Name: That Hot Heat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #402
Uploaded: 2022-07-26T07:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That Hot Heat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #402' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That Hot Heat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #402' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-26. Transcript available.

That Hot Heat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #402

Hello, hello. Happy July.
Happy July to you. I want to thank you. I'm happy to be here with you.
I'm happy to be just, you know, sitting here anecdoting with you.
And just being in your ears.
Just, you know, creeping my way into your brain. I'm happy.
I'm happy that you're here. Happy July to you.
I just got out of an ice plunge.
I've been doing a lot of ice bathing.
You know, I got an ice bath and this company called Blue Cube, they make them.
And I get in there.
And I need it right now.
You know, I feel real fortunate to have it because I need it.
Because something is happening right now.
And I'm talking about the heat, baby.
The heat.
It is. I mean, it is.
Yeah.
You go outside, you say, dang.
It's just like a bunch of damn lights just fucking you.
It's hot.
It's damn hot.
You see people, you know.
People, you know, you see a kid running through the playground.
His hair gets just burnt off his head.
Damn.
Damn bald children running around.
Oh, just a bunch of hot-headed little kids.
Just steam coming off their head.
Tickling each other.
And doing swing setting.
You see it.
You see somebody lose a damn eye.
A strong piece of sun hit them.
And they lose an eyebrow.
Somebody, Mr. Ronnie, showing up to work.
Half a mustache.
They got some strong Rays out there.
And I'm not talking about Sugar Ray Leonard or Sugar Ray the band who was all
right.
They were all right.
I'm talking about Ray, baby.
The Lord's damn long arms, son.
Mother Nature got that hot nut up there.
Just busting.
Damn.
I mean, it's hot.
I got in my truck yesterday.
I couldn't even touch the...
I couldn't touch anything.
I got out.
I said, shit, I'm just going to go.
I'll do a damn...
I'll just call them.
I can't do...
I can't touch the wheel.
Can't...
The seat.
And God forbid you still have those metal plug-ins for your seat thing.
You're out of work now.
You can't get to work.
It is...
I mean, it is hot.
There's heat everywhere.
There's just...
I mean, the sun.
It's just fucking looking for people.
Irish people are dying.
They're dying.
Name 40 Irish people right now.
I bet you can't.
And that's the S-U-N, baby.
That's that other bitch, baby.
That big dog in the sky.
That big orange ginger MF-er, son.
You know what I'm talking about.
Sun.
Sunshine.
That bitch is beating people.
That bitch is beating people.
It's dang...
It's hot.
You know, you see a...
A cat run through a puddle and burn his damn...
Burn the hair off his legs.
You see a...
You know...
You see a bird take two sips out of a bird bath
and fucking just fall over.
Just damn death soup he ate.
We can't handle it.
And I...
You know what I just...
I don't know how to stop it.
You know, you can do prayer.
You can do umbrellas.
But name, you know...
You almost got to write a damn hymn
on the outside of an umbrella
to even get a little respite from the heat.
The shit's cooking you, son.
Fuck.
I walk to...
I feel like a damn TV dinner
halfway through the yard.
I'm going to the mailbox.
I'm like, fuck.
I feel like a damn Salisbury steak.
Damn.
I can't handle it.
And then I start hearing...
Oh, you a little bitch.
Some of the sun will say that.
What?
This shit is...
This heat is for real.
This shit's from fucking Detroit, son.
It's a different time.
Flowers have given up.
I haven't seen a flower since May.
Them bitches is gone.
They're potpourri now.
You see, you know...
You had a rose bush.
That bitch is potpourri now.
It's all.
It's steamed out.
Your garden, it's steamed vegetables.
You didn't even want them steamed.
Them bitches is steamed, son.
You better eat now.
It's a wrap.
And I don't know.
People say that it's, you know, global warming.
People say that it's the end of times.
And, you know, it's tough to know exactly what Mother Nature has planned.
Because we started with the ice age.
That's when Mother Nature, they had so much meat running around in the world.
Mother Nature said, damn, I'm going to save some.
Hit it with that ice, baby.
That big freezer box.
Damn.
I mean, hell, you go up with a good pickaxe and a George Foreman grill and a
knife and fork
up through the Antarctica, you're going to be living thick, baby.
You're going to be eating well.
Because that's a damn ice box up there.
But it's hot and it's warm in the world.
And I hope you're keeping cool, finding a way.
Somebody yesterday mentioned the gas prices to me.
I said, gas?
It's fucking, it's hot as fuck.
The last thing anybody needs is gas.
I don't care how, I don't care if that shit is 40 cents a gallon, bitch.
I don't want no gasoline.
Dude, you try to fill your car up, you fucking damn.
That's a carb-a-cue, son.
You fucking going to get roasted, you idiot.
I just call in, I do work over the phone.
That's it.
People want gasoline, but you out of your mind.
This ain't no time for that.
We don't need that.
We don't need that, man.
It's a wild time, man.
It's a wild time going on out in the world.
I even saw in the news, this is in the news, if you believe in news.
And that's okay if you do not.
That bees, bees, bumblebees, baby, God's little hit men are ejaculating
themselves to death in heat waves.
Bees across Europe may die from the severe heat plaguing the continent this
week, ejaculating explosively as they do.
A doctor said, we don't know exactly why, but drones ejaculate when they get
too stressed.
Ejaculation kills them because it basically eviscerates their abdomen.
They bust big, son.
A bee, that thing.
Black and yellow, black and yellow.
Thanks.
That's that little winged skeet demon.
That thing, a bee, son.
That thing.
Whew.
This happens during natural mating, too.
Drone honeybees always die after mating.
That's a tough time right there.
When bees are ejaculating and dying because of the heat.
Too much heat, you know.
And the bee, they bust out.
And just eviscerate into the universe.
They can't handle it.
When animals' nuts is busting because of the heat.
When the heat just got these little insects, just sun coming.
That's something, baby.
That's the dark earth, baby.
That's not good.
That's when the devil's at the door.
Knock, knock, baby.
Who's there?
Bees, baby.
Bees who?
Bees nuts, son.
Bees are fucking blowing up.
That's how hot it is.
The animals are fucking just, bam, I'm out.
You got to take care of yourself.
And you got to take care of your cousin.
Put a cold rag on your cousin's neck.
Put an ice cube in the baby's ass, son.
We got to take care of each other.
It's a new time out there.
And the sun is fucking people.
People getting damn, just heat aids on their face.
You see somebody got heat aids on their neck.
Because the sun just, just don't, done, done, just damn got them.
Just, just, you know, bees are flying by and just, damn, just skeeting out,
blowing up.
It's time to take care of ourselves.
And it's time to take care of each other.
I believe we can do it.
Now let's get into the episode, baby.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm on the camera.
I'm on the camera.
Yeah.
Feels real good after I've been so blue.
Mm-hmm.
Feels on the camera.
I'm on the camera.
Feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I just broke up with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love on you.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, yeah, yeah, come on.
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street when the mayor came and said to me,
You're on the camera.
You're on the camera.
And it's plain to see between you and me.
We got so much lovin' and chemistry.
It's on the camera.
It's on the camera.
Well, good things keep on comin'
And I ain't gon' win, no run,
Ain't no gonna wanna come up.
Gonna come up.
Yeah.
I like that one.
And I like the young man that makes that music there.
And that is Eddie Ninevolt.
The Come Up.
And I like them.
I like that music.
I like the sounds that come out of them.
I like the...
It makes me feel excited.
It makes me feel hopeful.
It makes me feel like I'm back.
I'm feeling good.
I just got out that cold plunge.
I've been doing a lot of things like that recently.
I got a trainer that I've been using.
I feel fortunate enough to be able to afford that.
And I got a trainer that I've been using.
And, man, it's been...
It has been helping me to a level I can't even explain.
I went six days this week.
And I feel...
I mean, I just feel...
You know, I feel more outside of myself.
I don't feel as inside of myself, you know.
And I don't feel as in my head.
Because now I'm using my body.
I've got a lot of my blood.
And a lot of my energy, which was just whirling around in my head.
Which is not a safe place to be.
Now it's kind of dispersed out.
And I feel a little more even.
You know, I think a long time ago, as human beings, we had to use our senses.
And we had to use them in the world.
You know, you had to be like...
Oh, there's a...
You know, if you walked out into the woods, there's a lion, possibly.
And you might hear a damn little warbler in the distance.
And he might be giving you a clue.
Oh, there's a lion, you know.
And you'd have to be careful.
Because maybe there would be a poison ivy.
Or poison sumac.
Or some...
You know, something.
But you'd have to be aware of your surroundings.
You know, all your feelings were outside of you.
You had to look at the sky.
What is the weather?
What is the air feeling?
What's going on here?
What's going on here?
So, all of our feelings used to be outside of us.
You had to be aware.
You had to survive.
And then, humanity, we got our society, especially in America.
We got into more like everybody's comfortable enough.
We all have a bed.
We all have a roof.
You know, it's safe enough.
We don't...
You know, we don't...
All of our senses, we haven't used them like that in a long time.
So, now my senses, I feel like a lot of times, they go...
They've started to go inward.
Because there's not...
That alertness, that...
That...
It's not...
It's not necessary in the outside.
So, now they've all gone inward.
But they're still hunting the lion.
They're still looking for something that's uncomfortable or dangerous or
alarming.
And so, that's where I feel like a lot of our mental health is now.
It's like...
The senses that we used to use in...
To survive, we don't need them outside of us anymore.
So, now those senses, they're lurking around inside of me looking for lions.
But there is no lions in me.
Unless I'm some kind of damn centaur or something.
There is no lions in me.
Or unless I've eaten a couple cuts of lion.
So, it just...
It finds this...
You know, anything that's a little spooky.
It finds, like, things from my past or fears.
It finds...
It finds some trouble, but it makes it feel like it's a lion.
You know?
I don't know if that makes any sense.
But to me, part of it does.
It's like...
All those senses we used to use need to survive.
Because we're wandering around.
In a world.
In the open.
Having to go into caves and see if it was safe to sleep.
You know?
Having to, you know, know when the sun's coming up so we could navigate the
next day.
We had to just be...
A lot of our alertness was outside of our body.
Because it needed to be.
But I've been feeling...
I've been feeling a little better.
You know?
And I've just been...
Yeah, just trying to focus on taking care of myself.
Yeah.
Just, you know, going to more meetings.
Spending time with friends.
Doing some things that I don't want to do.
Some time to get out of my comfort zone.
Even the ice plunge.
The ice bath.
That's...
I don't want to get in that bench.
You know what I'm saying?
That thing.
It's...
It's uncomfortable.
But I need...
You know, I...
I don't know.
I'm finding...
I don't know.
I'm just...
It's working.
So I'm just sticking with what's working right now for me.
What else is happening?
What else has been going on?
I went to...
Jimmy John had his summer camp.
The sandwich man.
The sandwich mogul.
You know, he's a friend of mine.
And he's been a...
He's been a guest here on this past weekend.
And he had his summer camp.
So I went out there and got to do some fishing.
With Emeril.
Emeril was out there.
The chef.
The famous chef.
And, you know, he lik