Name: Close Frisbee | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #342
Uploaded: 2021-05-26T15:12:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Close Frisbee | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #342' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Close Frisbee | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #342' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-26. Transcript available.

Close Frisbee | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #342

all right check baby i'm trying to get wet man
that's one thing you know i'm trying to get wet i noticed i'm trying in the
summer i'm trying to
get wet and that was always a key deal for me as a child you know we had a
fellow that lived down
the street from us a little fella named boogie you know and uh he was mixed man
a little black
white i mean his daddy was white and his they pretended his mom was his mom was
well his daddy
knocked up the woman that swept out the school bus his daddy was our bus driver
big milford and he
didn't you know he didn't know a lot of the letters of the alphabet and you'd
sometimes you'd surprise him you'd show him on a thing you know q r st and he
didn't
he just couldn't stand he don't he would kind of shut down he just couldn't
handle it
you know he'd never been uh
you know he'd never been educationally succumbed to the truth
and anyway but he drove the school bus and he eventually got laid off for uh
driving shirtless
and driving uh under the influence of alcohol and running the bus and hitting
um stuff with the bus
trees and other stuff that you just can't do if you have children on board you
know and uh anyway but
so what happened he uh he knocked up a lady that swept out the school bus
and um this was a black woman and he knocked her up and so they had a child but
they pretended that
the child was with him and his regular white wife so it was just
you know it was just a real ferris wheel of
of sex and secrets and
and school busery type shit
you know praise god baby
let's get into it
this is matthew cosiol
runs in the family
it's out of my hands and in my blood
it's red in a ledger and i can't pay up
blessed by the wicked washed in the mud
can't save my souls with the valley flood
i wear the cloth that i'm cut from
let's go
it's just a matter of time
there ain't no stopping the setting sun
come on
i can't watch the scene from the hairs that made me
can't outrun what runs in the family
runs in the family
there you go
right there
that's matthew cosiol
runs in the family
and we out here baby
i'm out here like a damn uh
like a dolphin in a damn uh
at a gay spa baby
we out here
you know and i want to say shout out to everybody that's gay
and that's being
you know or
you know considering being gay man
you guys are doing great and
um
you know
and i will comment as well one time
and i may have shared this to one of the
more
one of the more kind of uh
homoerotic type of
atmospheres i've ever seen
i saw
you know a group of gay men
throwing a frisbee
together in a
um
hot tub
and they were so close together
they couldn't even
you couldn't
i mean there wasn't
one of the guys
two of the guys was too close together
to even throw it
they had to
he basically had to like
put his arm straight
and then hand it to the other
hand it to the guy basically
so it was like
and i i don't know
i don't know honestly what that was about
or what i'm really
saying there
but i just
and i love hampton inn man
god i love hampton inn man
i just
you know i love the
they redid them
about
i want to say
12 years ago
and they put these kind of
black and white pictures
on the inside of the
elevator doors
that are kind of
welcoming
and there's like a child
on a swing or something
and
you know there's a little baby
eating a damn egg
or something
and it just
makes you feel good
and you know hampton inn
they got a
they have a
concierge breakfast
downstairs
and concierge breakfast
is basically
i think it was
i don't know when it started
but
the whole thing started
with uh
during war times
they would
somebody had to get up
and make the breakfast
of the
colonel
and they would make it quick
it would be just kind of
you know
so he could dine
and then dash
and hit the field
and that was
concierge breakfast
but uh
i don't know what war
it could have been
a lot of wars
i'm sure it wasn't
one war
and i don't know why
hampton inn
took on a damn
war
you know
why they adapted
some of their
feeding styles
from war
seems really
kind of next level
to me
but
you know
god does what
he does
and um
what else man
uh
i don't even know
what i'm talking about
exactly
uh
had some family
come in town
this weekend
we had a nice
time
we
i went skeet
shooting
you know
i'm out here
in the central east
and
there's not
you know
there's a lot of
people shoot
stuff around here
and
it's not
usually
other people
you know
in big city
people like to
shoot kind of
other people
and
in more
rural areas
they like to
shoot stuff
and so
out here
we went to
some skeet
shooting
and uh
and it was
fun man
i'd never done it
you know
they loaded up
a shotgun
i'm out there
um
we went out
to kid rock's
house actually
and he got
i mean
he lives in a
beautiful
trailer
really
it's a
it's a
trailer like
you know
like you see
the style
they got
you know
it's nice
though
they have a
nice
i think they
have two
couches in
it
um
but off the
back
they have
this little
man-made
kind of
lake
and he
had a
skeet
firer
right off
the back
and
so
we're out
there man
and uh
and people
showed me
how to
shoot skeet
and next
thing you
know i'm
out there
just elmer
fudding on
them
mitches
and i'm
upstairs baby
if you want
to know
where i'm
at on the
winner's
bracket
i'm
upstairs
okay
i'm
upstairs
but that
was enjoyable
what else
um
i got
some dang
azaleas
uh
and
that's
it's
interesting
as a man
something's
going on
with you
as a
man
when you
buy a
few azaleas
i'm
noticing
you know
and i
don't know
what's
happening
i mean
it's
you know
i just
i got
i just
i bought
14 of
them
and
you know
they just
there's
space
i have a
yard
and so
i have
to
there's
got to
be
something
in it
you can't
just have
a damn
stale
yard
and there's
nothing
out there
and i've
thought about
getting two
goats
but they
don't
uh
some of
the websites
i'm reading
about goats
says they're
really loud
so i
don't know
if i want
to deal
with the
noise
complaints
and having
cops come
back there
and then
they see
you know
it's me
and i'm
just living
by myself
and i have
14 azaleas
and two
goats
i mean
damn
you know
i just
don't know
if that's
kind of
the kind
of stuff
that i
want
uh
but yeah
that was
good man
so that's
you know
that's what
happened
this week
i'm trying
to think
of what
else is
going on
not much
man i'm
just growing
up you
know
i've been
realizing that
i'm growing
up and
honestly
sometimes man
i'm growing
a little bit
lonesome
you know
i grow a
little bit
lonesome
it's like
i'm
i'm at
home sometimes
and there's
nobody there
you know
and i'm
not complaining
i'm not
oh
woe is
me you
know
like
i'm just
thinking
about
it
you know
when it's
titty time
of year
you know
that
this is
when the
calendar
breaks out
them boingos
baby
them front
bags
you know
what i'm
saying
them
freaking
sternum
werthers
baby
you know
what i'm
saying
them
big
caramels
them
nippled
huskies
you feel
me
tit
time
baby
this
is
tit
time
because
it's
summer
so
this
is
when
it's
a
good
time
to
get
out
there
and
meet
somebody
so
we'll
see
because
yeah
i start
thinking
about
that
next
chapter
of
my
life
and
what
it
would
be
like
you know
and get
me
a little
offspring
and get
me
a damn
you know
get a
little
bird
or something
or get
a damn
you know
get me
a couple
living
items
so when
i come
home
something
yells
or barks
or shits
or something
you know
i started
thinking about
it
because one
thing i
realized is
the pattern
that i'm
in it
just gets
old after
a while
it's not
bad
but it
just kind
of
you start
looking
you know
you wonder
what else
is there
something
else
and it's
not to be
found i don't
think in like
worldly things
like in
a vacation
or a
you know
buy you some
speakers for the
car you know
get you a
couple 22s
or something
you know
it's not um
it's not the
kind of thing
that's
you can solve
by getting
14 azaleas
you know
and
i think
it's figuring
out how to
be in a
relationship
and get
into some
real love
where i
can
you know
get a
little baby
out of
somebody
out of
some woman's
body
and be
like that
because it
also starts
getting weird
when like
all your
friends have
children that
are old
they're getting
like older
and you're
it's like
it gets a
little you're
like who's
that you know
you just don't
at a certain
point you
there's nobody
left there's
the
you know
there's not
as many
people to
even call
or do
as much
with in
some ways
because
everybody's
moved on
or adapted
into different
realms of
life
so
you know
i think
i've been
thinking about
that some
and then
i started
thinking about
what it's
going to
take for
me to
get to
a place
like that
to get
to be
able to
be
you know
in a
serious
relationship
where i'm
going to
stay in
it and
be honest
and
you know
not be
you know
running around
or trying
to
play
close
frisbee
with some
woman
some
strange
woman
at a
hampton
inn
you know
what i'm
saying
because
close
frisbee
is obviously
a gateway
drug i feel
like possibly
to homosexuality
praise god
man and shout
out everybody
that's gay
i think gay
pride is
coming up
actually
i saw a
woman yesterday
she had
a haircut
and
she said
something
about gay
pride
she said
so
yeah july
looks like
well hell
i don't
know
uh
march
i don't
know
but
that's
something
that's
going on
something
else
that's
going on
i'm
drinking
liquid
death
and you
know
it's
a great
it's
a good
drink
people
think
it's
a beer
you see
a child
drinking
it
outside
of a
damn
7-11
and
you see
the cops
pull up
and tase
him
you know
and then
they go
over
and it's
just
water
you know
tough
kid
thank
god
i want to
tell you
this
i got
tour
dates
and uh
i'm getting
excited i'm
working on
some new
material so
this is
going to
be
this is
going to
be a
joy man
it's
going to
be starting
in st
louis
friday
september
17th
that show
that show
sold out
and we've
added
one
on the
17th
then we
go to
cincinnati
on the
18th
and that
looks like
it's sold
out
we may
be adding
another one
there
we have
charlotte
then
durham
we added
a new
show in
durham
chattanooga
knoxville
tennessee
wilmington
delaware
wilkes
buyer
pa
minneapolis
minnesota
i'm grateful
to be coming
back there
that one
sold out
we added
a new
one
charleston
south carolina
richmond
virginia
baltimore
black
maine
they call
it
albany
sold out
we added
one
buffalo
and columbus
ohio
that's sold
out
and we
we have
added
one
if not
if it
doesn't
show
added
it'll
show
it
this
week
so
thank you
guys
for the
support
you know
it's
interesting
i even
just look
at the
chattanooga
date
and
i remember
the night
after my
you know
i have a
comedy special
that's out
there on
netflix
and
after i
had done
the comedy
special
my first
shows were
in
chattanooga
and
so i'm
excited
you know
i'm thinking
this is it
we did
it
you know
i'm
on netflix
and we
did it
and uh
and we
made it
and i get
to the car
i get to
the venue
and
i want to
say i'd
gotten in a
night before
i don't
remember
but i get
over to
the venue
that day
and uh
i did
i got in
the night
before
because i
went to
radio in
the morning
and i
got over
to the
venue
and
and there
was probably
seven people
there
and i
was like
damn
he just
you know
the comedy
special
just didn't
move the
needle
they didn't
put it
in a
circulation
on the
site
and you
know
there was
some
uh
doxers
people that
came out
that kind
of stuff
but um
online
but it
just didn't
do it
and so
man that
was a
tough
weekend
because
and also
the stage
was really
high from
the audience
so the
audience
it was like
10 feet
down off
the stage
and he
almost
it was
almost
i felt
like they
were trapped
like i
was telling
jokes to
people that
were waiting
for fire
and rescue
it was like
you know
and then
you know
and uh
and uh
i'm upstairs
and i literally
was upstairs
i mean i was
like way
high up
compared to
these people
at one point
i wanted to
throw a rope
down
i just felt
very obtuse
you know
what was
going on
there
and um
so anyway
so i'm
excited about
all those dates
theovon.com
slash tour
you can get
tickets
because now
we're playing
at a theater
and i think
we already
have sold it
out maybe
almost
in chattanooga
and so
i mean it's
just a blessing
you know
it's a thousand
or something
people are
50 i