Name: Limited Alphabet | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #351
Uploaded: 2021-07-28T01:13:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Limited Alphabet | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #351' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Limited Alphabet | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #351' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-28. Transcript available.

Limited Alphabet | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #351

Welcome to episode 351 of this past weekend, thank you for being alive at this
time.
And I'm happy to be alive for the most part and I'm happy to be here with you.
That part is definite.
And what's going on man, I'm dealing with a lot of itchery at the house.
I got, you know, I got a bad detergent and I don't want to call out any shops
or mercantiles, but 99 cent store.
You know, y'all gave me some, they gave me some Tide and it's I think Tide
fresh and easy.
I think is the package and let me be sure of that.
I don't want to send somebody on a bad route here.
Tide fresh and clean is the item I'm talking about.
And I don't know if they just got a hot batch or something, but it's got, it's
got me itching everything.
And at first I didn't know what was happening.
I didn't know you could have asked me what's happening.
I said, look, I don't, you know, I don't know.
I don't know.
And I was seeing kind of whelps around my ankles.
You know, and I got a little bit of fat family and, uh, sometime a lot of sugar
will gather around your ankles down in your blood.
You know, ankles just that, that's that hardy swamp knuckle.
That's that last hitter.
When you really get down to the ankle, that's really, I mean, damn, that's the
Lord's U-turn at each one of your legs.
Just, you know, that's where the stream kind of stops and rebuttals.
So a lot of, you know, like I said, I got family that's real, got a lot of grits
in them, if you know what I'm saying.
And, uh, you know, they real, you know, they hardy.
They hardy.
You crack them open, they're going to have a couple hearts in them, man.
You know, they hardy.
And, uh, and so the deal is that a lot of sugar gathers air at that little turnabout
at the ankle.
So anyway, I'm thinking maybe I'm, you know, I've had some bad, uh, chamomile
tea or I've had a bad donat or something.
You know, maybe I had me a couple, you know, I put a little, you know, I like
ribs.
I like rib meat and sometime I'll put a little too much sauce on there.
So really I'm having sauce and I'm just eating it with a rib.
You know, at some point I'm, I'm the, the entree is the sauce.
So I've been there, you know, sometime at a barbecue, you'll see me sitting at
that last, uh, at the last picnic tables.
And I'm just dipping a bone in the sauce, you know, I'm just going with
straight marrow to mouth, honey.
You know, I'm just hauling sauce, man.
So, um, so I thought maybe I'd had too much sugar.
I'd had too much barbecue sauce or it was a condiment that was real sweet,
heavy.
That was making me have too much sugar in my body, making my ankles itch.
And so I'm trying to adjust my diet and I keep itching.
And then I saw a spider.
And so I said, oh, damn, you know, Charlotte's web in this bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
This, this, that damn fifth grade reading level, this shit's, you know, causing
me to act up.
And then I noticed all my dermis on my legs and, um, kind of the top of my ass
really are, I don't know what that's called, at the top of your, where your ass
kind of meets your back.
That part started getting bumps, little, uh, welts on it or something.
I said, well, what's going on?
I thought I was getting bit by spiders, so I slept in a different bed.
You know, I got me a batch of spider traps off the internet.
And one company I bought them from, some Chinese company, I, oh, I finally
opened up the spider trap because I kept itching day after day.
Open up, there's nothing in that bitch.
So they're selling out here, selling fake spider traps out here.
Damn Gary Vee out here, whoever it is, out here selling them frank, you know,
them fake ass arachnid apartments.
And, you know, I'm thinking these, they're out here gripping these, uh, these
little climbers and nothing.
And there's nothing, you know, open four of them up, there's nothing in that
bitch, no poison, nothing.
Hell, I could have licked my fingers after and I'd have been fine.
And so, so anyway, just a couple bad purchases, uh, so I finally, I realized,
well, um, it's a, maybe it's the detergent.
And what you don't understand is when you, when you, when your detergent is, uh,
faulty or whatever, um, or you're allergic to it, you have an allergen, allergen.
When you have allergen, then everything you, you don't realize how many things
have touched your detergent.
Your socks, pants, pillowcases, sheets, towels, that was the one that I kept,
you know, I'd dry off, I bought some clothes.
I went to Target, bought me a damn batch of Hanes over there, everything, top
to bottom.
I mean, damn foot to, uh, to front piece, you know, just hanged up.
I mean, I look like a damn stunt double on a Michael Jordan commercial.
You know, I was just hanged in the membrane, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
We hanged out.
They see me hanging, they hating.
You know what I'm saying?
I was real hanged up and, uh, and damn, uh, but you don't realize the towel,
when you get out the tub, you're drying yourself with the bad detergent.
So anyway, man, I'm at a place right now, I'm having to rewash everything in my
place with some damn non-allergen, you know, you know, real tender detergent.
Ain't no homo, bro, no bromo, no nothing, you know, everything's normal and, uh,
so we got the regular detergent now or something soft, soft batch, baby.
Something you could damn, I mean, shit, you could give half a cup of this to a
damn toddler, I bet, and he'd be fine.
I don't think there's even a medical warning on the back of it.
So, you know, I'm upstairs, but I'm damn, I'm itching.
I'm itching while I'm up there.
I'm still recovering.
And I'll include a couple photos and images right here, right now of the whelps
and just little, you just don't realize how much of your body is, uh, touches
detergent.
Or when you hug somebody, I dated a gal in college for a little bit and her
name was, I'm not going to say her name, but it was, uh, Vanessa was her name.
And they called her Van and I don't, you know, I don't, I don't recommend
dating women named after, uh, autos.
You know, and, but anyway, I dated this gal Van and she was a real stocky, she
was stocky, you know what I'm saying?
She would damn, she could kind of flex and make her breasts real hard if you
want, you know what I'm saying?
If you were into that kind of shit.
And I guess, I don't know if I was into that, but I was, you know, she, she was
willing to date me.
And so there I was, but anyway, uh, what I'm trying to tell you is, and I
remember when she would hug me, the detergent they used was bad.
So I remember after we get done making out or doing sex or anything like that,
I'd look like a damn, you know, I'd look like I'd just been in a gang bang with
a damn, uh, anteater.
You know, and he'd been breathing out the whole time.
So, oh, whatever, man.
But anyway, I'm happy to be here today with you.
I really am.
And, and I'm happy to be alive and I'm happy that you're alive.
And that's where I'm at.
So I just, I wanted to come to you cleanly and let you know where I'm at.
Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on
the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
All right, let's, uh, let's see what we're capable of.
Come on, baby.
That throwback hitter, baby.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
Tell them, Travis.
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been.
Blown.
Come on.
Get in there.
Now I'm just falling on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my ground I can feel.
Let's go, baby.
Welcome home, baby.
But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
myself on my own.
Shine that light on me.
Come on.
Damn, this plant's close.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
And that is Bishop Gunn right there.
And that band, they couldn't keep it together.
You know, things happen.
You know, a band is just a family that has a skill set.
And just like families, you know, people get, you know, somebody's huffing gas.
Somebody's, you know, too big for their britches.
Somebody's too small for their britches.
Like my buddy Alan that I grew up with.
You know, he could barely fit into a damn child.
You know, he could barely fit into a child's pant.
Praise God, brother.
What's going on?
I'm here.
You're here.
And we are doing it.
We're heading into the fall.
And that's a lie, actually, because it's August is really that last gas.
Maybe it's that fifth round of the summer.
It's that, you know, it's that fifth and final round of the summer.
What have I been doing, man?
We had a great episode with John Crist.
If you're not familiar, if you're not familiar with John, you know, he's an
interesting, he's an interesting guy.
You know, he talked about growing up in a household.
They had eight children.
I mean, damn, you know, you could run into somebody in the hall and barely
fucking remember who they are.
What, are you Ronald?
No, I'm not Ronald.
You know, I'm Diana.
Well, damn, you know, grow your hair out.
You know, eight people.
I mean, it's.
And he said they made you take your shoes off at his house when you got there.
Off air, he and I were chatting.
He said that they had to take their shoes off at the door.
And I'm thinking, well, sometimes you get back to the door and you did.
There's damn 16 shoes there.
And that's just the children.
Fucking you can put on two shoes, any type.
You know, you're sitting there at church with a damn sandal and a boot on.
And you think you did well.
It's just.
You could meet.
You could meet somebody that you think is cute or has attraction.
You know, visuality really hits your eyes and you like it.
And they could be family.
And that's something that's just normal.
Some of that's.
You get outside of eight.
I think anything after seven children, man, I don't know.
I don't I would never promote incestuality.
And I never have.
You could look at any chart or any.
You know.
History log.
You could look at my damn Google log.
I've never even looked it up.
I guarantee you I would misspell it.
But I think anything outside of after seven kids, man, somebody should be
allowed to date.
If you got two kids and you trying to date, that's dude, that's dicey.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to tighten up, man.
You got to, you know, get on the apps or something.
But if you have over seven children and two of them start, you know, at least
high five in each other or play in this game a lot, you know, and really, you
know, and doing it real heavy or late at night.
Then I think you got to you got to let that slide.
You know, but what do I know?
Anyway, what were we talking about, man?
What did I do this weekend?
Well, I just got out of my ice plunge.
And I've been in there.
And, you know, the fellow that owns Gray Block Pizza, my friend Thomas, he make
ice plunges now.
It's a separate company.
And they sent me one of them.
And I'll put a video on the Clips channel of my first couple times in there.
And it's real interesting because it makes your body feel almost makes your
body feel like it disappears.
It's so chilled out that just your head is awake.
You know, you can't really feel a pinch or, you know, a small dog could bite
you a damn, not a German shepherd, but like a French shepherd could bite you.
You wouldn't even feel it.
You know, you just wouldn't have that.
You wouldn't know.
Because your body's real chilled out.
But, so I've been in that.
You know, I've been dealing with the detergent issue.
And I'm not, you know, I just will not use the brand anymore.
Tide, fresh and easy.
It ain't easy, brother.
It might be fresh, but it's, you know, it's one for two as far as I'm concerned.
Praise God, brother PTL.
You know that.
I'm upstairs.
I'll tell you this.
I watched the fight.
I watched the fight this weekend.
And I'm going to go on.
Look.
C