Name: Maui Milkshake | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #393
Uploaded: 2022-05-17T21:50:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Maui Milkshake | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #393' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Maui Milkshake | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #393' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-17. Transcript available.

Maui Milkshake | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #393

I like this one.
Whenever you're down, out in the cold, faithless and dark, your story's untold,
come take
my hand and walk there with me, I know a place where we can be free, there is a
light shining
for you, guiding your pain, helping me through, shadows and gloom are all that
you see, we're
going to find a place where we can be free, there is a light.
And that, yeah, that is, uh, there is a light.
We played it a month ago on there, right around Easter.
On that, uh, belated bunny episode, we played that there is a light by Stone
Keepers featuring
David Manway, Manu, Manu, Manu, Manu, Manu.
Why?
Something.
Um, yeah, look, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's, uh, middle of May.
And, um, a lot going on in the world.
It's springtime, baby.
You know, you could hear the bees in the distance.
They're out there.
They out there honey hunting them bees, baby.
You can hear them.
You can hear that buzz, baby.
You can hear just Mother Nature just trying to just, just trying to skeet all
over the place.
You know, it just, it's pretty romantic, actually.
If you fall asleep, put your ear by the window before you go to bed.
You can hear them.
I mean, you just, the bees are up at night.
They just, everything's just trying to bloom and bust and, and just go on dates
and just
everything.
I mean, it is damn senior prom for Mother Nature right now, baby.
We are in the midst of spring.
Yeah, and I just got back from, uh, Maui.
I went on a small vacation for myself, uh, to get, just get my, just let my
credentials
get in order.
Just let the, just to let the sand settle inside of me a little bit.
And, um, and it felt good.
You know, if you've never been to Maui, you got to go there.
I mean, it's a lot of honeymooners.
So that was, you know, there's a lot of people holding hands and then some,
sometimes everybody
was holding hands so much.
I found, I would just put one of my hands out and then just hold, just hold it
with the
other hand just so I didn't feel out of place sometimes.
And so, you know, I kind of walked around like a lot of, uh, you know, you know,
a lot
of religious guys will do that too.
They'll shake your hand.
They put the other hand on top of it.
They make that little hand, uh, hand, hand sandwich kind of out of, you know,
just thank
you for coming.
You know, people do that a lot of times at funerals.
They put, they shake the hand, they put the other hand on, they double, there
you go.
Just a little hand threesome right there.
Just thank you for coming.
You know, people will do that when they just double hand you.
The first time it ever happens usually is at a church that somebody, somebody
will double
hand you like, damn, what happened?
You know, especially I remember being young and just learning to shake hands.
You didn't know exactly how to, you know, sometimes I'd put my hand in
backwards and just fucking
just, you know, I'd put my thumb facing down and whoever was shaking your hand
didn't know
what the hell to do.
You know, the guy just, sometimes he just loses, just, he'd come out the damn
closet.
He didn't even know what was happening, you know, just cause if you, if you put
your hand
out and just the thumb is, it just blows somebody's mind in a handshake, it's
really, you can just
really, somebody who's just been going through life, very organized, shaking
hands, you hit
them with that upside down handshake and they just fucking, they can't handle
it.
You know, they'll damn, you know, they'll fucking get a divorce.
They don't, they just don't know what's going on.
Um, and then you, when you're, when you're growing up, handshaking is such a,
man, I remember
when I first, somebody like, well, shake their hand, they, you know, your mom
tells you shake
their hand and you don't, you know, you suddenly need to put your hand out that
you don't know
at first.
And then, and then one time my dad introduced me to somebody and the guy shook
my hand so
hard.
And I remember thinking, all right, motherfucker.
All right, boy.
I'll fucking punch your little kid in the neck when I see him.
I just remember just thinking, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to get these
bitches back.
This shit ain't over.
I remember that the guy, my dad introduced me to the guy and the guy just shook
my, my hand
so hard.
And I just remember thinking, all right, bitch, this shit ain't over.
And I had just, I, you know, just a lot, you know, so much happens in a handshake,
especially
when you're learning the ropes of handshaking.
It's a crazy time for a young fella or young woman.
So then when you shake somebody's hand and they do the dub, when they, they do
this regular
handshake, and then they put their hand on top of your, on the back of your
hand.
And they're just running a train on your hand with their hands.
It's just, it's too much.
You're like, what?
I didn't know we could do that.
I thought you could only do one.
Just the rules keep changing.
You know, you're like, I thought we could only do one hand.
And this dude's tagging in his partner.
This dang, you know, this guy's, you know, the Steiner brothers, every, I
thought, you
know, it was just a, um, a cage match and he's running a damn Royal Rumbel on
my hands.
It just, uh, I remember this, just the slippery slopes of shaking hands and of
learning what
it was all like.
And that was kind of interesting to me.
And then I dated a gal for a while that would do a hard handshake.
And I'm like, Oh, I didn't want to introduce her to people.
Cause I knew she'd just be rattling them.
Just, you know, just damn, just, you know, testing their joints.
Every time you fricking introduced her to somebody, she would just test their
joints.
It felt like just, uh, that was tough.
Jesus.
I remember that.
That was tough.
Um, anyway, what's going on.
I'll get into it.
I went over to, um, to Maui, Hawaii to have a vacation for myself.
And, um, and man, it just, it's so nice.
And we got some beautiful calls that came in.
And we'll get into a little bit of the news and, uh, yeah, just living today,
baby, living
and just letting the Lord just hold my ass.
Um, I want to let you know these tour dates this week, actually, uh, Wednesday,
I'll be
in Albuquerque, um, uh, New Mexico, Thursday, I'll be in Midland, Midland,
Texas, uh, Friday,
May 20th.
I'll be in Lubbock, Texas, and then, uh, May 21st.
I'll be in Dallas, Texas, the following, uh, beginning of June 2nd, Savannah,
Georgia.
If you have friends over there, tell them to come through Augusta, Georgia,
June 3rd,
Montgomery, Alabama, June 4th, and Columbus, GA, June 5th.
Um, then I'll be in Florida, June 23rd to the 26th, Hollywood, Florida, Fort
Myers.
Daytona Beach, and Lakeland, Florida.
And that's all in June.
Go to TheoVon.com slash T-O-U-R to get those tickets.
Go through those links.
Don't let them get you on that secondary market.
You know, those secondary tickets, they might have fentanyl in them.
You don't know.
You don't know what's in them.
Um, so we just want you to get that firsthand, uh, at the, you know, uh, fair
price tickets.
What else?
Oh, yeah, I went over to, we had some great shows out in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
And, man, I just want to thank everybody that came through there.
That place had been, it had been sold out for months, they said.
And, uh, the staff there was all excited.
And, um, yeah, I got into town over there.
I was feeling a little rattled.
So I went and hit an AA meeting right before the show over there off of Lewis
Drive over there.
They got a spot over there.
I think the Unanimity Club or something deal.
And I went over there with my shady ass handshake and just, you know, that hand,
it's just, if somebody teaches you wrong how to hand, you just, you know, it
just is interesting how somebody, that's the first thing they teach you.
You know, it's just, uh, you know, it's just interesting.
Um, yeah, just a beautiful time over there in, um, in Tulsa.
And the staff, they said, you know, that that show had been sold out for months.
And, uh, it was just a lot of good people.
I met three guys named Tyler in the lobby in a row.
I went down before the show to get me a little burger or something, you know, a
little while.
I didn't know what I wanted.
And that's the worst.
The worst thing to do is wander downstairs into a casino, not sure what you
want.
Cause you could end up with anything, son.
You could end up with a little bit of, uh, hamburger.
You could end up with a damn, uh, debt.
You could end up with a hooker.
You could end up with, uh, gay men chasing you.
Men hookers.
So I think that has to be a new rule for me is, but when I leave a hotel room
to have
a plan in a, uh, casino, but yeah, I went down there and met three Tylers in a
row.
I said, well, damn, too bad this, you know, that it's not a human slot machine
where you
get three Tylers and you win something.
Cause I met three Tylers in a row.
Boom, boom, boom.
Tyler, Tyler, Tyler.
Hey, my name's Tyler.
Hey, I'm Tyler.
Guess what?
Tyler.
So it was just triple Tylers, man, right out the gate over there.
And, uh, yeah, I wish I'd gotten to meet everybody that came out.
We stayed after and met a, met a, met some people that milled around in the
lobby.
And, uh, I'm grateful for that.
Um, and then we went on, oh, Los Angeles.
Dude, that was crazy.
Uh, that was, that was crazy.
I mean, the crowds were so, um, it was during the Netflix is a joke festival
and Netflix didn't
do shit for us.
So I want to thank everybody that came out and supported, uh, Netflix did all
the advertising
for so many other acts and they didn't give us shit.
And, uh, and our crowd came out and showed love, man.
So thank you guys.
Um, that meant a lot to me and those shows, damn, just, you know.
So they had a dude in there, uh, who kept trying to show me his tattoo during
the show.
This guy had a tattoo on his back of angel wings.
And the whole time he's trying to show me the tattoo.
And I'm just thinking, finally, I kind of see what he's saying.
And I'm like, all of this and I don't give a fuck, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm like, that was a, like, I'm glad you got it.
But damn, dude, you know, like you don't have to, this is the, this is in the
time and
place for all this, dude.
The guy kept trying, he kept like kind of giving these hand motions and pulling
his shirt.
I didn't know what he was doing.
I don't know if he was doing laundry.
I didn't know what the guy was doing, but none of it made any sense.
And then finally his buddy, this little guy with him who looked like he had, um,
the buddy
looked like somebody had smoked, had smoked him.
It looked like somebody had taken his friend and put him in a pipe and took a
couple hits
off him.
You know, the dude just looked a little crisp, a little crisp out.
Uh, and I think he even had like kind of burn marks, not like on his skin, but
it's on
his clothes.
Like somebody had, um, tried to, you know, do like a maybe small campfire or
something
like right next to him.
Like he had that kind of vibe, you know?
But anyway, that guy finally pulled up his buddy's shirt and he's pointing at,
like, I
don't, I don't.
And that's when I realized I don't give a fuck about that.
Like there's a lot of things I do want to care about, but seeing a grown man's
angel
wing tats is not, that is nowhere on my list of, uh, things that I really want
to care about.
But yeah, thank you to everybody that came out, man, and showed love.
And, um, those, those shows were nuts.
They were just, people were cheering so much.
It was like hard to even pay attention.
I didn't, there were times where I turned around and looked behind me.
I thought there was something like there was a football game going on behind me.
It was just, it was live, man.
It was really live.
Um, what else occurred?
Oh, I'll tell you about this, man.
So, oh, I went over to Maui and if you haven't been to Maui, then you got to do
it.
You know, one of the nice things is the place shuts down early.
So nine o'clock, you're in bed.
Everybody's in bed.
Every, you can feel the, everybody is in bed d