Name: Khalyla | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #336
Uploaded: 2021-04-23T16:28:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Khalyla | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #336' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Khalyla | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #336' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-23. Transcript available.

Khalyla | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #336

Today's guest is a woman that, I mean a woman that really, I'd be online if I
said she didn't occupy one of my aortas a lot of times.
And, you know, she's a very loving lady that is part of the podcast community
and a wonderful podcaster in her own right.
And she has a new podcast called Blood Bath that you can check out.
She's a real heartbeat in the world, and we're happy to have her here today,
Miss Kalilah.
You're always one of the comics that I always felt like, oh, I like him, which
is kind of a rare thing.
Really?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I always, I mean, I think it's hard whenever somebody sees you not to be like,
you know, have some sort of desire around you or something like that.
You know, I think you see, I think you seem very desirable.
I have a question about that.
Yeah.
Especially to a white man or semi-white.
I'm semi-white.
Does the question of desirability have to do with who my partner is?
Like, if a guy sees me.
Yeah.
Does the desirability level go up because he thinks that Bobby is somehow not
an equal to me?
Or, like, let's say I was with, like, a strapping six foot four guy.
Okay.
Okay, like, what do you mean, like a Tongan or something?
Tongan, yeah.
Love Tongans.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, you're saying, so if you were, like, with a big, like, rugby player.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Rugby guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Immediately in a guy's mind, would I just be off limits?
Would you be off limits if I saw you with him?
Versus you seeing me with my little, yeah, my little boiled egg.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, does that matter?
I mean, I just know Bobby has, I just, I feel like with Bobby, there's more of,
and I say
this only out of respect, I love Bobby, and, you know, I hope I get to be a
pallbearer
at his funeral.
If anything ever happens to him, which I hope nothing ever happens to him.
I thought you were going to say wedding.
You could be.
Please don't wish him death.
Sorry, I would never wish him death.
I'll kill myself.
He is, I will say this, though, and I say it out of love and respect, and I
tell him
this a lot.
He is more light.
You can tell that death looks for him a little, you know, like he's had some of
the addiction
stuff.
He's had, you know, he's very, he looks very, you know, he looks really like a
strong shellfish
would kill him, to be honest.
But what I'm saying is, so when you see you with.
By strong shellfish, we're talking like a big lobster with a big carapace.
You're talking.
Like spiny lobster.
No, no, no, I'm talking something to food poisoning.
I was thinking that a lobster would attack him in the ocean.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, I could see a lobster attacking him at maybe like a pool at like a Hampton
Inn or
something.
But, God, you have a beautiful laugh, too.
But I think a lobster attacking him like at a, no, I was thinking more him
eating a bad
shrimp or having a bad piece of pork somewhere.
Oh, okay.
You know, especially with you guys combining forces of, you guys come from a
very background
of a lot of street food.
It's very popular in your cultures.
And so I think that doubles the chances of somebody.
Well, he has an American stomach.
I don't care what his culture is.
That thing is not steel clad.
Yeah, that's not metal clad.
He has diarrhea all day long.
Oh, yeah.
On oatmeal.
You know?
He actually looks like where diarrhea started.
If somebody were to, I don't know if they can trace it, but I could see
suddenly the fuzz
just showing up at y'all's door.
I mean, look.
Kicking it down and Bobby's just on the john, you know, just looking up.
He can't get anything.
He can't keep anything down, it seems.
It's just intractable diarrhea all day long.
It's unbelievable.
Well, you know, so here's what I do think.
I think when you see a guy, when you see a girl like you with Bobby, and I love
Bobby
and Bobby's probably one of my 50, probably 40 favorite people, I would bet, 30.
30, top 30.
But you think Bobby is more prone to death, I think, than if I saw you with
like a big
six-foot guy.
That guy seems like, oh, he's going to live forever.
So Bobby, there's a, not in a bad way, you know?
I know, I'm sure Bobby's going to live for a long time.
But you just see him as being like, oh, anything could happen.
He, you know, he drives and plays games.
He just, he puts himself in dangerous ways.
So I think then there's, allows a little more room for who is going to care for
this
woman if something ever happened to him.
And not in a bad way, but if, and so it's out of love, I think that you look
and say,
okay, whereas if I saw you with some guy like Bill Clinton, like a young Bill
Clinton or
something, then I think I would be like, oh man, you know, even after he dies,
he'll
still be able to take care of her.
Well, I think that.
Well, I don't know if ghost Bobby could hold you down, is what I'm saying.
I don't know.
Can somebody help me out here?
I think Bobby would haunt the shit out of both of us.
Yeah, that's true.
I mean, if you're, I don't know what you're trying to say, Theo, but you're
saying.
What are you asking me?
That's what I feel like.
Are you, are you in line to catch me?
Should he die?
No.
Are you the man to take care of this woman and this damsel in distress?
What?
Is this like a, is this a proposal?
No, I, I, this is what I wanted to actually hash out with you.
Okay.
For some reason, I get a barrage of messages.
Okay.
And what is barrage?
I mean, that's French, isn't it barrage?
It could be.
Just always messages pertaining or accusatory messages.
Okay.
Thinking that you and I are in some sort of, that you're my side piece.
That you're my second.
All right.
And I don't know where that comes from because I don't feel like we've ever
talked about
it on our podcast or have we?
I have never said anything like that.
I mean, I don't know if they, do you feel like there's any attraction between
us or no?
I, I personally don't think so.
But I like you a lot.
I said, do you feel like there is?
And I don't mean that in a bad way.
Okay.
Here, let me try to break this down in like a really transparent way.
I want to be honest.
There are people that I walk past that I feel like an instant, like chemistry
with.
I'm not threatened by that feeling at all.
I just kind of like clock it.
And then, you know, it's, it's, it validates that I'm human.
I do have it with certain people in his life, but not you.
Okay.
Okay.
You play a sad sound.
Do we have any sad sounds queued up?
Because you, you feel more like family.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know Louisiana is not, it's, it's, it's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what Bobby always says.
So here's what I'm saying is, all right?
But, but, but, but, but, but, but, um, no, I, I, I, yeah, I just, I think that
I, I guess
when I look at you and Bobby, what was the original question really?
If, if dudes calculate in their mind, some, a woman's desirability based on who
she's
with, like.
No.
Okay.
I don't think, I, you know, that's a good question.
Do guys calculate a woman's desirability based on who she's with?
I think, well, some girls you see and you can just tell a lot of times.
Some girls, I think you see sometimes and it looks like a money type of thing.
Well, a lot of people assume that about me.
About you and Bobby?
Yeah, of course.
Like, that's the immediate assumption, which is, I think is really unfair
because I think
Bobby's really cute.
Like, I've always been into short, fat boys.
Like, that's my type.
Yeah.
Oh, Bobby's undeniably cute.
Bobby's probably.
Bobby, it's crazy.
Bobby, even Bobby versus a black baby, I'd pick Bobby.
And that's wild.
You don't, usually black baby wins.
Black baby's the cutest.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Paper rocks black baby.
Black baby wins every time, dude.
But you do paper Bobby black baby, dude.
Bobby, Bobby beats black baby sometimes, man.
So, I agree.
I think he's definitely that, he's that Tamagotchi.
He's one step past that Tamagotchi.
He's like the shitting Tamagotchi.
You know, he's like the, he's that living, he's like Dragon Ball Z, like five Zs,
you know,
like a sleeping Dragon Ball.
Yeah.
Do you watch anime?
I do watch a little bit of it.
I like to look at drawings a lot.
Oh, but you don't watch like anime like on Netflix?
I've seen a good bit of it.
When I was in college, I used to watch some of it.
Me and my friend used to watch some of it and I used to borrow a lot of his
clothes too.
I'm deep into this one.
I think you should watch.
What is it?
It's called Attack on Titan.
Attack on Titan?
Yeah.
Okay.
I think you should, but.
I'll watch it since you suggested it.
But yes, Bobby is a Tamagotchi.
Is that how you say it?
I used to say Tamagotchi.
Oh, really?
Tamagotchi?
Tamagotchi.
Tamagotchi is like a rich thing, I think.
It's like, oh, it's like, it's like, you know, it'll leave you in an instant,
dude,
if you don't make money.
Do you know that there's a cemetery specifically for Tamagotchis, apparently?
And it's in America.
It's like somewhere in Virginia.
Oh, wow.
Where people, where you can go and basically like lay your Tamagotchi to rest.
Yeah.
No, I didn't know that.
It's a pet cemetery.
Oh, I didn't even know that.
That's cool.
For like something digital.
Yeah.
I remember they had a bunch of, there you go right there.
Digital cemetery.
That's probably good for the environment.
Why not, dude?
I think Richmond can use anything it can get right now.
But that's such a good question.
Do I see a woman or a man?
Sometimes you think, I think once you get to know them, you can tell if it's
about love
or not, you know?
I think that kind of happens, you know?
I want to know what you thought when you first met me or even before you
thought.
I thought you guys met online.
I mean, for sure.
For sure.
That's what I thought.
And you were right.
We did because I lived in a, I lived an hour away from here.
I was in Long Beach.
You were?
Yeah.
Okay.
So I thought, oh, they met, these people met online and I was happy for Bobby.
I want to know the worst thing you thought about me.
Oh, I don't think it was.
I never thought nothing bad.
Like, what would I even think that could be bad?
Like, you got attacked by or something or you were in a fire or something?
I always, I always wonder, like, like, you know, when you try to, again, it's a
calculation
thing, like, oh, she has to, she has to be really stupid or she has to be this
or she
has to have really bad breath or her, her pussy is made of, you know, has teeth
in it.
Like, I don't know, like, what dudes think, like, when they try to weigh out
why I would
be with my little munchkin.
Look, I, I mean, I love, Bobby's one of the best, you know, Bobby's one of the
best comedians
that I, he's one of the most, Bobby's one of the most entertaining man that I'd
ever
known.
So I could easily see why a woman would like him.
I like him.
I'm not even a woman.
So I could easily see if I was a woman, why wouldn't, why wouldn't I still like
him?
I would still like him.
I think I would not, I don't think I'd have sex with Bobby.
I would feel uncomfortable having sex with Bobby.
He reminds me of like, kind of like a, um, but that's me.
I'm also a man and he's neither one of us is a gay man.
So I think what I'm trying to say is that I didn't think anything bad of you at
all.
I thought, oh wow, Bobby met this girl probably online, you know, because he
doesn't go out
and do anything.
So that's the only reason I thought that I thought either that he must've met
her online
or he got like a, I don't want to say like a Postmates or something, but he got
a Postmates
and you showed up, you know, he got hella lucky off a burrito.
Like, that's what I was thinking.
And, uh, so that's all I thought.
And I, and then I just thought, oh, this is awesome.
You know, I'm glad that Bobby has somebody that's really cool.
And then it's also, I mean, you're just nice to look at.
You remind me of like the, if they met a female, female jungle book, who would
be in it?
You know, Mowgli.
Yeah.
If they had a fema