Name: Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #400
Uploaded: 2022-07-12T06:10:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #400' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #400' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-12. Transcript available.

Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #400

We have new Be Good to Yourself tees in summertime colorways like Banana, Salmon,
and more.
Check them out at TheovanStore.com, baby.
Get that hitter.
Today's guest, he is an endangered species of a man.
You know, he's really, he's something you don't see much.
He's hard to catch.
Many shadows.
He's a real disco ball of a human.
He's a Cadbury egg in a world of jelly beans.
He's the most requested guest that we've had, and I'm grateful that he's back.
Catching up with him here at the Hollywood Casino in Florida, it's Dale D'Antoni,
Jody Highroller, Mr. Riff Raff.
For me to set that parking brake, and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I'll be singing just for you.
And now I've been moving way too fast.
The beginning is hard, huh?
Yeah.
It's always tough.
It's like being at a rope swing.
You've got to wait for somebody to kind of try it first, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Especially when it's silence out there and everybody's watching.
Yeah.
When everybody's watching, now you're thinking from the outside point of view.
Yeah.
And you're looking at yourself, and you're thinking too much.
And sometimes, you know, study long, study wrong.
Oh, really?
Yeah, study long, study wrong.
Sometimes overthink it.
Oh, man.
Well, yeah.
And I've been doing some wrong.
I've done some wrong, yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes, because the first time, if I'm hearing a song of mine or something,
and like, I sometimes don't even listen to the beats.
I don't, like, if I hear a snippet or something, I'm like, oh, I like that.
Then I'm going to go, I'm going to hit pause and just leave it.
Because I don't want to hear it too many times, because I'm going to forget the
energy that I had.
You know what I mean?
So you keep listening to it.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
I was like, hold on, let me just get that.
Because once it becomes work.
Yeah.
You lose interest.
Yeah.
Wow.
Why is that, I wonder?
You know why?
I guess a lot.
A lot's riding on something.
But if a lot ain't riding on it, you know what I mean?
I guess if it's like you're trying to time a jump or something,
and there's trains passing by.
Oh, yeah.
And you're trying to time it right where it's like, okay, that's, you need to
study for that.
Because if you fuck up.
Yeah.
You might not make it.
But I think if it's like a tire swing, depends how much you like your ankles.
Yeah.
Your ankles, you know.
It could be dangerous out there.
I'll tell you this, baby, you're back, man.
I'm back.
It's been a while.
It's been three years.
Damn.
Since I brought you mangoes.
Big mangoes.
Oh, they were good, too.
Good mangoes.
Yeah, they felt good, man.
You know, Anna Nicole Smith died here.
In this hotel?
Yeah.
From what?
They said drugs.
I thought it was from being thick.
Okay.
Maybe she mixed too many.
It's always somebody mixes a upper with a downer.
Yeah.
Or a downer with alcohol.
Mm-hmm.
And they fall asleep.
Don't wake up.
Or somebody put something else in the upper.
Yeah.
Made them go down.
Mm-hmm.
That's just got to be a dark surprise.
Yeah, I don't like that kind of stuff, man.
A lot of stuff out there now, they got, I mean, everything has something in it.
You can't get that real clean drugs like you used to.
And I can't use, I don't use them anymore because that's one of the reasons.
Yeah.
They quit making good stuff.
Yeah, they put fentanyl on everything.
But, I mean, you don't know what's in it just because white powder might be
sheet rock.
Yeah.
And fentanyl, people, like, people don't have any.
Oh, yeah.
Like, it used to be, I mean, the way I see it.
In the 80s when it was cocaine blowing up from.
Blowing in.
I mean, a strong wind would just dust your stepmother over.
That shit was good.
From Columbia or wherever.
And it was good.
And now there's, and you would have repeat customers because it's the cream of
the crop.
But when somebody say cocaine, then all there was was cocaine.
There was no fake of that because this is what it is.
Yeah.
You know?
So then as time passes, then everybody gets spread out, the population growing.
Then you have people selling a fake version of it because they're just in and
out of town.
They're just trying to make their little money.
And they don't care if they kill somebody or not because it doesn't.
They don't know anybody there.
They don't care.
They don't have to take pride in their work.
Right.
That's a shame, man.
I remember people used to take pride in the work, I feel like, no matter what
it was.
Yeah, man.
I don't know what killed Anna Nicole.
I think, yeah, drugs.
And I don't know.
You believe in ghosts?
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, damn.
But it makes me sad to think that ghosts would still be on earth because if you
are here and
you don't go on to somewhere better and you're trapped here, how long?
And if other ghosts are there and you hear about people being like ghosts in a
house or
haunted house, and if they're trapped in that house.
Loud ghosts.
Yeah.
Are they by the, are they, is it only bad spirits and then if there's good ones,
are they, is
there something in the middle or are you trapped here and it's bad and you're
just like trapped
here and then it makes you think, it makes me think this.
Then if ghosts are trapped here and that's a punishment, obviously because you
don't go
somewhere good, then what are we here?
If it's bad for them after, then what is that for us?
What does that mean?
Yeah, maybe we're ghosts.
Maybe we're like ghosts that people could see real well, like ghosts with blood
in them
or something.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, because yeah, if you go, I guess if you, if you die, right, and you
suddenly you
think, because you probably are at that point, if you're prepared to die, you
know?
Then you're like, all right, you got your fingers crossed, you know, that's
that Rochambeau with
the Lord, you're about to see what the deal is, and then you just suddenly just
a damn ghost.
Now you're invisible, but still hanging around in the same neighborhood.
You got to, I guess, at that point, then what do you do?
That's where it gets scary because then, because if there's ghosts, and then it's
like, like
I was saying, like, how long are you there by yourself?
And if, can you see other ghosts?
Other ghosts.
They got it.
You have to be able to see other ghosts.
I can't imagine you just sitting around as being a ghost, and you can't even...
Talk to the other ghosts?
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Don't be like that, bro.
Don't make a world where if people did, they get nobody else to talk to, unless
that's their
punishment.
Or is it a choice, and they choose not to go on because they...
Unfinished business.
I'm going to stay in my house.
Yeah.
It's my house.
HOA shit.
I paid the HOA fees for this forever.
I'm staying, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm staying here, boy.
I done paid up.
Yeah, what if you pay six months rent in advance, bro, and you die in the first
month in a flood
or something?
I got a solid five months left.
Bitch, I'm here.
So...
What do you think happens, Raph?
You go.
God get...
You know, you get hit by the Lord's lightning, bro, or something happens to you.
You get licked or something right off the earth.
What happens to you?
I'd like to think...
And be honest, bro.
Okay.
So, I like to think that...
You know how, like, Steve Jobs made an iPhone, right?
Yeah.
In that iPhone, there's not anything that's in that iPhone that he doesn't know
it exists.
He put that camera there.
He put the...
When you hit one, it goes to one.
It's the touchscreen.
It's this, that.
Like, every aspect of that.
So, as a...
If you're using that phone, or if you're the phone, those things were instilled
in you by the Steve Jobs, right?
So, if I look at bodies like an iPhone, if you're feeling sad, you're feeling
things you can't explain, you're feeling like you love someone, you're feeling
like whatever you're feeling or your thoughts or something happens or your...
Whatever it is, that was instilled in you, that chip was put in you.
So, for that to feel sad or compassionate, you see a puppy and you're like, oh,
I want to hold it.
I want to, you know, loving someone or doing something that, you know, there's
no cameras on, you're doing something good.
Yeah.
And you're doing all these things.
Yeah, whistled, yeah.
I think those are instilled in us, you know, like...
Like whistling?
Doing something joyful, you mean?
Yeah.
Just happiness, joy.
When babies are born, they aren't born mean, they're born into, you know, they're
innocent.
And most kids are more compassionate than adults because they haven't been
through all the emotions that they feel.
So, I think that all those things that are instilled in us, that it didn't come
from us, somebody had to install that in us.
So, you got to go somewhere good.
There got to be something better.
Yeah.
Than what we're dealing with here.
And sometimes that's all I got to keep going.
Amen.
I feel that, man.
Yeah, sometimes I'm like, yeah, then that hope, that excitement, that there's
something better going on.
If I keep that in my head and in my heart, then that even helps me behave
better towards people, too.
Yeah.
You know?
Because that's my tough thing.
Sometimes I just get, man, I get a lot of hidden anger comes out of me.
You know, damn, like I got a damn fucking raspberry gremlin living inside of me,
bruh.
Fucking looking for licorice, dog.
That thing is fucking damn, eating eggs in my ass, bruh, and not washing the
silverware, dog.
So, now I got fucking something inside of me that just, like, wants to get out,
you know?
Anxiety, anger, frustration sometimes of I'm doing this, this, this, this, all
these things.
And, you know, and then sometimes people smoke a little weed or something, and
that takes the edge off.
And then as you get older, you realize, okay, maybe that, you know, maybe that's
why Mike Tyson smokes so much.
It keeps him cool.
And that works for him, you know?
Some people, they take the edge off.
And some people have a couple of drinks.
And then some people, if they're already an angry person, then when they drink,
then that side of them comes out.
And that's when it's, you know, dangerous.
So, people end up in jail, domestic, whatever the case is.
But it's, like, I think, like, noticing I'm getting angry.
And then also, like, how we were talking about a little earlier, where it's,
like, looking at yourself from the outside.
Like, being able to stop and be, like, let me look at this from the outside.
Am I being, like, out on a movie?
And then there's the angry dad that's, like, yelling at the kids and beating
the kids.
That's not the cool guy in the movie, right?
So, stopping what you're doing and trying to take a step back.
How do I be the cool guy in the movie?
I don't want to be the angry dude who's fucking shit up.
Fighting his wife, fucking punching somebody, punching Tiffany, punching
fucking Don, you know, or Ricky or somebody.
Yeah.
I feel you.
Trying to take a step back.
It's hard to have that piece, man.
Noticing to, like, you know what I mean?
Noticing that when it's about something's about to happen.
And then also taking a note and eliminating that from what was the, what are
the pieces that made you be mad?
If doing laundry and you're throwing the laundry and your hand is hitting the
thing and your back is hurting and you're getting mad and throwing some shit
and breaking some, throwing the radio and that breaks $1,000, what's cheaper?
Hiring a maid to do the laundry so you don't get mad and so your laundry ends
up in a nice pile so you can go do some other shit and you still got a radio or,
you know?
So you start to understand why, like, people are walking around.
You see a rich guy in a suit walking around with a girl who looks like off of
Scooby-Doo Jinkies.
What's her name?
Oh, Ashley Marie?
No, Ashley Lynn Olsen?
What are you talking about?
No, like that.
Velma?
Yeah.
And with the glasses on with the note back.
Velma was fine, huh?
She was a little something or other.
I know that's about r