Name: Belated Valentine's | This Past Weekend w/Theo Von #380
Uploaded: 2022-02-15T23:46:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Belated Valentine's | This Past Weekend w/Theo Von #380' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Belated Valentine's | This Past Weekend w/Theo Von #380' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-15. Transcript available.

Belated Valentine's | This Past Weekend w/Theo Von #380

good to be here happy valentine's day to you and to yours um i'm thinking about
my buddy today
little bobby lee beautiful little guy you know he's really he's a he's polynesian
he's a little crustacean he's a little cigarette koala
and uh oh dude he would he would breastfeed off a damn uh
he'd breastfeed off a damn uh nicotine camel and i'm not talking about the
actual cigarette i'm
talking about the animal he'd suck the tit of a damn nicotine uh desert horse a
camel thinking about
him um what's going on dude oh you know what i was thinking about
the doorbell remember when you were young man you'd be at home you'd be living
your life
you know maybe fighting with your sister you know or you know packing up stuff
to leave home you were
gonna run away from home or maybe you were playing cards or doing something you
know having a uh you
know splitting up a caramel or something with your cousin and the doorbell
would ring
that when the doorbell rang everything changed everything the the world
the world stopped when the doorbell rang because you it could be anything it
could be father time it could
be the post man it could be somebody wants something somebody's here the world
came something in the
world had stopped on your doorstep and press that button hit that all call
and you saw everybody in the family even the dog even if you didn't have a dog
a dog would show up and
just hear the doorbell you quit fighting you could be killing you could be
killing your spouse
and you'd put down the knife and say let me see who's here
man i mean that i just the doorbell changed everything when you was who is that
it could be a package it could be somebody sending you something you all you
what is it
it could be somebody wants to come play you know hey can ernie come play ernie
don't live who's ernie
we don't have an ernie it could be in when it could be anybody when the door it
could be god it could be
uh your real dad it could be um we had a pedophile dude he come he's the nicest
guy nicest pedophile you
know hey you want to come we're doing a kickball league any that you know he'd
be putting lotion on
his legs and stuff like that we ain't got no league bro you a pedophile dog you
know but no thanks but
thanks for stopping by you were still happy somebody came by it was just like a
game show it was like
let's the word any let's see what's behind door number one you heard the buzzer
let's see what's
behind door number one and it could be anything man i just i missed that i
missed that i just missed
the novelty of it just like oh because people don't do the doorbells as much
anymore people have a ring
camera people have fake dog bark somebody get a fake doberman and sometimes the
battery like
you hear that first of all that doberman sounds like he uh you know he prefer
you know he definitely
um that doberman sounds like he eats his steak with a damn little knife and a
little fork he
sounds a little french if you're on if you're being real honest bro oh but
remember that fake though
to scare people off and then we had a neighbor the batteries got low on their
fake doberman and it
would be like it sounded like an old guy just trying to uh who had uh uh gi
issue you know he was tracked up
you know he'd just been k sewed out bro and he just could his body couldn't
handle it and he couldn't
pass bottom he couldn't pass nothing out of his bottom because you had that low
battery doberman in
there anyway i just missed the doorbell ding dong and anything just anything
could happen
when the doorbell hit boy and who was that what's going people would run
and i would have to stand on a chair and look out the peephole and my sister
would just put her eye
up to the low part of the door and just try and look through the wood
just like just it you know i'd be up she up here and she would just just
pretend i don't know what the
hell she was doing you know just being mystical or whatever but anyway i missed
i just missed that god
that beautiful chime that just damn boy just the the lord's freaking b flat
and everybody came to the who is that it could be maybe it's our real dad
our brother used to maybe it's our real dad our brother used to yell that you
know and we would
drop some we i remember one time we all drew pictures of what we thought our
real dad looked like
you know just because that you know at some point everybody wants that you know
they want the real
dad to come yeah even if they are even if they have the real dad they want that
trade in
you know they want that upgrade like they do at enterprise rentals baby they
want that dodge neon or
better you know when it comes they want that dad neon or better um gang baby
good to see
you guys happy valentine's day to you i hope you love yourself and uh and then
i hope you can love
somebody else man that's important um and uh and yeah i went to the super bowl
uh i'm gonna tell you
all about it in just a second let's get right into it here this is a uh tune
that i love right here
this is a north mississippi all-stars drunk outdoors
let's go get drunk outdoors
now we're cooking with gas on the front burner hot wind gas station down on the
corner cooking with gas on
the front burner come on here we go
right there baby that is uh north mississippi all-stars
and that is drunk outdoors let me see where they're touring right now so i can
let you know
i know they're supposed to be up in bend oregon soon up there i saw but north
mississippi all-stars
okay right here they got uh they're gonna be in uh florida on april 9th utah on
april 23rd
and then in new orleans may 1st they got some different shows coming up you can
check them out
nmallstars.com slash tour uh beautiful crew and um beautiful music man people
love them and i love them
what's going on baby hope you're good hope you're good daddy what's cracking
over here
um not much got up this morning went for a run you know pretty cool
uh dude is it just me or does everybody in every commercial now have just you
know
they got a one-legged person in it you know what i'm like i feel like every
commercial recently
they really they're trying to wrangle in i guess they're catering i just they
got a lot of people
that's they missing you know they on they down a leg or whatever i feel every
commercial i turn around
like damn they miss that kid missing a leg the mother you know i just i don't
maybe it's just something
i'm noticing it's just like damn they gotta this country we gotta start getting
legs for people bro
overall you know when i grew up people had
you know most people had two legs on them and now i guess according to
advertising they trying to
you know they i guess they don't so anyway uh yeah but yeah i went to the super
bowl bro
and it was i got it so this whole experience this is crazy so here's what
happened so todd graves came
on the podcast a while back a few months back and he's the canes chicken man
and this fella damn he'll take a chicken and shape it into just a damn little
uh
it looked like a little is uh like a little isthmus of chicken the way he does
it and we'll put one
on the screen here so you can see he make like a little it almost looks like a
little uh let me look
at famous islands island shapes they make a famous island shape it kind of
looks like
let me find one here i guess this one is pretty good he make a chicken looks
like uh
um mom mom mom thick island he makes a chicken look like a mama thick island or
molokini in hawaii he
got a real they make a chicken uh it's not a nugget it's like a nugget's daddy
if a nugget's granddaddy
showed up you were like damn his granddaddy's here that's what the cane's
chicken finger looks like it's
it's just a bit like a little it looks like a damn somebody grill uh deep fried
a harmonica kind
of that's what it is baby you put your lips up to that thing nine god you could
hear your freaking
you could hear your stomach just play a damn him off that bitch i bet if you
blew into a damn uh
chicken finger that one of them canes chicken finger that bitch
you play oh i bet a damn uh unicorn will run up if they hear the right note i
just they got a beautiful
chicken anyway so i get invited my friend cam invites me and uh i show up over
at beverly
beverly hills hotel i think and it's nice over there this is the place where
conor mcgregor where he
you know bought steroids or whatever i don't know this is but this is you know
he he he had been staying over there it's nice they got rich people in there i
mean it's uh
dude you uh if you just ran up and punched somebody in that bitch
there's a good chance that person probably would be really rich it's that kind
of space you know they
got somebody in there somebody in there drops 30 they don't even pick it up it's
90 days they cruising
they got places to go um so anyway we get there and uh and this is a real i'm
gonna name drop this is
i mean it was just a wild day they had i get there coach orgeron is there and a
beautiful fella
if you've never seen him he's like a damn italian he looks like an italian uh
he kind of like i don't
know if he's italian is he he might be i don't know he looked like a beautiful
some type of a dog
like an american bulldog or something he just uh and he's real grizzled up he's
got that you know
go tigers you know he has that he just grizzled up so the coach is there that
coach joe burrow uh
in the deal in the uh college championship i'll walk in um there's like uh nelly
is there you know
and nelly i grew up i mean i put dude nelly gave a lot of white dudes hope
real talk when a lot of white dudes knew we couldn't dance
we knew it was impossible we knew we suspected i think that god didn't want us
to do it
you know you just and then nelly came along and you're like damn bro god wants
maybe does
god is willing to reconsider when nelly hit it just it hit it hit so you got
coach oh you got nelly you got
mike thomas uh probably one of my favorite players from uh national football
you got i mean just a real
dude i can't there's uh any i don't even know where to go with this let me
think it was just such a
crazy thing so suddenly i'm in there bro and all you know i get nervous
sometimes around a lot of
celebrities i get nervous so all i can see is the food suddenly i'm just
looking at the food and i'm over
there you know i'm picking up food and setting it back down like a catch and
release program or
whatever like they do in the um uh nature you know i'm over i don't know what's
going on i'm you know
i'm talking i'm looking at stuff i'm making weird conversation asking people
like about the recipe or
something i put a plate with four deviled eggs on it and i don't even like
those bitches so now i'm
wandering around with these deviled eggs you know looking like a real creep um
and i didn't want them
and there wasn't a lot of table area so i could you that's what i hate if you're
at a party or some
type of mingling event and you can't set down your dough you there's nowhere to
set that you know
so you're just wandering around with these deviled eggs you know like you're
looking for you you know
like you you like you got beals above uterus on a little plate or something you
working you know you
working in uh what's it called gestation or something for satan you juggling
gestation on
that little plate because you got them d eggs on you bro you got them little uh
them little hen rubies baby you know anyway so i don't even know who there's
just a it's a crazy
group of people that's in there so i uh some of my friends introduced me to
mike mike thomas so i get
to start talking to him just talking about saints and stuff like that and um
and then we all leave we
get into a like a real cavalcade cavalcade of uh vehicles like nice vehicles
just some shapes i've never even seen one of them look like a van that uh
it looked like a van that had like a real rich daddy you know what i'm talking
about you ever see one of
those it's like a van but there's really no even i mean i guess there's windows
but it's li