Name: Brotherly Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #384
Uploaded: 2022-03-17T09:59:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brotherly Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #384' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brotherly Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #384' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-17. Transcript available.

Brotherly Love | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #384

Happy St. Patrick's, how about it?
Happy St. Patrick's, baby.
You can, you know, it's, if you celebrate St. Patrick's, I want to wish you
well with it.
If you've ever found yourself in a shiny green hat, vomiting outside of a 7-Eleven,
then you are probably Irish.
If you've ever, if you hit about the age of 50 and you have the same haircut as
your wife,
that's an Irish staple, I feel like.
What else?
Oh, a lot of Irish men and women as they age, they got the same tits on them.
If you notice that.
They similarly jugged up.
You know, you see them.
They, that's a popular Irish thing.
You hit 50, 55.
You and your wife, who's almost your buddy now, you know, they just, they kind
of morph into the same being, it seems like,
or twins almost.
And they double-titted.
They got the same tits.
But happy St. Patrick's Day to you.
What else?
A lot of closeted gay happens during St. Pat's.
Because men, they get the tights.
It's a lot of liquor.
They're carrying around the, uh, in New Orleans at the St. Patrick's Day parade,
they'll carry this thing of flowers.
And then the men get drunker and they start kissing each other on the face even
at some point.
And I don't know what, at that point, I, that's when I would usually drive home.
But some men keep going and the parade keeps going and I don't know what
happened.
I just, you know, you just hope for the best for those guys.
You know, you hope somebody gets them a sandwich or kind of helps them.
Because you'll end up damn gay and not even want to be, you know, and it wasn't
a plan when you started out in the morning.
And that is, uh, St. Patrick's Day a lot.
What else?
Um, oh, dude.
I, uh, so the other day, I'm ordering.
I guess what I want to talk about is autism.
You know, I'm ordering some cottage cheese at a, uh, breakfast place.
I'm ordering some cottage cheese.
And it's, you know, it's a rare choice.
It is what it is.
I ordered it.
The guy goes, uh, I don't know if we have cottage cheese, but let me see what I
can do for you.
That's nice.
That's a sweet guy.
So I'll wait.
He brings over a bowl.
He brings over a bowl.
And it's like three or four pieces of cheese cut up in a little bitty squares
and shapes kind of just, and he just kind of stacked them all in a little bowl.
And I, I just, I mean, the shit just, I'm, I'm grateful.
You know, I didn't want, that's not how I, I didn't want things like that, but
the guy made an effort.
But I think what we're starting to see more and more is autism.
You know, we're starting to see it more as a, uh, it's a positive in this and
because here's what it is.
A lot of big business owners now, you know, uh, Jeff Bezos, um, Elon Musk, they
have autism.
You know, nobody wants to flat out say it, but if you're part computer, part
person, that's always what autism was.
Autism was that, you know, you know, was Danny calculator.
It was that dude who you would start talking.
You would reach out to shake his hand and he would kind of shake.
he would shake your hand with his eyes you know he would like kind of just look
look at you look
down look up look down look up like he was you know he's part computer it's
built into him and
those are people that are starting to rule the world because the world is
becoming more man and
more computer it's mur you know we're merging it's that man you know it's that
man pewter you
know that compumen you know it's that um it's that middle ground you'll put a
uh
you'll put your hand in a woman's pants and she'll have a damn uh you know a
quarter of a keyboard
down there you know and you'll just start typing in p you know c-l-i-t or you
know labby or whatever
however you spell it you know you don't even you're not even really touching
the genitals anymore you're
just typing in the words of it you know uh uh uh you're just uh uh uh uh uh
until they you know
i'm just saying we're starting to we're seeing the merging of people
and that's what you know it's just and those are people that are going to rule
the world because it's
it's just we're becoming more of both
we're becoming more computerized automated atm blender
you know you just so just being a human is not it's good but it's old-fashioned
the these these people that are doing it all now are people that can see both
worlds at once
and sometimes you get the jeff bezos sometimes you get the um sometimes you get
the elon musk
and sometimes uh you get patrick you get the dude who brought me
who cut up four pieces of cheese into a bowl
you know it's kind it's a light autism it's not helping anybody really but
you know it it helps you know it's
it it's it works at a diner a little bit i guess
anyway um i don't know exactly what i'm talking about but i never have and uh
and i'm grateful to be
here with you today and uh i mean that uh from all of my a orders let's uh let's
hear a little bit of this
come on come on we're gonna take it back baby
come on i'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could i be so far
from my home
and my mind is somewhere else but when i find it i'll patch up where it's been
come on baby
now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i
must be cornerstone
oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can
feel it
in my bones let's go but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that
parking brake and let myself
for a while shine that light on me
i'll sit and tell you my story
shine on me
and now we find a song i'm singing just for you
oh there we are that's shine by bishop gunn you know that
and that's that old hitter
and that's the that's the one that started it off for us
and here we are 384 383 episodes later
gang baby uh good to be with you today
what's going on not much man
not much really just kind of checking in with myself you know
you know there's something i like to ask myself well how are you feeling man
you know i do you know i'm not feel you know i'm that that feeling ferret baby
i'll scurry all across my damn
you know i'll i'll just
you know i really i'm right there on my feelings if you need my feelings i got
them it just for you baby
um yeah i like to ask myself what's going on what am i feeling what am i
thinking
what's got me excited what's got me scared you know where's my head at
where should my head be at i don't know um but i like to ask myself those
things what's going on
how are you feeling
and then answer myself well
sometimes i i don't want to answer myself when i'm feeling good
some of them i'll get into that little that spin cycle of uh
i just want to be feeling bad you know that permanent pressure
um
but sometimes it's like hey mama i i'm all right baby
i just got four pieces of cheese cut up in a small bowl son
you know i'm doing good i just met a girl she's got
uh she's got two keyboard titties it's you know i'm living i'm i'm in the
future
i'm doing good we're merging i wonder are we becoming more robots
you know you see these people that have the that have you know half a
calculator behind their eyes and
and uh and they're more uh operating system than they are heart
and you want you're like you know you start to wonder are they the next
evolution
am i just out here living in the stone age with my feelings
when three generations from now it'll be
you know it'll all you know
they'll have our feelings almost
well we've been taken over by some type of
or cross bread with a gigabyte and
and uh and you'll press a button on your hip and you'll smile
you know i just i don't i don't know what the future is going to be like i don't
know
but i believe that autism is that gray area where we're starting to see maybe
because it used to be somebody had autism like damn ricky's fucked up you know
oh damn ricky's over there licking that snake
ricky's licking snakes
but now you're like damn
you know ricky's ricky's licking snakes and uh
and he's running a damn app you know he owns four apps so you're like well he
really
he's doing well you know he started a damn petco on his phone
all book you know or he started selling leather goods because he learned the
you know he just tasted that
texture for so long on the back of that rattler and next thing you know
he's out here vending damn purses you know fendi purses or something
you know uh you know he's out here you know making milk snake uh
um
you know he's out here making milk snake sand skin sandals
for deaf children or whatever and he's you know he won an uh academy award or
whatever
and he's got autism i'm just saying i don't know i don't know anything and i
never have so
um what's going on i'm trying to think of what else is going on not much i'm
gonna go
i saw some uh music the other day went and watched some singer songwriters um
i'm enjoying my time out here in the central east right now
um march madness is here dude i love march madness i love it i love watching
the games
you know basketball starts at like 10 a.m god i love that i love that
you know i love that you can kind of be at work but you you know
you're cheering on colleges you never even heard bell armin colgate
uh ithaca you know um you know west we go state or whatever
gulf coast community college tech sunday school
go ravens you know you're just you don't even know what's going on you're
buying merch and
shit you know just you're dialed in and there's just great basketball all week
and i love that um
yeah what's going on i'm gonna get myself a piano my birthday's coming up i'm
gonna get myself a piano
um i'm looking forward to that you know i've wanted a piano for a long time so
i'm gonna have that
much uh and yeah that's kind of what's happening in my week really um yeah i
got up this morning and
uh i went over to the gym you know i'll get up and do a routine right now um i
get up and i make a
a uh i do prayers and then i do a gratitude list and a meditation um and then i
get into motion
i get moving baby i get you know wiener first is kind of my motto it's like
sometimes you can walk where your body your shoulders are first or your face is
first
we used to have this one fella he always kind of looked like this like his nose
was always first
looked like he was uh smelling booty you know body gas or something or sniffing
you know that butt hash
that if you know if somebody had been you know chiefing out their own butt
doing gas body gassing
fighting you know fighting if somebody been doing any of that he uh you'd um he
walked like he had nose
first first you know this fella steven like he was always like he was a
detective for uh body gas poop
gas but butt hash you know i'm talking about gas bought and um and uh so some
people walk like that nose
first some people walk knees first a lot of indian people if you have if you
have a friend who is in a uh
far eastern indian not native americans who are pretty much my new favorite
people too i want to say that
so uh but anyway if you are a uh indian you know like you know what i'm talking
about an indian dude
trucker or gas station guy it guy engineer uh sometimes they almost look like
black guys but they're not
you ever see a you see a black dude but he has regular hair you're like what
the that's an indian
dude or bangladeshi and they won't tell you if they're one or the other you got
to ask them you
almost have to tap on them and ask them and indian people they walk sometimes
knees first it's hard
it's very they do they will do it but my new thing wiener first if you got that
wiener if you are
leading with that vestibule of seed baby that wiener and then you you're
telling the world hey
get this that you know that's what you're telling the world you're saying hey
you gonna come at me
i'm gonna give you this serving right up and there's something powerful about
that
to walk with your loin with that bag baby you know with that bag and branch
baby with that bat
with that bat and satchel baby you know what i'm saying with that root and them
seed buckets baby
there's something powerful to say you know what i'm putting it all forward
there's something powerful
