Name: Dana Carvey | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #417
Uploaded: 2022-11-15T16:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dana Carvey | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #417' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dana Carvey | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #417' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-15. Transcript available.

Dana Carvey | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #417

We got new merch, some new colorways in the Be Good to Yourself collection.
We've got hoodies in plum and moss.
We've also got t-shirts in lilac, moss, and blue mist.
I hope you enjoy those. Those are good colors.
Get that hitter and more at theovonstore.com.
I'd also like to announce some new tour dates.
I will be coming with the Return of the Rat Tour.
January 26th to Louisville, Kentucky.
January 28th, Indianapolis.
February 2nd, Shreveport, Louisiana.
February 4th, Baton Rouge.
March 24, Corpus Christi.
March 25, Houston, Texas.
April 26th, Phoenix.
Down there in the sun.
May 13th, New York City.
And June 1st, Austin, Texas.
All those shows go on sale Wednesday, November 16th at 10 a.m.
Local time with the code RATKING.
That's the pre-sale.
You can get any ticket through theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
Just make sure you go through there to get accurately priced seats.
And thank you, guys, and we love you.
Today's guest, I mean, this guy, he's got more voices in him than a dang
schizophrenic, you know?
He's a real, you know, he just, his impersonations and his ability to imagine
and create at the same time.
It's a remarkable gift to the world.
And we've seen it through his work on Saturday Night Live, his countless films,
Wayne's World, his new podcast, Fly on the Wall with David Spade,
and his new scripted podcast with Dex Carvey and Julian Matulich.
We're going to learn a little bit about that today.
I'm grateful to get to spend time with him, Mr. Dana Carvey.
Well, the worst thing you can do is say to yourself,
I wonder if I'll get an erection.
Yeah.
The whole idea of sex is not thinking.
And all you have to do is concentrate on turning yourself on.
Because they asked me that once on a podcast.
They go, how do you turn someone on?
You go, turn yourself on.
Damn.
True.
Focus on that.
Yeah, I think I like, yeah, I mean, I've had probably libido issues since I was
probably,
I would bet eight or nine months old.
I don't know.
Well, but you're, okay.
Well, you don't have a libido until you go through puberty, really.
Right?
Okay.
I mean, who has a libido when they're in diapers?
I mean, what are you talking about?
But, you know.
I don't know.
I have to look at some pictures and see what, you know, see what was going on
back then.
But, yeah, I felt like, I don't know when that libido starts cranking up.
Well, it's normally, I'll just play doctor, when puberty happens is when libido
kicks up.
I'm going to say that.
Yeah.
We had a party in our neighborhood.
This guy had, he was an Elvis impersonator, right?
And he had a party for his child whenever he went through puberty, I remember.
And we went over there.
Well, that's kind of like a bar mitzvah, kind of, right?
I guess.
I don't know.
I'd never, I'd never been to anything like that.
I think it was like some part of, I don't know if it was like a church program
or whatever,
but yeah, this fella got all pubescent or whatever.
And so they invited everybody over there for cake or whatever.
When I turned 13, my dad headbutt me and I saw stars.
Yeah.
You think you're a man?
But enough about the girl.
That's a star mitzvah, dude.
That's the same thing, bro.
I tell everybody, Mike Myers always said the one movie he had was a headbutt.
And you always come up slow.
If you know there's going to be a fight, like, what's up?
We got to have peace.
Boom.
And it really is efficient.
Didn't you have that in Louisiana?
A move?
Headbutt.
The sudden friendly one.
I don't know, Jed.
We should get along.
We can share the fishing hole.
Boom.
I don't know where you grew up.
I know it's down in that area of the world.
Yeah.
I think a good headbutt.
What was a good move down there?
A good headbutt.
Oh, mace, I think, was popular by us.
Are you a little warm day now?
Well, no, I'm not.
Well, this is for Arctic weather, but I just want to keep the blue around me
because it's hip.
Yeah, it is.
I'm like in a little cozy.
Yeah, I can't believe how good I look today.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
Isn't it interesting?
Some days you crack up, you wake up, you're like, okay, today's going to be an
okay looking day.
I know.
Well, if I go back, I still think that a man, Lorne Michaels said once,
something about a man in his 40s and a woman in their 20s.
They're both at the peak of their power.
So you're just coming into your peak sex symbol.
You're successful, you're successful, you're in your 40s.
Now you go start to look at 20, 21, 22, I'll keep going, 23, 24.
But yeah, you're in your prime.
But I remember someone saying that to me.
I had this guy my age doing my hair on some kind of movie.
And I go, I'm 38.
And he goes, oh, you're in your prime.
That fucker was right.
Was he?
No, but I'm in my prime now.
Yeah.
Hey.
Yeah, the prime, I guess.
Hi, I'm Johnny Positive.
The prime has to keep moving, huh?
You have to keep the prime moving, don't you?
Yeah.
If you didn't age or get older, then we'd be in some kind of hellish
environment.
You think?
Yeah, we got to check out.
We got to have an expiration date.
It makes everything intense.
What if you lived a million years?
You're just like, what would you do?
I mean, you would definitely probably call in, you know, you'd show up late to
work more, I think.
Well, you know, I've always wanted to play the saxophone because my parents,
I got picked to play the saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 a month.
And I kept coming to school.
It's expensive, huh?
And they said, they said, where's your saxophone?
So I go, I'll have it tomorrow.
And at one point, I think my mom said, you know, we can't afford the saxophone.
So if I lived a million years, I would spend at least 10,000 years practicing
the saxophone.
Yeah.
Bro, you'd be so good then.
You'd be able to play for the king or whatever.
I don't think I, no, I don't think that's my skill set.
But I like to bang on things and strum things.
Did you have an instrument as a child?
Was there something you got kind of early that they gave you?
Usually a parent will give a child something, give them a horn, give them a
little, you know,
sometimes you see parents give them a Moroccan.
That came later, but first my brother and I saw the Beach Boys, we had a band
called The Surfers.
So we had the clothes hamper, you know, with a crayon, we wrote The Surfers.
He got a one-string guitar.
He could play Louie Louie for a buck.
And I would kick the clothes hamper for my kick drum.
And then I had a Hardy Boys book for my snare and the two drumsticks we stole
from Mickey Hart of The Grateful Dead, his store in the 1960s, because we were
huge juvenile delinquents.
And then I met him 30 years later, and I didn't know if it was true.
He goes, did you own a music store on Laurel Avenue in San Carlos?
He goes, yeah.
I go, I think I shoplifted there.
I handed him a 20.
But I had that.
And then I got a big bash snare drum in sixth grade, plastic, but I had a muscly
cousin who came down and just beat, killed it in a day.
And why did he do it?
He just was angry that you were going to try to learn it?
No, he was one of those muscly kids.
He's like a sixth grader, Jay Winters, and he just was muscly.
Every, you visited him, every time he'd visit him, he'd crouch like he was
going to wrestle you.
Yeah.
You know, one of those cousins?
Like, I don't want to wrestle you, dude.
So he broke the big bash.
But do you, do you remember what, what toy blew your mind?
Because I always ask people this, I, this is what I say, the big three from
five to 12.
All right.
Movie or TV show where you went, holy shit.
Toy you had where you went, holy shit.
And then a bike where you felt like an adventurer, the bike, you know.
Yeah, I think the bike was, it had those spoke things, those little dinks,
those little dinks, whenever the wheel turned, like the little thing would
slide down the little, it had like a little, a little, you know, a thing that
they used to count.
If you can't count real good and you slide it.
Oh, okay.
So I had like a little ticker thing.
Go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Something like a little, like these little, can you pull it up, Zach?
Abacus?
No.
Can you pull up what I'm talking about?
Just like the, the spoke.
Because we would do a clothespin and playing cards.
Ooh.
To get the motor cell.
That's fire.
You did that too, right?
Yeah, they, yeah, we got up, sold some garbage, a little deal, but it would tink.
And then this hot girl sometimes would ride on it with me, you know, or not
that hot, but like, you know, she like lived near me, which was hot back then,
you know?
Oh, yeah.
Dude, if a girl lived far and if you could throw something and hit a girl, damn,
she was fine when you were growing up.
I would say third grade, yeah.
Did you ever drop your pencil so you had to pick it up and then you'd look
behind you and the girl, you could see the girl's skirt.
Oh, drop it so she would get it?
No, drop it so you have an excuse to reach down and look back where the girl
you liked was sitting.
Dude, I was erect from probably.
Wait a minute, you had no libido.
Oh, I don't know if I did it.
I might have been all libido, but I was erect probably from me.
I can't even imagine.
I think from probably fifth grade to probably 31.
Did you ever have like in grade school, like, okay, and you're just full bloom.
You're just fantasizing.
You're in a zone.
You're not paying attention.
They go, Theo, come to the chalkboard.
Come to the chalkboard right now.
Yeah, you're like, oh.
And you had a full erection.
What did you do about that?
Joust.
I would joust the other guy passing me in the aisle.
That's what I would do.
Everybody was erect, man.
It was just a bunch of.
The whole classroom.
Oh, it was a bunch of like those tarpons passing each other in the water in
middle school, in junior high.
Oh, great, man.
Every like, I feel like you just didn't want to get snagged on somebody's
freaking pants snout
when you're walking down the hall.
I remember sometimes I would have my strap hanging off my back and we had
hooked on somebody else's penis.
I was just, you know, because in junior high, every kid is just so damn erect,
bro.
It's just like, you know, people just, they can't handle it.
You know, you get that front rudder on you and you can't handle it as a child.
But I remember this hot girl got her toe caught in my bike and we had to take
her to the, like, I don't know if it was emergency room or just somebody close
by that had damn thread on them, you know, when we took her over there.
And I remember.
Damn thread?
You mean just cool clothes?
Oh, no, like, just like could knit her, you know, spruce, splice her toe back
up.
Oh.
And so I remember she got, man, she got, she got pretty mangled up and, but she
had a limp after that and I would, I'd limp with it because she was always
trying to run away from me.
So after that, it was kind of good because it kind of, you know, gave me a
chance to talk to her.
So she's out in some open field in Louisiana and she's got this hickety step
because of a broken leg and you're kind of chasing her and she's trying to get
away.
Originally, she'd keep away from me, but once she got her toe, she rode on my
bike one time, she got her toe caught in the spokes.
And that was, and it caused permanent damage or?
It caused at least maybe two months of damage.
Wow.
Okay.
God.
Well, my brother lost his front teeth two different ways in fifth grade.
I think first he did a wheelie on his stingray front tire went boom chip.
They got the caps.
Then he's doing Duncan yo-yos and he's going loop to loop.
Bam.
Chipped them again.
Only twice.
I thought there'd be a third one, man.
It'll happen still.
Duncan Imperials.
I once shoplifted six of those at a Woolworths.
I would go to kids on the street and go, you want a yo-yo?
And I go in, steal a yo-yo, bring it out.
You want one?
Duncan Imperial.
Go in, take it.
I was juvenile in fourth grade.
Yeah.
And what were you think you were acting out about something?
I'm sitting here with Dana Carvey as well.
And I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce that.
Not at all.
And what is th