Name: Off The Bike | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #398
Uploaded: 2022-06-21T08:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Off The Bike | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #398' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Off The Bike | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #398' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-21. Transcript available.

Off The Bike | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #398

Happy Father's Day, everybody.
If you're a father, if you have fathered something,
if you'd ejaculated out of your body and that grew up somewhere,
then that means you, bubby.
That means you're a daddy, you're a dad, or a stepdad even now.
They got that second string dad, that backup,
the Mark Brunel of parents, you know, that stepdaddy.
And a lot of those men will get mustaches as well.
A lot of times you see a stepdad gets that, you know,
it's like the sheriff's badge of stepdads.
It's that mustache, baby.
That dirty word curtain, baby.
You know what I'm talking about.
That mustache.
But, yeah, Happy Father's Day to everybody.
If you did it and if you enjoyed it,
it's a nice day, I think, for commemoration.
You know, a nice day to stop and look at the ball,
just, you know, really think about the ball bag you came out of.
You know, and it's interesting that God and Mother Nature
use a ball bag to get you out into the world.
It's kind of exciting, really, to think that the first thing you did
was flew out of somebody's wiener.
It's like going for a damn jog right out of just, you know.
I mean, that's crazy.
It's crazy when you think that, that the first thing you ever did was,
you know, that you flew out of somebody's penis, bro.
But that's, I mean, it's, it's real brave.
It's adventurous.
It's damn brave of you.
So, next time, if you're looking at, you know, a mountain,
you know, climbing up something or doing a water slide,
you're like, I can't do it.
Okay, man, baby, you know you can.
You know you can.
You know, my dad was real old.
My dad, he was a senior citizen when I was born.
And, you know, I have some memories.
I wish I had more memories of him.
That's what I wish I had.
And when you're real young,
you're not thinking about making memories with your dad.
You don't think about, you know, it's the dad's more his responsibility
kind of to think, let's make some memories together.
And, yeah, my dad, man, I remember he used to do this game, too.
He would put us on our belly, you know.
My dad would put me on my belly on the ground
or on a carpet, indoor ground.
And he put change.
He'd get as much change as he had in his pocket.
And he'd put it on my back.
And he'd say, okay, if you could, you know, turn,
if you can get up
and
without any change
falling off your back,
you can keep the change.
If you can kind of turn around and get,
and
and it's impossible.
I never could do it.
And I would get furious
and I would never get any money from him.
And he also never even, I don't think,
paid child support later on.
So, you know,
so it's
Happy Father's Day, guys.
We'll get into it.
You know,
I know a lot of you guys are fathers out there.
And
congratulations.
And I hope you enjoyed your day.
I hope you felt loved by your family.
And let's see what the world has for us here, gang.
Come on, baby.
That classic, baby.
Amen.
I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be
cornerstone.
Oh,
but when I reach that ground,
I'll share this peace of mind.
I found I can feel it
in my bones.
Amen.
But it's gonna take
a little time
for me to set that parking brake
and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my story
Shine on me
Come on.
And I will find a song
I will sing it just for you
There we are, baby.
That's Shine by Bishop Gunn.
And you know that
that's really the
that's the national anthem
of this podcast.
You know that right there.
That's that damn
national anthem
of this podcast.
What's going on?
What's good in the world?
We're coming up on
summer solstice.
And that's that long day, baby.
And that's where the day
I mean, the day just had
that extended cab.
You know, that's where the day
really just stretches
its legs out.
You can see the clock
doing yoga over there.
It's getting long.
That summer solstice, baby.
You look in the distance, man.
You'll see, uh...
You'll see Dracula
or wolves
or any type of nighttime animal.
You see them over there
looking at their watch.
Like, I should have, you know.
Am I late for work?
You see any nighttime
creatures or critters,
you see them looking
at their watch.
Man, come on, man.
I must be late for work.
Because the day just...
The day really just
punches the nighttime
right in the damn night dick.
And that's what happens, baby.
Because the day just does
it all that it can.
On that summer solstice,
that thing is long.
It's a long day.
It's a good day
to, uh...
To spend time
with somebody you care about
to do a little
something extra.
You know,
if you usually just
go right home,
there's not enough time.
You go,
hey, let's take
the long way home.
Let's drive by
and see something.
See something, uh...
Or do something.
Go check a sunset.
Take a little lady bird
out there with you
to the sunset.
Touch on each other
a little bit.
Do something right.
Let the cops pull up.
What are y'all doing?
Touching each other.
All right.
Sometimes if you tell them
honestly,
they'll just drive off,
you know.
Guy,
I remember one time
pulled up on me.
I was over there
by a lake
and the cop pulled up.
He's like,
what are you doing?
I was like,
feeling on some tits.
And he drove off, bro.
He honked twice
as he drove off, too, bro.
Damn pervert creep.
Probably still employed
over there.
Probably sheriff now.
What's happening, man?
I'm going to Florida
this week.
And so I'm excited
about that down there.
In Florida,
anything could happen down there.
A lot of danger bears
out there.
You know,
that's where they,
you got people,
you know,
just,
you got people down there
eating their own lips
and stuff.
You know,
it's real Florida.
It's just
a lot going on there.
You have people,
some people don't even,
can't even
use prepositions.
You'll meet somebody
that can't use any prepositions
and they'll have somebody
with them that does
only use this preposition.
And they'll start talking
and then they pat the person
on the back
when they need a preposition.
And that person
will say a preposition.
You just get some weird
people down there,
pairings,
you know.
It's really the
Bermuda Triangle
of genetics down there.
A lot of people
just gargling
their own tongues
down there.
Yeah,
yeah,
damn.
You know,
a lot of you,
you know,
you punch somebody
in the back
and a damn
Percocet will fly out of them.
You don't know
what's going on.
You'll grab somebody's
weaner made out of
fentanyl or something,
you know,
it's just,
you just have so much
possibility there
because so much drugs
could float in
on the banks.
There's so much bank,
you know,
that the water
really gets to molest
that whole state almost.
You know,
and when you got water
just sucking
on the sides
of your land,
you know,
there's going to be
a lot of,
that's really,
that's almost,
you know,
the beach is kind of like,
it's almost like
the water giving the land
of BJ.
If you look at it,
it just keeps kind of,
so you know,
Florida's about to pop off,
dog,
because the way it's just,
it's getting really
getting slurped on
by the Atlantic
and the G of Mex
over there.
Praise God.
But I'll be down there
in Hollywood,
Florida this week.
So if you know anybody
over there near
Fort Lauderdale
and Miami,
come down there
to Hollywood,
Florida,
Fort Myers,
Florida.
That's on this Friday,
June 24th.
Hollywood on the 23rd.
Then Daytona Beach
over there.
A good day
to just smoke cigarettes
until your tits
cave right into
your damn body.
Like a lot of,
you know,
you see a lot of that
out there.
A lot of adult women
that look like
Dog the Bounty Hunter
over there
in Daytona Beach,
Florida.
And then Lakeland,
Florida on June 26th.
I'm excited for all
of that.
We also,
we got these new
t-shirts in
and a couple of
other styles.
Be good to yourself.
Summertime colors,
banana, salmon,
and more.
Theovonstore.com.
Oh, what's happening
with me?
I went to a Bonafire
yesterday.
A Bonafire.
Somebody invited me.
And it's just,
anytime somebody invites
you to a big Bonafire,
you got to really
wonder how much,
if they trying to be
around Satan or not.
because there's all,
you know,
it's all,
they always do a little
extra at those things.
People start,
you know,
once they start the Bonafire,
some of the people
start throwing other
shit in.
People,
you know,
let's burn,
let's burn it.
You know,
somebody drive back
to their house,
gets all their
ex-wife's stuff
and brings all that
shit up and people
throwing,
you know.
And then somebody,
some dude goes and
gets his ex-wife
and throws that,
and, you know,
it's like,
damn.
It just,
it creates a lot
of havoc sometimes
if somebody does
a Bonafire.
Yeah,
Father's Day,
man.
I remember,
you know,
my,
my dad wasn't,
my dad was
around,
but he was,
I don't know,
I was just so young,
you know,
I was just so young
when my dad lived with us.
My parents got divorced
when I was seven.
And,
and after that,
my dad would try to come over
on the weekends
and drive and see us.
But he was getting older.
He was 77,
78 at that point.
And so we started
hitting stuff
on the,
you know,
he had to drive
about 30,
40 miles
to get to us.
And he would hit stuff
and they'd have to,
you know,
say,
hey,
can't come,
he hit this
or he hit a ditch
and then it would
escalate ditch,
car,
you know,
not embankment,
but,
you know,
he hits,
you know,
he just,
and then finally
he just couldn't
really come and see us
that much anymore.
But yeah,
I have some fond memories,
you know,
my dad,
is he,
he would smell
like beer sometimes.
And I like,
you know,
sometimes I remember
that a little.
And my dad liked
to whistle.
He would whistle a lot.
And his eyes would water.
He would be whistling
and his eyes would be
kind of leaking.
And,
because he was just old.
And I'll be like,
you know,
I always thought he was sad,
but he just old.
Because when you get old,
your body just start,
you start crying out,
you know,
everything.
You know,
you just start dripping.
If you walk up
to an old person right now
and hand them like a towel
or something or Kleenex,
they'll,
they'll say thank you
and they'll dry something off.
That's just old people,
they leaking, bro.
You go up to an old person
right now,
you give them
a little towelette.
You know,
a little French towel
or a little gay towel
or whatever it is.
You know?
You know,
I think that's a towelette,
huh?
If it's trying to bang
other boy towels,
bro,
that's a towelette, son.
You know that,
praise God.
But,
you give,
give a towelette
to a senior citizen.
They'll dry something off
on the spot.
They leaking, bro.
They leaking, man.
What do we have
in the news?
Joe Biden off his bike
couldn't fall.
A dude can't ride
a bike that good.
Get him off the bike.
Get that man
off of the bike.
Y'all know
he's a senior citizen, man.
And that's as much citizen
as you can get.
That's it.
Okay?
That dude is right,
you know.
That dude's hanging out
right there on
the Lord's doorstep, dude.
If the Lord had a ring cam,
you would see
Joe Biden's on that thing.
So,
don't tell me
he ain't just,
he ain't,
he ain't
about dead.
Okay?
And y'all putting him
on a bike.
And you should be
ashamed of yourself.
His wife, too.
Whatever her name is.
Ronald,
I don't know,
I don't know what
her name is.
But you don't put that,
you don't put that man
on a damn bike.
You don't put a senior citizen
like that on a bike.
And if you do,
put him in that little seat
in the back.
And let somebody tough
out there drive him around.
But damn, bro,
they put the man out there.
Just fucking crazy, bro.
Dude trying to do stunts
and whatever he's doing.
It's just,
man,
I don't like the way
they're parading
that man around.
He's just,
something's,
you know,
he's not well.
He's mentally getting older.
And he just,
you can't do it.
It's not fair.
I'm sure other countries
look at him.
And they're like,
damn, bro.
So I just,
it's just time to stop,
you know.
To me,
it seems sad
that we keep putting him out
because he don't seem well.
And I think he's brave
because he keeps going out there.
But damn.
Get that man off
of the damn bike.
Jeepers.
What if somebody walked up
and put your granddaddy
on a bike right now?
What would you tell him?
Get him off the bik