Name: Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #378
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T10:30:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #378' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #378' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #378

I want to let you know next week I'll be back on a regular solo episode, and I'm
looking forward to that.
So I will see you then.
We could just do a little bit of mano y mano or mano y womano as well.
We'll include everybody.
This week, February 2nd, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida.
And February 3rd, I'm in St. Petersburg, Florida, America.
February 5th, I'll be in Orlando.
That's this week.
So you can grab those tickets, theovon.com slash tour.
I'm also in Tampa, and then I'll be in Lafayette, Indiana.
That's sold out.
225, I'll be in Rockford, Illinois.
That's February 25th.
February 26th in Chicago at the Chicago Theater.
Very excited.
And yeah, Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford Peaches, a feminine baseball
group.
That did it all, almost won it all.
I think they won it.
Theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R for tickets.
Don't get tickets from any third-party sites.
Only go through theovon.com slash tour.
If you're paying a ridiculous amount of money for a ticket, it's probably
because it's some
aftermarket site, some peddler, grifter.
We also have the new I'm Upstairs collection, available in hoodies, long
sleeves, and tees.
I wore my black hoodie yesterday that says it.
I'm Upstairs.
And the Be Good to Yourself collection as well, always available.
Go to theovonstore.com.
Thank you guys so much for your support.
Coming to see the shows and any merchandise or anything.
I love you.
Today's episode is being taped at Howie Mandel's studio out here in California.
So we're taping it here and we're grateful to Howie Mandel for that.
Thank you.
Today's guest is a friend of mine.
He's a deer man.
And I don't mean he's a hunter or anything.
I mean he's just a deer man.
And he's one half of the podcasting duo Hey Babe that he hosts with Sal Vulcano.
And he is a full, both halves, of his solo podcast, Chris C. Chaos, that you
can check out.
He is currently touring in cities on his Chrissy Theaters Everywhere Tour, the
CTE Tour.
Tickets are available at Chris D Comedy.
He and I have a long history of podcasting together.
This one's right in time for Valentine's Day, man.
We're going to talk about love.
And I'm grateful that he's here.
My friend, Mr. Chris DeStefano.
For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I've been singing
Just so
And now I've been moving way too fast
So, you know, but Chrissy D, you know what I mean?
Motherfucking Chrissy D, you know what I mean?
Like, look at that.
You're not wearing bracelets like that unless you're doing something.
Unless, you know what I mean?
What is that?
Is that Bloomingdale's?
Where'd you get it?
Got that at Amazon, but you know what I mean?
200.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And what carrot is that?
Is that 30?
Might be 30.
That's a good amount.
Yes, sir.
And I got a chain.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I got a chain, too.
Cuban link, you know what I mean?
I'm just saying, like, that's...
You know, you're adding shows at a funny bone with that.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, look.
And you're married still to your wife, right?
Yes.
Well, we're not married, but we have children.
So, we're married in the eyes of God.
And did you know when you were gonna be in love?
Like, did you know?
Like, when you...
Take me to it for real and be honest with me,
because I've been thinking a lot about love
and, like, how do I get, you know,
being just jumping in and being like,
I'm in love, you know?
And, like, I don't have a girlfriend right now,
but it's like...
Really?
Yeah, but I've been thinking about...
It's tough to be single with a jacket like that
because you're...
I'm soaked.
Oh, thanks, man.
You look good in it, man.
I think it's one of those, like,
Andre Agassi collection things.
No, it's fucking...
It's money in the bank jacket.
I just...
I really like the jacket.
Thanks.
I actually saw a man with it who did skydiving
is the first time that I ever saw it.
Yeah, it looks like something like Whitney Houston would wear,
but I love Whitney Houston.
Really?
Yes.
Whitney Houston is my number one...
I was watching the Whitney Houston documentary
on the plane coming out here.
Oh, is it good?
Fully crying in Delta Economy.
Ooh.
Ooh.
I've told you, bro,
I'm adding shows at Funny Bones.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good, dude.
If you...
What...
Do you...
What were we talking about?
You were asking me about love and...
Yeah.
You want to find...
Did you know?
Did you know?
Okay.
I'm going to be 100% honest with you.
Yeah.
All right?
This is for real.
In 2014, when I met...
Okay, hold on.
What was the climate of the world in 2014?
2014...
People were kind of getting along pretty far.
We were getting along.
We had Obama as president.
You know, there were real no problems on the horizon.
You know, China was starting to act up a little bit.
You're starting to hear, you know...
Always, yeah.
Like China was always like,
watch them a little bit.
Yeah.
But we really didn't have the problems we have right now.
You know, we were two years away from being saved by Trump
and now we're back in the bullshit.
But...
Yeah.
So it was kind of like a little bit of a glory days,
but I was single.
I had been single for six months.
Had you been dating kind of vigorously?
Had you been doing sex a lot?
Had you been...
Again, just being completely 100% vulnerable and honest
from the time, from January of 2014
until August of 2014.
Yes.
To early winter.
I contracted chlamydia so many times
that my primary care doctor gave me my own prescription
of azithromycin, which is what cures chlamydia,
almost like a male birth control.
He said, anytime it just hurts a little bit to pee,
just take this.
He said, because I can't stop you.
He said, and it's amazing.
You don't have herpes, AIDS, or syphilis,
but you got chlamydia.
Like I've never gotten COVID once.
Oh, you were really...
But I get chlamydia.
Like chlamydia is like, you know what I mean?
Yeah, you were...
Yeah, you were...
And so he was...
Scoring chlamydia.
Yes.
You were the Jamarana chlamydia.
Yeah, he would...
I would pee in a cup and he would go like that,
like it was a hot potato
because my urine was 100 degrees.
You know what I mean?
So, so...
Like, damn it.
Yeah, yeah.
This thing, it looks a little Booyah-based-y.
Yeah.
That's when it's bad, boy.
I remember one time...
When you got that chicken noodle piss.
Yeah.
Chicken noodle piss with chlamydia on the side.
So I remember one time I gave him a cup of my urine
and I said, is it bad?
And he goes, feel it.
He goes, feel it.
What do you think?
And I was like, it's a little warm.
He goes, yeah, it's not supposed to be like that.
Wow.
I was like, yeah, he went...
So, okay.
So, so get to August of 20...
You were serving hot.
So, so let me tell you something.
And listen, at that time, you know, I was, I was, you know,
there was a lot of beautiful women.
I was recently single.
I, you know, I was out there in the world with comedy
and I was, I was, I was hooking up with beautiful women
and, and, and having a good time.
I had a beautiful apartment in Long Island City, New York.
I had a view of the city.
I was really, really like being free and single
for the first time in my life, right?
Were you on the apps or were you just meeting women at shows?
Just meeting women at shows on Instagram.
I never did any of those apps.
Wow.
Not, never once.
I like it.
I did Raya once.
You're basically a Native American, basically, of dating.
I was Native American.
I was hunting buffalo and some of them were buffalo,
but I don't discriminate.
You know what I mean?
So you got some gazelles, some buffaloes.
It depends.
Oh yeah, dude, I've been with some wounded antelope.
You know what I'm saying?
A hundred percent.
I had sex with a woman who was on dialysis, you know?
Oh wow.
Is that good for them?
That's good.
Well, it, it, she wouldn't, she'd be dead without it.
She was in her mid forties on dialysis.
She was actually a friend of my father's and they met at dialysis
and I wound up having sex with her.
It wasn't a proud moment, but I did.
And cause I was in, I was just in that, in that time in 2014.
I was just there.
I was finding women that felt empty like me that were, you know, having sex.
I don't fuck out of, I don't fuck anybody out of a, like a urgent care or
nothing.
You won't do it?
No.
Yeah.
I don't do it, man.
My sister works at them.
I've seen some behind the scenes.
I'm not doing that shit.
Yeah.
Nah, I get it.
If somebody's rolling out of her urgent care, I'm not fucking.
You're not going to, I know having sex with a woman on dialysis was, I don't
want to say
it was a low point, but you know, I mean, it was, it was dangerous because, you
know,
she was had blurred vision and shit.
And I was like, you know, I don't even know if she's, are you really?
You know that song, you know you want it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to fall good.
Yeah.
So, so, so August of 2004, this year.
Take me there.
August of 2004, I'm sorry, July of 2014.
It was July 6th.
Okay.
Okay.
My boy, Pat Finnegan, Paddy Fly Ball, shout out.
He just fell down the stairs yesterday and had a laceration on his chin.
He tripped over his dog leash.
So shout out him.
Very Irish of him.
Lost consciousness.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So he, we went to a place in Brooklyn, it was called Place to Beach in Coney
Island,
Brooklyn.
Okay.
And did you say in volleyball?
They haven't said in volleyball.
And it was, this is a place in Brooklyn where this isn't like gentrified, woke
Brooklyn.
This was like where native New Yorkers are going.
Okay.
You know, you had the Puerto Ricans and the Italians going out there.
It's Coney Island.
Like Coney Island is like, it's not gentrified, man.
That's real New York City.
Like you got to be from New York to even know where these spots are at.
That was one of those spots.
I wasn't looking for anything.
I wasn't looking for, I was just, I was out there maybe going to try.
Why'd you go that day?
Because Pat Finnegan had told me, he's like, yo, my sister's there with her
friends.
Oh yeah.
So let's go meet my sister's friends.
Because her sister's a beautiful girl.
And we were like, okay, yeah, we'll go.
We'll have fun, drink.
I had a show at the Creek in the Cave, RIP, the Creek in the Cave.
It was in Queens, New York at the time.
I was supposed to have a show at the Creek in the Cave at eight o'clock.
I said, let's go to that place at five.
We'll do it.
We'll have a couple of drinks.
I was drinking strawberry vodka.
I was drinking strawberry vodkas.
And I said, let's get drunk.
We'll drive my Jeep Grand Cherokee out there.
And then, you know, we'll take the bus to the Creek if we can't drive.
I got a Grand Cherokee.
See?
Similarities.
So, and we both got 80s jackets on.
Yeah.
It's nice, dude.
And I got that bracelet.
I don't have it.
So, so I'm, I'm, I'm, we're in there and again, not looking for anything.
And again, I was at the point, you know, a lot of beautiful women.
Were you feeling hopeful?
I was feeling, I was feeling, I remember I was feeling good.
I felt I was wearing the right shorts and the right shirt that I felt like I
was in better
shape than I actually was.
I felt tight, even though I had probably had eaten pizza and carbs, but I felt
tight and
good.
Yeah.
I love that when your shirt does that for you.
Cause you know, like right now I don't feel good.
I feel fat.
I feel bloated and I'm just trying to cover it up because I don't feel good,
man.
Cause I had a muffin this morning, but yeah.
So I had a two muffins this morning actually and a jalapeno cheese bagel and I
had cold
oatmeal on the plane.
What can you do?
I'm Chrissy carbs.
Wow.
Yeah.
I went in.
I probably had 4,000 calories.
It's, it's, it's barely three o'clock.
Damn, dude.
You know, barely, it's not even February yet.
I know, dude.
So I, I, I, I eat like my drug is I, I eat too much and you know, but what can
I do?
So you're on strawberry vodkas.
You have a nice fit on.
Yeah.
You're there.
And do you, are y'all doing activities?
What are you doing?
No.
So we're in the bar, literally just listen