Name: Teenage Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #382
Uploaded: 2022-03-01T11:44:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teenage Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #382' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teenage Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #382' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-01. Transcript available.

Teenage Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #382

oh yeah just got back baby just got back off the road and um
just i'm gonna go out to eat in a little while and so i'm trying i was trying
to get me a little
tied a little uh tied over you know snack a little i had me about nine almonds
and um and i had me two yogurts i'm gonna be honest with you um
you know there's a time in my life where i uh you know i probably wouldn't have
told anybody that i
had yogurt right to especially a man i wouldn't say hey man i just had him just
had some yogurts
you know i'd have lied i'd have lied and i'd uh i'd have said yeah i just had
some more you know
some ice cream or something or some you know real warm ice cream
um but i like yogurt man i like it but then there's that
i mean the thing it feels like you shouldn't be eating it
and i'm not sure if i've spoken about this before but it just feels like you
just shouldn't be
having it doesn't it it feels like you shouldn't be having it um it just feels
a little uh
is it maybe it's just in my head it tastes like a i mean look i'm a part you
know i got a little bit
you know i got about probably seven percent pervert in me so when they crack me
open but it's gonna be a
little pervert jumps out and run you know runs across the morgue and you know
up under the lockers or whatever
but um but yeah so i you know i don't i but there's something about it's just
there's something about having a yogurt that just feel it's like i feel like
there's the part of me
that's that's it that's really uh i don't know it just seems like it's almost a
little it seemed a
little young or something i don't know if that makes any sense to anybody and i
may be insane
but um what's going on guys um just got back off the road i'm gonna talk about
that um
went to dinner the other night went to like a fancy place you know just kind of
faint just
just i mean just damn look like we were on the titanic you know i was just
waiting for the whole
restaurant to just fill up with water that's how nice i mean people just good
day you know
no people just being you know friendly nobody yelling the n-word nobody doing
nothing just a good place
you know and um and
and we went and we were sitting by i was sitting i guess by this couple and i
think it was like a first
date or something or maybe second date and this lady had these bangers baby she
had these damn front
honeys on her baby i mean like a couple of damn freaking milk bears and they
were just getting ready
for spring you could see them just kind of um she had kind of a revealing kind
of top on and you could
see these big white damn just a couple moby dicks you know what i'm saying and
she had on like a lot
of powder kind of different powder you know maybe body powder or something
and she probably put about probably a half ounce
up between them um you know between them between them uh
them premier bunnies baby between them that you know
them hammer time front yams baby she'd really she put a lot of powder so
anyway some guy this guy she's on a date with is making her laugh he's telling
her
jokes and they were the worst jokes right
they were like just uh what was one it was like what's um
oh what's the tallest building in the world
and it was like oh it's uh
it's a library because it has so many stories that's what he would say and she
would just
die laughing right and i was kind of jealous she was having such a good time
but when she would laugh then her chest would kind of juggle and just
that powder would just i mean
just buffing up just
just muffering just muffling up out of them um
out of them big nodules baby you know what i'm saying out of them big uh
out of them big yogurt wagons dude just
that powder would just like a um it was like it was like her tits were vaping
or something
you know it was like her it was like her breasts were like hitting a thing of
blue ice or whatever
i mean it was just and it was and so then it would kind of stop and then he
would tell another one
and it was i mean just like it was
like aaron brokovich was gonna show up or something you know it just had that
it was you almost wanted to call
the city i mean it just got real smoky
over there um
but
yeah that was something that happened
at dinner we went with this one
gal she had curled her hair so tight
i mean you ever have somebody they curl her hair just so
tight i mean just
tight tight
she couldn't even get her eyes i mean i saw her every now and then
just kind of getting some water out of glass
and rubbing it on her eyes because she had just tightened that hair
she locked it up
she's so locked open
you know i almost wanted to just undo a couple of the curls so she could uh
you know get half a blink in baby she was real tightened up
um
but
anyway i was grateful to be eaten
and uh
i um
i wasn't even gonna do an episode
but i i really i decided
uh
that i wanted to be here with you guys
i wanted to be here with you i
um
i wanted to be here with you
you know i want to thank everybody who
who ventured out this week
uh
it was
we we had a couple of different shows
we started and did a small
uh one nighter over in lexington
and then we hopped over to
um
where was it
then we hopped over to uh
lafayette
indiana
and we actually had a call that came in right here from a lafayette
uh
visitor
to the show here we go
hey the uh
my name is devon
and i've been a fan for years listening to podcasts for a while
what's up devon
and thank you for making the call
devon is a famous english name devon
devon
hello devon
oh it's devon he's come
he's come looking for his dad
let's hear more brother
me and my buddies just saw your show in lafayette indiana last night
we drove four hours in the snow to get there and
man it was hilarious
and uh you know last year
really bad year for me i
you know had a girl rip my heart out my chest
and i suffered from a motorcycle accident
and
i just want to thank you for the part that you played and get me back on track
because i'm doing real well now
and it was just really nice to see you last night
you know
it was everything i thought would be as fucking hilarious dude
so uh you know gang gang
thank
thank you
gang baby thanks for the call devon and thanks for coming out there
yeah it got uh
i mean mother nature
you know she started serving that eight ball
it got real
it got icy out there
and it was right
the bus was heading in
we parked in the back
and it was just
the snow started building up
it was coming down
it was
i mean shit
it was damn romantic almost
you know
made you want to
made you want to touch your own penis almost
glad you came out
i'm glad you guys came out
and uh
they
i think somebody
i hope everybody made it
because they had a couple empty seats
and i thought
somebody
because it was incline
it was inclement weather
it was inclement weather man
it was uh
you know it's the kind of something
you send your spouse to the store
you know if you want
if you don't want them
you know
hey judy
why don't you go
get me some of that uh
prune juice
and next thing you know
dang judy
you know
she goes
she
you know
that embankment gang baby
you know what i'm talking about
r.i.p.b.c. baby
yeah it was just an inclement weather man
so it was
it was quite a time man
we
you know it was a great
week of shows overall
um
some were
when we got to chicago
it got real fired up
man that's when that
that crowd was electric
uh
i thought the crowds at
at lafayette
and at rockford
which was the next night
um
they were
it just
it was just a little bit more
of a sedate vibe
honestly
it just felt a little more
sedate in there
uh
but a lot of great folks
everybody i met was great
a couple nice gifts i got
somebody brought me this
into the wild book
um
this john krakauer
krakauer
got that hitter right here baby
that little lit hitter
from uh
nicole gave me this
another man gave me an
elon musk book
somebody
oh this was the roughest bro
so somebody sent me a
um
somebody sent me flowers
and a chocolate
you know
and i got backstage
and the shower was cold
that was
oh that was another thing
in
uh
in
lafayette
which is where
purdue indiana is
the boilermakers
engineering town
and these bitches
don't even have a damn
water uh heater
and it was cold
and dude i had a shower
it was so cold
bro i could
hear
dude i could feel
my
i could
it felt like that movie
ice age was playing
in my ass bro
on six screens dude
it felt like
oh man
it felt like a damn
woolly mammoth
was running around
in my
you know what i'm saying
bro it was just
it was
there was no
hot water in the thing
so i got in that shower
bro and that almost
killed me man
that almost shook me
down baby
that almost didn't get
out that shower
almost didn't get out
that shower
but anyway
somebody sent the chocolates
there was a note on top
it said i can't wait for you
to meet my son
your son
i can't wait for you
to meet your son
and i'm first i'm looking
at your son
and i thought so
you know
i thought your son
was like a asian name
you know
i didn't
so like
who's your son
you know i didn't know
if it was like a japanese
guy or whatever
so i'm just thinking
who's your son
i can't wait for you
to meet your son
and then
um
i'm like
oh my god
your son
then my head goes
oh my god
because this has always
been a fear of mine
you know
i've had my penis
and nuts a long time
and
and i've
i've always expected
that this could be
a reality
somebody drops off
that tall bambino
you know
they put him in a basket
he's 14
but he's just in a basket
on your doorstep
you know
it's that teenage easter
all of a sudden
for you right there
uh
and here was the crazy part
then i look over
my tour manager
standing there
tim
uh
bizzle
he's standing over there
and
he's dying
he's dying bro
because he saw the look
on my face
i was like
holy shit
somebody brought their
somebody brought my son
and um
and this was the wild part
then i went through
like
oh my god
thank god
then i had a moment
where i was like
oh damn bro
i wanted to meet my son
dude
part of me was bummed
that i didn't get to meet
this son
you know
this alleged
you know
possible son
so
that was uh
that was pretty
that was
that was quite a moment
and then somebody brought
this little baby dragon head
or something
and they approached
the stage with it
in chicago
and that was a little
that was a little strange
he just looks like
a damn senior citizen
like the last
look like
before they take
that last bite
of like a uh
maybe a little cake
or something
if you got a grandfather
or something like that
this look like
maybe a
like a skunk
got poisoned
or something
but
anyway
some nice gifts
thank you guys
who brought things
um
what's going on man
uh
oh the news
i see this
they had a lawsuit
against
dennis perkins
in the livingston parish
school system
alleges
cynthia perkins
uh
they supplied semen
in the cupcakes
and damn
that makes you
i mean
that
he just
oh
that's like
damn
wiener fentanyl
if that's in a
if that's in a baked good
that's you know
you just don't want
that in there baby
you know
and it's just
i guess
that's where we're at
is this
i mean it's
maybe people are starving
i don't know
what's going on
you know
i read
grapes of wrath
and uh
and at a certain point
things get so bad
they're breastfeeding
each other
but i can't imagine
even in livingston paris
louisiana
um
they put it in pastries
it says here
and energy drinks
damn
well look
the energy
you could argue
the energy drink part
but you can't
i mean
damn
you can't put a
look you know
you can't put more
you can't put more
you can't
you can't be doing that
you can't be
you can't be doing that
on eclair bro
you can't put more
doodle in a snicker bro
you know what i'm saying
dude um
what else
i'm not gonna make this
a real long episode today
um
i keep it pretty chill
i'm feeling a little
under the weather
i got kind of sick
actually in lafayette
i got
that day i started
having me a fever
and so i wasn't
feeling real well
and um
and here's another call
actually that came in
from there
let's go
what's up
this is tyler
from dayton ohio
what's up tyler
from dayton
and i spent time
