Name: Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #408
Uploaded: 2022-09-13T09:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #408' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #408' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-13. Transcript available.

Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #408

I want to let you know that we have added shows for Saturday, November 5th, in
San Diego.
The first two sold out, so we now have shows Saturday, November 5th.
We are also adding a Sunday, November 6th show for San Diego.
And those tickets will be on sale Wednesday, September 14th, at 10 a.m. Pacific
Standard Time.
Theovan.com slash T-O-U-R.
I'm also excited to announce we've got brand new merch up on the Theovan store.
Check out Rat King Racing Collections.
Shirts, hoodies, hats, and multiple designs.
If you like racing, if you like threatening your Uber driver and making them go
faster,
and if you like just damn, just burning gasoline, baby, then you'll love Rat
King Racing Collection.
Get that hitter, baby.
He's on his Birdie Boy relapse tour for the rest of this year.
He just wrapped up his fully loaded tour this summer.
And you can see new episodes of his Something's Burning cooking show on YouTube.
I'm grateful to have him here today.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
One of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kresher.
So like, I don't know the benefit, you know, like Tim Dillon, what's he use,
right?
Maybe the best podcaster we have of our generation.
You and Tim Dillon are probably the two best podcasters I know that I enjoy
watching.
I love Rogan.
Rogan's obviously the king.
I love, I love watching Rogan, but I love watching you and Tim the way you guys
think.
Now, price point wise, right?
Say there's, let's talk about, say these companies that come in, they go, we're
doing it right.
We spent $50,000 on cameras.
We spent $100,000 on microphones.
We got state-of-the-art board.
Yeah.
And then you go, what about just a laptop?
Do you have one of those?
Yeah.
So, right?
Right.
But I do think that if you, I do think, here's what I learned from Rogan.
If you invest a little more money in it, you care more.
And if you care more, you get a better product.
I think that that's probably true.
And I think guests come and they see that you care more.
Yeah.
It feels more eloquent.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's one of the reasons, like, sometimes it's like, I would like to get into,
like, a nicer studio space.
Like, our studio is great.
Very good.
But it's like, but then also, you don't want to go too corporate of a studio
where it feels like, where it doesn't feel like rogue, you know?
Like, yeah.
And you also don't want to do it out of your house, which I've been doing for
the past fucking eight years.
And so people are like, do you live here?
And you're like, oh, okay.
Is that your daughter?
Can I meet her?
And you're like, Georgia, grab a towel.
Yeah.
She's doing audio for us right now, but as soon as this shit's over.
Like, I want to get bigger guests.
You know who I want to get?
I'm being dead serious.
We talked about this a little bit.
And I think you're the only person who'll get this.
Let me guess who it is.
If you guess it, if you guess it, I'll spend the rest of the show with my flip-flop
in my mouth.
Oh, dude, that's going to mess up the chat.
But I'll try.
Let me see.
It's a, can I ask for a clue or not?
Yes.
Okay.
Is it a black person?
No.
But there are a couple that I'd like to get on.
I'd like to get on.
I'd like Killer Mike on.
I'd like Killer Mike.
I'd like Snoop on.
I'd like Big Boy from Outkast.
I'd like T.I.
I should give a shout out to T.I. about his car.
Keep saying stuff.
You're just eliminating guests, I was going to guess.
They're all black.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
So you're going with the white, dude?
I'm going with the white, dude.
I think he's white.
I don't even know his name, to be honest with you.
It's hot in here, guys.
Can y'all put the AC on?
I drank a lot yesterday, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a fucking
sizzle.
I mean, I was so hot.
And all of a sudden, my body went and fucking poured sweat.
Back to sleep.
Nuh-uh.
Yeah, yeah.
Like almost like when a truck stops, and it's like.
It woke me up.
I was so hot.
My fucking wife, Leanne, was like, you got to keep.
You got to keep.
Hey, boy.
This is how Leanne talks.
I was doing.
I'm doing this impression of Leanne, and she fucking hates it.
And I got off stage in, like, see, this weekend.
And Dave Williamson's like, I think you're doing Theo.
As Leanne?
He's like, yeah.
Leanne never says gang gang when she sucks your dick.
Gang gang, son.
But, hey, boy.
All I need to know about Diet Coke is I drop it on the bottom of the boat.
Let me answer you and drink it by Diet Coke.
I ain't drinking Diet Coke.
That's all I need to know about Diet Coke right now.
Shit.
What?
Oh, my God, dude.
There's a lot of black people I'd like to have on my podcast.
Oh, you got to get some.
You got to.
I don't have enough black people on my podcast.
None of us.
Nobody does.
Nobody does.
Darnell's the only.
I know.
Darnell's money, too.
Oh, dude.
Darnell's money.
Darnell's money.
But every time you think you're like, man, I got to diversify a little.
You're like, hey, Darnell.
Everybody in podcasting is like that, dude.
Darnell.
Cat Williams would be good.
Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle.
I don't count them as like in like the group because they're just comics.
I want to reach out.
You know who I'd like?
Cornel West.
Cornel West.
Let's bring him up.
Is he a singer?
No.
No.
He's not.
He's not.
Oh, there he is, huh?
Dr. Cornel West.
Oh, damn, huh?
He's badass, dude.
Oh, yeah.
Is he really like a real prolific thinker and stuff?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's the reason.
I'm going to say this.
There's no proof to what I'm about to say.
He's the reason Chris Rock's special was so good.
Bring the pain.
Chris Rock started hanging around dudes like this on Sunday.
They do like a Sunday supper where they talk about politics and talk about the
world and talk about things.
And he'd just hang out.
By the way, I'm not certain what I'm saying is accurate at all.
I might have just dreamt this.
Yeah.
And so I had a dream about David Spade last night.
You did?
Yeah, and I should call him and let him know I was thinking about him.
But so he, he.
Yeah, what happened?
I want to know about this guy.
This guy looks really interesting.
He's really interesting.
He's like just a thinker.
I think he works at Harvard.
And he just is.
He's always on Bill Maher.
And I just love him on Bill Maher.
He's always got a good take.
You know, some people are aligned just straight politics.
And that bores me.
I like a person that'll float and go like, well, those kids were wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I like somebody that's got some, that's got some nuance to their own
ideas.
Yeah, I don't.
I don't.
To their views.
I don't have any of that.
You don't?
No.
I have pretty basic views.
Well, do you?
And I flip flop a lot.
I flip flop a lot.
I'm going to try this little.
But that's okay, man.
I don't think that that's bad or anything.
Is there alcohol in this?
No.
Okay.
Okay, people on one of my podcasts.
Well, let's get into it.
Okay.
I, so if it's a, I'm going to say Bill Clinton.
It's not.
Although he would be good.
He would be good.
But he would be good if, like, off camera, you know, when he's like.
Yes.
He's like, well, that was really good, Bert.
Are these things still rolling?
And I go, no.
And he goes, man, I fuck a lot of bitches when I was president.
My favorite thing to do, come in them.
Just come in them and go, yeah, take that.
Oh, yeah.
That's presidential seat, baby.
And spit in their mouths and just throw a towel at them.
Go clean yourself up, whore.
Yeah.
Hey, get back on the bench, babe.
Go Razorbacks.
Hey, what did you like?
What was it like starting for the first time?
Go Razorbacks.
Go Razorbacks.
Uh-huh.
Dude, when you think about the fact that he went to, that he's out of the
University of Arkansas,
him and Hillary straight up met at the University of Arkansas, dude.
Yeah.
Dude, was there, was she ever, could pull up young pictures of Hillary.
Was she ever, like, really hot?
You could see that.
Oh, hold on.
Yeah.
You could see it or, like.
Let's take some looks at her.
Because you've got to be, like, Jackie Onassis hot, Jackie Kennedy hot.
I mean, you've got to look at.
Wow.
I mean.
Bill was not planning on doing well.
I think Bill was looking for someone to help him with his homework.
Look at that, dude.
He looks like a starting center for the Nets in 1972.
Hi, boy.
Hi, it's Bill Clinton.
That's a good impression, right?
That's pretty good.
You ever think Bill Clinton said the N-word?
Let me think about it.
Hold on.
I bet it's been a while.
Oh, it's been.
You better think it's been a while.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
You think he says it recently?
I think he's one of those guys that just still drops it every now and then.
Wow.
Just to Hillary.
Just to Hillary.
Oh, yeah.
Just to invest.
Yeah.
Who's calling you?
He's like, it's Obama.
Hi, old boy.
Hey, what's up?
How you doing?
I lost it.
I had the accent for a second.
Hey, it's Bill Clinton.
That's how you're getting a little Fozzie.
A little Fozzie rare there.
Yeah, I get really Fozzie.
Yeah.
I'm not.
But that's not Fozzie.
That's not Fozzie.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I used to think Jimmy Kimmel looked like Fozzie the Bear.
Let me think.
Like early Jimmel Kimmel when he was like a little more overweight.
Oh, yeah.
I could see that.
Bring up Fozzie.
Can we get a look at an idea of what Fozzie looks like?
Fozzie is the fun one.
Hey, hey, Gus.
No.
Hold on.
Hey.
Oh, that's Fozzie.
Who am I thinking of?
Hey, boy.
No, that's too old.
Driving along, it takes the fun out of my way.
I think it's a highway that's so delicious.
Is anybody singing that right?
I think it's a...
We picked up a weirdo.
Life is a highway.
I'm gonna ride it all night long.
Have you ever done anything as good as that?
Think about that, right?
Artistically, do you think you've put out one thing that it equals that song?
I think of that all the fucking time.
When you think of one-hit wonders, like Rat, right?
Round and round.
Your love will kind of weigh just give it time, time.
Round and round.
Yeah, do you think you've done anything as good as that one...
Like, put out one piece of work where you go, that was, I take it, you have.
I think there's some beats that I've put out there that are pretty good.
I think my cousin got bit by a gays as good as round and round.
That made me laugh so fucking hard.
Yeah, it's a true story, man.
It's sad, too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's like, that's what this city's gone into, man.
It's fucking Obama's aquarium out here.
I mean, it's fucking Biden's aquarium out here, dude.
It's Biden's aquarium.
Out on the streets here, bro.
It's insane.
Everybody's biting.
I just heard about this Hunter Biden guy.
Yeah.
He does crack?
He used to do it, they said.
I don't know if he's better.
Oh, so it's not recent.
No.
Oh, well, then whatever.
I don't think.
Everyone can grow.
No, then, yeah, whatever.
I thought he was doing it, like, today.
He was on Maren's podcast.
I didn't hear it, though.
He was on Maren's podcast?
Wasn't he on Maren's podcast, I think, Zach?
I think you're thinking of he was on Getting Dug with High.
Oh, he was?
Dude, I'm just gullible today, man.
I feel like we haven't even started this conversation.
Oh, we started the show?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
He was on Mark Maren?
Wow.
And Mark Maren, you know Mark Maren, he'll hold you to the fire.
Did he say, so tell me about the crack in the bathtub and the laptop.
I've got to listen to it.
Did he?
Maren's been doing, he's got, like, a beef, I guess, or something with Rogan
and Schaub,
huh?
With Schaub?
Or, like, some of his material and stuff has been about.
