Name: Easter Oyster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #329
Uploaded: 2021-03-17T14:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Easter Oyster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #329' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Easter Oyster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #329' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-17. Transcript available.

Easter Oyster | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #329

You know, happy St. Patrick's Day.
If you get sunburned easily, or you, or if somebody slaps you, everybody can
tell, then
this holiday is for you.
If you, if dogs get angry at you sometimes when they see you, because it can be
a little
a little shocking, you know, just the, the contrast or, you know, the contrast
of, of just
the reflection coming off of you sometimes can do that, then this holiday is
for you.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If two or three minutes in the sun can absolutely put you in the hospital,
maybe.
And maybe even affect your DNA so that your children and great-great-grandchildren
and everyone
you know ends up being addicted to alcohol, then this holiday is for you.
Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone.
St. Patty.
What are some famous saints they had?
Let me look at some.
Famous saints they had.
Anthony, Joseph.
Oh, Joseph was always trying to saint your sister down, you know what I'm
saying, boy?
You know little Joseph, bro.
He'd sneak over, dude.
Put a handful of freaking dirty holy water in your sister's, in your sister's
mouth, you know?
Trying to get her to freaking, uh, do some freebasing or whatever.
But, um, who else did they have?
Michael the Archangel?
Michael the Archangel?
Peter?
And then they had Patty.
Dude, you know St. Patty was like...
I'm not gonna say that...
She was probably...
I'm guessing probably transgender.
If you go back to, you know, the past, then it's probably St. Patty was
definitely trans.
You know, there comes St. Patty.
And St. Patty give you a little butterscotch.
Give you a little handful of mint.
You know?
Put a little, um, molasses under your tongue, man.
We used to have this guy that worked at our middle school named Mr. Rubin.
And he was named after probably the meat.
The sandwich meat.
And he, um...
And he...
He would put a little molasses under your tongue, baby.
You know, when he saw you.
He'd keep them a little dropper, like one of them squirrel feeders.
And when he saw you, if you was kind of being loud or something, he'd hit you
with that lasses, baby.
He'd just douse you up.
And you couldn't help but feel good.
And molasses is kind of...
It's sweet and also kind of earthy.
Kind of sour.
Kind of urban.
A little bit Canadian, but also a little...
Has just a mild kind of...
Maple-y Japanese kind of after...
You know, kind of, um...
Repast or something.
Vibe, you know?
But, um...
Anyway, happy St. Paddy's Day, man.
A lot of people out there.
The Irish.
And they're good, man, the Irish.
If you see the Irish, they're usually doing something.
Sometimes they just get so plastered.
They don't even...
You know, and you're like, oh man, is that guy okay?
And people are like, yeah, yeah, man.
That guy's Irish, bro.
You know, let him celebrate, baby.
So this is your day, man.
Thank you guys for being here with me today and for getting into this episode.
It is the year 2021.
And we are traveling through space and time in unison.
And this is our time.
This is Grady Spencer and the work.
You always are the one who keeps it together.
You always are the one who knows just what you need.
You always are the one who stays home with your baby.
You're gonna be the one who stays right here with me.
Going out on the city, baby.
Have a little whiskey and wine.
Have a little whiskey and wine.
Baby, you know you're so pretty.
And I don't know how the baby you're mine.
This is our time.
This is our time.
That is Grady Spencer and the work.
And that's their album.
You know, they do a song and they, and, you know, it's amazing.
Somebody makes a song and then you get to enjoy it.
And that's called Transmission.
Happy St. Patrick's.
You know, happy St. Patty and happy everybody named Patty.
Everybody that's ever been patted on the back.
Everybody that's ever had a patch on their pants.
You know, everybody who's ever attempted a point after a touchdown.
I commend you.
I commend you all on this beautiful day to enjoy the color green.
I said, Sean, I said, Sean, he gets, you know, get a little something.
Step up the studio.
We got a couple of, these look like Florida plants a little.
Something from Florida.
And, uh, we got that vibe.
We got a little bitty hat.
Okay.
Somebody come through this kind of small headed.
And, um, what's up?
Went to jujitsu today.
Uh, man.
What?
Something.
Well, I'll be honest with you, man.
They had me fight.
It's not going well.
I'll say that.
Um, I have, uh, tapped out two fighters.
Women fighters.
You know, females.
They call them females.
But, as far as I'm concerned, once you get in, um, in a dojo dog, it's all.
It's mano y mano.
You know, leave your tits at the door, boo-boo.
It's, you know, we both going toe-to-toe here.
It doesn't matter.
Everybody gots a wiener in here.
That's how I look at it.
So, but the crazy part, they made me, like, fight a, I guess, a blind guy.
And this guy's blind, bro.
Legally blind.
Or, or illegally blind, I guess.
I don't know which one he is.
I haven't seen, like, his prison record and stuff, but he's blind.
So, it's kind of crazy because I'll just be real quiet and they say that's
cheating.
So, it's like, I don't know.
You learn as you go.
I'm just grateful to be in there.
I hurt one of my wrists so bad, though.
I couldn't even wipe my buttocks, man.
If I was doing number two, doing a duty.
I couldn't put enough pressure onto the tissue.
I just couldn't, it was like, you know, I just couldn't do it.
So, then I had to wipe my buttocks with an alternate hand.
Which, I don't know if you've ever done that.
But it's, first of all, it's very scary.
I didn't even know how to do it.
It's kind of like when somebody has you shoot a free throw or something with
your opposing hand.
You know, if somebody has you use your opposing hand, you, it's scary, right?
You know, it feels like you feel like, you feel like kind of blind in your arm
or something.
You feel like your whole arm is blind.
You know, it's just, you can't do it.
You can't, you just can't, you can't do it, man.
So, that, that, that's something that's tricky, man.
You know, that's something that even Mr. Ruben with a couple freaking baby bird
droppers of that, of that molasses can't handle and can't heal.
But, um, so anyway, yeah, just been going through a lot of aches and pains with
that.
And dealing with that and just getting through it.
Fighting the blind, fighting the femalis, bro.
You know?
Um, it's, yeah, you know, they're very accepting of me over there.
They work with me.
Uh, it's just harder.
Your body gets older.
It gets harder if, you gotta make sure everything.
Here's what I noticed about getting older.
I notice when I jump somewhere, I have to look where I'm jumping.
I used to just jump.
I would jump, I would land, I'm going.
I'm already on to the next whatever it is.
But now it's like, if I'm, say I'm going for a jog or something, I'm going to
jump over something.
I'm, there's a couple seconds of planning.
It's like, almost like a quarter block of planning.
Okay.
When I get up here, I'm going to do this jump.
And it's not, it's not even anything big.
It's like a little, it's like two sticks.
That have somehow found their way together.
Two sticks or a, you know, a little, um, sea herb or something.
Curb.
You know, and so, I, uh, but I was like, alright, here we go.
Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go.
Okay.
Yeah.
And it's so, it just, it's so much more of a thing.
We're in the, when you was a child, you'd run and jump over something.
You didn't know.
You'd jump over it and keep going.
Never even thought twice or even once about it.
But different times, man.
Um, I got a home.
I got a place.
I'm keeping my place in Los Angeles.
I got a place out here in the Central East.
So, I'm going to experiment with that.
It's exciting, but nerve wracking.
Um, but it's kind of nice.
It's like you can, it's a, things are a little more chill and then things are a
little bit
more, uh, when I go to Los Angeles and it's for, if I want to go there for a
month or if
I want to work on something or, you know, we're doing podcasting, whatever.
It's great.
It's kind of nice to be able to be in different places.
Uh, so I'm real grateful to have that ability.
And ability is just, that's just when you can do something and you, it's not
even when
you then do it.
It's just when you can do something.
So, there's a lot of ability out there that never gets acted on, which is kind
of wild,
really.
Um, but I went over there the other night and I like, cause the, the, the place
closed
yesterday and I went over there and man, I like walked in and I was like, I was
almost
kind of spooked out.
It was like, all right, I guess, uh, and I didn't even stay.
I just came back to the Airbnb that I've been over at.
Um, you know, it feels like, I don't know, I guess it feels like maybe you
should have like
a family or something, or maybe it feels like you should have, there should be
some other
level.
Uh, I don't know.
I think I need to get some groceries that will help me get more acclimated.
So, but those are some things that are going on or have been, um, what else?
Oh, I went to a basketball game.
I went to the LSU, was playing in the, um, SEC tournament.
And I really love LSU, LSU basketball.
My, my father was friends with Dale Brown when he was, I don't know when they
were children
and Dale Brown's like an old coach of LSU.
And anyway, um, anyway, so I go down to the game.
I took a date, took a date, go down to the game.
And first of all, I didn't, I didn't have, uh, tickets.
I didn't have any entry, entry certificates, you know?
So I'm thinking I got to get some, you know, I got, I need to hit one of these,
uh, vendors,
a vendor.
And so I go and a man, they got a big fella out there and the dude was pre, it
was kind
of an urban dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, kind of like seemed black.
And so he was eating something.
He was polishing off something.
He was a big guy.
He reminded me of, um, Baloo, I think.
Baloo Bear.
Let me look him.
Yes.
He had that feet, uh, that physique, that same physique, baby, that P high
physique as Baloo
from the jungle book.
Very, uh, like lean, like kind of like, well, look, first of all, if you've
been to an SEC
event or something, there's a lot of country people there.
So a lot of people resembled a kind of a snowman-esque or melted snowman, you
know, that body style
where it was just somebody wearing a 9XL t-shirt with no pants, just totally,
it went, it went
down to their shoes and then they just kind of tied it off at the bottom, you
know, just a
lot of unique body styles, very, uh, plush.
I would say overall, you know, I'd say kind of, um, flammable type of body, you
know, real
soft, real flammable body style.
Um, anyway, so this fella, we go over and trying to get some tickets and I
should have just got
him before I go and the man named was Sherlock.
Okay.
The man named was Sherlock and he said, Oh, my, my brother has them yard boy.
So the second he said yard boy, I could see my date was kind of, she wasn't
real sure about,
how, I think probably the way I operate, I would say maybe she was, she knew
that thing, this
was getting interesting and this wasn't the type of interest and she wanted,
you know, her,
like for her probably her, you know, in, you know, I think as interest, anyway,
so she, so
anyway, we got, we start walking down the street, so we see yard boy, right?
And he basically looks just like the guy, he looks just like Sherlock and
Sherlock was eating
something, man, or he had crumbs built in around his mouth.
Like, but it looked like he'd been croissant, you know, like he'd been, um,
French snacking.
You know what I'm saying?
And he had that big, that big baby bear look where he, he's definitely stuck
his head into
a bakery window and kind of had his way while the cashier, uh, was in the
restroom, you know
what I'm saying?
So anyway, uh, Sherlock is doing his thing and then we meet up with yard boy
and yard boy
is from, I want to say Jamaica maybe, but that's also just me guessing because
if I hear an