Name: Rise Up Lights | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #365
Uploaded: 2021-11-03T23:04:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rise Up Lights | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #365' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rise Up Lights | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #365' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

Rise Up Lights | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #365

Good evening, you little Turkish game hens.
Remember Turkish game hen?
I remember my mother went on a date or something one time.
She'd met a man and they got married years later and he was a...
He did a...
He ran a corn-operated car wash.
You know, you could pat him on the back and hear the quarters in him.
That kind of guy, you know, local guy.
And I remember they...
I guess, I don't know, he invited us over to his house like the first time he
ever invited us over.
Mr. Charlie, they called him Big Charlie.
They called him that right up until he died.
And...
What was I talking about?
Oh, I'll tell you this.
So, Big Charlie, he had us over for some Turkish game hen.
Turkish game hen, is that it?
Is it turkis?
Turkis?
What's that color?
Turquoise game hen.
Turquoise game hen, no.
Turkish game hen.
Turkish game hen.
Three sounds.
He had us over for some Turkish game hen.
Turkish game hen.
Say that ten times fast, huh?
Turkish game hen.
Turkish game hen.
Turkish game hen.
Oh, I just...
This gal that I know told me that if you say rise, rise up lights, it sounds
like razor blades in Australian.
Rise up lights.
Try it.
I bet you will laugh if you do try it.
Rise up lights.
Rise up lights.
Rise up lights.
Have you been...
What have you been doing?
You've been having some rise up lights?
Rise up lights.
You're gonna just walk into a hardware store later and be like, rise up lights.
But yeah, big Charlie.
He had us over for some Turkish game hen.
I mean, damn, we're poor as hell.
And you bring us over for these little fancy ass, you know, little French
pigeons, man.
These bitches...
I mean, the shoulder muscles.
I remember the shoulders were just so like that deltoid.
And I remember sitting in it just trying to look nice like we'd never been over
there.
And we had...
I don't know if my mom had made them.
Just...
Just trying to be outside of our means, you know.
Like, damn, give me a damn McNugget, baby, you know.
Give me a damn hot...
Hot dog.
You know, give me something that I could...
That'll...
You know, my stomach is even gonna recognize.
You send this little bad little...
This little money pigeon in.
This little Turkish game hen in.
My system doesn't know what to...
You know.
That's like when a realtor, you know, walks into a homeless camp.
You know what I'm saying?
It's gonna be a little...
What are you...
This is...
You know.
What are you...
Why are you in here?
But Big Charlie had us over there for them Turkish game hens.
And then...
And then years later, he would die.
But at the...
But I remember just seeing that little pigeon.
Be like, I felt bad eating it.
It looked like a damn little sarcophagus of a damn...
You know, a famous bird or something.
You know, maybe one of those birds that had been in World War II.
Those little...
You ever see the pigeon with the little backpack on it?
That's when we could use pigeons as spies.
Remember that?
I went to the museum over there in Philadelphia.
Over there where they...
City of brotherly love, man.
And they got some brothers that beat the love right out of you too.
If you're out there near Temple late at night.
But...
What are we talking about?
Oh.
I'm going to fill it out here.
Yeah, that little turkey.
Oh, I went to the spy museum.
And they showed the pigeons in there with the backpack.
And that's when animals used to do something.
You know, you used to see animals doing work.
Seeing eye dog.
Spy pigeon.
What else?
Those...
Cola bears.
Those...
Coca-Cola...
Coke...
You know, the...
Polar...
The Coke bears.
Them bitches up there.
Test driving that freaking sugar...
That sugar sipper.
So you and I don't have to.
They up there on that...
In the Arctic.
That's a job they can do.
If they hired humans to go up there, we would...
You know, we wouldn't even be able to keep this shit warm.
A polar bear, they hold something in their hand.
It'll...
You know...
Keep it so warm.
They'll melt the damn chocolate if it's in its hand.
You can't...
A polar bear can't even hold the chocolate.
That's sad, man.
Polar bear can't even hold the chocolate because it just...
It'll just do too much heat through it.
You'll have a little thing of chocolate soup in your hand.
But R.I.P. Big Charlie, man.
He had us over for those game hands and fancy-ass little...
You know, I didn't...
I felt damn sad eating that little bitch.
It looked like a damn newborn chicken.
It just looked like it had never had a chance, you know.
That thing was built real small and just...
The deltoids on it.
I remember it looked like Floyd Mayweather.
The little bitch looked like damn...
Sugars Ray Leonard, man.
Look like damn Sugars Ray Leonard, baby.
I'll say this, man.
The other day I saw a guy in a...
I want to be honest with you.
I want to be honest.
The other day I saw a guy in a...
Leather jacket at a Mexican restaurant.
If you wear a leather jacket at a Mexican restaurant, well you can just stay
away from me.
You can stay away from me.
You can stay away from me.
Because I don't need that kind.
Halloween is over and I don't need to see no more.
The damn Pandora's box escapees running around.
If you wear a leather jacket to a Mexican restaurant, you can stay away from me.
Do you hear that?
Because I feel like some of you don't hear.
If you wear a leather jacket to a Mexican restaurant, you can stay away from me.
Because I am a better man than that.
Let's get into it, baby.
Thank you guys for being here with me today.
And thank you for being a part of my life.
I'm upstairs.
Come on.
We coming up, baby.
Eddie Ninevolt.
I'm on a come up.
Yeah.
Feels real good after I've been so blue.
Mm-hmm.
He's on a come up.
I'm on a come up.
It feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's on a come up.
Come on, Eddie.
Well, I just broke up with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love in you.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, yeah, you're on a come up.
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street when I made a game.
And said to me, you're on a come up.
You're on a come up.
And it's plain to see between you and me.
We got so much lovin' and chemistry.
It's on a come up.
It's on a come up.
And I ain't gonna runnin' and I ain't gonna runnin'.
He's on a come up.
That's Eddie Nine V, Eddie Ninevolt with the come up.
And there we are, coming up into November.
Man, November.
That was always an interesting time of year when I was young after Halloween
had gone.
There was so much big energy heading into Halloween.
You know, what are you gonna be?
What, you know, where, where, where are you going?
How do we, is there gonna be candy?
Is there, you know, I don't have any face paint.
I remember we'd come home and just basic, I remember, you know, sometimes we
didn't plan ahead at my house.
And obviously nobody planned ahead if they had four children and, you know, and
the dad was in his 70s.
There was very little planning going on.
But as child, as a child, we didn't, you know, we just, so sometimes we'd get
home for, it would be the day, the night of Halloween.
We'd get home and we didn't have anything.
No preparatory.
You know, my mom had bought Raggedy Andy costumes one year.
And so those bitches were going around, you know, and then it was, I remember
we cut the, it was Raggedy Ann.
Those are the ones mom had bought or dad had bought.
And then we cut the hair on them bastards one time.
So we, next thing you know, you Raggedy Ann.
Now you Raggedy Andy.
We cut them bitches real, you're a little soft in the cheeks, kind of glistening
cheeks, Raggedy Andy.
G-cheeking.
And then we cut the hair even more, you know, and then you kind of trans Andy.
You trans, you know, you rat, you know, you, you Tragedy.
You know, you out there, you don't even know, put the, put it in the bag, put
it in my hand, you know.
I'll balance, you know, who, you're doing the, you know, that's the Lord's
shell game right there.
Baby, you out there transing out.
And then they, I remember, I think my brother burned the hair off the damn
thing.
So then you got there, you cancer, or chemo Andy.
You chemo Andy now.
Now you, you know, I remember we do a fake IV into the arm.
One year my, I did chemo Andy and my brother did, he was like a pastor, like
the, the death.
You know, the, you know, the last pastor, you see that little death, that
little death bouncer.
You know, that little, the guy who's like kind of, a little, kind of a creepy
position.
I'm going to come over while you die.
You know what I'm saying?
That's a little, you know, kind of the Mike Tyson of the pastor kingdom.
I feel like he's like, I'm going to put you to sleep.
Speaking of death, liquid death right here.
Oh, oh, murder your thirst.
Yeah, but I remember that.
And then, uh, yeah, we'd be out, you know, it's just funny.
The evolution of a costume.
You see a lot.
You would see in our area, our home.
Um, what else?
Yeah, but it's interesting.
You come into this time of year and now it's like this mad dash to Christmas.
I literally feel like there's a starting line in there.
Everybody's just like, Christmas, Christmas.
And there's going to be one water table where you stop and get a cup of water.
That's Thanksgiving.
And then it's, it's just a mad dash to the end of the year.
Um, but I do like the, the weather in the air getting crisp.
You know, this, when I was young, this is the time of year you'd see a lot of
stray animals come through.
Cause they'd be done partying for the summer or done, you know, out, you know,
some of them would have maybe, I guess, been, I guess, in the mountains for the
summer.
I don't know where, I guess an animal trying to stay cool would be in the
mountains.
So I guess they come down from the mountains at that time of year during winter
to stay, to get into a house or to stay warm, you know, to stay at the same,
you know, stay at a good, healthy, uh, room temperature, but outdoor room porch.
Uh, so anyway, you see a lot of animals, stray animals come through and I love
a stray animal.
You don't see them anymore.
You know, back in the day, animals used to be brave enough, like, all right,
you know, I'm
having a good time here, mom and dad, you know, I'm going to go out and try out
the universe.
You know, I'm going to put my backpack on or my front pack if they, you know,
however they
traveled or whatever.
And, and then I'm a good out, you know, I'm going to get out and try out the
world.
I'm going to do well, you know, I'll make you proud.
You know, I'm going to be an extra in babe, pig in the city.
You know, I'm going to be an extra in Madagascar.
You know, the animals, you'd see, you'd see a stray animal come through.
You'd see something pass by, you know, a little Chimpanieba or something.
You know, you'd see a little, uh, you know, you'd see a little monkey with
maybe a little, you know, he'd
have a little pail or something inside of it would be like a little Bichon.
You know, you'd see stray animals come through and a stray animal was, it was
like the Lewis
and Clark of animals.
You know, you don't know where that bitch had been.
You know, you'd like, what's going on, buddy?
Tell me where, you know, give me some, what's happening.
He's got a Narcan, he's got Narcan needle in his chest.
He's, you know, he's got a tattoo of a Frisbee on his arm.
He's been through.
He's like, yeah, I was at the park, man.
They closed the parks.
They closed the parks.
Anyway, what am I talking about?
I don't know.
Who does know?
Who does know?
But I do like this time of year.
You know, you see, because winter's coming, so animals need to make a choice.
That's why nature chooses to do a few things.
You know, the trees go to sleep inside themselves.
The leaves fall off.
It's kind of naughty.
It's like the tree's saying, all right, I'm going to get naked, but I'm going
to shut it down.
I'm going to sleep.
You're like, damn, come on.
Stay up for an hour.
You know what I'm saying?
Let me climb them branches, mom.
Let me climb them branches, mama.
What else?
Thank you, everybody, for supporting the Netflix special that's out.
It's been nice.
I'm looking in the news rig