Name: Check Ball | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #338
Uploaded: 2021-05-05T13:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Check Ball | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #338' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Check Ball | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #338' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-05. Transcript available.

Check Ball | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #338

You know, this doesn't have to be perfect, you know.
That's what I'm thinking about right now.
This doesn't have to be perfect.
Oh, isn't that a nice thing to say?
This doesn't have to be perfect.
I got to remember that.
What it is, what it ain't, does the baby need a spank?
That used to be a little limerick.
And a limerick is basically a little Irish poem or something, little Irish.
It's basically the Irish, you can't really, a lot of times you can't even
understand them.
So, people were so happy when they finally heard something out of the Irish
that they could
understood, they gave it a dang name, limerick.
And anyway, that's a little Irish limerick, what it is, what it ain't.
Does the baby need a spank?
Have me a couple Advil right now.
With that liquid death, I don't know if you've ever had Advil or not, but I
have them.
You know, I Advil to everything I do, man.
Hell, I wish I made a damn suppository.
You know, when I was young, there was a thing called, um, Vajipin, this, and I
hate to get crude and be a naughty boy out here early.
But when I was young, they had a thing called Vajipin.
And that was traveling through the South right around the time that, um, you
know, uh, what was it called?
Jinkum.
And jinkum was an old deal where they would put, you know, man, this is, sorry,
it's a little profane, but they put, uh, animal fessies and stuff like that.
Booty, you know, animal, you know, booty work into a jug and they would let it
roast in the sun and they would put a balloon on the top of the bottle.
And human fessies as well in urine or urine, they call it up in Michigan, up in
the, uh, up in the UP.
But they would, uh, put that in a jug, like a two liter bottle, get you a seven
up D or, uh, you know, uh, diet Dr. Pepper, big daddy, you know, one of them
two liters.
And, um, and they would, you put a balloon on top and they would let the, the,
the waste in there fester and the gas from it, put it in the yard.
Somebody's yard could be your yard.
It was embarrassing to put it in your yard.
So people put it in somebody's yard, you know, maybe an old person who's not
going to see it.
A lot of time you do that kind of shit.
You know, if you got something messed up, you put it in an old person's yard
for a little while.
Let people think they're doing it, you know, or something.
But, um, and the sun would hit it, it would fill the balloon with gas.
And that gas was made out of, uh, fester and urine and, uh, fessies.
And then you would take that gas, you know, and you would huff it and people
would hit that jenkum.
It was called, uh, what was it?
Nickname.
Let me see.
Nicknames for jenkum.
Um, let me see right here.
Jenkum.
Uh, okay.
Jenkum, a highly hallucinogenic drug which results from huffing the fumes.
Woo, woo.
They're getting naughty out here on the interwebs, baby.
A highly hallucinogenic.
That means top of the line.
We're talking big daddy.
We're talking really if you, this is like damn setting your dick on a frog's
back, you know, for an hour kind of thing.
Highly hallucinogenic drug which results from huffing the fumes of your own
fermented feckle matter.
Users claim.
Users claim.
It gives an incredible rush.
That's what they call it right there.
Jenkum right there.
And here's an alternate title.
Getting a bottle, uh, and taping a balloon to the top and letting your piece
and turd ferment.
Man, we getting naughty out here.
Then removing the, uh, damn this shit.
Man, this stuff.
Here's an alternate definition.
Getting a, sorry man.
Getting a bottle and taping a balloon to the top.
Letting your pee, pee-pee, and turd ferment for a few days.
And I'm sorry, it's getting a little graphic.
For a few days, weeks even.
Then removing the balloon and inhaling that gas, baby.
Getting that, getting that huff, baby.
Getting that puff, puff, you know.
And they say it creates an awesome high.
It's an African drug.
In Africa, they could not afford drugs, it says.
So they invented Jenkum.
Woo, woo.
Uh.
And that's that Chardonnay, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
You wait a couple of weeks.
Man, you wait a couple of weeks.
That's that Chardonnay, bruh.
Heavy on the Chardonnay, bruh.
Um, anyway.
What I'm saying is I had some Advil.
And I have them a lot.
And if they made a suppository, I would have one.
You know, I'd put a damn thousand milligrams.
I'd hide it in that back jaw.
Early in the morning, man.
So, if anybody's out there doing Jenkum or doing whatever, man, I hope that you're
not riding it too hard today.
A hallucinogenic drug made out of the collected fumes of fermented feces and
urine.
Uh.
Leave it in the sun for a few days.
That huff, mcgruff.
That pooter juice is a nickname.
And another nickname for some reason is Terrence and Phillip.
So, I don't know what that means.
Maybe that could have been some gay men that was doing, being wild outdoors.
So, I'm not sure.
Not sure about that.
Not sure what God wants on that.
Um.
Welcome to the episode.
Let's get into it.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found. I can
feel it in my bones. But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that
parking brake and let myself on.
Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me. And I
will find a song. I will sing it just for you.
And there you go. And that's Shine by Bishop Gunn. And that's that ordinary
connection piece right there for us.
That's that mild tightrope between souls. People have heard it before. They
hear it again.
And that is familiarity.
You know, I like familiarity.
Familiarity.
It sounds familiarity.
It sounds like a drug for a baby.
You know, this baby, he...
Honestly, man, we caught him smoking.
You know, we caught him looking at other babies' tits.
You know, we caught him...
So we had to put him on a couple doses of familiarity.
And he's...
Hopefully he'll be better.
We don't know.
You know, his brother ended up in jail.
So who knows, but...
Familiarity.
I like familiarity.
I like being in places that make me feel comfortable.
I like...
You know, sometimes I remember when I was young, I would get in the Christmas
boxes, you know?
And if somebody got a gift, the second they got it out, I'd be in that bastard.
Somebody got a little toaster, you know?
Somebody got a little toaster, I'd be in that bitch.
You know, somebody got a little, uh...
Capital Grayskull or something set, toy box thing, I'd be...
You'd see me in there.
Like a cat.
And I like that.
I just like being in a little closed space, kind of.
I'm that womb hunter, you know?
I'm always looking to skirt back.
I'm always looking for an umbilical cord just hanging anywhere.
I'll climb right back up that...
I don't care who's running womb, baby.
I don't care how far, Zan, I gotta climb, baby.
Oh!
I will swing into that bastard.
I like that attic.
I always like that closed space.
I like that tightness, that little domicile, they call it.
I like being in a little capsule.
Hell, I'll probably enjoy being dead, honestly.
You know, I'll miss you guys, but I will be...
I will enjoy it because I want...
In that coffin, baby, I'm getting that bitch tight.
Sometimes you see people with these big bodies, you know?
Sometimes you'll see a brother or something be buried in that big body.
Not me.
I want that coffin.
I want that thing to be damn a foot and a half wide, baby, 18 inches, you know?
I want that thing right at six feet, man.
And honestly, man, they could bend my legs a little, make that bitch at five
and a half feet.
I want that tight.
I want that easy.
I want something that could, you know, you could mistake it for a damn bunch of
roses, you know, delivered by somebody, by a company.
Like, damn, is that somebody burying a box of roses?
That's what I want that...
Because I like the tightness.
I like that close knit.
I like that.
And I don't wear too big of a shirt.
I don't wear too much of a large shirt either.
You'll see me in, you know, in a semi-large, really, which I wish there was a
size that they made.
I like that lean large, you know?
Man, there was something I was going to tell you that I forgot about.
Oh.
So for a while, man, I was doing drugs and I used to live with this man named
Kenny.
And they called him Two Cat Kenny because he had two cats.
And I would do drugs and shit.
And one night, he came and knocked on my door.
I was living in his apartment.
He lived there and I moved in.
And so I had my own room and I was excited, man.
I had me a little couch in there.
You know, it was a big room.
It was kind of, I could be in my bed or be in my couch.
Bitch, I'm all over.
You know, I had that kind of atmosphere in there.
And got me a little ice chest in the corner.
I put a couple little beverages in that bastard, you know?
I put me a couple of waters, a couple of fucking, oh, maybe, you know, maybe
diet sprites in that bitch.
You know, live it up.
I was doing it all.
And anyway, so sometimes one night, Kenny come in my room.
The first time he did it, he came in, he said, hey, hey, come out here.
And he would get high out there in the living room, I think, or he was on
something.
And if you've ever had a roommate that's on something, when they knock on your
door, on your room door, you know it's, anything could be behind, anything
could be going on.
They could need help.
They could be bleeding.
They could be missing.
You know, with some roommates that they're on some drugs, they'll knock and go
missing by the time you get to the damn door.
Like, damn.
This is some real, this is some real shit right here.
This person, they really, they just can't even find themselves right now.
So, anyway, I came in the door and Kenny been out in the living room, he
stacked a bunch of boxes out there, big pyramid of boxes.
You know, that Egyptian shape.
And he put that thing, we had a high ceiling living room.
High ceiling living room.
And he'd invited this lady over from next door, this lady Martha was her name,
and she always got stoned.
And she, I mean, she was, she wasn't shit, honestly.
And I hate to say that, and I hope she's better now.
But at the time, she was just, she wasn't really shit, man.
You know?
She wasn't, she just wasn't, man, I just, I shouldn't say that.
She was shit, she was, she was awesome.
She was awesome, but I didn't see that side of her.
And, and anyway, so him and Martha's out there huffing, doing something.
I don't think they's huffing paint, doing a keyboard clean or some kind of shit.
But they got the cats on these boxes, on these pyramid of boxes.
And Kenny's like, man, you'll never guess what's in the top, man.
And he had his little cat up there, Buckeye was his name.
You know, because he had a real, he had like kind of, kind of gold hair around
his asshole.
Honestly, butthole, b-hole, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
B-hole.
In case any moms are driving their kids to school right now, bought a B-hole.
And they call him Buckeye.
And, and he had no tail on him.
I mean, his tail had been trimmed all the way straight to the spine.
So you saw just, you was getting full hole on that cat.
You know, you was getting ultimate hole.
You know, that's you hole.
Because there's B-hole and then there's U-hole, bro.
And that's when you just, God, you just hope for better, you know.
But anyway, so what happened was, Buckeye had gotten somehow into the box on
the top of the damn thing, bro.
Top of that pyramid.
And they're out there on that keyboard cleaner, you know.
And they'd been huffing that and doing a little, you know, doing a little bit
of weed or uppers or downers or something, side splitters.
I don't know what they were on, but they were bent out.
And I knew when I opened that door.
He's sitting there.
Martha's there.
And they're just fucking watching that cat up there in that big box in that
pyramid, man.
And I knew I had to get out of there.
That's what I knew at that time, baby.
Amen.
And I want to le