Name: Hug Machine | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #368
Uploaded: 2021-11-24T20:30:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hug Machine | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #368' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hug Machine | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #368' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-24. Transcript available.

Hug Machine | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #368

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happy holidays there to you and yours ah you can kind of feel the year it's
kind of exhaling a little
you know and and that's where i'm at i'm hoping to be at
i can't tell if if i'm like if i'm about to be an ember or i'm about to be a
fire
you know it's that kind of year you know i want to slither into some comfort
that's what i want i want to just just put my whole body in a damn slipper
you know but at the same time things amp up you know commercialism is it's that
time of year
really commercialism amp up you know you say everybody get this get this deal
you need a deal
boy damn it you need a deal don't you need a deal somebody stab you and give
you a 15 off coupon
for an emt just you know i feel like it's just a voodoo doll for commercialism
they just get you hear you
don't you want this two for one six for seven damn it
don't you need a shiffer robe don't you need a wheelchair like i'm walking who
cares dang it buy it
it's just that time of year you know is you see somebody put a damn uh a 30 off
coupon into a damn
uh
what's that like a hole for a body for dead for dead
into a somebody dead they put a casket or whatever somebody put a damn 30 off
into a casket
like what that dude's dead that dude's a hundred he's a hundred percent off and
he he's a hundred
percent off of life and you trying to hit him with that 30 percent yeah man
come on so it's you know here we are um let's start off with a uh with a phone
call i'm grateful to be here with you
hey theo what's going on um i've called him once before my name is will um i
just wanted to apologize
you know right off the bat because um i did it
i wore a leather jacket to a mexican restaurant last week um i took my mom
well look will
willy willy
you don't wear a leather jacket to a mexican restaurant
who are you brother huh
who are you abraham lincoln dude huh tony hawk who are you
you don't do it you took your mother i don't care
if you taking little red riding out riding lady i don't care if you got i don't
care if you if
goldilocks if she's all ambient up and you got her out that bear trap house
you got her in there
imagine somebody sees you're in there okay somebody sees you your mother the
fajita smoke goes by right
it looks like the you know the uh the peppers are on there just blowing winston's
just
and then they see you and your mom you leather jacketed up
and to the because the perception is you some young buck you some young drug
buck
that's hammering down that's hammering cat on this old lady
you out here hammering cat out here and bringing her out to some
yeah
i'll tell you this if god returns when he returns he will not you will not you
might find you might find him at a cantina
but he will not be wearing leather and you know it ask your heart
and you know it
oh life is a salad baby and the lord is my vinaigrette son let's get into it
gang
this is robert finley get it while you can
get it while you can
wrap it up in bacon
and get it while you can get it and get it while you can get it and get it
while you can get it
I did not know the dealer, but I sure didn't know his daughter. But if I hadn't
chased the yard, I never would have caught her. You gotta take it when you get
it. Get it while you can.
We'll wrap it up in bacon. Come in. Get it. Get it. Get it when you can.
There you go right there. That is Robert Finley. Get it while you can.
Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
You know, I hope this is a time of year where, you know, where you can fill
your cup up.
You know, sometimes I think my cup is a pitcher. And I'll keep pouring.
Who wants a sip? You get a sip. You get a sip. You get a sip. Hell, I'll pour.
I'll pour a plant. I'll pour a person. Who wants a cup?
You know, and I forget that. Sometimes, you know, my cup's not even full. There's
nothing even in.
And I'm still out there.
Just drip dropping on people.
And so I gotta remember to take time to make sure that I'm doing things to keep
my cup full.
You know, that I'm putting joy in my own life.
So I can, so I can, so there have something to share, you know.
And I gotta be doing little thing. Maybe you gotta pet a little, uh, cat or
something.
You know, or bring up a damn, uh, JPEG of a, uh, dolphin or something.
Or, you know, or, uh, you know, eat a blueberry or do something good like that.
I'll even look, I'll look on the videos.
Sometimes soldiers coming home.
And then they wheel out, you know, and they, they, they wheel the guy.
The guy climbs out of a, uh, like a fake, uh, Easter basket at the, uh, pep
rally or whatever.
And you're like, oh, Reginald's home or something.
And the whole, you know, everybody's crying and shit.
And the team, so, usually they do that when the team is bad, they do that.
See, we need some damn war daddies over here.
And sometimes, you know, it's a couple war mommies out there.
You see a couple, you know, if you see, you know, if you see a real long kiss
and there's four,
if there's four breasts and a kiss, baby, that's lesbianism, baby.
And that's, you gotta enjoy that when you get to see it.
So, um, happy Thanksgiving.
Uh, some people don't celebrate Thanksgiving.
I think it's Canadians mostly.
Uh, I don't know who else, maybe.
Canadians, they should celebrate.
Y'all, dude, Canada's been shut down.
You guys might as well start celebrating it.
There's nothing else.
You guys are so scared of COVID.
Y'all don't even have, I think you took your doorknobs off.
This locks only in Canada.
If you, you can't, if you, you got, they're, they're back to writing letters,
stationary.
The stationary market up in Canada has just skyrocketed.
You see ships of ink going up there.
Yes, you know, Canada, they, you, they're not even allowed to handshake.
No hugging.
Don't you, you'll see a married couple just staring at each other till one of
them damn
bust right out there.
Or, you know, really, uh, sugars, you know, really drips out, you know, drips
up their britches.
And they're britch dripping out there in Canada because they, the laws, they've
gotten so COVID scared.
They, they just, even the snowmen, no arms on them.
No arms.
They don't want it.
Nobody's touching.
They're not doing none of that.
None of that up in Canada.
What else?
Oh, the turkey farmer episode.
If you didn't get a chance to check that out, check it out.
You know, it's nice to learn about the birds that, uh, that really are the
mascot of Thanksgiving.
You know, it's really the, the Baltimore raven of Thanksgiving is the turkey.
And a turkey, baby, that's God's tit right there, son.
That thing.
Mm.
You know, if you put two hands on a turkey, you feel long enough.
Somebody going.
Somebody finding some milk.
You can tell by looking at a turkey.
That, that, that, that bird's hiding that lache, baby, you know.
That, that bird, whoo, that's 98 degrees.
That thing's hiding that nic leche.
You know what I'm saying.
Um, we got some great calls, man.
This tree is close as hell, dude.
I feel like I'm in, like these things are from Vietnam or something.
I keep hitting it.
Sorry.
These things might be listening to me.
Are your trees listening to you?
Are, are your artificial plants listening to you?
I'm Alex Jones.
I'm Alex.
Are you?
Have you had your artificial palms checked for, uh, uh, listening for ears?
It never ends.
Let's get into some calls that came in, man.
Always grateful to have some calls.
The hotline is always 985-664-9503.
Here we go.
Just on my way home from work, man.
I'm a bartender, mixing up drinks, probably spilling most of them.
But anyway, I have a thought, kind of like a question for you, man.
Uh, there's a lot of performing characters, you know, like in the performance
industry.
Which one out of these two do you think houses more pediophiles?
Clowns or magicians?
Because hear me out, man.
Those clowns, they're coming to your kid's party, folding balloons and shit,
looking at stuff.
You know, you don't know what he's doing.
But that magician?
Yeah, yeah, and thank you for, sorry to cut you off, man, but I, but I got
these buttons here.
And, um, it's a good question, and it's an age-old question.
You know, it's a question, you know, you see old men talking.
This is something that's been talked about for a long time.
Clowns, well, first of all, let's look at clowns.
Imagine putting lipstick on your mouth.
Sometime you see a man, you know, your boy Terry or whatever, and he does a
lipstick.
It's fine.
You know, he says he was in a fire or whatever, and that's why he gots to do it.
Everybody knows Terry never, Terry never been in a fire.
You know, Terry, Terry never been in a fire, Terry.
Bitch, you never been in a fire.
So, just be, if you want a woman out a little, or you want to, you know, you
want a small stick on them lips, if you want to do what you want to do, then do
that.
But now imagine a man, instead of just doing a lipstick, he puts a lipstick on
his whole face.
That's a clown, okay?
That's a clown, guys, and that's, that's where it's alarming.
You know, when I was young, I don't know if you could even legally be a clown
when I was young.
You'd see them get pulled over all the time.
They'd pull a dude over.
We had a guy by us, he was, I think, people thought he just had allergies or
seasonal allergies, and that he was kind of, you know, a little, I don't want
to say, they used to call it fat.
But he was, you know, kind of gristled out.
You know what I'm saying?
He was damn the Lord's love seat.
You know what I'm saying?
Boy, he had a little lever on his hip.
You pull on it, his legs would go straight.
You know what I'm saying?
He was that little comfort bear.
He, uh, he was clown.
He was clown.
And he would get pulled over, and I remember one time they pulled him over, and
there was, they just pulled him over for being clown.
And the cops are trying to talk to him, and nobody, you know, it's still kind
of vague, uh, what the crime was.
And then he took his own clothes off, and he had his, he had more clothes
painted under his clothes.
So he had, and now he's naked, now it's a crime.
And then, I think the one dude, he tried to climb up an invisible ladder, like
a mime or whatever.
You know, he's shape-shifting, you know, he's not shape-shifting, but he's, you
know, wishing he was a, you know.
Which is basically the ninja of clowns.
A mime is just a damn ninja clown.
That's all that is, bro.
A mime is just a clown that, you know, that got its associates, really.
So he's trying to climb an invisible ladder, and the cops beat him down.
Buddy, what was I talking about?
But I think a clown is just somebody I think that's afraid to ask you to touch
their wiener.
That's all it is.
I think it's somebody that's afraid to say, hey, daddy got that little spice
entree.
You feel me?
Because some clown, you see the wiener, it's got paint on it.
That thing, it's like, what's even going on here?
You can't even, everything's hiding.
So, the craziest is a female clown.
When you see a female clown, that's when I, what?
Why, what happened?
Did you, was you at a pizza party and somebody molested you or something, you
know?
Like, what?
You know what I'm saying?
Like, how did you, that's the weirdest one.
Did somebody, like, touch your titty at a Comic-Con or something?
How, why are you a clown, madam?
Why, I'm not saying you can't be.
You can be, but that's the one that gets me.
Female clown gets me.
But magician, magicia