Name: Kyle Dunnigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #348
Uploaded: 2021-07-10T20:14:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kyle Dunnigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #348' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kyle Dunnigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #348' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-10. Transcript available.

Kyle Dunnigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #348

Today's guest is really just a patented individual.
This man is a patented style of creative.
And I think if God could have patented him, he would.
And so I'm just so happy to have him here today.
He's already making me laugh and he's not even here yet.
But he has so many great characters.
You have to check out his YouTube channel.
We will put it below as the first link for you to please go and check out.
You know him from his Fresh Prince of D.C. on YouTube.
His Craig's News Live.
You know him from his impersonations of the Jenners and the Daddy Mama.
And whoever, I can't remember, Caleb Jenner.
And all of those people.
And what I'm telling you, the Kardashians.
What I'm telling you today is we have Mr. Kyle Dunnigan.
For me to set that parking brake
And let myself unwind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I'll be singing just for me
And now I've been moving
Yeah, we probably have similar kind of maybe genetic hair patterns.
Yeah.
Well, you're from, I think we're from the same type of community.
From Louisiana?
No, I mean old country community.
Like, uh...
Oh, yeah.
Kind of...
English area
Italian
Is this you?
We have...
I'm Polish Nicaraguan, but...
Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
Different.
Somebody fucked on a boat probably to get me.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not really a land animal, but...
It's a strong mix, though.
Yeah.
I don't know if it's good.
Kyle, can I have you pull the mic a little bit closer?
Yes.
We kind of do a soft start.
We're rolling, so...
Yeah.
Oh, I like to...
Soft open.
Yeah.
You were late.
I'm a never late, by the way.
Are you really?
Yes.
Like, I am upset I'm late, and I...
When I was younger, my mother was like,
The bus is coming!
The bus...
Screaming every morning.
We never were late, but I have an enemy...
Even if I'm going to...
Was it really coming?
Yeah, eventually, but we never were late.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, she was...
We'd have 40 minutes, and she'd scream this.
Oh, yeah.
This is when when the bus would...
When it left, she would have to drive us to school.
Right.
But she never did, because she was a panicked person.
And you were out there.
Now, did your mother have extreme...
Was she, like, one of those extreme panicky people?
Yeah.
Her anxiety is through the roof, and it's really affected me,
to be honest with you, if we're going to get honest on this podcast.
I'm affected.
I will.
Did your mother breastfeed you?
No.
Everything wrong.
Also, I was a cesarean, which makes you a sociopath.
Oh.
Sociopath.
Yeah.
I think.
Oh, you came out the belly.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Which you don't get...
My friend was breech birth out the belly.
I'm like, how did he even do that?
No, I don't think that's a thing.
Oh, he did it.
No, but I don't think you get breeched birth out...
You're a breech birth, and then you get out the belly.
This kid, Alan, did it.
Yeah.
They said it.
I mean, everybody knew it.
His mom, everybody kept saying it.
And nobody ever said it about anybody else, so I would imagine you did it.
And he seemed like the guy that did it, didn't he?
I didn't get oxygen for a long time, and I came up purple, and they put me in
an incubator.
And the doctors prepared my parents that this one may not be mentally well.
And I have a theory.
I think I was born...
I think I was like a genius, and then I got a little retarded.
And now I seem like average intelligence.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like gene-tarded.
Exactly.
I like that.
Exactly.
Yeah, man, I could see that in you, man, because you definitely really...
I could see some doctor walking over to your parents with like a shoe, empty
shoebox.
You're like, hey, you might want to put some hay in this thing, you know?
Yeah, he's going to like that.
Yeah.
And I did show bad signs when I was younger.
Like I would just fly a kite for hours and just with my tongue out.
And I was very focused on things.
I think I probably was Asperger or something.
No one tested you back then.
They just were like, he likes to stare at kites or he likes to play with string
or whatever.
Right.
Or he's a bird watcher.
Yeah, yeah.
And I would just like plink on the piano just for hours, like just listening to
the...
So...
Oh, D-flat, the neighbors called you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
That's wild.
So your mom was yelling for the bus?
And what were you got?
Who was in the house?
She still fills me with a lot of anxiety.
Everything is like she's defusing a bomb.
Like, you have to put the thing in the...
Like that.
Everything.
So I have a very solid trigger to being late, which I'm sorry I'm late.
I don't like being late.
And I was very anxious the whole ride over.
I sped.
I sped past a cop.
That's where I was at mentally.
They don't care anymore.
Unless you are literally driving by shooting people.
Oh, yeah.
The cops, I feel like they're not stopping anyone.
I know cops.
My brother's a cop.
Is he really?
And I mean, the way this whole thing is set up, how you're going to risk your
life and your
career by...
He was telling a story with some guy who was like...
It was his...
I shouldn't even say it.
Never mind.
It wasn't him.
They like...
I'll tell you the story too.
Someone's doing something very illegal, and they just let him go.
They're just like, I can't even...
Right.
The black and white thing is so intense.
It's like, I gotta just not be involved in this.
Oh, if you're doing black crime, you are free to go right now.
It's...
Yeah.
You can run into any...
You can do any...
It's like...
That's what it feels like, because if somebody records it, then suddenly you're
the bad guy.
Oh, yeah.
And they get a certain amount of the recording, and then you're just fired
immediately.
But also, these guys, cops, just to defend cops for five minutes...
Oh, totally.
They imagine a job where you go where people are being assholes all day.
Like, they're being assholes over here, and you go there, and they yell at you,
and they spit on you.
Yeah.
And like, okay, that's finished.
Now there's these other people being assholes.
Go over there.
Yeah.
And that's the...
And then 20 years of that...
Here's what they need.
Not...
You know, they need 20 minutes of therapy.
Mandatory.
And, uh...
Oh, we got a camera move.
Well, he used to be a peeping Tom also.
We don't talk about Nick that much.
Yeah, he has like a silent move.
He's a premature baby.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Me too.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, pretty.
But anyway...
There should be a group.
There's gotta be a Facebook group, huh?
Adult preemies?
Yeah, definitely.
I'm just wondering about the effects of it and what they were on me and...
They gotta be heavy, dude.
It's like you ever take a cake out of the oven like a few minutes early and
then the oven
breaks and you can't do any more baking of it?
Yeah, all the time.
And you guys have to eat that kind of like crater cake, you know?
Although, I mean, that's that example.
I mean, cookie, like fake cake batter is like a flavor at some ice cream parlors,
you
know?
It's delicious even uncooked.
Yeah, but it's just like humans.
Some people chocolate, some people vanilla, some people...
Got the sprinkles in them, gay men or whatever, you know, the Funfetti guy.
Rum raisin.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Paul Newman loved rum raisin.
I worked at this Haagen-Dazs store in Westport, Connecticut.
He'd come in every now and then.
Only guy who would get the rum raisin.
Wow.
You know, Paul Newman...
Kids don't even know who Paul Newman is anymore.
They think he's a condom or, you know, spaghetti sauce maven.
Yeah.
I don't know if maven is a word, but...
Well, anyway, my childhood was traumatic.
My mother would film my room with clowns.
That's another thing she did to me.
Well, I want to know more about a little bit of this birthing and the breastfeeding
specifically
before we move on because my mother had small breasts, dude, and I remember...
I almost remember trying to get milk out of it and there's nothing in it.
There's no way you remember that.
I think I...
Because sometimes I swear to God, Kyle, sometimes I will kind of lay down and
go like this and
it makes me...
I almost feel like it's dinner time, you know?
Like it's like I almost remember being...
I know it sounds crazy.
It's not like a real memory like some girl at a bar was like, I remember being
eight months
old.
Like it's not like that.
It's like a genetic...
It's like a genetic...
It's like a ghost in my body that comes to the surface of my skin when I do
this.
Like a ghost that has an idea that happened a long time ago.
How old are you when you stopped?
Maybe that's a fair question.
When I stopped breastfeeding?
Yeah.
Maybe you were 11.
No, no, no.
I was younger than that.
I don't remember.
But I don't ever remember seeing my mother's breasts past four or five.
And I remember...
Do you remember seeing them?
Yeah.
You can, in your mind, imagine what your mother's nipples look like and know
what they are.
I wouldn't say know what they are.
I remember them, I think, as a feeding domicile kind of.
But do you remember what your mother's nipples look like?
I don't ever...
Really?
I never saw them.
I never saw my mother's nipples.
You never saw them?
No.
Even as you got a little older?
Especially.
Oh, Kyle.
Your mother would be nude around the house.
I saw my friend's mom's boobs a lot.
My friend's mom would just walk in buck naked.
And I...
Like, I was 13 when you're really interested, you know?
Dude, my friend Scott's mom, walking down the hole in front of me one time,
dropped something.
Or the Lord took it out of her hand and set it on the ground.
For you, yeah.
Bro, she bent over to pick it up and had no underpants on.
Oh, my God.
And I was like, I'm coming over here again.
And that's when they didn't clean things up down there.
Oh, it was...
Oh, it was definitely...
It was just like...
Do you prefer that now?
Because the first time you get sexualized, you usually are into that.
Like, certain people who, you know, are into feet.
Like, they saw feet when they first got sexually awoken or they, you know, had
someone...
We know somebody who, like, one of their first experiences was a girl told him
to masturbate in front of her.
A girl told him.
Yeah, to masturbate.
And that was like his first sexual experience.
Locks in your brain.
And then for the rest of your life, you're chasing that dragon.
That's Louis C.K.
So, did you have that with...
Do you now like it not groomed?
No.
I will say this.
The first time I ever masturbated was on a shelving unit.
Because I climbed up this shelving unit.
My brother had some magazines up there.
I cracked them open.
They had a can of mint julep liquor.
Yeah.
And I cracked that thing open, too.
And so, I'm sitting on this shelving unit, dude, on the top.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Like that?
Like a shelf like that?
That's a shelving unit?
It was metal, though.
It was like one of the metal ones with the cross, with those cross straps in
the back going up.
The X's, kind of.
It was metal.
And you were up on it.
Oh, yeah.
And you were on the top.
And you were like 13 or 12?
Yeah, I was probably about 11 or 12.
And I got that nudie mag.
I think it was called, like, bust or odourve or something.
Like a French one.
Swank.
And I got, yeah, something like that swank rub or something.
You know, just something like.
I don't think rub is one.
I'm sure it's one.
I don't think.
If not, we're coming out with it, dude.
It'll be premature babies.
Yes, that was kind of it.
Wait, that would make so much noise and not be at all stable for you to
pleasure yourself.
Part of it, I think, that's what goes into it for me, honestly.
Why didn't you just take the magazine down and go somewhere else?
I mean, that's a fair question.
Because it was in my brother's closet.
So it was already, like, the most remote place I could be for my parents or
anybody.
Could you come down from it?
Why did you have to be at the top of it masturbating?
Because that's where I got it.
And I think I was just so in, I was there.
Does that image do a little something whe