Name: Christmas Possibilities | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #372
Uploaded: 2021-12-21T10:59:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Possibilities | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #372' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Possibilities | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #372' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-21. Transcript available.

Christmas Possibilities | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #372

i want to let you know we got uh new be good to yourself colorways
merch available now hoodies crewnecks and tees also available is the i'm
upstairs
collection baby let them know where you are what do you i'm upstairs
and the new get that header bait and tackle collection they got these hats
right there
them brims baby catch that fish in comfort check out that and more at theo von
store.com
that's theo von store.com today's episode is brought to you also by liquid
death grateful for them
merry christmas to you happy holidays uh it's that time you know it's just that
time
it's that time to slow it down it's that time to just really just straighten
out that snake
you know to to just to even things out
to close up all the if you got a couple pandora's boxes open it's time to shut
them down
it's a time for joy you know a time to give joy and and receive it as well as
you can
you know get out there tickle somebody tickle a damn neighbor tickle a trash
fellow the guys get in
the garbage sneak around the truck tickle his ass you know be do something
bring some joy to somebody
you know hug a brother get out there and hug a damn brother you know uh hug a
white woman
email somebody email a filipino or a uh dominican or somebody that you've never
met
a different species a different uh ethnicity broaden your horizons you know
be a stand for decency if you can be a be somebody who's who just you just you
just got a love gun and
that bitch is full and you just pop pop pop pop you drilling people with joy
you can do it get a nice gift for someone you know get somebody something they
can use if you have a
maybe maybe you got a buddy who's never been to the beach get him give him a
little bucket of sand or
something give his wife a half bucket maybe uh maybe somebody don't have a legs
or something you know
get him um draw some draw a picture of him with legs and say hey man this is
how i see you
you know i see you complete you know do something we had a you know if somebody
doesn't have a tongue
we had a fella didn't have a tongue bus and somebody wrote down all the flavors
on a piece of uh poster
board so he could point at him when he was enjoying something look it's tart
look it's you know fruit
based or whatever oh shit this has lead in it and he pointed lead you know help
somebody out
you know just be a stand for decency if you can this time of year
you have a buddy that that um that's never been outdoors get him a tree get him
a little tree bring
it inside get him a little you know get him a bird call or something hide
behind the tree
say hey this is what it's like if you want to if you ever want to do so you
want to be brave
you know we had a a cousin that couldn't read and um
and somebody got him a damn book and that's not good you know because that's
really get him a
letter draw a big letter on the thing say hey this is it l m r you know don't
you don't want to ruin
somebody's day either you know somebody can't you know i remember he couldn't
read they gave him a book
and everybody's like you know because he can't you know you can't put a toddler
on mount everest
you got to put him on an anthill first you got to think but you got to love
baby and that's what time
of year it is and i'm happy to be here with you and uh and merry christmas you
know merry christmas
you know damn just get out there and just damn tell somebody merry christmas
damn it damn
just if you got a damn ring somebody's neck if they don't get it give it to
them merry christmas
you tell them it's that time of year let's head in with a couple of beautiful
tunes right here
you got somebody that likes to fish get them a fish get them a damn fish save
them some time you know
get them a carp bring that bitch home for them
you got somebody that likes uh animalia trap an eagle for him
trap a damn american eagle for him and bring it home for you know just for an
hour let it loose baby
that's god's nft baby let it loose but bring it home it's that time of year
you got somebody that likes to swim
get some water bring it up get you a bucket of water get you a sponge
and just cut that corner they don't have to go to the pool today say i got you
ronnie
i'ma dampen your legs up i'ma squeeze this sponge out on your back squeeze this
water on your back
i'ma let you you know i'll even blow a whistle i'll even have you know
have your cousin dress up as a lifeguard and blow a whistle once
we got you baby we got you bubby you ain't got to go to the pool today we're
bringing the pool home
god bless you
so
so
so
so
so
that is julian julian brin
with joy to the world
and wouldn't it be great if that if you could do it like that
if you could just snap a finger and
people would just be joyed out
just women just smiling so big they get lipstick on their earlobes
people just
just riddled with riddled with happiness
riddled with comfort
like they just swallowed a damn duvet cover
yes
just like they ingest a damn nine throw pillows just
just full of comfort wouldn't that be wouldn't that be magnificent
i think that's what i got to hope for this time of year is that
it's just a you know i get caught up in that in the peril you know i get caught
up sometimes in
the peril in that in that dirt in that dirt oyster and i'm in there just sifting
around for peril
but the joy is just out in the world
you know the joy is
is if i choose to if i choose to be happy you know it's a it's a choice i have
to make it's hard
sometimes but this is the time of year to make it you know this is the time of
year damn see a little
child and just damn
you know draw a damn mark on the beast on his on his back while he's sleeping
you know put his shirt back on surprises folks
you know i remember one time we do it we had this fellow named scotty on our
bus little scotty
and i think he was
i don't know if he was he was uh not deranged or whatever but he wasn't you
know they had decided
he wasn't gonna do well you know he wasn't gonna end up top shelf but he was
milling around he was a middle liquor at the time and um and we you know i don't
know who did it i
could you know who knows who did it but people drew swastika on his back and
nobody knew what it meant
nobody knew that it was anti-semitic or you know uh they just seen it on pamphlets
or whatever you
find in the woods but um but anyway i don't even know what that story's about
but anyway merry christmas
to you oh and it's that time of year you know it's that time of year where
you could really just hear you know you could you could hear santa just
tightening up them boots
just just just putting his fat just damn just gristle hoofs just
you could hear them boots just just squee
just squealing like damn can we hold santa again
and you could hear you know you could hear him just tightening that belt up
just
just
that's the sound that buckle makes baby
that buckle can't hold him and as cookie crumbs fall across that buckle because
he's having one more
a little cut one more little dose one more little upper before he hits that
ride baby you can hear that belt just like
and you just hear him and he just he just puts his
feet into the sleigh and he's in there and his wife comes over and it could be
his second wife now
we haven't got a lot of intel
you know from that far north i think the only person even up there anymore is
damn dexter
in his new season and
that's it science light science and i think the titanic is still crashed up
there
but there's not a lot of there's not a lot of intel coming out of the north
pole
so he could be on his second wife you know some big you know breasted out latina
rolls up
with them you know them big fontleroys the milky fontleroys on her
and she you know whispers something naughty in his ear you know
and she might be dating one of the reindeer on the side who knows i mean things
have changed and times
are different
and the reindeers out there don or dancer
little daddy is you know they got another they got a brother and then you know
little daddy's out there
you know they got uh uh probably uh vato they got a spanish one it's a
different ball you know it's
changed up they got uh on dancer on cupid cupid's a little you know cupid likes
men and women that's
his bag whatever all aboard you know transistor is one of them probably and he's
double jointed down in the freaking root
you know he's crotched out that crotchety bad boy but hey that's it
and that's the squad you play with who you got ben simmons is you know i'm
saying you got all types
you got everybody out there maybe a little bit maybe a german out there maybe
an israeli out there
you got some you know all types of you know uh duster you got one of the reindeers
just
damn addicted to huffing uh keyboard cleanser and you can't blame it
but that's the time of year it is man and you can just you know
you got to believe that something more unique is happening than what is just
occurring
in front of us that's what i have to do you don't have to i'm not telling you
to
but i have to believe if i want things to be different or seem different or
i gotta believe that there's magic in the air and this is a wonderful time of
year
uh to do that so merry christmas to you i love you
gang what's happening what's happening uh oh i went to ufc 269 and dude it was
my god i got there and it was i mean it was so i went with david spade you know
him
and he's faint you know he's pretty fancy you know he's uh tommy boy joe dirt
you know that you know
he's that rascal you know he's that rascal man you cut on a damn rascal
fountain and he'll fly you know
he's the first he's the first flow out that bitch and um and man we were geeked
up we went we made
some bets at the betting window at the wind uh motel we were staying at the
wind motel and
we made some bets over there at the betting window which was pretty cool kind
of old-fashioned
there's not a lot of part there's not a lot of different parlay out you just
walk up and you say
okay i want this guy or this horse or you know or this um
woman you know there's just a couple options so we did that we put we laid some
bets down and then
we went over to the fight so why did we get there dude we're sitting right
behind dana white like i
mean like if he got coveted we got coveted you know if he still even had a even
a vid or a co or a
ovi we got you know we were right there we was breathing the same
we was just volleyballing air and uh and and that was amazing and then david
sitting next to me
then next to him hallie berry from damn movies from damn you know uh
wherever she's from you know i don't even know gorgeous town you know uh fine
is
fuckington i don't know where she's from but she just looked damn vibrant she
looked like a shooting
star it just landed right in her damn heart and it was just coming out of her
eyes when she talked to
you and i mean it just damn i mean every time you know when you're just uh and
she loved fighting
so she was we're sitting here just chatting about the fights and um yeah that
wasn't that was
you know that was really interesting um then who else oh tommy lee the draw the
famous musician
was uh there jared leto was there beautiful guy dear god i mean you look at the
guy and you're like damn
you're like damn i don't know if this dude is i mean is this dude fine as like
you just
you're like and you're not you're a straight man you're like this is this dude
fine as
this dude's hotter than uh probably some of the girlfriends i've ever had
certainly mormon and my for my first girlfriend were really
really strong girl probably six six six six foot at the time and we were small
and i remember she would
and i've told this story before she would uh pick me up at the bus stop and she'd
put me around her
waist and kiss me like that just just straight on kiss me like a damn
god just like and she i think she shaved dude i think she shaved a little bit
around her mouth and
she would just because i remember in the winter when she would kiss me it would
burn my face a little
i just remember my f