Name: Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #369
Uploaded: 2021-12-02T08:14:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #369' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #369' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-02. Transcript available.

Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #369

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Today's guest is just a real energetic man, and he's got that thing in him.
He's got that spunk in him, you know.
He's a real spunk dragon if you see him.
If you beat him, spunk would come out.
That's who he is.
He's a movie actor, and he's a comedian.
You know him from a lot of the greats.
And we're here today to get to spend time with him.
We're blessed by this Minnesota Vikings fan, my friend, comedian Nick Swartzen.
For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I've been singing just from
Ladies and gentlemen
I don't need that
No, I wanted to just quickly say
Brian Callen, fucking eat me out
Eat me out
Brian Callen
Where are the
Alright, that's what I wanted to just kick off
Ooh
Yeah
That's a starter meal, huh?
That's a kickoff
Oh, that's a
That's a eat me out off
That's a slap-a-tizer, bro
Dude, that is a
And would he do it, though?
I mean
Is he that snacky guy?
I don't know if he would seem like a real snacker to me
I feel like he would make people do that to him
Yeah
Or I'm generous with my
A noose
My fucking anal tunnel
Oh, yeah
It's just, you know
People can just sign up
There's a sign-up sheet outside my building
Really?
Yeah
Anybody that's walking by
Just jot it down
Just get in there
Damn
Do you wish you had
Do you ever wish that your anus was bigger
Or do you wish that it was smaller?
Um, I've thought about that every day
Of my life
When I wake up
Yeah
I just, I touch it
And I'm like, hmm
It's still kind of medium
But I think tighter
You know what I mean?
Just for
Um, a lot of my friends are
You know
Big finger
Yeah
But, um
Yeah, you, I mean
But, yeah, entirely
You could steal somebody's ring
You know, like they do on
Um
Remember on, uh
I think Robin Hood
When he kisses the
Um
The captain's
Hand
Oh, yeah
He was fucking throbbing
He was hard as a rock
No, I don't want my asshole
To be too loose
Like, I want to feel my shits
You know what I mean?
I don't want them to just fall out
Yeah
Just go AWOL
Yeah, like somebody just throwing them
On your doorstep
Like an Amazon guy
Yeah
I don't want them just
Fucking swan diving
When I take a shit
And like clean landing
I want it to
I want to feel it
Yeah
Oh, wow, huh?
Yeah
Damn, you're like a real outdoorsman
Yeah
I'm very thirsty
Yeah, you're very old school
I'm very thirsty for the woods
Yeah, fucking I'll take a shit anywhere
I think in the future of people
Shitting will be a thing of the past
Actually defecating as a human
Like if you see somebody go in a room
By themselves
To have
Special time
Desecration or whatever it's called
Desecration
Desecration
Leave their body
Defecation, isn't it?
Defecation, yeah
Yeah, desecration I think is
Um
When you put your turtleneck on backwards
Oh, damn
Yeah, I think that's what it is
Um
But damn, dog
No, the futures is gonna be like
Eye toilets or something
Or it's like Apple will drop like
Yeah
Some new thing
Yeah, I wonder what's gonna happen
It's exciting to think about
Is it?
Yeah
Yeah, I hope Apple's listening
If Steve Jobs' ghost is here
We gotta get out a fucking Ouija board
Wake that motherfucker up, dude
Where's your eye toilet?
You fucking dead guy
You just press a button
And the meal leaves your stomach
Yeah, you put your phone
Like just put it right against your stomach
And it just fucking absorbs it
And then it sends it right to
Brendan Schaub's mouth
It just appears
Brendan Schaub will be like
Eating at some fucking stupid restaurant
And then just shit just fills his mouth
Like a fucking Italian chipmunk
Just harboring nuts for the winter
And he gets back in his leopard skin Miata
That he bought for $8 million
Because he doesn't know how to buy things
A fucking child
When you
Every time you floor it in there
You can hear an endangered species die
I feel like
You can hear
Many special animals kill themselves
Yeah, dude
It runs on Ebola
Eboleata
That's the new fucking car Brendan drives
No, but I think in the future
Everyone will wear like a colostomy bag
You'll just empty it out
I think actually having to go to a room
To like
Because it's crazy
When you think about it
I'm going to go off to a private room
And get like
Liquids or solids out of my body
It almost seems like
You're like a bad magician
Right
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But it's a trick that everybody knows
And the trick smells
Yeah, yeah
Like if you pull a rabbit out of a hat
It doesn't smell
Unless the rabbit's dead
Yeah, yeah
That's true
Wouldn't that be great?
That makes sense
Bad magic
And it's just some guys
Pulling dead rabbits out of a hat
How is that not a show?
There's every other fucking show on the air
It's so stupid
I was like quarantining and shit
Back in the day
I can't even say that
Which is weird
So yeah, you left out of Columbus
And what?
I left out of Columbus
And I didn't know it was happening
Like everybody else
I was like
What is happening?
And you know
People were just
It was up in the air
And then I went and just
They were like
You gotta quarantine
So I came back to LA
And got my shit
And then I went back to Minnesota
Where I'm from
Yeah
And quarantined in my sister's basement
Which was a house
That I bought her
Fuck it
So your basement
My basement
I remind her of that
Every time I step foot
In that fucking place
Anyway
I'll digress on that
But
It was just weird
Because then it was like
There were murder hornets
And like all this weird shit
Kept dropping
And then
I love that the pentacon
Revealed that they're aliens
They're like
No, there's proof
There's aliens
People are like
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Cool
Anyway, what's going on
With this disease
Like nobody cared about anything
Yeah
They dropped murder hornets on us
I don't even know
What the fuck that is
Yeah, I feel like
They kind of like
It was a time
Where like
They're going to slip
Other things out
While people are heavily
Yeah, totally
They're like
Oh, they're looking that way
Dude, there's a lot of
Like distraction going on
Well, that comes to my point
So I was in quarantine
And I got
In Minnesota
And what are you doing there?
Are you working during the day?
Are you doing anything?
Are you doing emails?
I use my fucking mind
Okay
So I just sat there
And I read books
And I got caught up
On Netflix shows
And I journaled
And I caught up
With a lot of friends
And I did some podcasts
And shit
Or like phoners
And stuff
But I just sat there
And like really thought
About my life
And you know
What I wanted to accomplish
In my next chapter
You know what I mean?
Yeah
So I didn't drink or anything
I was fucking sober guy
Dude
Wow
Yeah, I didn't fucking
You were living clean out there
Now were you doing a gym?
Were you elliptical in or anything?
No, I just did push-ups
It was like a kind of
It was like a
A prison with Netflix
It sounded like you were incarcerated
Yeah, it was a prison with Netflix
Your sister's upstairs
She's upstairs
And my nieces and nephews
And stuff
And I was like
Just don't even
Don't come in this sanctuary
Yeah
Yeah
And I took shits
I'm not gonna lie
Yeah
And the dog would run in
And he would watch me poop
And then he would be like
Alright, I'm
This is like the third time
In like half hour
You're like
He's like
Rerun
Yeah
And so then I got a
Message from Expedia
And they were like
Are you ready for your trip
To Key West?
I had fucking forgot
That I booked a trip
To Key West
That December
Before COVID or anything
I was like
Oh, I've always wanted
To go to Key West
Yeah
And just kick it
You know, I read Hemingway
I like the show Bloodline
Oh, yeah
So I went to
Key West, Florida
I left there
And then I went to
South Carolina
And hung out with Danny McBride
For like a week
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I love Danny
I almost moved there
He's like
You gotta move here, dude
Yeah
And I almost did
But I went down to Key West
And I was gonna go back
Up to South Carolina
But I stayed in Key West
I was supposed to be there
For ten days
I stayed for a year and a half
Oh
In fucking Key West
I was there a year and a half
That's not a joke
And what did you start
Like a
Not a farm
But did you do like a job or something?
Nope
Did you get hired anywhere?
Nope
What?
I just tuned out
I was just
Everything was so fucking bonkers in 2020
That I was just over it, dude
So I just stayed down there
And it was so removed from everything
Like nobody gave a fuck
Like nobody gave a fuck
I had no idea what day it was after a while
Yeah
And I just stayed
I just kicked it
Were you partying?
Were you sailing?
Were you
I partied initially and sailed initially
Yeah
And then I just fucking had a couple fucking pops
And then I would just listen to the song Sailing
Yeah
By Christopher Cross
And that was a lot easier
I am sailing
Sailing
Takes me away
And suck my own dick
And I'm sucking my own dick
No, but it was awesome, though
Like nobody was on Twitter
Nobody was like
Yeah
Everybody was just like island life
And I just fell in love with it
And was it like
Were you doing any employment at all?
Or you just
I didn't do shit
I did nothing
Did you try to get a job?
Did you fill out any applications?
No
I was just over it
I thought about some shit
And I was like planning on coming home
Like what?
Like real estate?
Or what were you considering?
No
I was gonna like shave my pubes
And just make dream catchers
Or some shit
Like that's what Key West is like
Like after a year
I didn't even own clothes
I just wore like butterflies
Is there government down there?
I feel like it's just like
Basically people down there
Just like
Obviously these people
Hate Native Americans
And everybody
Because they're
They're trying to get out of
America
Is there a lot of Cubans?
Is there a Latino there?
What is it?
It's kind of everything
I mean it's local
It's
I mean it's
You know
It's a lot of tourists
It's a big tourist spot
You know
So it's a lot of people
Driving from Florida
And there's a lot of fishing
There's a lot of fishing
And there's a lot of like snowbirds
But it's funny
Because when I landed
My buddy picked me up
And he goes
Welcome to the island of misfit toys
And I go
What does that mean?
And he goes
You'll see
And I didn't know what that meant
And then after a little bit
I was like
Oh yeah
Like everybody's just going rogue
Dude
Like everyone's got a story
Everybody that I met was like
Yeah I came down here
Like on a connection with a flight
And then I just stayed for like 20 years
Like it's just the best
Like relief
Yeah I was on the airline
They lost my family
Like the airline lost your family?
Yeah I was flying over Key West
And then I decided
Fuck I'm just going to parachute out of this shit
And just open the door
But it was awesome
It was just
It was fucking crazy
I can't believe I was there that long
Wow
It was so fun
And I met the coolest people
All the locals are great
Really?
Yeah
Now is there a lot of
Because you seem like a kind of place
Where people are sneaking out
They're getting
Like a lot of times
You see on American Greed
The guy ends up down in Key West
Is there like a lot of hidden like
