Name: Tony Kanaan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #407
Uploaded: 2022-09-06T08:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tony Kanaan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #407' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tony Kanaan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #407' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-06. Transcript available.

Tony Kanaan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #407

I want to announce a new tour date, November 3rd in San Diego at the Balboa
Theater.
We'll be heading down there with the Return of the Rat Tour.
The Patreon pre-sale starts today at 2 p.m.
The artist pre-sale starts tomorrow at 10 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.
That's September 7th with the code RATKING.
And the general on-sale will be Friday, September 9th at 10 a.m.
And they're available to everyone then with no code.
As well, we have October 11th and 12th in Wichita, Kansas.
October 13th, Omaha, Nebraska.
And October 14th, Denver, Colorado.
Both those shows are sold out.
But we will be adding new Denver dates and some other Colorado dates in the
earliest part of the year.
It's looking like January.
January, you can go to theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R, for those tickets, for
all tickets.
Thank you for your support.
I'm excited to announce that we've got the new Rat King Racing Collection
hitting the store today.
If you like being in a vehicle, if you like driving or yielding, using your
blinker, going fast, using gasoline,
if you like all of that, automobiliary, you'll love it.
It's at theovonstore.com, the Rat King Racing Collection shirts, hoodies, hats.
Get that hitter, baby, gang.
Today's guest is, he's that racer baby.
He's that skirt boy.
You know what I'm saying?
He likes being on wheels.
He's been an IndyCar driver for 25 years.
He's won the Indy 500.
He's from Brazil.
He's from another country.
But he's put a lot of miles on America, that's for sure.
His team took me out earlier today in an IndyCar.
And man, I hit a couple hundred miles.
I hit a couple hundred miles.
I hit a damn mock or a couple mocks.
I don't know what I hit.
I mean, there's still people looking for me.
So that's how fast we went.
I'm grateful to have him here today to learn about his life and to learn about
racing.
Today's guest is Mr. Tony Kanawha.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I'll be singing
I'll be singing
Yeah, man.
So if I seem flustered
I
The pool
You know
Which immediately tells people that I'm making money
Right
The pool, something broke
And the water's flowing into the backyard right now
You know, that's what I tell my kids and my wife at home
Because obviously we work hard, we make money
But if we didn't have a pool, we wouldn't have that problem
Right
But like I was traveling to a race
We live in Indianapolis
And I have four kids
Oh, wow
They all go to the races with me when they can
So I have obviously a smart home
With all the security
Because, you know, you have to have it
And I turn the alarm on
And I can see anything that happens
I can see it on my phone
And going down the road
Driving to one of the races
My phone starts to go nuts
And gives me different alarms
That, you know, the bathroom lights on
And I'm like, somebody's in the house
And I'm looking in the camera
And I can't see it
And I can't see it
We're not too far off
I said, you know what?
We need to turn around and see what's going on
We had nobody there
So I turned around and came home
Yeah, mystery
But first you get home
You're like, I don't know how to fight
I don't have a gun
I'm like, if somebody's here
But I also don't want to call the police
To look like the fool
They're like, hey
So I go in
There is nothing going on
I'm like, what's wrong?
And the phone's going crazy
Then I start
Try to turn the light on
To check
Doesn't turn on
So I'm like, something's happened
Are we going to catch fire anyway?
To make a story short
Because you talk about your basement
I have
It's a smart home
And all the equipment
It's in the basement
In a room with air conditioning
Because they say
It needs to keep it cool
Like, you know
Like we do it in the studio
And it's positioned
In a room specifically made
But there is one pipe
One single pipe
That goes through
That was actually
They put the rack
With all the equipment
Underneath
And it was the sewer pipe
No, so it was dripping?
And it was broken
Damn
So it leaked
It burned the entire system
So the house wasn't working
But also, it's the sewer pipe
Right
So you can imagine
Not your finest pipe
Yeah
And it was floating
By the time I got back
It was at least 40 minutes
Between
And then it flowed
The basement
With
No
That clean water
Wow
So who had to go in there?
Well, I was in there
As soon as I saw that
I'm not very good at
I almost barfed
Yeah
I told my wife
Look
Damage is done
Nobody's going down there
And I still had to drive
I mean, we're like
I have to go to a race
Right
So I called
A couple of the contractors
The guy that built my house
And they helped me out
And they sent people there
We fixed the pipe
And had to call the insurance company
Because
We had to change everything
The whole car
I mean, everything
So yeah
Is that probably the worst thing
That's happened to you
As a homeowner, you think?
No
I lived in Miami for 22 years
And I used to collect watches
Like expensive watches and stuff
But never really had them in a safe
Or anything
I had probably
35 expensive watches
Not insured
No
And
But you do interviews
You talk about things
Yeah
You like
You know
You have cars
You have this
And it's not a brag
But people are like
Oh, so I know you like watches
So then
I actually had just given an interview
To a watch guy
And I got home
And they're all gone
A couple million bucks
Really?
A couple million bucks worth?
Yeah
Some expensive
Like if people don't understand
About watches
But a Rolex ponium
Which is very rare
Like
Yeah
I actually got left
With the watch
That I was wearing
Which is
Always my workout watch
Which was the cheapest one
Oh
Damn
Isn't that crazy
How you'll get something nice
For yourself
And then you just kind of
Lock it away
You know
Theo
That's something that
I
Hopefully
I mean
Hopefully
That didn't happen to you
But you feel so violated
Right
So you work so hard
I mean
I don't come from
A rich family
I mean
Everything I've done
I really worked hard
I gave up a lot of things
To do it
Never with the intention
To make money
I mean
To be rich
I've never said
Oh I want to be a race car driver
Because I want to be rich
I just want to race
But then
You like nice things
You make money
Blah blah blah
And then somebody just come
And takes it from you
You know
Yeah
That must have been
Really disheartening
Did you
It was so bad
That actually
To this day
I probably have five watches now
You know
I love watches
And I bought
The
My top five
Because then you go
You don't need all of it
You don't
You really like
Looks like
You know
People can take you
The wrong way too
And you brag
Wow I had 40 watches
Yeah
I just liked them
I didn't
You know
It wasn't like
Oh
I have them
Yeah how much time you need
Yeah
Here you know
You have one
Well you have two wrists
But you're only supposed to wear
One watch at a time
So it's not like
So I bought my favorite
Five watches
And that's it
I never bought it
Never bought it again
Now I have a safe
Then you insure them
And so on
But it almost ruined your love
For them a little bit
That somebody
You just go
That's it
And it did go away
Like you know
On that particular
Like I don't know
Whatever you want to call
Like pleasure that I have
Of collecting
That is
It's been gone
Ever since
It's been 12 years now
But yeah
Yeah
I could have
Thank God
I could have bought
All of them back
Or some of them
I was like
Nah I don't want to
And did you call a detective
Or anything like that
So we did
But like I said
They were not insured
Some of the watches
I mean I had listed
So they say
Well if this watch
Comes to service
At Rolex
Or whatever
We can probably
Catch it
If not
They're going to be gone
So we put
We think
It's so hard
Because when you do
An interview
Look how many millions
Of people are watching us
Yeah
And then I could say something
And nowadays
You can google anything
Our lives
Yes
Because we live
On a social media
Environment
They know when you're gone
Yeah
Right
As soon as you post
Hey I'm going to LA
I'm shooting in LA today
Whoever knows
That where you live
They can assume
You're not in your home
Well if they come
I hope they don't come to swim
I'll tell them that
Because there is
But that's what I'm saying
Like and that's my biggest fear
Especially coming from Brazil
Which is
It's a third world country
Is it?
Yes
It's quite
You know
It's
It's not as wealthy
As America
You have a lot of
Those kind of things
And my biggest fear
Is like
When people know I'm gone
My family's at home
And they know my wife is alone
So
You try to protect yourself
And in Brazil
Do they have a lot of kidnappings
And stuff like that?
Big time
I mean
When I go down there
Which I do a lot
I still have family there
My oldest kid still lives there
I'm racing there this year
I have a bulletproof car
Wow
And I have two bodyguards
That follow me on another car
And talk about not having any privacy
Because
If you try not to catch attention
You know that well enough
You shouldn't walk around
With four people
Right
Looking like
You know
Like a wardrobe behind you
Yeah
Like double OCA
Like double OCA
Yeah
And then every time
You stop somewhere
They go in first
Check it out
And then you come out
And people are like
Well who's that?
Right
But a lot of people do that
Which is
It takes your privacy away
It takes a lot of things away
And
I'm always worried about my mom
My mom is 74
And
Well it's interesting
Because it's almost like
You know
You achieve some of your dreams
And your goals
And then you have to
Even if you want to be anonymous
You almost can't be
Just for your own safety
Right
But then when you talk about kidnapping
They're not going to come for me
Right
They're going to come to my kids
Right
To my mom
To my sisters
Because they want me
To probably pay for it
Yeah
If they call
If they kidnap you
They can't call you
Yeah
They can call me
And then I say
Guys
If I don't make a call
To get you the money
Who's going to get you the money?
Yeah
Unless they're the worst kidnappers ever
And I said
If they call my wife
She might pay them
To keep me
For a few extra months
Wow
That's fascinating
And in Brazil
Is it a
I guess like
Well tell me about that
Bulletproof car
So that thing is like
Dude
It's the most amazing thing
You'll see
I mean
It's
I race down there
For Toyota
So it's a Corolla
But
They add
Another
I don't know
Nowadays it's very
You know exactly
What I'm talking about
But very
The ballistic
Stuff that you put in a car
The metals and stuff
It's so light
That it's only like
A hundred pounds
More
That you add to the car
But it goes
Inside the door
The column
All
Every single glass
You can't break
Like you could
Sit in your car
And flip anybody off
And if you're locked in
They cannot get in
Like you'd just be like
Whatever
You know
But which is
It's not funny
But like
They still
Like an iPhone
Just to give you an example
An iPhone down there
Just think about currency
You have to think about
Go one to one
If I say
Because the dollar there
It's five to one
Okay so yeah
So one dollar
It's five of our currency
Okay got it
But let's pretend
You live there
So if you make ten grand
You're making ten
Whatever
Right
Right
So an iPhone there
It's fifty grand
Fifty grand
In reals
But you have to think
That if you live there
You're making fifty grand
Of something
Right
But I'm telling
And then the minimum wage
It's two thousand
Wow so you have to work
For a hundred years
To make an iPhone
Not a hundred years
But like ten years
Right
Yeah
Sorry yeah
So you're walking
You're walking down the street
Talking on your iPhone
Yeah
Wow
Somebody takes it
And then they make
Two grand a month
They can sell it
Okay it's stolen
But for forty
That's almost two years
Of work
So they take it
But in a bulletproof car
They try to actually
They actually try to
Break the window
And then you just
Flip them off
Not getting that one
You keep on knocking
But you can't come in
Which is not funny
I mean you know
It's miserable
To live a life like that
Oh yeah
It's like this big game
Of hide and go seek
And it's only because
You achieved some of 