Name: Gingerbread Traphouse | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #356
Uploaded: 2021-09-01T18:59:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gingerbread Traphouse | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #356' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gingerbread Traphouse | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #356' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-01. Transcript available.

Gingerbread Traphouse | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #356

Good evening and good morning and good time, whatever time it is for you and
hello.
I want to start by just saying that my thoughts and well wishes are with
everybody who's suffering
right now from the storms, from the water, from the wreckage, from the, you
know, somebody
probably, you know, people even boating by your house, strange men boating by,
you know,
some strange man boating through your yard trying to holler at you or your son
or your
daughter or anybody, gay man or straight man or lesbian or anybody.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm just, I just, you know, or people with their power out.
I'm just saying when your yard is suddenly a water, a waterway, the perverts
can get right
up by the window.
And a little P-Rog or a little paddleboard.
You'll see a damn, a pedo on a paddleboard out there just.
So it's, you know, just different times.
It's, you know, you're dealing with a different textile.
You're dealing with water.
And, uh, and it's wild, man.
Mother nature is wild, isn't she?
You know, that's one thing we start to forget is we get so much, you know, we
have so many
apps and this and that and different control things.
And we think we can control it all.
And you forget that you're sitting, you're playing poker with, with a woman
that has a,
she has access to a deck that's, that's really, that we can, you know, we can't
buy it in stores.
Not available in stores, as they say on the, you know, the television and
whatever.
And mother nature drops that thing, you know, earth, wind, water, fire,
whatever, shooting star, you know.
She's got these, you know, she, you know, falling boulder, quicksand.
You know, mother nature has all those, you know, she can do it.
She can do so many things.
She can do something as subtle as, you know, keep a kid's kite up in the air.
Or as, as, as brutal as just drown a village.
You know?
There was one aquarium I saw somewhere, the animals in there all drowned.
The water came in there and they're like, these animals drowned.
And I'm like, what?
But that's mother nature.
I mean, she's got a batch of bad water.
She has different batches of things that we, we don't have control over.
So it's interesting when nature starts to play those cards, how real things
really can get.
And, and yeah, my thoughts are, are with anybody that's struggling or suffering
or that's lost something, you know.
And I'm looking to keep my eyes open to, uh, to be supportive in, in spaces
where, uh, where people were, have been affected.
And I'm sure a lot of you guys are as well.
So good to be back with you.
Good to be back here together.
We haven't had a solo episode in a while.
Thanks for your patience.
One of my goals this fall is to get back on a weekly, regular, you know, Monday
release date or Tuesday release date of solo episodes so that, um, we can just
kind of have, you know, a little bit of structure to our community.
And I'm looking forward to that.
But that water comes, the water.
It's such an interesting thoroughfare water.
You know, if you hold your breath, you can get down in it, but that's, you know,
that's really a limited time deal.
You know, that's real brachial.
That's as only as much as long as you can hold in your, in your lungs.
That's hella brachial.
Yeah, that water, it's a water is a, you know, it's a, it's that dip, but you
know, it's that, it's the washing off.
It's the, it's the cleansing, you know, if you're eating something, you get a
sip of water.
To kind of give you, give your mouth that little bit of restart.
You know, it's just interesting water, what it can do.
The, what would the, the, the, the, the different things we use it for.
You know, even make electricity out of it.
Who would ever thought of that?
That's wizardry.
I mean, that is wizardry.
You're looking at water and thinking, damn.
One day I'm going to watch some television off of this shit.
I mean, that's unbelievable.
To stare at a damn aquarium and be like, you know what?
One day I'm going to dry my hair.
And it's all because of this bitch, you know?
Just different times, man.
With that water in mind, man.
And with, with people that are struggling from the storm.
Let's hit this right here.
Robert Randolph and the family band, baptize me.
Come on, Bobby.
We got to get him in here one day, man.
We're going to get into it.
We're going to get into it.
Dirty water, red clay mud.
I need redemption, saved from the blood.
It'd be everlasting, immortal love.
I'm there for the waiting, my must and the blood gone.
I'm begging you please, baptize me.
Begging you please, baby, baptize me.
Come on.
I'm begging you please, baptize me.
Never seen it coming.
Let's let it go.
Lookin' at me that way.
Now I'm on my blues.
Come on.
It's eating Friday days.
Robbie Randy.
I'm a son of a preacher, man.
A small town cliche.
I never learned a devil's song.
What else can I see?
Hey!
Now I'm on my knees.
Oh, fantasy.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm down on my knees.
Baptize me.
I'm down on my knees.
Baptize me.
You know, and there's certainly like, you know, I think there's moments in my
life, even recently, man, where that's exactly where I am.
You know, I am down on my knees, man, waiting for, wanting something bigger.
Wanting something that means more.
Wanting something that, um...
Wanting something that, um...
Wanting something that, that, that, that won't wash away.
You know, I mean, if I'm real honest, that really has been where I've been
recently, man.
You know, I get tired of going in some of the same, you know, tired of some of
the same circles I go in.
Same patterns and things not adjusting.
And I want something.
I want to feel a part of something bigger than just myself.
For me, I'm finding in a world that it's where a lot of things seem to be so
self, self, self, self, that...
It's just...
I'm not sick of myself, but...
I'm realizing that the truth of...
Not the truth, but the...
Whatever, the biggest gifts of life aren't inside of me.
They're...
I don't know.
I mean, I think that's exactly where I'm at.
I think just realizing that...
That, yeah, just the more...
I don't know.
I'm just sick of myself.
It's like everything is so self.
It's just like, man.
I think the secrets and the gifts of the world...
There's just got to be something bigger than just these joys or these kind of
futile comforts of the world.
You know, of...
You know, the material world.
Because they just get me from one to the next, you know.
So, anyway, not trying to be a dour man.
But that's just a little bit of where I've been recently.
You know, just...
Just thinking of...
Of how to unlock, like, the...
Some of the cheat codes of the world.
So, I feel...
I just think there's greater gifts of greater feelings...
And greater...
Joys...
Than...
Just the ones of...
That are...
Kind of...
Material or...
Of human...
You know, I just...
I don't know.
I want to tap into something bigger, I'm feeling like.
You know.
I think that's just a little bit where I'm feeling.
And I'm not on drugs or nothing.
I'm just letting you know that.
What's going on, man?
A couple things.
I want to talk about the Netflix taping.
Out here in the Central East in Nashville.
I want to thank everybody who came to that.
You know, they spurned us at the last minute.
With everyone that had to have vaccination or PCR testing.
Or...
Or...
So, yeah.
I just wanted to thank everybody that got the test or got vaccinated or even
made fake vax cards.
I just want to thank everybody who...
Who did anything extra for me.
You know, it's just nice of you.
To...
You know, just to care enough to do those extra things.
People were sending me Instagram DMs saying,
Hey, bucko, I'm out here at the...
You know, some guy's got a thing up his nose.
And another guy...
Some guy fucking...
He said some lady put a Q-tip in his nose and went back.
And then came back and said he was fine.
And I said, That shit sounds kind of bootleg.
You know?
But whatever.
He said she was selling...
You know, Dreamcatchers and brownies as well.
I'm like, Dude, I don't know if that's sanctioned.
But...
Whatever.
You know, that was just a big surprise at the last second.
And I just want to thank everybody who came out and bared with all of what was
going on with all of that.
And if you chose not to bear with it, I want to thank you too.
Just for, you know, being willing to even try to come out in the first place.
You know, that was out of my control.
And it wasn't my choice.
And...
But we'd already gone so far.
We were so close to the performance date that I'm like, Well, what do I do?
You know...
You know, the material we got...
You know, I want to get the material out there.
And a lot of people were excited to be able to come and be there for the taping.
So, it was...
Yeah, I just want to say thank you.
Thank you to everybody that came out.
And if some people felt like, Well, I don't want to get...
You know, I don't feel like dealing with all this hoopla.
Or I don't...
I'm not vaccinated and you didn't want to come.
That's okay too.
I want to say thank you as well for your support.
You know that.
And what else?
Oh, I'll tell you this.
So, we had three shows for the taping to get it manageable and do it right.
And the first one...
You know, there was a plan to build a set on stage.
Like a background.
Like a...
You know, like a set.
If you've ever been to a church play or something.
Sometimes they got a...
They got a manger up there.
And they got a little...
You know...
They got a little camel in the manger.
And they got the three wise men.
And they got a little baby J over there.
And he might be vaping on some damn frankincense or something.
You know?
He's getting, you know, skunked out on that F-sense, baby.
You know how baby J, dude.
And so, anyway, we had got this set built.
Well, the set shows up.
Dude, this looked like...
There's these windows at the back of the Ryman Auditorium.
And it's a beautiful venue.
If you've never seen it, I mean...
Dude, you even walk through there.
Somebody spits on you.
It almost counts as a baptism.
If you're talking to somebody who's kind of juiced up in the jowls.
And they...
Just one little dobble of saliva just hits you.
And lands on you.
I mean, the places...
It used to be a church.
And now it is a famous performance venue.
And it seats, I think, 2,000.
So we had 6,000 people come out over two days.
And so, thank you so much.
And, anyway, so we had...
They have these beautiful windows at the back.
Stained glass windows.
And beautiful.
And stained glass.
And so, we were getting fake ones made or replicas put onto stage to make it
kind of resemble the whole vibe.
And this shit looked like a children's.
It looked like a candy village.
Like a...
It looked like a dang...
It looked like a trap house for like a pedophile.
It looked like a gingerbread house.
Like a gingerbread trap house.
That's what the windows looked like, man.
They were so bad.
So, right when I got there, I was like, this is the...
This is what we put together?
So, man.
And that first show, Friday night, people were drunk.
There was these awful chicks up front who were just the worst.
If you're the worst, don't come.
Don't come.
So, that was pretty hellish, man.
And, yeah, it was just...
There was nobody was keeping tabs on the crowd.
People were yelling.
One kid came out the closet at the top of his lungs.
You know, he's just laughing.
He's like, I'm gay!
Like, what the fuck?
What the fuck, Henry?
You know, his buddies are like, chill out, Henry!
Have a beer, you know?
Your wife will pick you up in an hour, man.
Tighten up!
So, we just...
You know, there was just AWOL in there.
And the stage...
So, the next day, the next afternoon,
which was Saturday afternoon,
the man came to get the stage things.
I helped him throw the pieces out.
I threw them out into the parking lot.
It was...
This was the worst shit.
It was like somebody...
It was like whoever designed, like,
the stuff at your middle school.
You know?
I can't...
You know?
It was bad.
It was really bad.
And the guy...
I even spoke with the guy
