Name: All Rise | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #358
Uploaded: 2021-09-08T14:11:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'All Rise | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #358' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'All Rise | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #358' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-08. Transcript available.

All Rise | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #358

Today's episode is brought to you by Liquid Death.
All right. All rise.
That's what they say sometimes. You know, if I was
at a... working at a courthouse, I would probably say that a lot.
All rise. Somebody says it. I don't know who.
Or if I worked at a bakery and I was like
in there by myself all night.
Maybe I'd dress up in like a judge's... The judge, that's who says it.
So if I worked at a bakery, maybe I would dress up in like a judge's outfit.
Because I know a girl named Gwendolyn.
She works at a bakery and
she's in there by herself.
If you want to kill somebody, dude, which you shouldn't,
obviously, but if you wanted to, a baker is...
They get there at like 2.30 or 3.
They're in there baking.
Wearing aprons. Sexy.
You know?
But anyway, I don't condone any of that kind of behavior.
But what I'm saying is if you were a baker,
you could put on a judge's outfit
and get right up by the oven by the glass
and be like,
all rise!
That's what I would do.
I mean, I'd be so damn bored.
You're in there all night.
Just looking at bread, bruh.
Just breading around.
Doing that French bread where they braid the bread.
Whatever that is.
Dude, we had a handicapped brother by us growing up, this dude.
I don't remember what his name was.
I don't even know.
He might not have had a name.
And...
They would, um...
And his legs, something...
He didn't have any bones on his legs or whatever.
And they would braid his legs around each other.
They had...
You know, he was paraplegic.
And his legs were a corn road.
And they still had some dope-ass sneakers on the end of them.
So...
Diversity, babe.
You feel me?
Diversity.
Let's get into it.
All rise!
I'm just sitting on your front porch
Wondering how could I be so far from my home
Ramon.
Welcome back.
And my mind is somewhere else
But when I find it
I'll patch up where it's been
Blown
Now I'm just floating on the breeze
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves
I must be
Connisone
Oh, but when I reach that ground
I'll share this peace of mind
I found I can feel it
In my bones
In my bones, baby
But it's gonna take a little time
For me to set that parking brake
And let myself unwind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my story
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I will sing it just for you
All rise!
I'm upstairs!
If you need me, baby
I'm upstairs!
Man, that's one thing that's real magical about
Just the greatest excuse ever on earth
Your wife needs you
Somebody needs you
A kid
Your wife's kid
You're a kid
Also
And you're like
I'm upstairs!
Okay?
Dad, I need
I'm upstairs!
The ultimate get out of jail free card
If they ever even put me on trial
Speaking of judges and rising and all of that
If they ever put me on trial
They'd be like
Did you do it?
I'd be like
I was upstairs, guys
Okay?
Have you ever been upstairs?
Okay, I was upstairs
I'm upstairs
They're like, sir, were you at the scene of the crime?
We found your footprints
You found what?
I was upstairs
You should have an upstairs on your house
Even
In case you ever
And somebody dies at your house
Okay?
And it's probably gonna be either
Your wife or husband
If you have a gay husband
And
Because there's not a lot
You know
That's really
If somebody kills somebody
And I'm not saying to do any of this
But if somebody kills somebody
That's who they kill
They kill the
You know
The person that
They used to do sex with
Usually
And
Anyway
But you gotta have the upstairs
Because otherwise
There's no
You know
Where I was downstairs
Then
Bro, you qualify
You really
You right
You right there
You localated around the crime, baby
You know that
What's going on?
Not much
Per the usual
You know
I was in
La Jolla
This weekend
Which means
I don't even know what it means
La Jolla
La Jolla
The Hoyas
The Hoyas
I don't know
Maybe George
People that
People that went to Georgetown
Or something
I don't know
The Hoyas
Yeah
I was in the Hoyas
And
First of all
My favorite comedy club there
Trying to get the new
Tour
The new
Material on track
So many people came out
Man
And it was fun
Dude
And it was fun
Just learning
Like the first show
It just
It kind of built
Over the weekend
So in the first show
It was a little bit
I didn't know the order
I wanted some of the jokes
To be in
Some of the stories
You know
I'm trying to remember
And I'm trying to record
And write down the notes
After
And it matters
My mood
To it
My mood
Is a certain type of way
Then
I'm not going to do
As well
You know
My
I want to be in a good mood
So my material comes off
In a good mood
You know
That's Paramount
Or Tantamount
I don't know which one it is
It's Paramount or Tantamount
Tantamount
Tantamount
Sounds like
She's a little thick
You know what I'm saying
But Paramount
Sounds like
She
She's definitely
She went to Juvie
For sure
She went to Juvie
And she definitely
Dated a couple brothers
You know what I'm saying
Gang
Gang
Boy
Beige power
Son
But anyway
So
Yeah
It was
Dude
But it was so much fun
It's just such a fun spot
To perform
Because the room is so simple
It's a simple room
And
And
There's no like
They're not selling a bunch of
Riblets or whatever
A bunch of
You know
Grilling up a fucking Lunchable
Or trying to
You know
Get you over on some bullshit
They got two items in there
Three items actually
Drinks
Popcorn
Comedy
That's it
And usually
They have a piano up front
The guy
I don't think he died
I thought he died
But they said he didn't die
But
I'm like
If he's not dead
Then where is he
Because it's an older guy
And
Luis is his name
Beautiful guy too
He's got a wife
Or he had a wife
I don't know
What's going on with him
But
And she's a comedian
And she's a comedian
As well
And she's got some
Bangers on her
She's got them
Them front yams
Baby
You know what I'm saying
Them
All rise
All rise
Boy
I'd love to stay right
Through the glass
At them bad boys
You know
I'm all upstairs
Dude
Bro
Them things
You'll be upstairs
If you stand on them
You know
But she's
And anyway
I don't even know
What I'm saying
But
But he plays
The piano
Usually up there
And what I like
About that
As opposed to
A lot of clubs
They're pumping in
Like
You know
Freddie Mercury
Or
Who's that other guy
That's like
Freddie Mercury
Jerry somebody
The little guy
He's like
And the song
Might not have been theirs
You know
You want it
What's that song
Shit
I don't know
Anyway dude
They play the piano
In there
Bruno Mars
They play the piano
In there
That's what I
Wrote
Not Freddie Mercury
I was thinking
You know
I went Mercury
Mars
That's where I was
Trying to get
Mars
Bruno Mars
Zuh
Bruno Mars
And he
Anyway
A lot of clubs
Pump that in there
But at the
La Jolla Comedy Store
They play the piano
So when you sit down
As a
You go there
As a clientele
It feels like
You're there
For a piece of art
You hear piano
You're like
Oh this is a
This has an artistic
Feel to it
So
I really like that
I really like that
And man
I just
So much love
Out of that area
Out of San Diego
And the city
Dude
I know
San Diego
San Diego
Dude
Without Diego
I guess it means
You know
And I don't know
If he's a missing person
Or what
That whole deal
What happened
You know
He's basically
Probably
He's like the male
Natalie Holloway
Of Southern California
I guess
Or whatever
But
But San Diego
I don't know
If there's a better
City out there
I really don't
You go
You're outside
There's people
Walking by
It's diverse
But this
The vibe
Everything can happen
We went to
The Padres game
Bro
Went to watch
The Dres over there
And dude
It's everything
Going on
There's some lady
You could join
You could join
MS-13
In one area
There's people
That are like
MS-14
Through 18
Like the
Like high school
Group of it
Or whatever
You know
There's MS-30
It's like dudes
That are still alive
Barely
But they
Aren't in the gang
Anymore
And they're
Face painting
Like friars
On kids cheeks
Over there
And like
They all got
Dogs from the government
To help them feel better
And they got
What else
Dude
You could buy
Jewelry
You could catch
A home run
They got people
I mean
They got a booth
Over there
You could get
Breastfed horchata
If you want
They got beers
Water
Dude
It's just
Everything is going on
You could buy a grill
You could get
Barbacoa
Just so much
They had
Well they discontinued
The kiss cam
Because of COVID
Which is like
Dude
Come on
Bro
You know
It should be
You bring somebody
You don't want to be with
Or don't really like
And you got to kiss them
Land them lips on them
So
But dude
It's just a beautiful place
If you haven't been
To see us
A game there
To watch the
Drays play
Baby
I don't know
And then
This boy
They got
This man
Used to be a boy
Hits a
Cronenworth
I think
Larry Cronenworth
I think
Bro
Or Lawrence
Maybe
I don't know
What his full name was
But
Bro
Bottom of the ninth
I'm upstairs
Bro
All rise
Bro
The place went
Bananas
Dude
I mean
Just
Full potassium
Dog
People were losing
Their shit
Somebody gave birth
To the baby
And put it back in
Dude
So she could finish
Watching the
End of the game
People were
Hyped
Everybody in there
Just wearing these
Necklaces
These spinners
They got
I mean
It's
It's everything
And they just do
Such a good
Production
Of doing the game
You feel like
You're having fun
Dude
The guy gave me
A free franc
At the franc
Center
Free francs
Free francs
Dude
And then
One of the
A beautiful part
For me
Was I went
To get
To look at
The barbacoa
Store
And the guy
Working there
One of the guys
Working at the
Ballpark
Was coming to the
Show that night
So he's like
Bro I'm coming to
See you tonight
And man
It was just
Awesome
Just so much
Love there
I just felt
I personally
Personally felt
So loved
And
And just a
Good time
Man
A good time
I stayed
I stayed
At a hotel
That was
A
Dump
Dump
I wouldn't
Have minded
If it wasn't
High priced
You know
It was like
The last room
In town
Dude at one point
The guy came
To my room
And asked me
If I had a
Wrench
Bro
Some guy
Working there
Asked me
If I had a
Wrench
I guess
Just
You know
That's
I think
It's cultural
Appropriation
You know
Just cause
How I look
Whatever
The guy
Was like
Hey man
Can I borrow
A wrench
Like what
Like dude
Can I borrow
Some clean water
So I can put it
In the swimming pool
Oh
There was like
Hair coming up
There was a
Loch Ness
Monster in that
Bitch dog
And even
He wasn't doing
Well
He had
COVID
I think
And I don't
Like to bag on
Place
I love a
Hampton Inn
You know
But this
Place man
It was just
I don't know
What the
The staff
Was all nice
I'm not saying
That but
It just
I would not
Stay at this
Joint
Just some
Dicey stuff
They said
It's haunted
I was like
Dude
It's
I don't know
If that's
Haunted
I think
It's just
The
I mean
My room
Smelled
Like
My room
Smelled
Like it
Had definitely
Been haunted
By somebody
Doing dumps
In it
Somebody
Doing
You know
Who's that
Guy
With no
Head
Or whatever
Ichabod
Crane
Bro
Like he
Was doing
Dumps
Or horses
Were
Something
Definitely
Nice place
Looks good
In pictures
Bro
But
Anyway
I shouldn't
Really be
Complaining
About that
Oh
What else
I got to
Go on
Jocko
Willink's
Podcast
That was
Interesting
You know
You know
Actually
You know what
I'm going to
Talk about
That
Let me
Talk about
We had
Some responses
You guys
Called in
About some
Responses
To last
Week's
Episode
Some
Thoughts
That you
Had on
Different
Things
And I
Want to
Get into
Those
And I
Also
Want to
Let
Let
You
Know
Though
That
Bridge
Credit
Solutions
Is
Different
And this
Is
True
Man
This
Is
A
Company
That
Helped
Me
I
Was
I
Was
Trying
To
Get
A
Home
I
Was
Trying
To
Buy
A
Home
And
Be
A
Home
Owner
You
Know
And
A
Home
Owner
Like
Land
And
Stuff
Like
That
Not
Like
Somebody
Trying
To
Love
Men
That
Is
Men
So
I
Got
Hooked
Up
With
This
Company
Through
A
Friend
Of
Mine
From
Recovery
Actually
And
They
My
Credit
Had
Bad
Dings
On
It
I
Forgotten
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Pay
A
Couple
Things
Bro
I
Forgotten
To
Pay
For
I
Missed
Some
Payments
On
The
Television
And
I
Missed
Some
Payments
On
I
Missed
About
Seven
Payments
On
A
On
A
Honda
Accord
So
Anyway
Bridge
Credit
Solutions
Is
Different
They
Are
Backed
With
100%
Money
Back
Guarantee
For
Any
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They
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That
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From
Your
Cred