Name: David Spade | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #390
Uploaded: 2022-04-26T07:26:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Spade | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #390' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Spade | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #390' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

David Spade | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #390

I want to thank everybody for being a part of my life and I want to let you
know that I have some
new tour dates. I am going to be Los Angeles May 7th. We added a show there at
the Wiltern.
Albuquerque, May 18th. Midland, Texas, May 19th. Lubbock, May 20. And May 21,
Dallas, Texas. We've
added another show there. So get your friend or somebody. Get somebody you love
and bring them.
Grab somebody by the hand and say, hey, babe, we're going to go get involved in
something good.
We also have Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd, Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd, and
Montgomery, Alabama, June 4th,
as well as Columbus, Georgia, June 5th. And some new dates down in Florida. We
have June 23rd in
Hollywood, Florida. June 24, Fort Myers, Florida, down there, military area, I'm
guessing.
And June 25 over in Daytona Beach, Florida. You come over there, bring them sunburnt
titties
out with you and bring that skin cancer with you, baby, in Daytona. Everybody
out there smoking
on them Dorals and huffing on Winston's. You'll see a newborn come out and he
got his, he'll have
a little lighter in his hand hunting a Doral. That's Daytona Beach, Florida,
June 25. June 26 down
there in Lakeland, Florida. I appreciate all you guys love and support. Tickets
are on sale
now at TheoVaughn.com/tour. That's TheoVaughn.com/tour. And yeah, I'm just
grateful for you guys.
Thank you so much. We have the new Gang Gang hoodies and coffee mugs available,
along with
the Rat King t-shirt and that bobble head, that bee head, baby. If you need
some head,
borrow mine. Check that out and more at TheoVaughnStore.com.
Today's guest is the star of many films and television series. He's a friend of
mine. And yeah, I can't
even believe I get to be his friend. That's just been, that's been very
exciting and inspiring.
He is a hero to many. He's a comedy legend. He is part of the Fly on the Wall
podcast with Dana Carvey.
You can check that out. And he also has a new Netflix special called Nothing
Personal.
I'm very happy to be sitting here with David Spade.
For me to set that parking brake, and let myself unwind, shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories, shine on me, and I will find a song I've been
singing just for
a long time.
Oh, I definitely have OCD. When I think about growing up, I used to think that
there was like
boogeymans, you know, so I would like, I'd have to open the closet and like,
look up, look at this
corner, that corner, that corner. Where are we going? Please say you're rolling.
Like just, I was in just
severe, dude, this is the thing. We actually had a question that came in, put
it, this is perfect time,
and why don't you get that up? Who are these hotties? Hey, Theo. Hey, David.
Which one of
you two would win in a fight? Oh, is this even a tough question? I don't know.
I think you could
win, man. No, listen. The only chance I have at anybody is if all my anger for
my dad leaving me
comes out at once. Because it's fucking percolating in there, believe me. And I
get fucked with all the
time. Always been fucked with as a kid. Always been. That's why I felt bad for
Chris Rock. I go,
he was always picked on. And you, you grow up like that. And then when I'm on
dates, people
see a pretty girl and they go, oh, he's, oh, he's this fucking guy. So I've had
him step right
between us and start going, hey, talking. And I'm like, I'm, she has a date.
And they're like,
oh, and then I go, oh. And even a girl sometimes goes, hey, come on, I'm with
somebody.
And they go, come on, baby. And so it's humiliating because they, they know I
probably won't fight.
Right. Oh, I see what you're saying. And they're 100% right.
But unless you had that one power pop. Right. And so I even told Glazer,
I see any of these UFC guys, I go, just if it goes down, where do I start? So
obviously I'm going to
lose. But where do I start? You want a good shot. So I get something. And then
they at least go,
this little fucking pussy hit me. Yeah. Because my brother used to beat the
shit out of me and hold me down. And it was, there's so much anger and rage,
but long story
short, you'd win, but we would never fight. And you got a cool shirt on today.
We would never fight.
Thank you, man. You're not fighting. A guy gives you these compliments. I
appreciate it. That's a
great call. That's a great point. Where'd you get? That's a good shirt. Dude,
Sugar Sean gave us these. We saw his fight, man. Oh yeah, that's right. We went
to the UFC fight.
Everyone loves walking around there and Theo's like this. Everyone's like, Rat
King,
squeak, squeak. He's like, whatever. He's throwing cheese. Yeah. You're like
this.
You kind of walk like this. You got to sit by Halle Berry, which is definitely.
Oh, that's
right. Shit. We haven't even talked about that. That was next level. Halle
Berry was so nice
and so fun. I know we're barely, but you know, when you sit right next to him,
uh, you're, you have to talk to him. Yeah. And I have to go, who's this guy?
You know, I do fake
questions. I know what's going on. Yeah. But I go, do you think they're going
to wind up scrapping?
And she's like, in the main event? Yeah. I think they're going to eventually
hit each other. I go,
good, good, good. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Sometimes you'll just ask chick stuff
just to get,
just to like, just have my answer or you make them sound smart. I go, oh yeah,
you know a lot.
She goes, are the fighters going to fight? Yeah. And I go, ooh, someone's been
here before.
Yeah. You eat dinner in the evening. Yeah. Just easy stuff. And then something
happened. I think
we spilled her drink or something happened, but we're right there. And then
remember Jared Leto
talked to you. Yeah. That was cool. Yeah. At first I was like, damn, that chick's
fine as
fuck. Then I'm like, oh, that's Jared Leto. And he's still fine. And he's still
pretty good looking,
man. Jesus. Yeah. We stumbled him to him. We were on the, on the way to the
back to try to
go to just get some food or something. There's a back room and
he was just sitting outside. Yeah. Remember? That was fun talking to him. He
was sitting
outside like a raven. Yeah.
Yeah. He was like up on it. Now we're more. Yeah.
Yeah. He did. And then we walked by and we're like, is that a person? Yeah. We're
like, damn.
I thought he'd fall away. Yeah. Then he flew off. But he goes,
hey dudes. And then he said, he was very nice. Yeah. And then he said,
did he live somewhere near you or something? He's from Louisiana. Oh, okay.
So he chatted about that. I was like, oh, I'm out on this one. You're like, oh,
I'm from Arizona. I'm like, I heard it rains hard there. I'm like, I'm from
Sheriff Joe country.
I go, one time we were all at a scorpion convention in Arizona. I'm like, who
cares?
I mean, it's sort of interesting. I had a bolo tie with a scorpion in it.
Remember I told you the
other day? I go, put a bolo tie with a scorpion in it. Yeah. And they have
those. Yeah. AZ all
the way. So we were at the fight. We had a good time. We saw Dana. We saw Dana.
Oh yeah. We sat
right behind Dana White and he would tell us what's going on. It was fun. He'd
be like, get out
your blood cups on this one. You're going to get us. You're like, it's big. It's
like being in a
Gallagher show. Yeah. Yeah. One time he like even had some blood on his hand
and he rubbed it on my gums.
He goes, you want a gummer? Yeah. He's like, oh, this will help a little
vitamin O. It is. They go,
all right, put on your blood rain coats like Gallagher. And they smashed the
guy's head.
Yeah. I think Rogan, was he at that one or not? Yeah. He was there. So that was
a wild one, man.
That was a good one. There were some comics repping. Yeah. It's fun. But a lot
of people knew you.
It doesn't shock me, but it is, that is sort of your crowd though. Who is it?
You mean like
ruffians or like UFC people? Yeah. Yeah. We've had a decent amount of
UFC guys that have been on here actually. There's a picture of Dustin Diamond
Poirier right there.
Somebody made us. Oh yeah. Well, you know, it was fun to see him in the back,
just walking around.
Yeah. Oh, and we saw a member who was there. Oh yeah. Remember right when we
walked in,
Dustin came over and said, what's up to us? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.
All those guys
are very cool. That was cool. I was like, knock him out. And he's like, uh-uh.
Oh, but then remember, didn't he lose? He didn't win. He lost? He came in
second.
That's right. Or it was, that was hard for you to say. And it was hard. It was
hard for all of us,
but the hard one was- One B. He came in one B. He was, uh, he almost won. He
almost,
there you go. He almost won. And, uh, it was tight. And then, uh, he's such a
fuck,
his mitts are so huge. He shakes hands. He's like, I'm like, oh, yeah. So then
he's,
we see him. And remember we're like, should we say something? Cause you don't
want to look like an
asshole. Like, I don't want to talk to you cause you lost, but we want to say
hi. But you know,
sometimes it's like, if you have a bad set, you don't want people coming up and
giving you fake
compliments and shit. But he was, he was pretty cool. He, and he's always
really affable, you know,
real super nice and stuff. He was, um, he was pretty cool afterwards, even
though, you know,
I mean, I know it's just, that's kind of stuff. It's hard. He's very polite,
even though his head was spinning. I'm sure like, what am I doing? That was, he
was so bummed.
I'm sure. Yeah. And this dude was good. He was at night, right? Yeah. He is.
Sugar was out there.
He's a real. And he's AZ, right? Yeah. He's Arizona boy. Just had him on here
like a week ago.
We're getting out there. Did you play any sports growing up? Did you play any?
I could see you
doing like baseball. I could see you like baseball and you're like the guy that
bunts every time or
something. They send you in. You're like the mighty bunter. They say, "bunt
with your dick." Just stick it
out there and let it hit you in the nuts. And then it's going to go about a
foot and then you run. And I go,
if you can run out of your dick by a ball. I go, how would I do that? I go,
you don't have any feeling down there, do you? Don't you have like a little puss?
And I go,
well, that's rude. And also it's a coach. He goes, I'm a coach. I'm not a
scientist.
I'm just guessing by eyeballing you. So, but I would, I did play second base
and I did like,
oh yeah, I loved that. I love baseball. And that's the hot corner. Second base
is the hot corner.
Second base was hot. It was actually more responsibility than you think.
Oh no, I think it's all the responsibility. Short sucks too, but, but those are
the two
good ones, but you're getting shelled. Yeah. I mean, that's, there's action.
And then the coach's like,
this is fucking pipsqueak. He's getting too much action. And then the worst is
in third grade that,
the, the pitcher went down. Oh, what happened? I got called up.
Like wild thing. To pitch? Yeah. The biggest puss in the tri-state area. They
go,
Spade, you're up. I go, up what? I go, I can barely throw it to first from
second.
So I have one bounce. So I pitched, I, and I was like this doing all the histronics,
like stretching and shit. I was terrified. Were you licking your face? Like,
do you even know what to do? Were you like doing some of the wrong?
Yeah. I was like, I had like a cornhole bag, spinning it around. I don't even
know why.
And then, uh, it looked professional. And then I, I was, I was sharpening my
cleats.
I was like, are we starting yet? And then I pitched and these guys were so
excited
because it was just home run derby. I think I got 11 hits in a row. And then
they go,
what were we thinking? Coach fired. There was a, uh, a quick vote in the stands
to fire the coach.
Yeah. So that I played kickball and, uh, yeah, I think everyone played kickball.
That was the last
time it was kind of even. And then I play, I went up for football. Oh, that was
psychotic.
What?
Yeah, dude.
Where?
What school were you at?
Scrappy Saguaro in Scottsdale