Name: Rail Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #409
Uploaded: 2022-09-20T09:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rail Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #409' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rail Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #409' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-20. Transcript available.

Rail Baby | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #409

all right good day baby um welcome back or welcome forward i don't know where
you are
um but i'm happy to be here it's uh we got a fire episode today um we got a lot
of calls
have come in we haven't done a solo episode in a while you know so it's about
time i feel like
and um just a lot of just beautiful information and intel to get into and just
i mean it's just a
damn little christmas i feel like in september today we're back together we got
dalton is going
to be calling in you remember dalton that beautiful little rail monkey he got
hit by that train
a while back and he got trained out baby and um we're grateful he's he's gonna
call him gonna have
him on the line and talk to a real human miracle and see what that's like to
just get that close
baby i mean just get on the damn fingertips of the lord we're gonna find out um
i'm grateful to be
here with you guys and i mean that and uh let's get into it
i'm gonna come up yeah feels real good out there i've been so blue
i'm gonna come up
it feels so good to have a brand new view oh yeah yeah yeah
well i just broke up with my baby
well i just broke up the lucky street when the mayor came and said to me you're
on a come up
you're on a come up
and it's plain to see between now you and me we got so much loving and
chemistry it's on a come up
that right there baby if you like that little that warmer
if you like to just set your damn ear kettles on that warmer baby that's eddie
nine volt on the come up
and that's what i gotta remind myself
because there's two ways to go baby
there's two ways to go and i gotta remind myself
i'm on the come up
and so are you happy september
as we migrate into the future we are just
i mean damn we're just like a worm
just eat just you know worms just eat the dirt
did you know that a lot of people are like well how does
how does the dirt get from the front of the worm to the back of the worm
the worm eats the dirt
and duties the dirt through the back
and that's what we're doing baby
we're those fucking time worms baby
we're just
we're just cruising baby
we're cruising
cruising through time
together
out here
um
and it's happening fast man
isn't it happening fast
hell you put your heat
you put your ear up to the
you put your ear up to the future
you could hear the day you know
you put your ear up to the wind
you could hear the damn trick-or-treaters getting ready
you could hear somebody pop
you know uh dusting off a damn dracula mask
you could hear somebody whipping up a pot of fake blood baby
people are getting ready
it's it's it's happening man it's autumn
you know the tree's about to get naked dog
that's that's pretty crazy when you think about it
all summer and all spring the trees are like
oh i'm wearing this i'm wearing this
and then bam boy
all them bitches out there in a damn wood orgy
everything's out there man
all these birds thought they're hiding
suddenly you see them bitches
they're like oh fuck
we better fly to florida
it's that time baby
it's that time
you know i really i do enjoy this time of year
i enjoy when you go from that
there's that week where it's like still hot
and then bam
surprise you wake up one morning
and you feel winter just you know
because autumn is just winter's little fucking uh puppy
that's all it is
that's just winter taking a damn little little dog for a walk
that's all autumn is
autumn may some autumn had like last a half hour in some places
you go up to maine you go up to damn uh
anar and or anar and not a rica what is it and not a rica no
what's the top of the country called to the whole globe
that's antarctica baby antarctica
you go to antarctica baby that's fall lasts about nine minutes up in that
bastard
that's a quick you know damn you can't even finish your coffee son
and winter's there boy that thing will eat your ass bro
that thing will eat your ass with nine knuckles baby
um
what's happening a lot's been going on
uh
we haven't done a solo episode in a while
um
we're out here in the central east
uh
we have uh
we've had an exciting run of guests recently
we just had um
uh
tony canaan on and he is a indie car driver
and he's from brazil
and uh
got to go riding out with
mario andretti
he took me for a scoot out
in a
in one of his damn little bus
buggies baby
we were out there
we hit about
i think 200 something miles an hour
i mean i could fucking
i could taste the
the enamel in the back of my throat
that i'm from my own teeth
bro that shit really
that shit will clear your sinuses bro
high speed
um
what else
we got to
we went down
joe rogan came on the podcast
if you didn't hear that episode
that was pretty cool
that was really pretty cool man
he uh
he had texted me
and
and invited me to go on his show
and
i was like
yeah
thanks i'd love to come
and then i was like
well i know i got a space on mine
that week i said
and i was kind of nervous to text
but i was like
uh
maybe you
you should
we'd love to have you on ours
and um
and so that was exciting
uh
got to go
and do that
bobby lee came on
that beautiful little
unagi bro
that little
uh
that little vietnam survivor
you know
and sometimes
boy i fucking just
that little ponzu
little muppet
sometimes i just want
man i'll take that dude
i'll drop him off
at every damn vfw
in america
and let some old boys
in there finish up on him
you know what i'm talking about
iwo jima daddy
praise god brother
um
what else has been happening
with me
uh
oh we got to shoot
shoot a film
we shot a
a movie
or a film
film movie
film movie
uh
we shot
we shot that
that was interesting
you know
at first i didn't really
want to do it
um
because it's
it's a lot of time
it's just a lot of time
and
i don't like
giving up my time
honestly
it's a pretty selfish
way to be
it's nice
sometimes you have
to do it
but i don't like
uh
sometimes i i just
want to keep
i kind of
you know
i want to keep
my time to myself
you know
i'll get
i keep my time
all in like a little
you know
i'm that little
second santa
i got all my seconds
in a bag
on my back
baby
and i might
you know
you know
take that satchel off
and get a minute
out to somebody
give seven eight minutes
to a little dime
a little dame
a little beauty
over there
maybe give you know
four or five minutes
to your boy
over there
but otherwise
i like to keep
my time
to myself
man
so for me
that was a new
experience
just saying
okay i don't know
what this is gonna be like
i'm gonna commit
to doing it
uh
and so
and i was glad
that i did
man
we just had
a nice time
um
i got to do
like this kind
of like
not fighting scene
but it was like
this kind
of like
like wrestling
kind of scene
with johnny knoxville
and uh
and that was
you know
i thought it would be
all hard
i'm thinking like
all right
how do i look
like angry
but i'm
i'm fighting
or i'm
you know
you know
do i make like
a face
and i'm just
thinking of all this
like what will i do
you know
will i you know
do i have to be
real angry
do i need to
you know
call somebody
and you know
call them a bitch
or something first
or will i just
feel angry
like how will i
make it all work
and we got there
and it just
everything rolled out
pretty cool
you know
i didn't
i didn't
uh
i didn't
overanalyze
it too
much
just did
it
and bobby lee
was there
so that made
it a lot
of fun
just getting
to be around
him every
day
because he's
um
newly single
you know
we saw
he
him and
his lady
you know
they went
their separate
ways
and so
he's
you know
i mean
he's
most of
the day
he's on
the
just
hunting
leg
on the
uh
phone
and internet
i mean
damn
that dude
he had
people
he had
put some
calling out
on his
social media
on his
podcast
for
you know
i guess
women
to send
him pictures
of tits
and you
know
cooter
or whatever
booty
booty
cooter
all of
it
i don't
even
know
um
and damn
men were
sending him
stuff
and so
he didn't
know until
each time
he click
on the
picture
and sometimes
it's a
damn
you know
it'd just
be one
long
tit
you know
with some
nuts on it
like damn
bro
that's a
damn
g-cup
that thing
that thing
that's a
unique
looking
tit
because he
was getting
sent
everything
um
but that
was a
nice
experience
i'm glad
that i
did it
um
and what
else man
we went
oh i
went and
visited my
brother out
there in
utah
and it
was in
southern utah
right by
mount zion
park
and it
is i
mean it's
it is
beautiful man
it's like
mother nature's
um
you know
uh
whatever it's
called
strip club
i mean if
she got her
finest
everything
it just
every mount
every mountain
hill
every little
thing
it's just
damn
it's fine
as hell
bro
you know
you just
want to
suck your
own nuts
bro
it's just
it's just
that kind
of place
mount zion
if you get
a chance
to go
there
um
and my
brother
had moved
out there
he lives
in spring
ville
or spring
dale
right outside
of the park
or rock
ville
and he'd
um
we had some
fresh raccoon
he shot
a couple
uh
coons
out there
and so
we had
uh
some fresh
raccoon
squirrel
dove
and i'd
eaten dove
before
um
you know
when i was
young
i had a
couple
brothers
that live
by the
apartments
and they
grilled up
a couple
doves
one time
for mother's
day
and i had
some of
that with
them
what
else
uh
what
else
did
we
do
yeah
that's
just
kind
of
what's
been
going
on
i'll
just
thank
you
guys
for
staying
supportive
of the
cast
and
keeping
um
and keeping
things
going
um
i still
got my
sober
days
going
right
now
i have
let me
see
feeling
pretty
good
look on
my
little
app
i have
uh
156
days
so
that's
been
nice
uh
to just
you know
feel a part
of something
um
yeah
and it's
been
interesting
man
and going
to those
meetings
and stuff
you know
uh
and just
hearing other
people
talk
honestly
you know
sometimes
when other
people speak
real real
honestly
about
themselves
about
what's
going on
with
them
it
allows
me
to
think
honestly
about
what's
going
on
with
me
it's
like
sometimes
i can't
really
it's
hard
for me
to
get
a
clear
perception
of
myself
um
or to
think
really
like
real
clearly
unless
there's
but
sometimes
in the
recovery
meetings
if somebody's
sharing
real honestly
about what's
going on
with them
then i
can
i don't
know
my brain
just feels
or
my emotions
just feel
safe
to like
give me
like a
real insight
into what's
going on
with me
so a lot
of times
it's real
nice to
go to
those
meetings
and just
listen
you know
and just
hear
and it's
funny
because
sometimes
people
will put
into
words
what i
could
i can
never
it's
like
i'll
have
little
pieces
of
of
what
i'm
trying
to
feel
but i
can't
get the
mosaic
right
you know
i can't
get the
i can't
get it
to really
jang
up
and then
somebody
else
will
they'll
say it
and they'll
have
just
i mean
they put
all my
pieces
together
it's
like
oh
man
thank
you
so
much
i've
just
had
these
pieces
you
know
so
that's
one
thing
that i
really
love
about
the
meetings
what
else
i want
you guys
to hit
the
hotline
and just
i want
to know
who's
listening
to this
show
just
tell me
what
you do
it
doesn't
have
to
be
really
long
you
know
this
is
ricky
and i
work
at
a
you
know
i work
at
build
a
bear
you
know
i'm
a
fur
handler
whatever
it is
do it
you know
and just
hit the
hotline
leave that
we just
i'd love
to know
who's
um
who's
listening
um
i feel
nervous
i haven't
done this
kind of
like a
solo
episode
in a
while
so i
don't know
why i feel
nervous
about it
but
uh
that's
okay
it also
could be
excitement
sometimes
nerve
excitement
like hot
like
it's
we think
it's
nerves
but
it's
just
like
it's
just
excitement
you know
i think
we get
we immediately
sometimes
or i
immediately
sometimes
we'll say
i'm
it's
anxiety
but
fuck
i might
just be
a little
psyched
up about
it
you know
it's
been a
while
it's
been a
while
since
i've
gotten
to
sit
here
and
uh
and
be
in
this
seat
and
and
um
and be
a part
of
this
program
so
i'm
grateful
for
that
all right
let's
news
here
we got
some
news
that has
come
in
um
i thought
this was
pretty
fascinating
florida
governor
defends
migrant
flights
to
martha's
vineyard
suggests
more
to come
so
here's
what
happened
is
uh
desantis
who
is
a
governor
in
florida
and
i always
think
it's
interesting
how
like
if
somebody
there's
a
problem
somewhere
people
don't
know
about
it
