Name: Biggie Smallsberg | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #347
Uploaded: 2021-06-30T16:44:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biggie Smallsberg | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #347' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biggie Smallsberg | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #347' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-30. Transcript available.

Biggie Smallsberg | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #347

all right baby boys and baby bats i'm that baby bat boy you know what i'm
saying i'll shit in
your yard son you feel me gang we out here we staying alive baby that's all
there is to it
we staying alive on the lord's blood drive son you know i'm that i'm that
freaking jampire dog
i'll suck that jelly bro right out your freaking nephew's neck you know this
you know what i'm
saying i'll get that she serves boy i'll suck that that preserves right out
your grandmother's
freaking spinal column boy you know l5s yum baby you feel me i'm getting it and
let's start this
podcast today baby i got that raspy voice and a lot of y'all already wet from
it baby a lot of y'all
already greased up down in that bottom knuckle baby you know what i'm saying
that wiener and a lot of
probably already sadly i mean not sadly it's okay and it's good if you are but
some of y'all
already probably dripping off that bag from daddy making y'all damp baby but
that's what it is
what it is what it ain't does the baby need a spank let's go
what it is what it is what it is what it is what it means you know it and i
know it
what it is what it is what it is what it is what it means you know it feels
real good after i've been so blue
you know it feels real good after i've been so blue
i'm gonna come up you know it feels so good to have a brand new view oh yeah
yeah
well i just broke off with my baby
now i can finally get the love on you
let's go
let's go
i just moved up to lucky street when the mayor came and said to me you're on
the comer
you're on the comer
and it's plain to see between you and me we got so much loving and chemistry it's
on the comer
well good things keep on coming and there ain't gonna be no running oh i'm on
the comer
well i just got home and now i'm back i got so many people talking where i'm at
now you go right there and you know exactly what it is baby and what it ain't
does the baby
does the baby need a spank that's eddie nine volt right there eddie nine v with
the come up
and i actually went to see them play the other night
over there and um
out in the central east i went and saw tried to see them
and i got there late because that's the kind of guy i am
you know
hell i'd be late to everything man
you know i climb in my own coffin late
there'll be people out there at my funeral
and i climb i'll show up like i'm sorry guys
you know traffic
you know where i was just you know my hair was wet
and then i'll get in there i i i climb a dang coffin everybody okay go on about
your thing
you know
uh have me a liquid death
i gotta keep that pole moist baby i gotta keep that um
i gotta keep my spout
uh
lavished up
because my throat
i was out in phoenix out there
the rally in the valley people are fired up out there about their hoops team
and they're playing hoops out there they got a lot of brothers out in the
desert and i think one white
and they're hooping the hell out of the damn ball out there
and uh
and that's it
and so everybody's fired up out there and
and i was out there
i was out there and uh
man it was
dude it was definitely
uh it was a it was it was a good time good time out there i stayed at a
like this kind of sober living place while i was there and it was
they had a guy like
one night they had somebody got in a motorcycle accident
and they came to the door like the police came
and uh
and i felt kind of bad because the day before we were all going to the gym
if you've never been to a sober living sometimes when you're there everybody
you get in a van and y'all all go somewhere together
because you just
that's who you are
you know it's like uh
it's like a daycare but for adults
that
are
that would sometimes rather probably have drugs than lunch
so if you're like lunchtime and somebody shot up
it's like that sort of
camaraderie that sort of club
style
style
and so um
so anyway we got there i got there and
uh
because i went to this therapy thing for a week to this like kind of
intensive therapy place because you know me bro
i got uh
i either have something i either got you know i'm always
put pressing the gas on that something's wrong with me pedal
you know
so i'm in that freaking hov lane bro something's wrong with everybody you know
what i'm saying
i'm bringing it's all aboard so anyway i met this sober living dude they got um
a god they had it's like you know it's regular people
if you ever been to one it's a real hodgepodge of america
it's kind of like a lost and found
but a couple more lost
it's lost heavy
and so i'm there you know i roll up and uh they got a dope is one guy 65 ish
you know
and whenever you ask him anything hey man what's going on he's like just being
just
just staying sober
just staying sober
what you doing is he would put his hands up like it was like the police were
like every time he was like hey man is there any milk out of just being sober i
don't you know
not from around here like everything
was like i remember like one time i just asked him a question you know i was
like hey what's the
weather like any handing me his license and registration
so you know there's some real you know america's top miscreants you know it's
the real it's it's
regular folks man you know and i could have stayed in a hotel or motel or
um hell i could have been homeless if i wanted to but i chose to be
here there where i was so yeah it was wild they had us a hasidic jewish dude i
don't know if you
ever even seen this this guy had on like all these coats he had like uh he
looked like he looked like
like biggie smalls but like biggie smallsburg kind of like he had on like he
had on like a
a jacket it was so thick it was a hundred and probably 11 degrees out there
you know you could feel a fucking i mean it feel i felt like there was a dragon
outside
that's the levels of air
heat
because the air will hold heat the air is just really just a briefcase for damn
heat or cold
you know that's mother nature's briefcase man
the air because that's where she puts all of her shit you know but anyway so
this fella man he was
is i mean he was you know this little gimbal spinner was about as damn jewish
as you could get he had on
he had on the hat the hat had on a hat he had like yeah he uh
and if you haven't seen hasidic jewish person you got to look it up because i'd
never seen it i'd seen it maybe
you know in the distance i'd seen like one of these hjs at a distance but i'd
never seen up close
you know and this fella he had on the head he had on the the drapes the
curtains he had on a door
he had on nine it was he had on 19 layers of
clothing he had socks his socks were wearing brassieres like he had i can't
even imagine
he was wearing about four loads of laundry
and he shows up and he's like hi and it was uh it was 119 degrees and if you
don't know anything
about hasidic culture they can't drive on uh the sabbath on like from friday
sundown i think until
saturday sundown so these fellas these bad boys and girls they gotta walk
so this dude had basically i mean he'd probably come from mars you could hear
his like
his shoes where it was just whatever it was just like he's like hi
it's hot like yeah it's hot man and so every you know people's air body you
know it's a damn sober
living some dude you know one guy in the kitchen i'm like oh man we're having
dinner i'm like this
salad is so good and he's like yeah it's really good i was dead for 30 minutes
two weeks ago so
everything's good like damn okay bro okay man down so you really you really
tasting this ranch
you really tasting this fat-free ranch today and you you know you really
enjoying and appreciating and
gratitude in that uh that ranch um but this is so uh what oh well it was cool
they had like a little um
place to swim in the back and it was so hot the water you got in the water it
was like being in a um
it was like hiding in somebody's mouth say you would say you were playing hide
and go seek with people
and you somebody was uh had a heat stroke a real big person big big set
probably 11 feet tall maybe
600 pounds and you hid in their mouth
during uh hide and go seek and you hid in their mouth that would be
what the heat was like that hot you know somebody who had a heat stroke and was
also
um
they were late they was also somebody was pouring heat on them somebody had two
bags of damn heat
and we're just filling them bitches up with it warming them um
so that was wild uh
and then so the crazy thing is so we're all going to the gym one day and this
one fellow had gotten a
new motorbike and he's kind of coasting through the red lights and just living
life you know
and uh
and you know and i respect no helmets because
the lord is looking for some people
and everybody wants to be alive and everything and
and i get it but
we don't know
what it's like when you die
i mean it must here's the thing it's so good i bet it's so good nobody's coming
back from it
there was a couple ghosts i think that came back allegedly from the 1700s or
whatever
but them bitches apparently they fixed heaven up because
nobody's been coming back
name the last ghost you even heard about
you know ray charles maybe or somebody i don't even know who
i mean he's not a ghost i mean he's blind but that's
that's not a ghost a ghost is if you can't see them
so he's like a reverse ghost you know
but um
but anyway so we're out there we're cruising we're going to the gym in the van
you know
if you do sober living just you know you're that dirty grade school class you
know you're just that
you know you're a little more lost than found and so we rolling out
and this other fellow had gotten a motorcycle and so he's zipping and zooladding
and doing this and
doing that and stuff and let my daddy and i tell the other guys in the van i
said hey uh
it's i said i used to talk about organ donation
because my sister make sure my head is all right
my sister got a organ when i was a child and she got uh liver
she got liver and uh which i wouldn't i got i would have got two hearts
you know you're like hey what do you need i'm like hey man throw another
freaking
throw another pump in here you know what i'm saying but we i'll be running hot
dude
all the dance move you could do with you if you was double hearted
uh but but so anyway the um the uh so so anyway this guy's skirting and stuff
and go we're all
headed to the gym this guy's skirting around on this on his bike and uh and i
say man guys you
know i said he's he's really reckless you know he's a reckless man out here and
i said a lot of organ
donors the next day i come home and uh the the fella the police had shown up
and the fella had been
in a accident in a coma or comma you know they're both pauses and
and we're like what i'm like am i predicting the future right now so it was
just you know and i
hope he's and i i you know i need to check and see if he's i'm gonna text
somebody right now
see if the guy's still coming up
yeah i'm gonna see if he's okay uh so so anyway i don't they had a candlelight
vigil like on the third
night the full uh the fifth night uh it was cool we got to sit in there and
watch like some basketball
games together and hockey uh the canadians you know those frogs bro i don't
know if anybody
follows hockey but it'd be awesome to cheer for the canadians if everybody else
in canada didn't hate
them that's the weird thing montreal's like kind of that french bad boy you
know it's like everybody
else is in a big fight and then you got some dude over there smoking a
cigarette and sucking on the
freaking on the on the dirty side of a crepe you know what i'm saying that back
hole baby that back jaw
you know somebody freaking uh you know sneaking into a crepe all nasty from the
back dude eat a crepe from
the front you creep and crepe and creep is just one letter different bro so if
you want nasty eggs dog
get them french you feel me get them french praise god man and then the last
day i'm there the uh hasidic
guy shows up hello this dude had i mean i don't think he'd ever seen regular
non uh sids you know non
um hasidic people b