Name: Albuquerque | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #396
Uploaded: 2022-06-08T22:53:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albuquerque | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #396' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albuquerque | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #396' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-08. Transcript available.

Albuquerque | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #396

all right if it is it is baby that's what they say sometimes
you know i used to go to the water park by my house growing up
and it wasn't real close to us but it was
you know close enough you couldn't go barefoot over there you had to put on
shoes that's how
far away it was and we go to the water park and uh it wasn't i mean it wasn't
much of a place
you know the biggest attractions out there they had um a water slide and they
had uh
allegedly they had the coldest root beer in the area so you'd go in there and
people be like it
ain't that cold i can handle it you know you know people drive down from the
north you know from
canada and saskatchewan you know michigan they drive down i can handle it i can
handle it
and they drive down there and i remember you'd go in the general store over
there at that water park
it's called lando pines
and um you'd go in the general store there and man it was when you even open
the door to
that general store it was frosty in there
you see the polar express go by in the distance
and you get in there and you'd be barefoot because you just come from the um
you just come from the water slide in the pool and you'd be barefoot rocking
around in there and it's
so cold i remember as a child trying to get back close to the uh cooler where
that root bear was
and i remember hugging it you'd hug anybody was in here help me
i remember there was an old woman by the baked beans one time and i just damn
got right up in between her legs for a minute honestly just trying to get to
that root bear
and you'd get finally you get back near the thing and you'd have you
two or three of us kids pulling on that root bear on the uh
the cage it was in it was in like a big cage big glass cage a big aquarium
you know because it would just it was so powerful and so cold and you'd have to
pull on that door
and get your little buddy help me terrence help help terrence
and a little daniel be over there another he'd be pushing against the damn door
he thought he was
helping and he's over there just you know he's leaning on that back like that
come on man
and finally you get it open you get that door open
santa come walking out that bitch i mean it had been you know it was cold in
there santa come out
you'd have a damn uh um you know a little uh a damn penguin come walking out
that bitch
and he'd been in there looking at pornography and you're like damn how do you
know how can he even
touch himself he just got them two rudders on him he don't even have a he can't
grip nothing
but he was doing it anyway you could see the shame on his face but you get that
the uh glass door open
and all these root bears would be sitting there you could barely see it was so
cold this fierce coldness is coming at you
and the lady at the counter was like close the door
and you grab one dude he took all the energy you had inside just to grab one
and lock onto that can
and you did at that moment you damned the makers of the root beer because why
they put it in this cold the can is cold
and you got and then you bounce that thing all the way up to the register you
and your friend
tossing it to each other
you set it on the desk on the counter
and that lady would be like you know 65 cents
and mama giving you a little bit of money and you put your money up there and
you get it
and you walk out of there man and
just out into the distance
out into that just they're back into the world the warm world
and you'd gone on an adventure you'd gone and you'd read you gotten something
you've gotten a piece of dang you've gotten you a thing you'd gotten a
you'd had a journey getting that name just so cold
and then you couldn't take your hands off the can armor one time my hands got
stuck to the can
damn all day just you know i look like a you know like one of those guys
outside of a of a macy's or
something at christmas you know trying to you know beg for money shaking that
can
you know i couldn't eat you just couldn't get my hands off of the can i couldn't
un can my hands
those are the days man that's what i miss about summer i miss going over there
to lando pines
and you'd want and some of them they had red root beer it was this barks root
beer and it was red red
and you'd sip that and make your lips all red and pretty
and you'd wander out into that you know they had a lot of weird
perverts out there baby pedophiles out there living out there barbecuing
you'd see a guy in the distance out there you know putting damn lotion on his
arms and grilling up a couple
uh um johnson's brats like damn what's he you know that guy even got a family
you know and just putting cologne on you'd see a man putting cologne on by
himself
and grilling wieners and grilling franks god
but those are the days man i missed that about summer i missed that about being
a child when everything was
an adventure those days of even just being out there at lando pines water park
and walking into that cooler
and getting you a cold root beer
you know everything when you're young everything was an adventure
and i miss that you know i do
let's get into it
come on baby
we're gonna make it guys
we're gonna make it i'm gonna make it
so are you i'm gonna come up yeah feels real good after i've been so blue
i'm on a camera
it feels so good to have a brand new view oh yeah yeah yeah 89 volt well i just
broke up with my baby
now i know i can finally get the love on you
well i just moved up to lucky street when the mayor came and said to me you're
on the camera
and it's plain to see between now you and me we got so much loving and
chemistry
wow right there and that's eddie nine volt and they're singing the come up
you know and that's what you have you have to you have to believe that you're
on the come up that's a big thing
believing that there's something that you are on a on a on a forward turn
that you're on a that your projection overall
is upward you got to believe that you got to believe that i hope you do
if you're feeling like you don't i hope you i'll be able to just to remodel
that
and don't listen to yourself for a second and listen to me and let me tell you
that you are on the come up you are you are and whatever you're going through
or dealing with
or been dealt with you know you playing blackjack with the with the devil baby
that's a life is
just you sitting right there hit me hit me hit me you know and then bust damn
you know it's just so whatever you've been dealt or you whatever you're dealing
with just
slow the game down
look for the waitress order of water you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine
um man i uh oh i got to go see hank williams jr last night out here in the
central east baby
and if you haven't seen this man you know thunderhead baby you know what i'm
talking about
this man he's a real rost about you know he's a real uh he's a real he's like a
like a
he's a i mean he is just a damn super honky
that's what he is baby he's a real he's got i mean he's got music he's got
music built into him
you know you pat him on the back a damn ballad will come out of him
i bet when they burped him as a baby i bet uh you know a couple of b flats fell
right off his tongue
i mean that felt he just he's got this gumption in him
and a lot of you guys know who he is you know he you know he's a legend he's
legendary
and he's legend non-dairy he's like you know he's he's he's probably also a
lactose-free legend
because i don't know if legendary is
i don't know what that i don't know if that's cheese based or what it is
but he is um he's a whisper he's this whispery
whiskey whiskey whisker cat he's this
he's kind of this fat cat that's never been neutered kind of you know he just
it was interesting to watch him it was really interesting to watch him um i've
gotten to know
some of his family over the years uh mildly you know just by acquaintance and
uh anyway i got to go
see him play live and that was uh that was quite a treat him and uh dan auerbach
from the black keys
were over there and a lot of other beautiful women and men i think and somebody
else was on stage they
could i think it was a woman or man it could have been a man could have been a
thicker woman
not sure the angle i was at you know i don't know but anyway beautiful music
and uh and just a good
time and also i'll tell you what else i got to see i got to see you guys i got
to see you guys uh
went out to albuquerque over there i haven't talked to you since that albuquerque
somebody's like
i said welcome to abacaca it's like how many cares are in abacaca i said man i'm
happy to be
here i said he goes where and i said and they trick you because they want to
hear you say it
because they know you can't say it well because nobody can because they can't
also
and then the man said i said i'm happy to be here and the guy goes where and i
was like alba
i'll bear back here
hey kitty and the guy's like oh you mean alba
this the whole day they don't even if you look at it on the map it says a l b e
r
k k k k k k k and then has a bunch of just dots like what is it one of the cues
has a line going
over the top of it you know like unlimited cues or whatever damn you know and
one of the cues if
you look real close you can see him over there carrying a couple other little
cues on his little
you know his little hip or whatever that thing is a little goiter whatever cues
have on them
but damn it and albuquerque here that place is that place is insane bro
i never seen anything like that bro i know that people thank you first of all
for coming out
the show was good that that one was it was a little tough in that venue i felt
like but it was good
um and i was just so grateful to i mean people came out they got babysitters
they drove they made this
effort and they came to see me man and that's what i'm saying thank you thank
you thank you
thank you for that support and i mean they had dang uh everybody people like
dude they got aliens man
they got aliens bro they have alvatos out they got like area uh uh 151 out
there hey dog you believe in
area 151 like what yeah dog you know what i'm talking about alien is papa like
what dog like
i'm talking about aliens dog you like area 51 you know what i'm talking about
area 151 and alba
bro i fucking and dude the crazy part is everybody there is talking about
aliens and the aliens are the
people bro we went into the um we went to a loves gas station because
everything shuts down and now be
yay
at probably about midnight or probably at 10 p.m
bro we had to walk because one of the ubers the man said i ain't coming over
there i'm like all
right you know we'll figure it out we'll do old-fashioned so we walked you know
the original ubers
baby you know i'm talking about feet and kneecaps baby that freaking ligament
that the you know
them little ligament uh you know them bangers baby them lifters legs
i'm like all right we'll use these bitches and uh so we start walking first guy
we see has a
sword okay that's wild guy had a sword on him he was a grown man too
and we just didn't want to kind of he was he was a lot he was walking around
but you could tell he was
asleep so he's one of those sleep swordsers so it was just one of those he's
almost like one of those
like on a game on a video game if you don't get close to them they don't know
you're there
kind of he was like that so like all right let's just maneuver around um this
little guardian
of the uh greyhound he was basically guarding a greyhound station
um but anyway what was i talking about oh albuquerque yeah but everybody there
they talk
about the alien but the aliens are there amongst the people they're so mixed in
and we went to a
gas station and this guy in there was just walking like just like he moved like
his head he kept
moving his arms up above his heads while he walked like oh dog i'm looking for
some rolos
i'm looking for a whatchamacallit and everybody there had a parole officer with
them
and that blew my mind but that's solid police work and um and thank you that
was that was great man
over there now that was gr