Name: Gravel On The Road | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #344
Uploaded: 2021-06-09T13:21:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gravel On The Road | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #344' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gravel On The Road | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #344' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-09. Transcript available.

Gravel On The Road | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #344

Oh, yeah, dude, I love those sounds that come out of your body that kind of
like, you know,
if you see like a, sometime I was sitting on a bench somewhere and I think I
was at a outlet mall.
And if you've never been to an outlet mall, it's basically where people, really
people that love each other unconditionally go to kind of waste money on shit
that doesn't fit.
You know, you'll see somebody with like a, you know, you'll see somebody with a
one shoe that they, it's like a size 10 and the other one's a nine.
But they don't, you know, they're not really, they don't care that much, I
guess, or they just, they're willing to deal with it for the price at $6, you
know.
You'll see somebody with a neck brace that says S. Day Lauder on it.
You know, people want things that have just big insignias on it.
You know, for $4, you'll pay somebody just to damn paint Levi's down your arm
or to, you know, you'll get, for 50 cents, Baskin Robbins will give you ice
cream and they just scoop it right into your hand.
You know, they just, it's like a halfway house for capitalism, basically.
You know, you'll see a damn Lacoste shirt over in the distance, over in the,
you know, in the parking lot shooting up in the car by himself.
He's over there just dousing up.
So, I don't even know what I was going to tell you guys, but I'm, I'm happy to
be here with you and I'm happy that I'm not at an outlet mall right now.
You know, when I was a child, we liked hitting that outlet mall.
You're on your way to the beach, you got $17 burning a hole in your pocket.
And you want about 30 items.
You could get a shirt that's made out of all collars.
There's no, you know, they messed up in China or somewhere.
And they just, damn, it's just full, it have collars on the arm.
So, your, your neck has a collar and both arms have a collar.
You're like, damn, this, this is a real professional shirt.
You know, you just, that's the kind of stuff you see.
You'll get a baby diaper there, sorts coins.
And they'll give you that for 58 cents, 67 cents, 77 cents.
It's just that kind of shit, you know.
You can get a soda for, for 60 cents, but there's no cup involved.
They just pour it into your mouth.
Drink as much as you can.
And they'll have a store say unlimited beverages.
We'll douse you up.
We'll douse your daddy up.
Yeah, it's a lot of sunburnt people.
A lot of non-Bitcoin owning type of people, I feel like.
Just regular people.
You know, a lot of people that have been involved in domestic disputes, but are,
but now they're going to the beach.
And on the way there, they stop and, and get a little dose of that come up.
You know that.
And I'll say this, man.
No shade to Britain.
I know you guys sending, um, whatever his name is, little Marky or whatever
that guy's name is, uh, Prince Harold.
Y'all sending his little ass over here with his trifling lady.
And we sent her over there.
Y'all send him back.
You know.
Apparently the current, the import-export business is just, just, we're just
all just sharing a bunch of fucktards, you know it.
And, uh, and I'll say this, man.
A biscuit will beat the hell out of a scone.
And you could put that on your great-granddaddy's damn doorstep, dude.
Unless y'all sold his home after he died.
No shade, baby.
Let's come up, baby.
Gang.
Gang.
This is Eddie 9V with The Come Up.
And that's 9V.
I'm on a come up.
Gang.
Feels real good after I've been so blue.
Mm-hmm.
I'm on a come up.
I'm on a come up.
It feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I just broke off with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love on you.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're on a come up.
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street when the mayor came and said to me,
You're on a come up.
You're on a come up.
And it's plain to see between you and me.
We got so much lovin' and chemistry.
It's found to come up.
It's been a come up.
Well, good things keep on comin'.
And there ain't gon' be no runnin'.
No, I'm on a come up.
It's found to come up.
Well, I just got home and now I'm back.
I got so many people askin' where I'm at.
I've been to Tennessee and Ohio.
Atascalosa women know I'm on a come up.
Yeah.
Mm-mm-mm.
Nothing really more to say.
Yeah.
He's on a come up.
Well, if you're askin' me what I really wanna do
Is just come right back, make love to you.
I'm on a come up.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
I'm on a come up.
I'm on a come up to you.
There you go, baby.
Come up.
Come up.
Come up.
Eddie Ninevolt.
Filling me.
Filling me, man.
Filling my cornucopia.
Remember that deal?
They taught you about it.
Back in elementary.
They taught you that cornucopia, man.
It was a damn little...
I don't know what the hell it was.
Get a basket.
You know, it was just a damn...
It didn't...
You know, it was just a greedy...
It looked like a damn oyster's little side piece or something.
I don't know what it was, man.
The cornucopias, and they fucking...
They stuffed them with carrots and all kind of shit.
And it just...
It was too much to...
I couldn't handle.
I didn't know what was going on.
It looked like a...
It looked like a sea...
Like a damn gay seashell or something.
Or a sexually curious, you know.
Or a bit curious, they call it.
It looked like a bit curious seashell.
Trying to have a salad or something at one time.
And that was cornucopias, man.
I'm gonna come up.
That's Eddie Ninevolt.
That is a good tune, isn't it?
And thank you guys for being here today.
We are here.
And that is the choice that we made, and I'm grateful for it.
What's going on, man?
A lot of little deals.
You know, you had the Floyd Merriweather and...
Logan Paul went at it.
And it really, it kind of had a...
I mean, Logan Paul come in.
He came in hella German on that fight when you're looking at him.
Real Swedish.
Very Viking.
Very like, damn.
This fellow owns an axe type of look.
You know, and...
I don't know.
You know, I don't know if I like watching...
Do I want to see millionaires fight each other?
I want the underdog in there.
I feel like.
And I guess, you know, Floyd has accusations of wife of, you know...
You know, he's 50 and 0.
Seven of his wins came against ex-wives.
Allegedly.
And so, you know, maybe that's what you want to see.
I don't know.
I was just wondering what made me want to...
You know, I was on the airplane, and there's no streaming on there.
So, you have to just guess what's happening.
Which is, you know...
It's like the old days, really.
You know, it used to be like, what happened?
Somebody would tell you they described it.
Oh, it was like...
And then the guy, and then...
He couldn't even...
I don't know, man.
It's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.
But then it's, you know, it just gets different.
You know, and now it's like there's just so much.
You get so many of the recaps and stuff.
But I'm on this plane.
I'm trying to get the thing to stream.
It wouldn't.
But about every 55 seconds, it would give me a glimpse.
Just a JPEG.
Just a...
Bam!
And...
Yeah, and so, you know, I had no idea what was happening.
It looked kind of like a couple of square dance.
Look, a couple of young men...
That had met somewhere and it was doing drugs.
And, you know, probably at a men's club, a nightclub.
Called Splash or Fade or Joy.
Boy, a lot of...
Usually the gay club in town has that, you know, kind of like...
It's never like Care Bear Ernie's Tug It Out Boys Shop or something.
You know, I wish they would go with a more vibrant name.
A lot of gay men, night, you know, drinking holes, water holes, bars.
But they don't, you know, they just kind of...
It's always like vibe or glisten.
Glisten is kind of a dicey when I feel like that's...
I don't know what they're doing in there.
But, yeah, we had...
I'm trying to think Spray was one.
You're like, that's...
That seemed like a tough bit.
But, yeah, I tried to watch it on the airplane.
I couldn't do it.
I could not get that thing to load up into function.
And so I just got a glimpse every now and then.
But that's what the one thing that's interesting.
The old days, you know, I feel like that's how storytelling really found it.
That's why storytelling had some value.
It had some limbs on it.
You know, it had some legs.
Because you had to tell a story.
What happened to Ronnie, you know?
Oh.
You know.
Ronnie got...
Ronnie got his ears pierced, man.
You're like, damn, really?
He's a...
You know, he's a father of four and he's in his 70s.
And the people are like, yeah, well...
You know, he likes boy bands, you know?
He got to...
They caught him in his truck crying in his truck with a O-Town poster.
And then...
And then he got him pierced, so...
But, yeah, just...
You had to tell a story.
Everybody had to.
Well, what happened?
Somebody...
You know, they...
Remember Paul Revere's, that fellow.
You know, the original drunk driver.
That dude's out there just...
Rolling across the Central East.
Just screaming.
Yelling.
You know, just...
But you had to hear...
You know, people used to have to tell the story.
There was a value to somebody coming into town.
Tell me what happened.
Oh, you were there.
Tell...
Share it with me.
It was different before we had all this mass communication.
We all had such a value, I feel like.
Because the story of the world...
And the story of...
Existence.
It was all...
It needed all of us.
And we still have it.
We still iterate it.
But there's not that moment-to-moment value...
In everyone.
Where you're like, oh, tell me what happened.
Oh, you got...
Oh, you're not...
Man, y'all aren't gonna believe what...
It's just, you know...
Now with so much videography.
It's just a different time.
But I don't know why I said that.
I guess I was just kind of thinking a little bit.
You know, what's going on?
I got a smoothie.
I'm back out here in the Central East.
You know, when I got me a smoothie and...
Oh, I took that first sip and...
It's one of the healthy ones, man.
And it, uh...
God, it just...
I wanted it.
It's a little too healthy.
You know?
It kind of tastes like I'm just...
Like I stuck a thing into a plant.
And I'm just sucking that big bitch off.
Like I'm just...
Just giving a...
Just really just giving that freaking...
That little baby hummer to a...
To a plant.
You know?
Like I'm just damn...
Taking down a damn...
A begonia or something.
Face fur.
You know?
I'm just...
Doing oral on a begonia.
This thing is just heavy.
I mean, it may have dirt in it.
I have...
That's the thing.
You go to some of the...
Smootheries and it's too healthy.
It's too...
It's just like...
Come on.
They just go too far with it.
You know?
It's just too...
They just like...
Some of it's just too healthy, man.
You know?
You know?
They have potting soil in it.
They'll have semen from Slovenia.
In it.
You're like, what?
You're just like, damn, man.
You got the kind of shit that make you suck off a bag of carrots after you have
it.
You know?
It's just...
Some of it's just getting too healthy.
I miss the original smoothies.
That thing was mostly sugar, dude.
And then they'd hit you with two scoops of protein powder.
And they'd have like the one dude in town.
He was like, oh, I work at GNC.
I'm eating meat right now in my head.
He would record himself eating meat with a video and then just play it back
while he was eating.
While he was also eating meat later.
You know, at night he would sleep next to an audio of him.
Just sounds of him eating meat.
Damn, these guys.
Got bacon brain, man.
What else is going on?
I went home to Louisiana.
You know?
And it was...
Unjoyous circumstances, really, man.
I had a childhood friend that passed away.
You know?
And he died of drugs and doing drugs.
And...
You know, it's kind of...
It's kind of wild when that happens.
And I know it's happening for a lot of people out there.
A lot of people struggling.
And a lot of people's friends and family struggling.
You know, I believe that there's some people that suffer from addiction.
And then there's some people who are somehow victims of, you know, these large
pharmaceutical corporations.
And they're just throwing pills and everything.
Y