Name: Shane Gillis | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #353
Uploaded: 2021-08-14T09:51:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shane Gillis | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #353' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shane Gillis | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #353' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-14. Transcript available.

Shane Gillis | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #353

today's episode is brought to you by liquid death drink up today's guest is a
tall man
and he's a comedian as well um he was semi-recently affected by cancel culture
over at saturday night live he is a co-host of matt and shane's secret podcast
with his partner
just friend matt mccusker today's guest is comedian who i met last night mr shane
gillis
shine that light on me
i'll sit and tell you my stories
shine on me
how you feeling bro me yeah i feel pretty good man i think i was just trying to
think earlier
about how i'm feeling i think sometimes for me it's like i have to think about
how i'm feeling
yeah for sure it's like i think some people can just are just feeling you know
yeah it's like
when you're depressed you got to like figure it out because when you're
depressed you don't like
know you're depressed you're just kind of like i'm tired yeah i don't feel like
doing anything
yeah you gotta take some time yeah people like why are you at this animal
shelter and you're like i
don't know i just just want to say goodbye to these guys i don't know what it
is i just want to say
goodbye to all these cats yeah yeah man hey i just i don't even know them but i
miss them
um yeah man thanks for thanks for letting me get up last night it was cool oh
yeah i was happy about
it that was a good crowd in there they were i was a little i was a little like
i couldn't figure
them out at first it was a weird nashville you know there's certain states
where they're like
austin or nashville or like richmond was like that where it's like aren't you
guys supposed to be
like fucking hicks oh and then they're like ultra liberal or like not ultra
liberal but they're like
no we're not hicks right we care yeah and then they over you know i think are
we recording this on
yeah all right good okay um i wasn't sure i you know i do think it's funny to
find like a real
country audience like i my audience isn't like a real country audience um do
you feel what is your
audience do you i was trying to gauge it from the stage last night because you
don't know a man
you really don't know a community you walk into like it's like putting on his
pants yeah yeah yeah
uh you've walked seven minutes in his audience i don't know i don't really have
it's new the
audience thing so it's mostly it's just podcast guys right fans like that yeah
for sure yeah you
had there was one girl there who was like i felt like she was not even looking
at the stage she was
kind of looking the other like she was kind of sitting to to the side where was
she at over to
the right yeah i remember her and she for me and she hated me she hated me she
hated me
she hated me start to finish hated me and i hated her for it oh everyone's why
i'd look at her and be
like what the fuck what are you doing isn't that crazy why would you do this
she like it was mad
yes i think that's i'm glad she was mad during your set oh she was she was mad
during my set and even
ari uh because ari manis was there and he went up before kind of a bigger lady
right she more a
little more rubenes yeah kind of like uh more of like a rodin paint you see her
in like a rodin can
you bring up rodin i think anyway yes but yeah that was i was like okay this is
these are shane's
these are shane's bad girls out here yeah you think i got the yeah she almost
had a goth appearance
she was pale black hair r-o-d-i-n brother oh that's larry rodden
who is also apparently a good artist out of somewhere yeah it looks good yeah
oh yeah there it is
i think he did some oh there we go there's that blob to the right oh that's her
bro i recognize that
lady fuming dude i used to go when i was in uh school some type of school i
would go to the library
and look at all of the that was all my pornography that's what i would look at
it was that kind of
heavily bro i remember going in there and i would get you going oh i would get
erect and then i would
put my erection into the book where in the library right like up near the
shelves and close it as hard
as i put on my penis so you were like tributing renaissance paintings i was
yeah i mean i was into
like and i remember i'd go to the certain section and be back there it was dicey
it's crazy i never
really thought about that i went through this whole little deal to do that that's
a lot it is a lot
that's a lot it's crazy you did that it is crazy you were sticking your book a
dick in books and
smash it not putting them in i would open the book i like the book was i'm not
saying the book was
asking for it but i'm saying yes but i would do that man i would just like uh
the book was willing
to be a part of it like seven yeah i was probably 13 maybe yeah this feels like
a seventh grade
yeah endeavor just something yeah i think it was just like i think i just
wanted to i don't know if
i wanted to meet a woman from the past or if i was just that's how i could see
pornography
you wanted a woman from the past you think maybe i don't know i'm just trying
to think of why would
i have done that because you know dick it feels good to smash your dick into
the things yeah that
too and they were naked ladies yeah and he couldn't porn back then was
impossible and if you could
score some porn in school yeah that's dude i would look at like the science
book yeah like a skinless
woman and i'd be like nice yeah like you see your pussies you can see the
inside of her
you can see the workings dude so you just made into the drawings oh bro give me
a biology book
oh yeah anatomy i remember two moons in eclipse and i remember thinking it was
like breasts and we
would draw tits on them yeah oh yeah that's pussy yeah yeah yeah
you remember how hot like disgusting teachers were to you oh man i remember
yeah who was your hot one
who was your hot teacher uh we had a lady that had giant tits but she must have
been she literally
must have been 65 70 years old wow but we were all like dude what would you
give to just titty
fuck this lady oh none of us we were like seventh graders that's the dark arts
and that's when 9 11
happened she was the lady who broke the news to me about 9 11 no way giant tits
lady i couldn't i
remember when i was young if a teacher it was hot i couldn't even hear them
when they were talking to
me i think that's one of the reasons why i did why i had trouble learning it
sometimes in certain
classes because it's like once they oh i couldn't hear anything yeah you were
in the library smashing
your dick into books you're not gonna learn anything you're not gonna there's
no chance you're learning
yeah that's true somebody should have got a hold of you and stopped you yeah
that would have helped
i was at the library for so many hours i think at some point i had to do that
this kid's a real
bookworm yeah this kid's literally studying hard he's failing i don't know how
he's failing
he's literally worming these books over here oh and i and i and i always had i
was oh we're
allowed to drink these yeah we can drink these man that's sparkling do you mind
this is sparkling
water you want flat i don't know why i thought this was this is water we're out
drinking take
flat it was coffee it's water liquid death water yeah where's this stuff from
flint i don't know
probably yeah that's actually a good call yeah how is this not liquid death the
sanctioned water of
flint they're having a tough time oh wow um but dude nice to meet you last
night thanks for thanks
for letting us get up man yeah um we took we kind of talked a little bit
briefly about oh we had a
question what is this one sean hi theo my name's joe and i'm a big fan from
little old england
enjoying my bath and i have a question for shane um what is his opinion on age
gap relationships
um still seems to be okay with the younger woman and the older guy but not so
much the other way
around so um look forward to hearing your opinions okay bye wow that could be
one of that's somebody's
school teacher she's in the bathtub is that british asmr in a bathtub she's
asking me about
how do i feel about older women yeah what do you bring me down here to make me
come dude
no you're trying to get me hard was this a setup no i've never done a setup huh
no you invite me
over here you put on some asmr give me fucking rock hard give me some water
what are you doing
you can make me jerk off on this podcast what's that what does she want i'm out
look what's the
question no we yeah how do i feel about older ladies i've never i've never seen
that question i
never seen that woman i'm glad she's staying clean i don't know that lady
um she's attractive obviously i think she's attractive look at the suds on her
chest a
little i didn't notice that before but no we didn't bring you down here to get
anything out of
you man at all i mean just have some information i guess what if you just
masturbated onto the mic
and just left what is your question what is your question no i agree i think
yeah have you been a
yeah is that a been a ever related you older yeah i've been with older women i
like it you do yeah
yeah yeah unless uh do you guys want to talk a lot of people when they see me
they want to learn about
my sexuality really i'm a real yeah they want to ask me about sex you have that
politic you look to
me like a politician i feel like and so everybody wants to know you know kind
of what bill clinton's
really into so i think you're the closest that i've ever gotten closest to bill
clinton
yeah so far i mean height and style and like that i think uh yes older ladies
yeah sometimes when
you're with like a young hot girl you feel like i it's this is my job for this
to go well yeah but
when you get an old slut a geezer slut that's when you just let her fucking oh
i've never done that
oh what the hell lady oh those you know i mean i guess i yeah i don't know the
hell you're doing
down there lady i don't know oh yeah they really know how to pickle the onions
you know they do
that lady press my gooch oh wow fingering my taint to fire me up a little oh my
god room's going
crazy yeah and that's yeah that's our uh producer riley now he's never even
masturbated in his life
which is true and who is that riley the the you've never masturbated
give it a shot no no no you can't he's like it's too late now no he no it's not
too i don't think
it's too late i don't know hopefully he can i don't know he might have autism i
don't even know
him that well he's a great great guy and i'm glad that he's here sorry i didn't
mean to bring that up
it just kind of fell in a conversation that and uh are you doing okay riley i
am there you go you
just never masturbated nope he's he's part of a religious group and they don't
do it yeah how
what type of religion uh christian oh shit yeah i'm with you brother i'm still
firing him off
he's with you you're more of a hester print yeah i was a catholic and they
would talk to you about
coming oh okay oh i had some priests ask me about you you grew up catholic
right do you uh or no we
were like sixth baptist i think oh okay you ever get any guys talking to you
about cum we had a
professor i guess or i think then it was just a teacher you know yeah and he
would i remember he
drew a picture of a wiener ejaculating on chalkboard and it was he like kind of
described like he told us
what the feelings would be like we wouldn't be able to handle it and stuff and
then he drew it like um
he drew the the rose yeah the ejaculate just coming out it was really insane
was he like
was he like making the noise with it i remember he i do remember it was one of
those double chalkboards
here comes a big one oh he walked it i remember he would put the marker on the
board and then walk
it across the board that's crazy it was pretty crazy man and he wore the
shortest shorts too he died man
willie i think derrick ustner was his name or something and i think his son
might have died but
he died but his son died too i i'm pretty sure uh i don't want to say that but
i'm pretty sure
and he had the biggest mustache like i don't his words like i felt like his
wor