Name: Wolfed Out | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #337
Uploaded: 2021-04-29T08:09:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wolfed Out | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #337' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wolfed Out | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #337' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-29. Transcript available.

Wolfed Out | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #337

all right all rise i always wanted to be in court when they said that all rise
and see if i could have an erection when the judge said that
and just kind of laugh to myself um what's up you little skittle lickers i uh
i feel honored to be here with you today and happy day to you and um
i am i got a lot to share and i'm sure you do so we'll get into it i just
shaved
um you know i can't i'll be honest with you i can't shave with a shirt on i can't
do it
i see people you know and not in real time i don't watch men shave and i'm not
saying if there's nothing
wrong if you do i don't you know i've only ever seen men shave on a commercial
but i realized about myself i can't shave with a
shirt on i shave shirtless
i shaved shirtless and i think uh my dad shaved shirtless you know my dad
when i met my dad he was a senior citizen and he's he was damn
and that's as much citizen as you can get that's full citizen
and his body he had like a senior body he had that old body
you know he had his he had kind of
baby tits really baby he had white skin
because all the color i think had grown out of his skin
and he had a couple moles i think could have been nipples i don't know
he could have had moles or nipples
um
but i remember he would shave shirtless and i would see him do it and
and i thought you know what
he's doing that the right way
let's go
here we go with a little robert finley get it while you can
take it bobby
trying to love this woman
it's gonna break my back
if i'm working for a living don't
give me a heart attack
and you gotta take it when you can get it
get while you can
wrap it up in bacon
sugar in in a pan
if it don't come in the mail box
it may come in a moving band
well you got to take it when you can get it
come on bobby
and get it while you can
hey
i did not know
i did not know the dealer
i did not know the dealer
but i sure didn't know his daughter
but if i had no taste of y'all
i never would have caught her
you gotta take it when you can get it
come on
get it while you can
wrap it up in bacon
you gotta take it when you can get it
and get it when you can
you gotta take it when you can get it you gotta get it when you can
and he don't cut corners verbally
that's bobby finley right there
and uh
damn i can't get my damn
i got too much on i got a hat
hold on sorry i got a hat and
i got a hat and my specs
and my shades got a lot on
got a lot on here today and uh
i don't need those volume
enhancers the earphones right now
um
good to be here with you today
and
yeah you gotta take it while you can get it
you know and that's life life is a serving each day
you get a serving of life
then you can
you can accept it you can
try and digest it properly
you can reject it sometimes
you know sometimes i'll start i'll starve
i'll life will be right in front of me
but i will starve i will say
you know
i'm gonna be alive but i'm not really gonna
not really gonna accept this day
i'm not really gonna
take this bad boy on i'm not really gonna
have this as a meal today
and i'll do that a lot
i'll say no i ain't eating i ain't eating today life
i don't want any i don't need any
i'm off the clock today
um
what's going on i had a nice i know i'm late on this weekend i tried to do the
episode yesterday i
wasn't feeling good and uh and i couldn't do it i couldn't do i couldn't do it
so i didn't do it
i probably should have just went ahead and did it
but i wanted to try and be in a little bit better head space
um
oh i saw dustin the diamond poirier this past weekend he was in uh out here in
the central east he was doing a
meet and greet
and meeting people that love fighting and love watching people fight on
television and on
uh
illegally streamed
fight source pat you know wherever they watch fights so that was good man we
had a nice time went
out with him and his wife
and uh
you know it was funny man we went to a bar afterwards and
you know there was just a uh
couple people in there and they didn't know who dustin was they didn't know
about fighting
and so they're talking to him about i don't know tennis or something i just
and it just
man you can't be
you can't have the diamond right there
the champion baby you know that french champ you can't have him right there
and be talking about tennis
be talking about monopoly you can't be sitting in heaven and talking about hardies
and that's what these people were doing and it just made me laugh but
man we had a great time man we had so much fun his wife is so funny uh
we just had a good time man and you know we talked about life and a little bit
about
you know just what was going on in our lives and it was good to catch up and
and it was nice to be amongst friends um oh i'll tell you this um
you know uh i've told this story before that
there was a man when i was growing up there was a man named don big don
blankenstein and he was a pool man
and he'd come over and do the pool you know treat the pool and clean the pool
and
hell he used to even he'd get a little scoop and taste it make sure the kids
were
you know pissing well i guess i have no idea but um
you know and when i used to work on this farm in the summer
big don would roll over there and he was a big fella
you know he probably about 300 pounds and this is back when
this is back when 300 400 pounds would kill you now people could go six 700
pounds
and it's not really killing them out of the gate
but back then it was three you go three four hundred
you know that would kind of kill you but now with modern medicine people can go
up to 600
and they're alive for at least a couple months or years like that
you know they're not going to see many wrestlemanias but they'll see a couple
but uh but big don came one one summer i was back there working on this farm
and the people i worked
for had a pool and and this man comes in the gate and he's real thin real lean
fella
you know just like like a
just look like a just a regular fella like a librarian man
so you know what i'm talking about kind of a little bit of glasses maybe
you know had hands like workers hands though like you've been
like you've been turning the pages of books but heavy books you know real heavy
paper
i'm talking 300 pound test paper
and uh
and i said who's this man you know i didn't know who this man was looking at
the pool i'd only seen big don
and so my thought was that you know big don had passed on that weight he his
his life had caved
in under that weight and that weighted one you know um
but the but but the truth was that big don had lost the weight he got the
stomach surgery
where they staple your stomach directly the ass you know so whatever you eat
comes i mean it's
i mean damn some things you eat them they come out cleaner out the back you
know your body will
just wash it out whatever it is you have four carrots and bitches is cleaned
out
you know you eat a dirty squash and damn next thing you know you clean squashing
you know right
out there in your underpants you got full freshly clean squashes in your unders
and that was big don had that capability i felt like you know that maybe he got
that surgery and i
didn't know that big don had got the surgery but he got it and so this man's
wandering around the pool and
and i didn't realize it was him he's talking to me like we're friends you know
because me and don are
friends and suddenly i'm like holy damn that's don damn that's don
and uh and it was man he got the surgery and he was he was just a new man you
know he was just
different he was he was different but anyway i tell you that story because the
other night
i'm out with the diamond and i'm out with his wife and we're out and about and
there was a guy who had had the surgery he'd had the uh you know the d fatner
whatever it's called i
don't know what it's called where they d where they just you know you show up
his meal and freaking
leave out his veal you know they freaking they clean you down they wash you or
wash me down they clean
you down baby and um and big don had had it and so anyway there's this guy at
the bar and he had had
it i guess but he had this he like kind of moved his arm he was still moved
like he was four or 500
pounds but he was about 210 pounds now and he still he would kind of put his
hands out on his stomach
look like he had ghost belly you know what i'm talking about where somebody
just like he had just
he would stay he was still kind of like down by the river you know but he was a
lean man it just
so it was just funny how you can have things from the past that will still
take shape in your life you know
that was interesting to me just how you could have things from the past that
will still
like still rule the way you behave even if they're gone
i mean so much so this man was walking to the crowd saying excuse me excuse me
sorry
anybody i know where i can get a uh you know a triple xl shirt just saying old
just having flashbacks of fat and of that weight and of that extra
and it was just interesting to watch it was like it's funny even though we
change
sometimes some of the things we just still hold on to you know and um
and god bless big don and god bless anybody that's on that journey
you know that's trying to get rid of something whether it be something
apart some of their body or some of their brain or some of their
just something trying to let go of a memory or of a
of a of a piece of an appendix
you know we all got some kind of appendixes sometimes and sometimes they're
in our body sometimes they're in our brain sometimes they're
you know they come in all types
they come in all types man um both of those stories like about
you know how we take on life and how we accept it each day
and if i choose to live it and and now how i have things in my life that
you know like uh how i carry extra baggage extra weight
whether it's in my body or in my brain we all have
some type of gristle that's running on us
and um and it can gum up the works you know and i've seen
i mean i've seen the happiest people in the world you know have big body types
and then i've seen the
the unhappiest people in the world have lean body you'll see a skeleton and
that thing will be damn miserable
you know um and i've always wished they had real real real mannequins
every mannequin you see looks like you can't find a shirt that fits anybody
because a mannequin he you know
they just they don't where i want to i want to see that mannequin with that
hunchback you know
who was in a mowing accident you know who was doing a push mower and got hit by
a damn meteorite
you know on a downhill and so they're not doing well you know
they got that 710 split around the l5s1 you know they got that damn
they got that s curve on the spine you know they're not doing super great i
want to see that mannequin
or that beer belly mannequin where is that guy
you know or where's that mannequin with that shoulder mole you know what i'm
saying and he got that
damn you know that baby button sometimes if you have somebody shirtless in your
family around a baby
and that person have a big mole on them the baby will hit it you know that was
easy you know what
i'm saying the baby will just that's that baby button maybe a decent mole so
but anyway i want
to tell you about an experience that i had man um a new type of therapy that i
just went and tried
but first i'm gonna tell you that uh that two out of three men and this could
be adult men or young
even child men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they are 35 jesus
jesus
i mean god that's a bait and switch isn't it they give you hair and they take
it away baby
they take it away you'll see somebody 36 years old just cornrowing some of
their skin or just
i saw i saw a brother the other of the day he'd drawn some cornrows on his head
bald-headed guy
you'll know or sometimes you'll see a brother he'll have this he didn't even
get real hair put in
his hair he got some damn yarn i saw a guy the other day had two he looked like
uh just like a dark
raggedy andy you know that choco raggedy andy he just lik