Name: Bumpers Off | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #334
Uploaded: 2021-04-09T15:01:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bumpers Off | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #334' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bumpers Off | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #334' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-09. Transcript available.

Bumpers Off | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #334

What's up, what's up, you little knuckle huffers.
How you guys doing out there?
Out there, probably been sniffing your daddy's gasket, I know it.
And you've been out there crumming around on your grandmother's frickin' skirt.
Praise God, baby.
Good to be here with you.
I am, um, what am I doing?
I am, well, I'll tell you, a damn branch fell in my yard.
A damn branch, man, uh, uh, you know.
You know, one of Mother Nature's damn knuckles, bro.
That bitch just fell in my yard, man.
It just, um, I mean, a branch is basically, it's like a tree just taking a shit
in your yard.
Let's be honest, you know, and so, that thing hit, you know, it hit down in the
yard and the man came.
And, uh, you know, the branch man up there from Richard's Branch Company or
something, Richard's Forest or Deforestry or something, I don't know what they
were doing, some kind of, I mean, it's probably, you know, people using drugs
and trying to get better and, but working with branches in the meantime and
stuff.
But, um, the man came and he said $1,100 to get the branch out of the yard.
And that shook me a little.
You know, that really twisted my dick, man, honestly.
You know?
It felt like somebody just wrapped my nuts around my dick.
Because $1,100, that's a, you know.
Dude, I had a fella in my old building offer to kill someone that we both knew
that we didn't, you know, I guess think should be alive.
He offered to kill them for $1,000.
So, you're telling me, Richards, that I can get a man, a human, removed from
the earth for $1,000.
But $1,100 out here on this dead wood?
Come on, bruh.
So, I'll tell you, you know what I did?
I'll tell you exactly what I did.
I got me a Fiskars saw.
I brought it.
I got me that Fiskars 18 inch right there with that antelope front.
You know?
That anteater, that gripper, baby.
And as he's telling me, as he's telling me, 11, I'm cutting that bastard off
and throwing chunks over the fence.
There goes $200 worth right there.
Now, we down to $900, Richards.
And he's still rattling on about the price and he said, well, we got to have
our guys insured.
I said, bitch, put on some cleats.
You know what I'm saying?
Protect your ankles, daddy.
And I sawed off another chunk and threw that bastard over the fence.
Now, two-fifths of it's gone, Richards.
We're down a damn $700, $800 worth of branch left, according to you.
So, you just got to be careful.
They'll gouge you.
Here we go.
Robert Randolph and the family band.
Dirty water.
Dirty water.
Red clay mud.
I need redemption.
Save from the blood.
Give me everlasting.
Give me all the love.
I'm there for the weight in it.
I'm crossing the blood.
I'm begging you, please.
Peggy, please.
Back-time, please.
Come on.
I'm begging you, please.
Back-time, please.
Dip me in the water, baby.
I've never seen it coming.
Looking at me that way.
Now I'm on my blues.
Seating brighter days.
Tell them Bobby Randy.
I'm a son of a preacher, man.
A small-time cliche.
I've never learned a devil's song.
What else can I say?
Hey!
Now I'm on my knees.
Lord, baptize me.
Baptize me, baby boy.
You know it.
Now I'm on my knees.
Baptize me.
And there you go with the awkward fade-out per usual.
And you know that.
That's how I do that.
Oh, I'm begging you, please.
Baptize me.
And that's Robert Randolph and the family band.
Man, I remember seeing him at a hotel somewhere.
And was it Atlanta maybe?
Somewhere.
I just remember seeing him at a hotel.
And man, I was just fired up.
I saw him in the lobby.
He wouldn't remember.
This was a decade ago.
You know, back when I was young.
And my chunk was thick back then.
And my body was strong.
But baptize me.
That's what they say.
Dip me in the water.
Take me to the river.
Put me in the water.
And we back from Easter.
You know what I'm saying?
All these eggs have been hunted.
And it's springtime is in the air.
And you'll see it a lot of ladies be flashing that bottom.
Trying to get sprayed in.
Trying to get affection.
And it's that time of year.
It's interesting that Mother Nature built in a time
where the spunk starts to fly, baby.
You know it.
Where the titties starts to perk.
Mother Nature built that time into the clock.
It's pretty fascinating.
But happy belated Easter to everyone.
You know, Jesus is back.
Hide and go seek.
I'll tell you this.
Hide and go seek champion, brother.
Jesus Cristo.
You know what I'm saying?
That Mexican-American bad boy.
Jesus Christ.
I mean, the fact that they couldn't find him for a couple days.
He's dead.
He's not dead.
He's back.
He's ghosting.
And now all these bitches want him, to be honest with you.
Praise God.
I hope you had a nice Easter, man.
I went to Louisiana.
Spent time with my family.
What did we do?
We did a crawfish boil down there.
And, you know, the crawfish boil, everybody comes out.
People come out, whether they've been hiding for the winter, whatever.
You know, your cousin, little Andrew, come out.
He got a new mole on his face.
Say he's talking to a girl or something.
He ain't talking to no girl.
Everybody knows that shit.
You know, your friend come out.
He's handicapped.
Your other buddy come out.
He was in a fire.
Maybe Big Tiffany was in a fire.
She got burnt out, you know.
And she got some salve on her back or something.
But, yeah.
Happy Easter, man.
Baptize me.
That's what he's saying, Robert Randolph.
Baptize me.
Put me in the water.
Back me to the river.
You know, what's fascinating about baptizing is just getting that wash, you
know.
That's the freaking Lord's car wash right there.
And they dip you through that plain of water and air.
It's really fascinating because you could take a fish in one hand.
And you could take a bird, an air bird in the other.
And you could switch them at the same time.
Put one underwater, one out of the water.
And they both can't handle.
They can't handle that smoke, baby, on the lungs.
It's just interesting what a line of pressure.
What a horizon of existence that plain is between water and air.
It's pretty fascinating.
And we used to be in water.
When you're born, when you're an infantile, a baby, you're in your mother's
body.
You in there, you backstroking.
In that VADs gravy, dog.
You backstroking.
In the Lord's butternut squash, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
You're in there.
You in that hot tub, baby, up in them ovaries.
You hot tub.
And you're breathing water.
You're breathing liquid.
Let me look it up to make sure because I don't want to lie to you.
Do we breathe liquid when we are, baby?
Do we breathe liquid when we are, baby?
The mother's placenta helps the baby breathe while it is growing in the womb.
Oxygen and carbon dioxide flow through the blood in the placenta.
Most of it goes to the heart and flows through the baby's body.
At birth, the baby's lungs are filled with fluid.
Woo-woo!
It's just pretty, it's just wild how that baptism, that dip, they're really,
they're almost taking you back to whenever you were made, when you were, you
know, before you were aftermarket.
Before the devil got to you and before you were aftermarket and before you got,
you know, when they, when they baptize you, they're almost just dipping you in
that water.
Just saying, hey, remember this?
Remember when the Lord had you all fished out?
When you was gilled out?
It's interesting, man.
I think it's interesting.
What the hell do I know?
But yeah, I had a good time, man.
I slept in a child's bed, you know, with no child in there because you know I'm,
I'm happy to not be a pedophile or to be doing anything like that.
And I want to thank God right now that I'm not a pedophile, man, because it
just seems unrewarding.
It seems, it just seems like there's no, you know, it's the one sport you can't
really tell anybody you play if you do it.
And it's, I mean, it's the devil's backgammon.
And I'm glad I'm not doing it today or ever, ever.
Also, I want to say that.
I want to say ever as well.
And I'm going to say it loud.
What else is going on?
Um, oh, I'm in a new studio.
I didn't even think about that.
Here I am.
I've got a new fake plant.
Dude, I'll tell you this.
A fake plant costs $119.
$119 for this fucking front yard toupee right here, baby.
Boy, $119 for this fucking chlorophyll skin graft, dog.
$119 for this fern, baby.
For this bullshit.
Isn't that fascinating?
That's the market we need to be in.
The fake plant market.
You know, when I was young, we grew up next to a place where they was doing,
what is it called?
Not projectiles, but, um, uh, what's it called?
When you need something to reach something, um, but you don't have it,
something happened.
Fire, hatchet, you know, accident, something like a prosthetic.
We grew up over near a prosthetic place.
And sometimes we'd go in there after hours and the men would be in there and
they would hold it and, uh, they'd get you a beer or something if you wanted.
If you was of age, they would, you know, they kind of had the arm and the leg
kind of where you could drink, you know, use it to have some beer for the
adults.
But, yeah, and early prosthetics, man, them bitches was really, uh, it was
bottom shelf.
You know, some were rubber, I remember.
Um, some of them, one of them had like a little thing, you could pot a
cigarette or something.
It's just like shit that was kind of vague, you know.
Uh, but we grew up not far from a place that did that.
Um, what was I talking about?
I don't even know.
But, yeah, I got that Fisker 18-inch blade.
And that's what I use to solve my problem right now in my own yard.
But, yeah, being a homeowner is really jarring.
You know, I'm out here in the Central East and I got a locale now and it is, it's
just, like, every time I leave, it's like, ah, do I leave the lights on?
What's on?
Is the oven on?
Is the garbage disposal on?
Is the, um, porch light on?
Is the back porch light on?
You know, there's just so many little things to think about.
And before I never had a, I would leave the house with everything on, garbage
disposal, lights, uh, thermostat, um, everything.
Fucking cut it all on, you know.
Let this bitch vibrate while I'm out.
Let it shake a little.
But now it's like everything's just like, okay.
Like, yes, everything's fine.
So it's just a tricky time, man.
Uh.
I want to, uh, thank, uh, Liquid Death for supporting us.
They're a beautiful supporter.
And it's good water.
If you like canned water from the mountains, you will enjoy it.
And if you want to die, die wet.
That's how you, that's the only way to do it.
I was thinking about water and, uh, and that song had me thinking about it.
That Baptized Me by Robert Randolph.
Had me really thinking about that water, that agua, baby, that Spanish water.
And, uh, there's some shades right here.
I'm going to throw these bastards back on.
You know, I was thinking that, you know, water was one of God's apps originally.
You know, people are shocked that God, God has some good apps when you think
about it.
Water, fire, uh, gravity, um, smoke, wolves.
Uh, what else?
Maybe lightning, maybe.
I guess, I mean, lightning's good, but, yeah, lightning and that's probably one
of the, some of the top four or seven.
And the thing is, is that, uh, God, those are the, those are the original apps.
People nowadays think, oh, I got this.
I got GoPuff.
I got, you know, Big Girl or whatever some of the apps are.
Bitch, that is, that's nothing.
Cause the, I mean, God had those apps, baby.
Fire, water.
Dude, he pressed that water button.
Pew, Atlantis, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
The bus stop was suddenly freaking 400 feet underwater.
You know, he, he, he, he, uh, pressed the fire button and bam, son, San Bernardino
was born.
You know, it's just, we got to think about the power.
Mother nature really has the ultimate apps.
Even though we get caught up in our own, we start to get further and further
from nature.
You know, I get further and further.
It's kind of remarkable because I'll see a drone and I'll be fascinated.
But I'll see one of those fat bumblebees, one of those freaking lemony thickets,
you know.
And I won't think, I won't be like,