Name: Last Words | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #349
Uploaded: 2021-07-14T12:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Last Words | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #349' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Last Words | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #349' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-14. Transcript available.

Last Words | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #349

Oh, well, I'm alive.
That's the first thing I noticed about myself this morning when I got up.
I'm still alive.
You know, it's not a guarantee.
Some people die in their sleep. I wonder if I would like that.
Dying in my sleep.
I almost, the thing about dying in your sleep, and people don't think about
this.
If you die in your sleep, you don't get any last words.
You don't get that last serving of outspoken.
You don't get to say anything.
If you're stabbed or if you, you know, fall down some stairs or, you know, if
you're stabbed, you can.
Oh, you know, what?
Why did you stab me?
Why did you stab me?
You know, and then maybe some famous quote or something you get to do, you know.
I could have been a contender.
Give me liberty.
Give me death, you know.
I mean, you get to, at least if you're out and about or if you're, if you're
not asleep, if you're not dying in your sleep, you get that last moment.
You know, even if you're falling down some stairs, you're like.
Oh, dang.
This is the last time I'm going to be alive.
Five.
What the fuck?
Yeah, but at least you get to, you get a final say.
Because otherwise, if you just die in your sleep, you just get that epithet.
And an epithet is something people write it on your, on that gravestone, that
death marker.
You know, that, uh, that funeral yard, um, little placard, or placard, I'm not
sure.
I think it is a French origin.
But then, then somebody else guesses, you know, what they, what you would have
said, you know.
Or they give you a final little hoo-ha on there.
So, what do you think you'd do, Raleigh Mal?
Would you die in your sleep, or would you, you want to go out in a living
moment?
I think I want to go out in a living moment.
And what, would you have a final word or something?
Would you get a, would you get one final jab in at the world, a verbal jab?
Uh, yeah, I don't know.
I would say, uh, you know, something.
Alrighty, we'll come back to you, bud.
We'll come back to you with that.
Uh, today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
1811 Pico Boulevard, on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block, get that hitter, baby.
Let's get into it.
I'm on my own, baby.
This is Eddie Ninevolt, the come-up.
I'm on the come-up, gang.
Feels real good out there, I've been so blue.
He's on the come-up, he's on the come-up.
I'm on the come-up.
It feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's on the come-up.
Well, I just broke off with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love on you.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, yeah, yeah.
He's on the come-up.
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street when the mayor came and said to me,
He's on the come-up.
He's on the come-up.
Come on, baby.
And it's plain to see between you and me.
We got so much lovin' in chemistry.
It's on the come-up.
It's on the come-up.
Well, good things keep on comin'.
And there ain't gonna be no runnin'.
No, I'm on the come-up.
It's on the come-up.
Well, I just got home and now I'm back.
I got so many people askin' where I'm back.
I've been a Tennessee.
I've been a Ohio.
And that's that right there, baby.
That'll get you.
And if that don't get you, then you probably can't be got.
If that don't get you, you probably can't be got.
Because music has that infectious ability.
You know, there's very few things that can just get you immediately out of
nowhere and make you behave differently.
A dog bite can do it.
A bee.
A bumblebee, baby.
They can do it really heavily if they choose, if they wanna.
If they're feelin' like it.
A dog bite, a bee.
A bee.
What else?
Lightning.
Which is really just God's bumblebee, baby.
And music.
Music.
Those are the things that can really get you.
Just take you from nothing to something.
And an escalator.
Those are about the five things that can really maybe shift what's going on
with you.
I went to the fights.
That's what I did this past weekend.
I went out there to Las Vegas.
And, man, it was a scorcher.
The plane couldn't even land because at first, the runway was 115 degree.
And they said the runway, if it's higher than 114 or something, they can't land.
So, that took an extra 40 minutes of delay time.
And then you're sittin' there and it's, you know, it just, then you're having
to kind of mingle.
There was two, like, just thoughts.
I mean, just real girls that had looked like they'd just been, the kind of
girls that'll just,
they'll just look like they've been beaten up even at Christmas.
And they just, one of them was just so aggravating and just kept ordering
drinks.
And the guy, the guy in the, you know, the server or the flight attendant.
Sorry, I don't mean server.
But the flight attendant, the air man, he said, we can't have drinks.
And the lady, like, ordered three times and just a nightmare.
And I just wish that I was Italian enough to do that thing where, when you're
sittin' behind somebody in an Italian movie,
sometimes the person in the back seat will put a cord around the person in the
front seat's neck
and just lace them up like a shoe until they're not alive anymore.
And that's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to do that.
There was two girls.
One of them deserved to live.
I'm going to say it.
I'll put it like that.
The other one, we didn't need her.
We didn't need her.
Did we need her?
Nope.
We sure didn't.
She said, I don't know.
Jesus Christ.
And who's emailing me now?
Best Buy?
Bunch of assholes.
What do they think I'm going to do?
Hey, Best Buy, let me say this to you, okay?
Every night you want to email me around midnight, 1 a.m.
First of all, your stores aren't even open at that time.
Have you thought about that?
Second of all, what do you think I'm going to do?
You think I'm going to get out of bed with my stuffed animal or with a girl
maybe?
But you think I'm going to get out of bed to go look at one of your Xeroxers
or look at one of your 71-inchers?
It's 1 a.m.
And you guys are beating me over the damn screen face with your, you know, we
got toasters.
We got mortal, you know, mortal warrior 60.
You know?
Join the club.
Join the group.
Don't you want this oven?
Bitch, I'm going to sleep.
I don't need an oven while I'm sleeping.
All right?
I'm trying to get some rest.
I'm not trying to get a deal, Best Buy.
So, you best believe me when I tell you to leave me the fuck alone in the
emails.
But anyway, yeah.
So, I got out to the fights.
And what was going on?
I mean, there was, first of all, it was a packed event.
You know, I get over there.
And, well, did you watch the fights, Raleigh Mao?
Did you watch the fights, brother?
I did not.
All righty.
What did you do over the weekend, bub?
Filmed the wedding.
Oh, wow.
And whose was it?
Don't know.
It was a Catholic wedding.
Oh, okay.
And now, what's the time commitment?
You're going to go film a wedding.
What kind of time commitment is that?
Pretty much all day.
Okay.
And do you have a certain shot list you like to try to get?
I do.
Okay.
And is there any kind of sneaky shots?
Will you get something like a – is there any stuff you try to sneak in the
back room
or hide behind a window or something?
Get something.
A little perverse.
Not perverse, but you know what I'm saying?
Something that's going to, you know, make them cover the baby's eyes.
If they're watching the video back, it's going to make them cover the child's
eyes if they're in there watching it.
I do not.
Okay.
So, you guys are really more of a PG outfit over there.
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
Okay.
And have you ever filmed a wedding where you didn't think that they should go
through with it?
Not that I could think of.
All righty.
How's your own love life going, man?
Last time we'd had you here, you had a real – there was a woman who'd let you
down from Memphis, I remember.
Yeah.
Kendra, I think, was her name.
What was it?
I don't even remember.
It was – I got her out of my mind.
Wow.
Yeah.
Isn't it funny how it'll happen, how one day it's the most important thing to
you and then it's old male, you know?
Exactly.
What's up with the wedding bells on your own front?
Is there any new relationships in your life?
Unfortunately not.
Okay.
Okay.
Still looking.
You're still looking, huh?
Yeah.
Are you on the apps?
Are you just letting the – you're just living – you're letting the Lord
work?
How are you managing it?
I'm just letting the Lord work.
Amen, Bubby.
Amen.
And what about are you – do you – you know, I struggle over the years with
a little bit of pornography.
Do you struggle with it or you're good?
I don't.
I'm good.
God, you're lucky.
Dear God.
Motherfuck.
All right.
Well, I'll tell you about the fights, man.
Okay, you guys, if you didn't see the fight – I mean, it was – first of all,
I get there.
There's tons of – you know, Joe Rogan has done an amazing job over the years.
He created this unique bridge where comedy and – where comedians and fighters
are allowed to co-mingle.
And there's a mutual kind of – I don't know if it's a – it's definitely a
respect in the fighter's direction.
But there's a – like, I got to go up to Max Holloway and say hello, you know,
and he knew who I was.
I mean, that was, like, made my life, you know.
You know, you're able to – in my DMs, I'm communicating with other fighters.
I run into other fighters.
And there's just, like, Ricky Simone, you know, Corey Sanhagen and I will
communicate some.
Like, Ty Tuivasa, who was drinking beer out the boot up there on that cage
after he gave Greg Hartley that – I mean, he hit – I mean, he just hit him.
He gave him that fat rattler, baby, you know.
He fucking hit him with that New Zealand brown snake, baby, you feel me?
He really shook him down with that freaking – that big coconut cane pole,
Daddy.
Ty really – he snuck him.
He snuck him with that magic arm duck, you know.
He bit him with that freaking – he bit him with that big – that elbowed quacker,
dog, you know.
That dirty duck, that left or that right.
I don't remember which one it was.
But there's just a way – like, and that's all because of Joe Rogan.
You know, Joe Rogan does comedy.
He's done – he does UFC.
He's the voice of UFC.
And so you're just – it's interesting he's allowed to co-mingle with those
people.
And there's a level of – I don't know if it's – it's definitely respect
towards the fighters because, you know, they're fighters.
So you – there's always a lot of respect towards fighters.
But there's a – there's a level of respect that comes back from those guys
towards the comedians and stuff.
You know, I think it's interesting because, you know, we all put ourselves out
there in some way to get an energy or a vibe or something.
To get a – to get a – to be seen or heard.
You know, fighters, they're fighting to get that – you know, they want to be
– we're all trying to prove something.
We're all trying to – we're all trying to – we're all trying to – we're
all trying to – out in the world just chiseling different moments and
different goals.
To get them to feel whatever that space is.
And I noticed a lot.
I noticed it between fighters.
I noticed it between comedians.
I noticed it between strippers.
Pornographists.
But, yeah, this need to – to be seen or noticed or complete.
But, yeah, and Joe Rogan's really built that.
But he makes it okay kind of for comedians and fighters to interact because he's
that Lego that's keeping that – both of those entities connected.
Yeah, I went to the fights.
I didn't know that Joe Rogan had left me two tickets.
So, I get there.
I got one – I just brought myself, you know.
So, I get there.
I got – suddenly, I got two tickets.
But it's already into the undercard.
So, I texted a couple people.
I didn't know anyone that lived in Vegas.
So, I texted Glenn Big Baby Davis.
He was a guest on this past weekend.
You know, he's a Louisiana guy.
I figured I'm there to see Dustin, another Louisiana guy.
It would be great.
Glenn was – had just left town.
And so, then I'm stuck.
You know, and I thought about trying to text a hooker or something.
But then, what if they show up, they don't look like their picture, and then
now you're sitting next to some la