Name: Cold Beach | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #413
Uploaded: 2022-10-19T05:56:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cold Beach | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #413' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cold Beach | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #413' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-19. Transcript available.

Cold Beach | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #413

we got new merch some new colorways uh in the be good to yourself collection
we've got hoodies in plum and moss we've also got t-shirts in lilac moss and
blue mist
i hope you enjoy those those are good colors get that hitter and more at theovonstore.com
that's it i mean summer is it's a wrap on summer that's that's done that's done
you can't
you still see something i was on the interstate the other day and when
they had some family driving to the beach and i just you know in the back seat
you could see the
kid with like a little sand pail and you know and he had like a little bucket
or a little
you know you just saw the hope and possibility in his eyes and then you just
realized damn man his
family taking him to the cold beach and that's definitely you know when i was
young we we had
to do the cold beach you know because it's certainly you know rich people don't
realize when they leave
the beach that there's that you know that other tier of humanity that rolls
into the beach baby when that
is cold because it's cheap you get your hotel room 19 in there
31 dollars all you can sleep they get you in that but yeah everybody's in that
college you have seven 12 them 19 children in there in a two bed in a deluxe or
something two bed deluxe
or something one sink i don't know how they divide it up nowadays or whatever
you know free ice
and all of that you at the beach and i remember man we'd go down to the cold
beach and it you know
and mom tries to act like it's like it's gonna be it's fine it's warm
and nobody's out there except other poor just people don't even know how to use
the beach you know
people only don't even know what's going on people some guy out there eating
sunscreen with a spoon just
people just you know that shan be that shan't be even at the beach
and they out there people just poor people just building sand apartments
you see that what they have the uh and the kids will make like a sand cop car
and then they'll have a sand father getting put into the cop car he'll make
like damn bro
so you see a lot of when you know when poor people hit the beach it's a little
bit different
you know a lot more people come out there with attack dogs you'll see
uh you know somebody out there with a big attack with a rottweiler
and that he's out there you know catching crabs and he's out there you know he'll
them rottweilers are powerful too they'll run right they'll run half you know
into the waves
and come out with a just a damn sturgeon in their mouth
you know you send a dang uh
what are those dogs uh zach that kill people every year pit bulls yeah you'll
see somebody out there
have a pit bull run out into the water he'll come back with four frisbees and a
damn mackerel
and a couple of and his hair corn road you see that you know
that's when poor people hit the beach that's when it's cold
and people don't realize that there's no sun out there it's mostly just crabs
and uh
a lot of jellyfish
you know a lot of high fructose jellyfish too
and they out there but people forget that what it's like
yeah nothing like a um a cold a trip to the cold beach my mother would take us
over there to biloxi
mississippi
and i don't even know if this beach was incorporated it might have still been
barely a llc if that
i mean it would they had like a lot of this the water by the edge had like this
froth on it it looked like
it looked like uh
there'd been some like um i don't know if like vomiting or if maybe like fish
had been vomiting over
there it just like they had a i can't even explain it man the edge of the water
where it hit the shore had like um
a lot of foam it looked like a top of a beer that's what it looked like it
looked like a lot of the water was probably had beer in it
and if you if you grew up along the coast especially the gulf of mexico and i
think even some
i think i think it happens in a lot of places where the b it gets a little
you know you're like damn this water looks sick the water looks like it's not
doing well like you should
you know put a blanket on her i mean i don't know how you would even do that
but it's like the it just
so anyway we went to the damn poor beach and i you know and the vendors there
that vent they they
you know the warm weather was over so you'd go to the hot dog stand or whatever
and they'd be selling
just gum and you're like gum
you know you get you nine pieces of gum the guy would sometimes shape the gums
and do like a wiener and put three other gums on the side make a little frank
you know a little bread
little like damn this take you eight hours to eat that because you know gum it
kind of fights back a
little bit when you try to eat it if you're just chewing gum it'll work with
you but if you
if you really try to eat it it'll it'll want it you know gum don't want all
that
you know you know when you swallow gum that you are not supposed to
gum is you know it's halfway to plastic man um
but anyway yeah it's fall time it's what you know this is where we are this is
what's going
on i want to thank everybody who came out recently uh we went and did some
shows out there
wichita uh omaha and denver it was it was wonderful man wichita you know it's a
real
there's not a lot going on in the city so when you see people during the it
almost feels like during
the day it's like uh it has a very kind of like war-torn vibe you know it's not
a lot of people
running around you know it's almost like if you see someone you ask them you
know
you know if everything's okay or if they need water it's like you know it has
that kind of
you know you you don't and if you see somebody you almost hug them because you
don't know if you're
going to see nobody again um but then the shows at night people flock in and so
i think it's more
i don't know what it is i don't know if maybe people were just working out in
the yard like in the
what's the yard of a city called like the suburbs or whatever like the
surrounding whatever maybe if you
were working out there and then they came through um but that was great uh omaha
yeah the omaha the
venue there was it was in like a dang orchestra place and i didn't know that
and so that wasn't really
the best choice for a comedy venue uh so that was real real you know that was a
felt a little ramshackle in that sense like even right when we pulled up they
had people rolling
out with like symphony instruments and you know somebody with a big you know a
big uh
harp some dude with a damn harp it was like damn this dude got a damn harp over
here you know and so
you know you know he's probably um but uh but yeah they that was you know there
was just a lot of
symphony play it was just it was more built for a symphony so it was it was
just interesting to do
comedy in that room and then we went over to denver that was that was awesome
um so but yeah everybody
that came out man thank you guys so much and and we actually have some new
dates to announce we're going
to come back to colorado um and that will be january 12th 13th 14th and 15th uh
those shows will be in
grand junction uh pueblo pueblo uh denver and fort collin um so you guys can
come check all of those out
uh we'll also have shows march 2nd and march 3rd uh and those will be in medford
massachusetts and boston
massachusetts at the chevalier theater and the wilbur theater artist pre-sale
starts wednesday october
19th at 10 a.m with the code rat king and the general on sale starts friday october
21st at 10 a.m
local those times are your local time get your tickets theovan.com slash tour
so excited to be rolling
back to some of those places man um we also did some shows in lexington and man
we got to go out to we
went out to a horse farm we met a fella this fella dylan i think his name
seemed like a he was kind of
like a um just a man you know when you saw him you seem like he seemed like a
man you might ask directions
from look like he had directions you know what i'm saying like a reliable
source uh
well anyway so he took us out we met him at a show and then he took us out to a
horse farm
and we got to ride on a horse and if you've never been on a horse man that
bitch is a real
it's a i mean it reminds me i have a when i first had a power steering vehicle
you know my my dad used to let me drive his cutlass he had a cutlass and i
would drive that
bitch and uh it probably weighed maybe i don't know how much a car weighs 3 000
pounds or something
how much does the car weigh zach can you pull that up
and uh i mean i and that thing it had power steering i don't know it didn't
have that much
power but i mean it was hard to steer it was almost like steering a boat it was
i mean in fact it was
horrible and i remember one time he went into the post office and i hit a
couple car i took it
for a quick spin around the block because my dad was real old so when he went
into the post office
it'd take him you know 12 18 minutes to get there and back you know because he
had that slow stride on
him i mean my dad just walked so slow he had that age in him you know he had
all the years inside of
him every year you could he was just a damn stack of calendars with lungs and
heart and he would get
out the car to go walk somewhere that you'd have all the time you could do
whatever you wanted you had
all the time in the world i mean you had half a you know it took forever for
him to come back
so i remember he pulled up at the post office he'd be like i'm gonna run inside
and i knew that he meant walk and uh so he'd get up out the seat and stuff and
i'd get in the
driver's seat and take that bitch for a lap that brown cutlass and had some
burn marks on the back
somebody tried to steal my dad had a bunch of m&ms and different things and
stuff
that he gave away because he he used to sign people up for credit cards at
colleges and stuff and
and he was an alcoholic but he he had a trunk full of m&ms one time and and
they had a couple people
tried to get in there and steal them and try to burn their way in which was
just dumb you know i think
to you know to try and just use regular fire to get through a trunk is just i
think and no offense if
anybody's retarded bro um but anyway what was i talking about zach yeah i
looked up the average
weight of a car it's around 3 000 4 000 pounds but a cutlass was very heavy so
i bet it's more closer
to 4 000. yeah that was heavy man but my dad would get up and go walking man he
it dude he would walk
it take a bird would land on him not even they thought he was you know
stationary he'd be that
just damn i mean just just barely going you know you'd see him come he was just
it look like he they'd come and build a fountain around like a build a water
thing and people start
throwing pennies in he just then they'd be like oh damn this guy's moving you
know this is not sorry
my bad sir and uh but he was just so slow man my dad was so slow and so anyway
he'd go in the bank
or the post office wherever and i'd get in that cutlass that driver's seat and
i'd take that
bitch for a spin and one time i took it around the block and i hit a couple
parked cars with that
bastard pop pop pop damn i hit them matches doug and i prayed for those people
afterwards and you know
so i did my part but uh so anyway back to the horses so yeah this thing man
being on a horse is really
it's not for it's not for me i don't think you know we went out it it's just
that thing you don't
know what's gonna happen it's like it has a bunch of gears but you don't have
you don't know them that's
a thing it's like riding in a car it's like there's no like you have to like
like that's one of the
things it's a lot of secret code and that thing man it was hard and you're just
bouncing up and down
and you're like dude the whole time like after like the fifth or sixth bounce
you're like damn dude i think
i'm gay bro it's like it just i don't know what the long-term goal is you know
i bet if you met jockeys
when they first started a male jockey and then you met him again six seven
years later bro i bet he knows
a few more men you k