Name: Swipe Society | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #363
Uploaded: 2021-10-21T12:59:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Swipe Society | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #363' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Swipe Society | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #363' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-21. Transcript available.

Swipe Society | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #363

all right check check chicken charlie
chicken charlie charlie cheese chimpanzee
charlie chaplin the chimpanzee chocolate chip chuckling
those are all chill words a lot of time if you're doing microphone audio if
they if you
communicating through a microphone or uh you know somebody you got a man
listening somewhere or a
woman or lesbian a lot of time they'll say can you give me a sound check and
people will say mike
check charlie check charlie they want to cha sounds they want a certain sound a
certain sound
i guess a certain sound does a certain thing
a certain sound lets you know it's a certain
siren it's a certain warning a certain sound
you know i'll make a certain sound different times like if uh
if i
if i'm looking for something i can't find it
if i'm if i if i'm i went out to the car
and i got in it and i do not have something i need i have to go back inside
jesus christ
and that's when look i could have never been jesus christ dude he had to walk
all those stairs or
whatever with the um i don't even know what he had like a uh big piece of
furniture on his back
or something i don't even know i gotta reread it but uh
i couldn't dude i'll leave anything inside and he did like a thousand steps or
something
i'll leave anything inside
i literally would rather eat one of my own nuts out of my uh
nut bag then i have to go back in and get it
but i'll be like girl that's a sound i make sometimes
and i'll go back and i have to unlock the door i'm like i gotcha
then i will i will yell where are where where are you where where would you put
that
i will yell at myself so even
and it's something small usually like my dang
it could be i got a new cbd vapor it's cbd it's vaping but it's non-addictive
and
uh it's laser lime
so that's where i'm at mentally and emotionally but that's a sound you know a
different sound is
something that comes out of a different thing
yeah
trying to think when i would make that sound
yeah
oh
that's if you're changing a diaper or something you get duty on you or
something
or if you touch duty somewhere
my friend used to do this trick
and uh
and he passed away but he uh
when he was alive he used to do this little
little kind of trick i guess you would call it and i don't want to be
unprofessional or whatever but it would be like a little he'd say hey man catch
and he'd have a
little dog uh
little duty in his hand little
a dog had done a little uh a little turd work or whatever
a little booty little booty and he would he'd be like hey hey bud you left this
and he'd say
something like that and throw it over to you and you'd catch it you didn't know
what it was
and uh
it was something that had come out of a dog's
bottom usually
usually fessies or something but anyway um
man good to be here with you guys today and i'm really i'm feeling good today
and i'm grateful you're here
and i want to thank um
i want to remind you to support the netflix special it's out now you can check
it out
uh it's on netflix channel platform
so you can see it get on there
i've been meaning to watch also made on there
um but i haven't seen that yet
um
and
yeah i'm glad it's out i'm glad that it's done
um
you know it was tough because the material was ready a few years ago
and then
the uh
the pandemic and so there's been this real
but it's like everything supply chain that's what they call it
dude the other day i'm trying to buy some cupcake
and i said hey man let me get a couple halloween uh
little cupcakes off you you know what i'm saying and the guy back there
honestly i'm not gonna say it's
it's a gay guy working back there
and as a straight guy it's
i'm grateful that the guy is selling cupcakes i'm grateful anybody's selling
them
the fact that somebody even thought of saying hey let's take a big cake and
make it small
so daddy could have a ham a little sugar at lunch god that makes me oh
that that that's the sound i make when i hear that oh that's sort of jewish ejaculation
sort of oh
um
but what was i talking about
oh yeah it's just tough and then the guy's like i just want to tell you you
know we've had a lot of supply
chain issues with the food coloring
and i'm like dude
dude i will literally poke my gums with a needle and spit in that white
frosting right now
i'll do that three times we will get it to orange
and you can i see he was just making conversation and i i i start to see how
women feel
about men hitting on them
because you can't even find a woman working the cupcake area anymore
it's a lot of men on men you know it's a lot of sugar boys back there
and i'm here for it i support it i'm you know i want everybody
to live their best life but dang and then the guy's like well let me go
let me get your number and i'll let you know if we have anything coming in like
dude i don't need uh some guy texting me at night saying we got you know green
you know i'm saying we got all the fall colors like i'm not trying to roll over
in my bed
and get that hey just got a little you know don't want to alarm you just got a
little you know
just got a little visine thing full of yellow you know i'm saying like just
it just
but that's life life is that full circle
life's that full circle man
you kick a ball in a handicapped kid
40 years later bruh
he'll stab you with a knife at a damn uh
at a um what's that place called piccadilly cafeteria
that's that's how it works so
oh
there's i like this it's just different sounds you make
oh i wear a lot
i like the different sounds that we have in us there's a lot of them you know
if you if you pet a dog and he don't walk off god i love that god i love that
if if you pet a dog and he stay right there and let you do it god you turn into
a dang pedophile baby
you know what i'm saying boy you get that wowser on that schnauzer baby
mm you just he keeps letting you do it you get that little
that glee shine on that v shine baby
that is when god that's when you feel god working when you pet a dog
a strange dog a miscellaneous dog baby
and it lets you keep petting
oh make you want to kick a fat kid at kmart you know what i'm saying praise god
baby um
um but i just want to say thank you for supporting me in comedy so
and i i am glad that that we got the show on the air now and you can see where
you watch netflix
on your phone or whatever and tell your friends tell your wife you know what i'm
saying they're ripping
everybody out here um all right let's get into it baby let's get into it got a
nice episode for
you here today and uh i'm happy to be alive and i'm happy you're alive and i
mean that and if nobody's
told you that today boom somebody has
we got our boy eddie nine volts
about to get electrocuted
i'm gonna come up
it feels so good to have a brand new view
it feels so good to have a brand new view
i just jumped up to lucky street
when the mayor came and said to me come on a comma
you're gonna come up
i'm gonna come up
i'm gonna come up
i'm running
ain't gonna raise a run
and that right there
that right there is eddie 9v on the come up
oh that song lifts me i feel lifted
i feel lifted
i want to thank david freeze
for this beautiful jersey man
you know the st louis cardinals they let me out there on a ball game on a ball
game field
and i'm bad luck usually on a ball game field
you put me in a game you lose or somebody gets down
you know asthma attacks i remember they put me in a game once and five kids had
asthma attacks
and the police showed up and somebody busted some woman for having a
you know fake handicapping a kid sometimes they used to
they make one of the kids be retarded or mentally ill just to get that money
that dummy check
you would see it a lot in the poor community a lot in the urban community you'd
see them have a child
that they didn't let go to school and they keep him out of school so he don't
learn anything
but every now and then you know and since he don't know anything he he he get
that check
six hundred dollar a month three hundred dollars i think at the time
and uh they put a neck brace on them every now and they wheel them out to a
sporting event or
something so people in town could see him whoever it was or her
you know when the kid out there they have you know one time the damn
it's usually like foster parents sometimes but sometimes it's people's
own parents you know family to say look we're not doing that good
we ain't making much money we got four or five kids
let's keep one of them away from the school and put that neck brace on them
and they wheel them out on the dolly to daddy sometime i remember wheeling this
one kid out
you know this boy long they call him long tommy because he he was long he had
long as hell you
you could barely see him if you tickled his foot it took probably four seconds
for him to know you
know what was happening for him to get even a gig a lot of them
so you could damn you know you could almost burn off one of his toes if you you
know if you were really
cruel and i wasn't you know i'm grateful to god for that i didn't have that
cruel to me where i'm
burning burning children's tarsals or whatever but um what was i talking about
oh but the daddy
sometimes would wheel him out there on a damn dolly a damn you know home depot
dolly and just prop him
out so people in the community could see him oh they still got him he's alive
you know and then uh
that was just part of the whole deal and then you get the money for 350 a month
i think it went up to
almost 400 when i was young now i don't now they give you money for anything
you know what i'm saying
somebody patted you on the back too hard to give you 70 dollars 80 dollars you
know somebody you know
spray painted uh you know uh on your car or something to give you you know
government give
you to give you 75 bucks 60 60 dollars so different times uh but what i'm
saying is he gave me this
real jersey from the world series dude not poker either i'm talking the real
one baby that big one
and uh and that's awesome man it's just so nice of him to be so gifting like
that and and the cardinals
made a beautiful run this year and they didn't get it done and uh so anyway i
just wanted to show some
homage to them and to st louis that was a loud show that st louis show damn if
you were at that thing
there was people somebody people gestating in the back
some lady back there uh you know just people loud in the audience some lady
having a real a violent uh
menstrual cycle you hear i mean just really i mean just damn full moon and
right out of her damn vagina
just a dark art people in there people with damn some dude had a uh something
stuck in his throat
up kazoo or something for half the show you just hear
damn what is even going on in here but but still grateful people came out there's
been a lot of
good shows recently i i haven't seen you guys in a while uh on a solo episode
um and so i wanted to
come this week and make sure we got one in uh you know what's been happening we
went to wilkes buyer
and dams oh i get into town some guy give me a uh railroad tie piece of iron
i'm eating out my outside having me a little sandwich out there about a
thoroughfare
out there and this actually this was in uh delaware
in delaware dude if you wanna if you wanna see people fist fighting
um and nobody wins
then you gotta go to wilmington delaware's baby uh
delaware delaware i don't know what that's spanish for
where i'm gonna look that up what does where mean in english
pottery de la pottery so the day of pottery
uh the day of pottery i guess it means well damn whoever
there was a lot of bulls in the china shop because there was a lot of broken
around there but um
good area though uh it was a good good good area good people good people that
came out
um a lot of diversity came out everybody's damn you know uh damn judeo uh
african atali atal yerman they gotta you know atal yermanese everybody's african
atal yermanese
out there it's all damn you know everybody has a twin that's been killed it's
just a there's a lot
of uh you're not surprised to have a weapon and some man gave me a weap