Name: Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #339
Uploaded: 2021-05-12T23:51:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #339' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #339' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-12. Transcript available.

Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #339

I got tickets going on sale right now and they're at theovon.com/tour and that's
St.
Louis, Cincinnati, Charlotte, Durham, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Wilmington, Wilkes
Bar, and some
other places, Charleston, Richmond, Albany, Buffalo, Columbus, and Minneapolis.
Today's guest is returning to the podcast.
She's a very entertaining comedian.
She has a new tour that she's embarking out on.
She's also the host of the upcoming MTV Movie and TV Awards.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki Glaser.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
I'll sit and tell you our stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I've been singing just for you.
Now I've been moving way too long.
Yeah, it's good over there.
It's just like sometimes you have to…
I don't know what it's like.
I like your shit.
You do?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I get a lot of compliments on these.
They're not real snake skin.
You shouldn't even wear fake stuff.
I'm vegan.
Because if you make it look good, then people are like, I want that.
You know?
If you make fake look good, then you're hurting the animals.
No, I don't.
I think that seems crazy.
But do you think vegan?
Can you eat snake or not?
No, no.
You can't eat…
People always forget that vegan is like everything.
Like, I eat honey.
If something…
Honey's in something, I'll go, okay, fine.
But a lot of vegans won't eat honey because it exploits bees.
No way.
I…
But bees want us to have it because also, when you think about all the stuff
that bees do
to us and all the…
What have bees done to us?
We're getting revenge, you're saying?
All the child…
Dude, you know how many of Summers of mine were ruined because bees?
No, they weren't.
They were ruined because of your perception of bees as being like, people are
so scared
of bees.
Their sting doesn't hurt that bad.
You might…
If you're allergic, yes, I understand.
But like, we were so annoyed with bees, we killed them all.
And now our whole planet is collapsing because there's no bees.
Oh, dang.
I didn't know that.
But what were your run-ins with bees as a kid?
It's like, let's get your top three bee incidents.
Well, the big one was always…
They ruined your childhood.
At summer camp, they always had bees there for some reason, you know?
And so we'd go there to this place called Bogafalaya Park.
And it was just like, all the kids would come and it was like a bunch of this
ratchet kids.
And like, we'd all have our lunchbox and like our Kool-Aid would like spill
over on our
sandwiches.
And it was so gross.
It was like YMCA summer camp, you know?
Yeah.
And some kids would leave during the day and just wander off into the woods and
disappear.
And like, it was just…
But I remember at certain areas, they just had so many bees.
They're like, I want to say tens of thousands of bees.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And…
But you guys were events canceled because of bees.
Oh, I would say events.
I would say kickball games ended early.
No way.
I would say lunch has ended early.
No way.
One kid, a bee went up his nose.
Okay.
And that was horrible.
And they had to get…
This was before that.
I think they had the EpiPens or whatever.
Oh, so this kid was allergic too?
Yeah.
Or I don't know if he was allergic, but he was one of those kids who their skin
was real
clear looking, you know?
Yeah.
Like one of those kind of premature baby kind of…
Translucent.
Yeah.
That trans kid.
Or lucent kid.
I don't know what they call them.
Yeah, I think they're called lucents.
Yeah, one of those lucents, dude.
So they got…
Yeah.
Yeah.
But some kids were never the same, I feel like, after that.
After a strong bee came through.
Oh, people were…
People were so scared of bees.
And I thought it was just a way that girls…
Initially…
I was never really scared of bees.
I was just like, okay, if they sing you, it kind of hurts.
But I think being scared of bugs is kind of like a thing girls do to like, get
attention
and like be let…
Not just necessarily from boys, but just they're not being seen enough in their
families.
So they're just like, if I scream really loud about this thing that's around a
lot,
then I'll get attention.
And it's my thing.
Like girls that are like, I hate moist.
Like that's a hack one.
But people looking for…
I hate moist?
The word moist.
Right.
You know, when girls are like, oh my God, don't say it.
And you're just like, you need an identity beyond like these things that you
think are
unique, but yet we all kind of are on board with.
Yeah.
A lot of people say those types of things.
I mean, but we're all searching for an identity.
I mean, your haircut is like a part of like that haircut.
I remember when you first brought out, I thought it was for a role or something.
And now it's you.
And it's like, and it's such a look that you've inspired people to adopt it.
It's now like a hot guy haircut.
But when you first debuted it, wasn't.
Really?
Theo, I remember you walking backstage at some show.
I think we were at some, one of Amy's tapings or something.
God.
And you came backstage.
And I…
Sound handsome.
I laughed at your haircut.
I thought it was a joke.
Oh my God.
I thought you were trying to joke us.
Really?
Yeah, I did.
I'm being honest with you.
But I thought, but I also was like, it looks good.
You know, like the type of way, like on Halloween, people still look good.
Yeah.
But then you kept your Halloween costume on it.
And I was like, and now it's still here.
And that was probably six years ago.
Oh yeah.
How long has it been?
Five years ago?
Well, I had long hair too when I was a kid.
And I just liked, I never felt, I never knew I was supposed to have long hair
as an adult
until I just had it.
You didn't know you weren't supposed to?
I never knew that I was supposed to.
Oh, oh.
You mean like you found your truth.
Like this is who you are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just never felt, I just like feel more like a man.
I feel more like a courageous man.
I feel like more like somebody that would run into a fire to help somebody.
Yeah.
Or not run all the way in.
I would run close to the fire and, you know, people would be like, oh, he's
going to stop.
I'd run up the stairs, onto the porch.
Okay.
Because fire is so hot.
People like, in movies, they make it look like it's not that hot.
Dude, fire is so hot.
It's so, what's the worst you've been burned?
Like, have you gotten like what degree?
Let me think.
Probably three.
Have you had some bad burns?
Oh yeah, dude.
I went whale, or not whale watching, but looking for something once.
Uh, and I got sunburned so bad, dude.
You can't go from whale watching to looking for your keys.
Like, what were you doing?
We were looking for the Lord, honey.
We were looking for the Lord.
Yeah, so you got sunburned real bad.
Yeah, I think we were doing drugs or something, and they ended up out in the
sun for way too
long, you know, and my friend kept dozing off.
We ended up at this Elton John concert, and he was on opioids, and he literally
kept dozing
off, dude.
And one time we thought he was dead, but we were so much that we kept laughing.
Like, nobody would check to see if he was dead.
It was kind of like a, not like freeze tag, but some like weird game.
You know, it was like a kid's game, you know?
And, um...
So you thought he was dead.
Some of you were scared by it, but mostly it was just like, like, that's
hilarious.
Everybody was just laughing.
It was just one of those days where you're like, ugh, you know, Sean's dead.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
I, um...
But I guess, yeah, I think things like that.
Bees, sunshine, things like that, I guess, yeah.
I'm terrified of the sun.
A lot of it's dangerous.
I don't go in at the sun.
I've been, I've known that aging as a woman is a bad thing, so I haven't been
going in
the sun since I was in high school.
I used to always sunbathe, and I used to cover my face in decolletage with a
towel when I
was like 15.
Oh, wow.
Just to be like, I don't want to be wrinkly when I'm older.
I even knew at a young age when you're supposed to think you're young forever,
like, plan
ahead.
And the truth is, it's like, you can't really stop it.
It's just going to happen.
It's hard.
But I think, yeah, I think I'm starting to realize, even just growing up, that
it's
hard to get, it's hard to get older.
It's a little tough, you know?
It's like, it's kind of, uh, it's just so, it makes me, I often realize how
much time
I probably wasted.
Whereas, like, time used to be this thing, it'd be like, sure, have some of my
time, you
know?
Yeah.
It'd be like, I've got as much time, you know?
Who wants some of my time?
You know, you used to have so much time, it's like, you're running around with
this
big bag of time.
And then now, it's like, ugh, you know?
Oh, I don't have a second to spare, you know?
And-
It's like time, it's just-
You're right.
I mean, like, you watch any of those things about the tech companies that are
trying to
create things that take our time.
Like, our time is the only thing we can't get back.
Yeah.
So it's like, they really just want our, our attention.
And like, what, what you give attention to, but I feel like getting older and
realizing,
oh, the things I've wasted my time on have not really, that kind of being like,
God, I
wasted so much time, doesn't help me not waste time now, because I'm not just
finding new
ways to waste it.
But you know what I do now?
Like, when I find, like, what's something you wasted your time on that you can
think about
in the past that you go-
Masturbation, probably.
Listen, I don't think that's a waste of time.
I think it is.
It's fucking awesome.
What?
It's awesome, but you get the hang of it, and then it's kind of like-
It feels good.
You wanted to feel good.
Yeah.
You needed it.
Like, I feel like, anytime I indulge in something-
But it's like, am I still doing, you know?
It's like, when you do it again, you're like, ah, it tricked me again.
Where do you want to be right now that doing too much masturbating didn't get
you to where
you want to be?
Like, you are where you, you know, like, no regrets.
Feel like everything that you've done up to me.
I don't think I'm where I am because I've been masturbating.
I think I could have probably done other stuff and probably done it well.
When you think how many trades you could have learned-
Okay, so what trade do you want to know that you would take some of your
masturbation time?
Oh, landscaping, something outdoors, you know?
Painting.
But now's the time for that.
When your libido falls, back then, you weren't going to go landscaping if you
wanted to jerk
off.
There's just no way.
If I didn't have a libido, I think I would have done a lot of stuff.
I would have done-
You will someday lose it, probably, you know?
And then that's when you get into, like-
But not these days.
Cribbage.
No, no.
No, not these days.
These days, you get the fake, the men now, they get the, you get a fake, you
know, they
have all these enhancers and everything.
They have all of this.
It's like-
Oh, yeah.
They're going to have, you're basically just going to have, like, 80-year-old
zombies wandering
around.
But it doesn't, it gets your dick hard, but it doesn't get your, like, heart
hard.
So, like, guys, not heart, or, like, your brain hard, you know?
So, guys will take it to fuck their wives, if their wives, if they-
If their wives want to make them do it.
But they're not, they're not propelled by sex with women.
So, therefore, you're not having to, like, feed this addiction, which is, like,
the porn,
like, jerking off is really just, like, a porn addiction.
And just, like, oh, feel good.
I don't want to feel my feelings.
Feel, it's the easiest way.
Yeah.
It's just one choice.
But when you don't have a libido, later on, you're just going to put that
obsession
into, like, woodworking or whatever.
Or, you know, canoeing or whale watching.
Yeah, it would have just been nice to have pictures of myself, like, in a canoe
or with,
like, a nice statue I'd done or something when I was younger, you know?
You didn't do any, you have no accomplishments when you're younger.
You weren't, like, an Eagle Sc