Name: Robbie Williams & Mark Hayes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #374
Uploaded: 2022-01-06T12:14:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robbie Williams & Mark Hayes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #374' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robbie Williams & Mark Hayes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #374' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

Robbie Williams & Mark Hayes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #374

Welcome to the show today, guys. I want to let you know that I have some tour
dates.
If you want to see me in live, in the live space, visual, real time, they call
it IRL.
Jacksonville, Florida, February 2nd, I'll be there.
St. Petersburg, Florida, February 3rd.
Orlando, Florida, February 5th.
Lafayette, Indiana, February 24th.
Rockford, Illinois, February 25th.
Chicago, Illinois, February 26th.
Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Oh, that's sold out now, May 6th.
We may add one there.
And then Los Angeles, California at the Wiltern, May 7th.
That is all Return of the Rat Tour.
You can grab those tickets or on sale now.
TheoVaughn.com slash tour.
Today's guests are two men who are from another country.
And they left their country.
I'm not sure why exactly, but that's what they did.
And we're very happy to have them here today.
They are one of the most, one of the greatest selling artists of all time, of
modern time, of all B.C., or A.D., Mr. Robbie Williams and comedian Mark Hayes.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I'll be singing just for you.
Yeah, what's the most fancy thing you ever, that you bought for yourself?
What's the most fancy thing that I ever bought for myself?
I bought a really big house.
I bought a really, really big house.
Like, because I had a place that I would say was, like, quite humble for me.
Yeah, looking back.
Yeah, and that was, like, a mansion.
It was, like, a mansion in Beverly Hills in a gated community.
And it was, but then I just was, like, I want to put my foot down on this and
outreach on it.
I bought a place in Beverly Hills.
It's 20 acres.
That you have right now?
Yeah.
Oh, damn.
20 acres.
This is maybe rich, dog.
20 acres.
30,000 square foot.
No way.
Yeah.
Wait, that's 20 acres.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Dude, you could, are there rooms that you haven't been in in months?
I've got 27 toilets.
That's unreal, isn't it?
Yeah.
But let me tell you the thinking.
Okay, so.
So the thinking is this.
Let me push this back.
So you make some money.
Yeah.
And then you want to keep that money.
Right.
And then you want to do things that you understand.
And I don't understand much.
So, you know, and you've got all these stocks and shares and investments that
you can make.
I don't understand them.
Right.
What do I understand?
I understand bricks and mortar.
Right.
So if I have some bricks and mortar and the stock market and everything goes to
hell in a handbasket,
it still exists.
The bricks and mortar will be there.
So I took the money out of the investments and invested it into bricks and
mortar.
Yeah.
And bought this place, 20 acres, 30,000 square foot, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
And you're just like, ah, I did a grown-up thing.
I did a grown-up thing.
Yeah.
And I'm really proud of myself.
And then you go, right, okay.
What you don't take into consideration is 20 acres needs tending in Beverly
Hills.
Oh, yeah.
So you need two gardeners.
And then-
That's where I come in.
And yeah.
Really?
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on though.
So then you've got your insurance for the house.
So the insurance on the house because of the fires is 700 grand.
Wait, so the insurance because of fires is 700 grand a year?
Yeah.
What?
Seriously?
Yeah.
And then you have your house tax thing each year, which is 400,000.
So basically what you don't take into consideration when you're buying bricks
and mortar, especially
in California, is that, okay, so you need two gardeners, three housekeepers, a
house manager.
Wow.
I have security.
Oh, yeah.
Two nannies.
It's for you.
Yeah.
Just for me.
Yeah.
So then what, so basically what I'm saying is you can't win anyway because, you
know,
the tax of actually, the life tax, the head tax of having a property that big,
you just
can't enjoy it.
You come down-
Laugh off the mic a little.
Sorry, it's good.
You come downstairs and you see 11 cars parked in your car park outside and
they all work at
yours.
Wow.
So, you know, I'm basically wandering around a super yacht on land.
Oh.
So it's sort of like drain, it's like a super yacht drain, but on land.
Why?
Because you constantly just see the money going by, you mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You just see, I walk down and-
Everything looks like an expanse, kind of?
Well, I walk into the kitchen today and there is one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven,
eight people and none of them are my family.
Oh, damn, brother.
Do you know what I mean?
And they're, they're all doing a job for me.
And so I, I, it's just like, you know, like an, an old taxi where you just sort
of like
watching the, the cash go up and up.
Oh.
Even earlier when I walked in, how many people were like cooking food?
There was eight people in the kitchen.
Yeah.
It was unreal.
Not including us and, and the four kids.
Yeah.
That's why it was like, it feels homely here.
Yeah.
Because there was so many people and like the food was cooking.
Oh, that's nice.
So my big expense is on people that work for me.
Right.
I'm not a big, um, I'm not a big sort of needless.
If, for example, if I want a like bling watch, I'm like, love hip hop.
I want a bling watch too.
I then get in touch with the company and see what I can do for the company to
get the watch
for free.
Oh, I see.
So you would like to see, you'd like to save money in some, some senses.
Uh, I don't know what that is.
That's what we.
Anyway, back to what we were talking on the way in.
That's the level of money I'm willing to spend on a studio is one where you
have to hear something in the distance.
Every bit.
Anxiety.
So what's going on?
I don't know, man.
I think I just get overwhelmed.
I don't like being like a boss.
I don't like having like once comedy kind of started to turn more also into
podcasting,
you have to like, you know, help get things done and make sure that everything
runs smoothly.
And it just becomes a bit like, I think it just starts to exhaust me.
I don't get to be as creative, you know?
So when I'm listening to you say that you have help and people are helping you,
I'm like, that really perks my ears up.
Cause I'm like.
But then, but then you just have another level of problems before you got
anxiety about being the boss.
You were anxious about something else.
Yeah.
So you're just, you're just swapping problems.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But mine sounds like a better problem than yours.
It does.
Yeah.
Yours is a fountain out front of it.
Yeah.
No, but yeah, my problem does feel better than yours.
Yeah.
I win.
Who's got better problems?
That would be almost a great game show.
It's just like, somebody's like, I've got Down syndrome and somebody else is
like, I've got anxiety and people vote in the crowd.
I'd be like, I've diarrhea.
Yeah.
I got a paper cut.
I chafed a nipple.
Well, here, do you know when you were growing up?
Yeah, I wore a sharp shirt.
There was no anxiety when you were growing up, was there?
Yeah, was there or not?
No, you didn't know it was anxiety.
Basically, you're just on high alert all of the time.
Because I'm from not a lot of money.
I mean, I'm from a rough area.
Like Billy Elliot.
Exactly like Billy Elliot.
Yeah, I love that movie.
So there's no anxiety.
But like, I thought that when I was growing up, I had like a psychic ability to
know that there was going to be trouble.
That was, I thought that it was like, I've got this inbuilt radar that detects
trouble.
But actually, what it is, is you're around sociopaths and psychopaths.
So you're actually scared all of the time.
That's fucking funny.
Yeah, all of the time.
Just living in fear.
Just living in fear all of the time.
And like my wife, who's from Beverly Hills.
Yeah.
She's had an ensuite all of her life.
I'm from a place where we had a bath on Sunday.
And I was a third in the bath after my mother was.
Third in the water, huh?
Third in the water.
Yeah, you freaking collecting coins at that point, brother.
My grandma, right?
My grandma.
First in.
Didn't have a indoor toilet until 1983.
Really?
Wow.
Yeah.
Just out in the alley?
Out in the yard.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's almost hot.
She could have an OnlyFans now, dude.
That's what's crazy.
Yeah.
Is that now that.
But that's.
So your family.
What, grandma's toilet?
Somebody would pay for it.
I'm sure Colin or Jake, one of these guys would freaking chip in on it.
I've seen some pretty dark stuff, I'm sure.
But, yeah, so what we.
So a lot of fear.
So you always felt fear.
Because one of my first feelings that I ever remember in the whole world is
being afraid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My first memory is lucid dreaming that I could fly.
Oh, damn.
And then I woke up and nearly threw myself down the stairs.
Like that.
Yeah, but I, because I was born in a pub.
Were you at?
Yeah, yeah.
So, like.
Oh, really?
We lived in a pub for my first four years.
So I know that my first memory, I must have been three or under.
And it was lucid dreaming.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Yeah, because I've just been doing a load of talking and you're just sat there.
Oh, we're just sitting here with Robbie Williams and Mark Hayes.
I mean, we'll do an intro in the beginning, too.
Oh, okay.
And you guys are mates and you guys are from another country.
Oh, yeah.
Ireland, England.
Two separate countries.
Two separate countries, yeah.
It's all the same to Americans.
Yeah.
Yeah, to us, I think it does run together, you know?
Yeah.
I feel like America's getting so weird.
People are starting to go back.
I've been seeing, like, Mayflowers and stuff, ads on the internet for, like,
the new Mayflower.
And it's heading back across to England.
I think people are-
The Titanic is going home.
A bit cooked, yeah.
I think people are willing to take on an iceberg just to maybe change the scope
of things.
Here's the thing, though.
I think America is so good.
No matter how mental it gets, we'll still come.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Because you're just like, you just see Baywatch or you see, like, MTV and you're
like, oh,
yeah, I want that.
Yeah, you see one warm tit on a show.
Yeah?
And you're just like, oh, this is better than a cold tit.
I've lived in LA for 21 years.
And I don't know if you have this with LA, or you have this at all.
But, like, every five years, I'll try and leave LA.
Wow.
Something will happen where I'll just get pissed off.
And there'll be, like, a bunch of things, or a bunch of people where I'm just
like, you've
really let me down in only a way that people in Los Angeles can let me down.
Oh, yeah.
That's true.
And then I go, and I am leaving.
And then I get on a plane, and I take all the dogs, and the children, and my
clothes, and I land
in England, and I go, I need to get back.
This is shit.
Have you had that happen?
All the time.
Have you?
Every time.
I've done it.
I've done it four times.
Really?
Yeah, like, I bought a house in the countryside in England.
Wow.
Right, I bought this.
It's a castle, isn't it?
Yeah.
Bought this place in the countryside in England.
And, like, this is our forever home wife.
And we are living here now.
And we'll leave those people, dastardly people in Los Angeles.
And the children will grow here, and we'll provide memories.
And I better not tell her that I hate it, and I want to move back.
Second night.
Really?
Second night of buying the house.
I was like, I don't like it.
Really?
Was it the English anxiety coming in?
Because I get that in Ireland.
If I went home and, like, sat in my couch, I'm like, oh, this is where, like,
I was trying to get away from.
Yeah.
Really?
But do you think it's because something feels, like, simpler there?
Does it feel, like, not, like, what are some of the feelings
that would make you think that it's, is it too quiet?
Is it too simple?
Is it too old-fashioned?
Like, is there things that make you think, like?
I think in Ireland, it feels a bit restricted, whereas in LA, like, anything
could happen.
There's opportunity.
Yeah.
You're walking.
Yeah.
And, like, sometimes it obviously does.
Yeah.
Most of the time, obviously, it doesn't.
Yeah, yeah.
But in Los Angeles, you just think, I am going, I'm walking around the corner
and Adam Sandler