, you know, if you
have a child, it might have blue eyes or, or green eyes or red eyes or
something based on what the parents have.
And I was just wondering, well, what if you're, you know, what if your great,
great grandfather was, you know, something happened to him?
And does that get stored into your DNA almost like a undeveloped film?
And sometimes maybe it takes a generation or two for it to, you know, mature
enough or does dissipate enough and, and it affects you somehow.
You know, I wonder like, say if somebody tickled your great, great grandmother,
but she was in a coma or something, you know, when she died, you know, she was
in a crazy accident with the, uh, something simple like a hillside and a wagon
wheel.
You know, there wasn't a lot of hopper of unique accidents back then.
So she would, you know, run away wagon wheel, knocked her down a hillside.
She said she was in a coma for two years and people would take, you know, it's
one of her nephew, her little cousins or somebody, an intern or some pervert or
somebody would come in and tickle her at night.
Just kind of getting off on the fact that you could tickle, tickle the comatose
without any recourse, without even hearing a giggle, but knowing that that tickle
was getting stored into her body, into her frame, into the minutia of her.
You know, into the, you know, into the textiles, into the damn, just the fabric
of her, whoever she was.
And then she died.
She died in a coma, which happened all the time.
You, I mean, it, when you were in a coma a long time ago, people really thought
you were kind of hanging out with God, but your body was still here.
So they'd come and people would, you know, hey, give this to God, slip you a
little note, you know.
Hey, give God, may God a little bit of apple cider.
They slip a jug under your limp arm, you know.
Hey, tell God I'm trying to do these new hats, you know.
They put a cap on you.
Then you're jugged up, you're capped up.
You got hidden giggles in your body because the night manager's been tickling
you.
And then, I just wonder if, you know, do you have a grandchild or a great-grandchild
that just gets the giggles for no reason, you know.
Or, you know, I just wonder what the, I would just wonder sometimes, like, if
the things I'm feeling or thinking are, are doing even.
Or dreams that maybe a great-great-grandfather had or, or are things that
happened to them or experiences or fears or, I just wonder sometimes, like, you
know, how much of that, how much of the experiences of our ancestors are in,
locked into the DNA of us.
You know, and even groups of people, you know, certain ethnicities and, and,
you know, how much, how much of the travesty of some histories are locked into
the people.
And it takes a while to dissipate and to fall off of their, you know, fall off
of the core of their, of their being kind of deal.
So, I don't know, I'm kind of rambling now, but, um, what's going on?
I'm happy to be alive.
Um, you know, I, uh, what did I do?
Oh, we have Travis Tritt coming onto the podcast.
If you ever got an erection to a ballad, um, during the nineties or two
thousands, that could have been to a Travis Tritt song at a dance.
Dude, I remember God about after I was always the kid at the dance who like got
set up with somebody, you know?
And so you weren't, it wasn't like a little girlfriend.
So it was just like, yeah, you know, okay, I'm with Emily or I'm with, you know,
Larissa.
And you kind of, you were kind of excited, but you knew that they weren't like
into you.
So, but you kind of hoped secretly, you know?
And I remember I go to the dance and you do, you know, you, they had the obligatory,
like you had to kind of slow dance with your date.
But then after that, you could kind of freewheel it a little, and I remember
when some of the slow songs that would come on, man, I would get this, this one
girl had like a damn, I want to say it was like a huge belly button.
Like, I mean, like a dang, just like a little bowl, like a belly bowl, you know,
just inverted and, and if you were, I was spry, you know, at a, when I, at a
dance, man, I would get just, just, just weight, just spring and bone.
I had that 35th rib, baby, just peeking right up out of the middle of my body,
baby, you know what I'm saying?
My freaking cock was just gyrifying around, you know what I'm saying, baby.
You know what I'm saying to you.
You know, I was spry, I was ready.
I was procreational, I was just, you know, God had wound me up and let me go.
And I was looking to just spray out.
And sometimes I would dance with her and I remember she, she was like, I don't
know if she didn't have any feeling in her stomach or anything, but you could
like literally put your, just press your damn, just press your, just your
fucking junk right up.
Just right up, just smash it.
And she, it was just like, wise men say, only fools rushing, but I can't help
falling in.
It was just a ballad would go on, you know.
And you were just, God.
What, just like the world was thirsty for the sauce you had inside of your wiener.
That's what it felt like.
Like the world just was just, that's what it felt like being young.
It felt like the entire universe was constantly just sucking at your pee-pee.
But, those were the days, man.
That is Runs in the Family by Matthew Kazial.
What's happening?
What's going on?
I need to get some pants.
I don't like shopping.
I don't like, I don't like, I want to make a goal this year to shop more from
smaller brands, you know, hometown places.
I've been wanting to get a blender for the past month, so I'm going to try to
find a locale electronics dealership.
Go in there, test the models.
There'll be a guy in there like, hey, hey, I'm Ron.
Oh, yeah, this is smoothies?
Yeah, this one's smoothies?
This one.
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah, you got a newborn?
You just giving them peaches?
Oh, that's one.
That's one.
You know, and I'll listen to the bullshit for a bit before I say, look, Ron, I'll
take it, all right?
Just, you just shut up.
Can you do it?
What I see, the original Mr. Potato Head, they changed the name to just Potato
or something.
Let me see what it says.
The Mr. Potato Head article, yeah, it said Mr. Potato Head is now just going to
be Potato Head.
That's the thing, a gender-neutral version of the toy.
They will be offering a gender-neutral version of the toy alongside the
traditional, oh, so they're keeping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.
And people was, some people were upset about it.
I don't think the people were that upset about it, but they said, they say
online, which is basically a dangerous place to be if you like to have any
peace in your life.
But I was thinking like, well, a potato, first of all, is male, they have male
and female characteristics in it.
So you got to know they are self-pollinators.
I've had this article say, meaning that every individual potato plant possesses
both male and female flowers for reproduction.
So a potato's already got that dual citizenship, you know, when it comes to crotch.
So, yeah, why not?
Why not again?
My question is, what kid still wants to play with a potato?
You can't get a kid excited by giving them a damn potat anymore.
So that kid's not even mentally well, let's be honest.
That kid probably has a little bit of a hit of a, give me a T, give me an I,
give me an S, give me an M, baby, tism.
You know it.
And I grew up heavy in the autism world.
We had a kid at the end of our block and he really, he had just nine different
haircuts, man.
He just, he was kind of just, I mean, from everything from cornrow to damn fade
to military to damn, you know,
he had that kind of action gospel cut.
They thought he could sing.
He couldn't sing.
He was mentally challenged, you know, and, and they put him on the front porch
and he would sing, uh, ACDC lyrics and, you know,
and just kind of cheer at the cars when they went by.
And I don't know what happened to him.
And I would probably guess death if I had to guess something.
I don't know if I would guess death, but I would draw out of a hat.
Say if there was a hat full of things and it's, that had happened to him and
everybody had written on a card what happened to him.
I would draw a card out of there and I bet most of the cards would probably say
deceased and bless him, bro.
Praise God.
But, um, what am I, shit, I'm, I'm all over the place.
Um, yeah, what kid wants to play with a potato now?
Who cares?
I don't care if the potato, dude, this, that's not a real Mr. Potato.
Mr. Potato is a man.
He's a grown man.
He got his fe