Name: Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #331
Uploaded: 2021-03-27T17:00:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #331' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #331' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-27. Transcript available.

Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #331

Today's guest is a really, is a unique man, they would say, if you saw
something.
And it is, he was from the North and now he's a Southern man.
He's a, he's dual hemisphere man now.
You may know him from his Flagrant Tube podcast with Akash Singh.
Or his Brilliant Idiots podcast with Charlemagne the God.
Or Schultz Saves America on Netflix.
It is my friend, comedian Andrew Schultz.
Dude, you look Guatemalan, bro.
You're coming in.
Damn, boy.
How dark you going, dog?
I know you're trying to get the black.
As dark as it gets, man.
Bro, you're trying to get diversity on lock, bro.
I start firing all my minorities.
Yeah, dude.
I got this covered, boys.
Yeah, you start wearing one of the coming to America hats.
I saw some guy in one of those today, dude.
Yo, I got some of my teeth, bro.
Do you?
I think I'm going to, I'm going to get it out with this.
But whatever, we're going.
Yo, shout out to Nate Bargatze, man.
Yeah, shout out to Nate Bargatze, man.
He got that new special that's out.
I don't even know the name.
It's Most American Man or something.
Yeah, the best average American.
Something like that.
Yeah.
Which is good.
I like it.
Yeah, it's good stuff, man.
I just love Nate.
Yeah, dude.
He just described him in the funniest way.
I don't know if we were recording for it.
Yeah, he's smart.
Yeah, you said that you and I, we need something from the audience.
I need to see the audience doing something.
Yeah.
And Nate could probably perform.
We were saying he did the show, the special with the masks.
Yeah.
And I'm like, yeah, he could do that.
He could do his jokes if people were laughing or not,
and he could perform them in the same way.
Yes, and he'll be fine.
Yeah, you and I would have a meltdown.
If they were wearing masks, just in our own heads,
like, are they laughing?
What the fuck are they squinting for?
What's wrong with these fucking people?
Yeah, what's that guy thinking about?
Yeah, Nate could perform for reforestation.
Like, he could perform for, like, you know, like a fall.
You know, he just, yeah, he doesn't need that.
Right.
He doesn't need that heavy feedback, man.
God bless him.
God bless him.
Yeah, dude, I want to come down there.
I just love y'all's new set, man.
Even how it looks on IG, yeah, it just looks like.
We need you down there, bro.
It makes me want to do some Capoeira, dog,
and order a, you know, a.
Caipirinha?
Yeah.
Some Capoeira and a Caipirinha.
Yeah, dude, it makes me want to do that.
And I see you guys are renting.
What are y'all renting a palace or something out there?
You're getting chic-ish.
A little palace, bro.
You guys are getting chic-ish.
We're in the hood, though, to be honest.
Are you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
But it looks like it's not.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, it looks nice, man.
Yeah, I like going down there, man.
Yeah, what's going on, bro?
I mean, just chilling, dude.
Living life, getting some sun out here, doing shows.
Have you thought differently since being in Miami?
Like, has it started to adjust your view of, like,
do I need to be in New York?
Bro, I was thinking this on the way here.
Like, if there's one positive to corona,
it's I made a lot of money.
No, if there's one positive to corona,
I think it's people from New York and in L.A.
realize that, oh, there's other places in America
that are really nice to live.
Yeah.
And I didn't have, I had that attitude when I was growing up,
and then I kind of, like, got out of New York,
and I have family that's not from New York,
so I, like, saw there are other, like,
really cool places in America.
But, like, I know that attitude
because I grew up with that attitude.
Right.
And, yeah, just going down to Miami
and, like, just really enjoying living in a fucking house.
Yeah.
And, like, having to drive to work
and then going,
it's nice taking half an hour,
just collect my thoughts.
Yeah.
Dude, it's dope.
Well, especially for somebody coming out of the city,
I mean, that's got to be a really different energy.
The city's great, but it sucks.
Yeah.
Like, it's the worst place to live.
It's not how human beings should live.
Yeah.
You've been in New York.
Yeah, I've been in New York, man.
Oh, I remember I was doing drugs.
I was staying at Ari Shaffir's old place, dude,
before he frickin' did that epithet for Kobe
or whatever he did, whatever it's called,
before he spoke at his funeral.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I got locked out of there.
Dude, I had to climb.
They have, like, these communal gardens or something.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, sometimes.
No, they don't.
They do, though.
They have, like.
There's no communal garden in there.
Stop, bro.
Stop making shit up.
I'm not joking, bro.
Stop telling me there's a fucking communal garden.
I had to sneak through.
I had to sneak through somebody.
It was a koi fish pond.
I'm swimming through the koi fish pond.
I didn't think there was some rabbit patch in the backyard
to get into his place.
Like, bro, it was insane.
It was just crazy.
Yeah, it was just a lot, bro.
You're sweating.
There's just a lot going on.
For even somebody that's not.
I felt like.
I almost got wrapped up in one of your stories.
It almost happened just right there.
Bro.
It almost happened right there.
It sounded so romantic and fantastical.
I was like, oh, tell me about New York.
There's a communal garden.
There's no fucking communal garden.
At 12th and C, there's a fucking communal garden.
Or somebody burned a building down.
And there's growth.
And the weeds started to grow.
Yeah, dude.
Anyway, I had to jump a fence.
I had to sneak around the back of his building
and put it in.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I thought New York City's hard, bro.
I think if you get older, it's got to be tougher.
Okay, what if it's not older?
What if it's like you start achieving some of your dreams
and then you're like, how much do I want to live in the grind
to get to the place where I want to be?
Because it is the place for the grind.
Oh, the grind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you're a coffee bean dog.
You fucking getting.
In there.
You're in there.
Just getting rinsed.
Yeah.
Non-stop, dude.
Yeah.
And it's worth it because you get to put,
you know, do all the sets and shit.
Like, I remember seeing you run around the city.
You know what I mean?
Dude, I used to go over out there to LIE
to that other place out there.
They had, dude, that's the crazy thing about New York.
The room will be 30 feet by two and a half feet.
It's like the Norwegian, what is it called?
The Norwegian cruise line.
They made a comedy club in just the corridor.
Remember how crazy?
That shit is ridiculous.
Waitress couldn't even carry a tray.
Uh-uh, unbelievable.
She was just like, individual tray.
2D.
It was 2D comedy.
It wasn't even three-dimensional.
She had to set the drinks on her shoulders
and then walked sideways to get to the table.
An Egyptian?
Yeah, yeah.
Dude, Nate Bargazzi murdered in that room, bro.
Oh, I can see that, yeah.
Just murdered it.
I can see that.
Yeah, he's so calm.
Yeah.
Nate is that calm, man.
I bet him donating blood, it could be an afternoon, bro.
Two pints, man.
Yeah, but it could be.
He donates double.
It's a while, though.
His blood don't even care to go.
It's like, what are we doing here, Nate?
You know?
Yeah, he's the calm, man.
He's the middle of a storm, that guy.
He's good at just staying calm, man.
We had a question that came up.
Riley Mal's here with us today.
And why don't you bring something up, Riley?
We got a fellow from the MTA, I know, that brought in a question here.
It's an urban gentleman kind of.
Suburban gentleman.
No, urban.
This guy's urban.
Oh, urban gentleman.
There we go, Riley.
Get it out there.
That's it.
Huh?
Think you ever moved back to Kelly?
Well, let's see what this guy has to say.
Sorry, Brandon.
The podcast is over.
It's just going to be some sting, Brandon.
Oh, it's been sting for a couple weeks over there.
You and Chris, even better eat some weird shit.
Hey, what's on the menu?
What's on the menu next week?
Oh, bro, he's getting freaking ridiculous over there.
You think I'm flying in for a delicacy, son?
Stop.
Get out of here.
Get the volume on, Riley.
No, hold on.
So you're not going back, bro?
Hmm?
You're not going?
I'm going back, dude.
Fuck you, bro.
This is a question.
Turn the question on, Riley.
I can't even throw my mic.
There's no sound coming.
There is a sound.
Fix the damn thing.
I couldn't even throw my mic away because y'all made fun of me for the way I
laugh on the podcast.
Who did?
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, that's you, dude, yeah.
That is you.
Bro, yeah, that's you.
Who said that?
Who did that one?
I did.
That's awesome, bro.
Find a better way to fix it, Riley.
Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm trying to do.
Okay.
I was crying.
Sorry, man.
This question was supposed to fit in perfect.
How old are these kids you got working here, bro?
Like 12 years old.
I don't know.
It's getting bad.
You got a little Peter Pan factory going on.
Fucking getting bad.
What's going on, dude?
Bro, that's the one thing you find outside of LA and New York, dude.
It's young boys.
We got a question that came in right here for you, souls.
Okay, okay.
What's up, Theo?
What's up, Heszy?
What's up?
It's your boy, Morphe, from New York City, Harlem, repping that MTA hitter, as
you can see.
Gang, baby, let's go.
Actually, fuck them.
This is a shitty organization to work for, anyway.
Anyways, my question, Heszy, man.
I've been watching you ever since, like, fucking die-code, man.
Respect.
You've come a long way, brother.
Yeah.
Go, boy.
Anyways, my question for you is, who do you think you are, bro?
You've been shitting on New York ever since you left, man.
What the fuck is going on?
The pressure, dog.
The pressure.
We never see you around.
We got cocaine.
We got hookers, taxis, everything you went through, man.
Yeah, I'll be up there, man.
I'll come through.
I'll be the white Heszy, bro.
I'm going to come through and take that land.
I'm not the man.
I'm going to come through and take that land, baby.
I'm going to come through and take that land, baby.
Where you been at now?
Is it true that you've been shitting?
I have no clue.
Have you been shitting on New York or what?
No, I love New York, man.
I just love not New York, too.
But you're getting different, though, bro.
Yeah, I'm different.
I'm tan, bro.
Yeah.
I look better tan, bro.
Oh, you do look better.
Yeah, I think I look better tan.
Well, you come in a lot more, and I'll be honest with you, bro.
You come in a lot more, I think, Mexican, bro, or fucking beach Slavic, you
know?
You know what I'm saying?
Like beach Croatian.
Croatian.
Beach Slavic.
Dude, you know what I'm saying, bro?
They're fucking Slavs, bro.
They're about it.
Yo, them Slavs are wild, bro.
Dude, they are.
They're ladies.
Because they're white.
Yeah.
But they're not.
Oh, they're not.
Right?
They're not, dude.
They're not.
You crack them open, dude.
There's a couple brothers in there.
There's a couple brothers.
You know what I'm saying?
There's a couple brothers in the ribcage eating oranges, bro.
It's like them little Russian dogs.
Oh, okay.
You're going to get a brown one eventually.
Yeah.
Oh, there's Sheldrick.
Yeah.
That's a good question, though, man.
Like, yeah.
Well, it makes me think.
I love New York, but I'm a complete hypocrite, bro.
Now, tell me this.
Have you been able to get different.
Sorry, I interrupted you.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Have you been able to get different guests down in Miami that you wouldn't have
been able
to get?
Not really.
I mean, like, we had your boy.
You got to tell me what happened with Chris Hansen, bro.
Because we had Chris Hansen on.
Yeah, you got to have.
And then everybody kept hitting me like, yo, tell him to pay back Theo.
I was like, for what?
Like, I thought they said tell him to pay back Theo.
And I didn't know if, like, you were involved in, like, to catch a predator in
some way.
Oh, no, I've never done anything like that.
Okay.
So, like, no.
I'll be honest, bro.
I had one girl.
He should show up here, though.
On