Name: John Crist | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #350
Uploaded: 2021-07-21T23:43:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Crist | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #350' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Crist | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #350' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-21. Transcript available.

John Crist | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #350

I wanna say thank you for supporting me
in my ability to be a human.
I love you.
And I wanna let you know that the tour,
the still unnamed, I'll name it soon,
by next week I think I'll have a name for it.
But it's coming to St. Louis, Cincinnati, good places,
Charlotte, Durham, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Wilmington.
You wanna get out there in Wilmington where people are,
a lot of milkmaids out there.
Wilkes-Barre, Minneapolis, Charleston, Richmond,
Baltimore over there, the Black Maine they call it,
Portland, Burlington, Albany, Buffalo, Columbus, Ohio.
As well, the Netflix taping,
those shows are sold out in Nashville.
Thank you so much for the support.
And I will be running that material in Huntsville
a few days prior.
That is the first week of August.
You can get tickets for any date at theovon.com/tour.
Don't buy through any other link, it's a scam.
They's jacked up prices.
I try to keep tickets at fair prices for you.
Today's guest is a friend of mine, a decent man, and a man who has walked the
road of,
we've walked a very common road when it comes to humor.
He's become a better friend of mine over the past year and we have a lot in
common and we're going to get into some of that and just talk turkey.
About to embark on his fresh-cut comedy tour, it is Mr. John Crist.
That's just the Lord's liquid right there, bro.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It's just the Lord's liquid right there, bro.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It's just the Lord's liquid right there, bro.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
It ain't nothing to do with us.
You know, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, Chris, you know, like, it's not
shocking to hear that.
They'd be like, or if I did that joke in my show, you'd be like, oh, this is
like his, like, this is part of the thing.
You're right.
But what, I mean, if you, well, if you live in America, let's say an average
person's, because I grew up in church.
My dad's a pastor.
I was homeschooled.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Homeschooled.
One of eight kids.
Wow.
So when you, so did your dad teach any of the courses or in homeschooling is
the, is the, the mother?
The mom teaches.
The mom teaches.
Well, see, there's two types of homeschool.
There's like homeschool.
Like if you're Serena Williams and you want to be professional football or you
want to be a professional tennis player, like I'll just homeschool so I can.
And then there's like the cultural homeschoolers.
Those are like long jean skirts, Christian traditionally.
That's a different type of homeschool.
Like pail of water.
Yeah.
That's it.
It's like, where are they going?
They got a faucet, but they got one.
Right.
Yeah.
Books around a belt, you know, put up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very Willie and Nellie Olsen from Little House on the Prairie.
Like, is that how it goes?
Yeah.
Like, nah, not really, but sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So with homeschooling, man, so your mother homeschooled you.
Yeah.
Did your dad, does the dads come up with the curriculum?
Where did they get the curriculum?
It's like, you like have a, like a, there's like a, there's like a group.
They have like their homeschool, like textbooks.
It's like, but, but you buy all the textbooks, but then you use them eight
times because my
brother did it.
And then I do it two years later and then the little brother, but all the, like
a math problem
would be like, I'm, I'm wish I was making this up, but I'm not like.
Okay.
In Matthew four, he had five loaves and two fish.
Subtract three loaves.
How many you, they're all like the, they're about the Bible.
Right.
Like all the, it's not like a train was traveling 60 miles an hour.
It's like a caravan of donkeys going to see the North star.
Oh, okay.
So it suddenly like gets it in there.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, we'll slide the Bible in.
So they'll sneak some facts in, huh?
That's true.
Dang.
We'll get it.
Yeah.
We'll teach them dude.
One way or another.
Did you guys like at Halloween?
Cause I dated a girl for a little bit.
No Halloween in my house, dude.
From Nashville.
Right.
And she at Halloween, they were only allowed to dress up as characters from the
Bible.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you know what she dressed as?
I don't know who she dressed as.
I think it was one of the women in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here's the thing about the Bible.
There's not a lot.
Dude heavy.
Yeah.
They're all written by dudes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they educated guys, which is a little tricky.
They should have.
Brenda should have got a book.
Yeah.
At least a book.
Hey, this is how I say, you know, I used to have a joke in my show about there,
there
was a story in the Bible about Jesus and the prostitute.
That's the, that's the heading of the story.
Uh huh.
And you know, the prostitute, she gets her sins forgiven and she gets saved and
all this
kind of stuff.
She's in heaven now.
This is my bit, but like, she's like, yo, what's up?
My name's like Cheryl.
They're like, who?
I'm like, the price.
Oh, what's up?
Dude.
You're the, like she did.
She get a name.
Wow.
She gets no name.
The Bible, they didn't even give her a name.
No, but there's, but that's not gender specific.
There's like Jesus and the man with leprosy.
You're like, he's like, dude, I had a nice job.
I had a family.
I.
Right.
I had more than leprosy.
But for the book, it's like, we just need you to be leprosy.
We need you to be leprosy one.
There's no.
We need prostitute one.
We need leprosy one.
What's it called when you do a TV show and then somebody's in the background
doing something
like, hey, can you.
Oh yeah.
A release.
There was no release in the Bible times about leprosy guys.
Like, hey, we're just gonna.
Right.
We're just gonna take your story, bro.
And leprosy was pretty popular.
I think for a while, you know, and.
But if you were, if you were, if you had it, it was.
It was bad.
No, you're out.
You can't.
Oh, you can't party with leprosy.
No, no, no, no.
But I don't even know if that's how it was transmitted.
But that in, you know, they're just like, you're cast out.
If you got the, I don't know.
What is it?
What do you think it is?
A scab or something?
Party.
I think it was like a little something.
And then your whole body, it got like your leg would fall off.
I don't think so.
You would shed a limb.
You want to look that up, please, Sean?
Leprosy.
Bring up a limb shedding.
What is it?
But when you talk about something bad in the Bible, like, dude, he probably had
leprosy.
Probably had leprosy.
Infectious disease called by bacillus.
So I don't know who he is.
Who that is.
Is he?
Transmitted via droplets.
That sounds familiar.
Yeah.
Nose.
Nose.
From the nose and the mouth.
No masks back then, bro.
Wow.
The bacillus is likely transmitted via droplets.
Yup.
It's curable with therapy.
There were.
There were 202,000.
Is that what it said?
New registered cases of leprosy in 2019.
Yeah.
What if you called a girl?
Hey, I can't come over tonight.
Why not?
I got leprosy.
That would be like, I mean, it says right there, 202,000 cases.
It's plausible.
But it's not, I guess it doesn't, it's not a death sentence now.
It's plausible.
But if you were like walking into something and you rolled an ankle back in the
Bible,
you're like, that's it.
That's it.
That's it.
If you rolled an ankle, yeah.
You walk in with a limp, the rest of your, that's it.
Well, we forget, you know, I will romanticize things a lot of times and think,
man, you know,
it'd be so nice to be on a carriage with my wife or with some, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like old times.
Like old times.
I'll do that a lot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you start to think like what old times were really like.
And it was probably pretty sad.
Tough.
Well, you don't even have to go back that far to like, if you think about like,
dude,
when you were a kid, remember going to pick someone up at the airport?
You just like, I hope they're here.
Oh, yeah.
You go around, circle back around.
You're like, maybe they're here this time.
Right.
And then you would just, there was no check in.
There's no flight tracker.
There's no cell phones.
You just went.
You would keep going.
Yeah.
Maybe you stay for 30 minutes and then.
And if you were there with your dad, he'd send you in.
Hey, run in there and see on the, on the screen.
Yeah.
If it's here.
And, but you don't even know if he got on it.
Right.
Cause you can't call.
But it was also so much fun.
I feel like to just go do anything.
Then it was like, everything was kind of like an adventure.
It was like, all right, let's go.
We want to pick up our friend from the airport.
You don't know what's going to happen.
Right.
Hey, we're going to go up there to meet some.
So into in the movie theater.
Maybe, but maybe not.
He might not be there.
Yeah.
If your date didn't show, like you really got stood up.
Like you like, there was no way to like know why or.
They say is.
They could lie.
It was easy.
Next time they saw you, they could lie.
But remember when I, I remember I told you that a couple of days ago about when
you, I didn't get a text back from me and then it went to green and I was like,
that's red alert in 2021.
Right.
But back then he'd be like, he'll turn back up.
And so you're like, he missed a week, a couple of weeks of school.
What happened to him?
Yeah.
And then you show back up.
What's up dude?
He's around.
Yeah.
I don't know.
He's cutting the grass.
Where'd he been?
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Now it's like.
So much.
Now it's like, like, you know, girls be like, hey, I noticed you don't watch my
Instagram stories anymore.
You're like, oh my.
Okay.
We know too much.
Yeah.
Wouldn't you say that?
Like, oh, now it's definitely too much.
Like, oh, I saw you like on your Instagram about, I don't need to probably know
that.
Yeah.
And you can't hide anymore.
You can't.
Like I used to love to be able to make things up back in the day.
You can make up who your family was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can't anymore.
You could say you were a prince.
You could make up anything.
Yeah.
He was like, you're a prince, dude.
You know, you couldn't.
You couldn't fact check anything.
Small big bird sweatshirt.
Okay.
It's a little questionable.
I don't feel like a prince would wear that.
Why?
You moved here to Louisiana?
Yeah.
But it's kind of like we had a transfer situation, but they were like, all
right.
Yeah.
It was an exchange program at the castle.
That's like, dude, in, you know, in rehab, you can't.
You can't.
No one knows.
You don't have any phones or nothing.
So no one knows that you can make up stuff there.
Right.
Because this guy said he's from India and he's like, he had like, this is true.
I actually had like 37, like not servants at his house, but 37 people worked at
his house.
No way.
And you're like, that's a different, but you don't know anybody's name.
Right.
You don't know their whole name.
Oh, if I was any, any person.
He might be like Chuck.
Right.
You're