Name: Gangsgiving | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #419
Uploaded: 2022-11-22T17:36:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gangsgiving | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #419' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gangsgiving | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #419' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-22. Transcript available.

Gangsgiving | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #419

gang baby gang baby
gang triple gang boy we got here triple gangin getting ready for gang's giving
son
um happy day to everybody happy day to everybody i hope somebody hope i hope
you woke up today and
and somebody loved you and and you know who i really hope that i hope i hope i
hope it was yourself
because that's the that's the kicker you know i meet a stranger off you know i'll
hug them
you have somebody down you know fuck i'll dang hug i'll hug a dang hitchhiker
you know i'll put if if there was a hitchhiker and he put his hands in his
pockets i'd put my
hand in his pockets at the same time just play hot pocket in there no no no
rubbing or nothing just be
there with him you know because you don't know a hitchhiker until you've you
know walked a day or
handed a mile in his pockets you know it's like i'm just saying it could be a
hitchhiker and i'll go
i'll stand you know i'll hug him i'll hug him fast because they're dirty they
got a lot of that
interstate dust you know a lot of um those big trucks throw up a bunch of dirt
and if you're
right there h-hiking baby a lot of it damn get lodged on you you'll have a sand
dune of just
cigarette ash and interstate dirt just lodged on you know in the in the in the
uh crevasse of your neck
if you're out there hitchhiking
but you know i'm amazed sometimes at my ability to be loving towards strangers
but then lacking that same um
that same compassion for myself or sometimes for people that are close to me
you know it's like i'll give us you know i'll take my chances on a stranger
the devil's rochambeau baby a hitchhiker
i'll take my chances out there
before i'll do uh before i'll easily you know um
what are we talking about
oh loving before i'll be loving to to someone who
is already close to me or is bill is my family a lot of times it's been in my
past
and that's not my present
uh but it has been my past
um anyway not not a downer they're just interesting
and it's that time of year you know to really
you know it's that damn time of year to damn
i mean kiss grandma
kiss that bitch in the kitchen you know just
and i don't even look if she's had a glass of wine put a damn blindfold on
grandma
and damn kiss her
put it say look
what was grandpa's favorite song put that bitch on
and lock on her you don't be perving out on her
don't be trying to touch all in her slip or
or uh
you know or damn split a thing of dentine with her whatever uh
effedent or whatever it's called effedent
don't try to don't be
don't get all
pervacious but i think look if you want to
put on your sneak on your granddaddy's favorite shirt if he's passed away i
mean
and put a blindfold on grandma slow dance in the kitchen
let her put her head on your chest just be that missy hey
i know you miss grandpa let me see could i slow dance with you for a minute
no touching i just want you to
put a little old spice in that
make you a little pond of
you know where your clavicle makes that little pond right there
on your neck
if you're hungry if you leaned out you can get that little
make you a little puddle right there
put your little old spice in that bitch
and get grandma up there in the kitchen dance with her
do something for somebody you know that's what i want to do
little things see my sister give her a hug
text my brother in the morning telling him tell him i love him
no reason at all
just a simple this simple fact that he that he
graced my heart that the idea of him
that he visited just my brain
you know it's not it's you know
so i hope yeah i hope and not everybody has a family member and i hope that
you do have somebody that you that you love or that loves you
or that you're able to love yourself on this holiday time
because we need it and it's tough and it is what it is baby
but i'm so grateful to be sitting here with you and uh we got a nice little
episode here
and um and yeah i'm just feeling full man i'm feeling full of hope
as much as i don't want to be sometimes i don't want to be hopeful
you know there's a part of there's a part of me sometimes don't want to be
hopeful
you won't see me down there by the hope pond
putting hope meat on my hope hook
and just hoping i catch something you want so i don't want to be hopeful
sometimes
sometimes i'd rather be a curmudgeon
just talking in four-wheel drive everything
my boy i got a v10 in my my throat
diesel i got diesel tonsils
and i'm just every i want to be
because it's been hard sometimes to be hopeful
it's hard if you feel like life has burnt you a little
if you feel like the past wasn't what it was supposed to be for you you don't
want to be hopeful anymore
you want to have that chip on your shoulder
you want to be a shoulder chip baby
out there chip chopping
and just slanging chips off your shoulder
step right up who needs a chip huh
chips on one shoulder dip on the other
you're just a damn little condiment
you're just a little damn appetizer at that point
but yeah i'm more willing i feel like these days to try and be hopeful
just be hopeful
i didn't want to be hopeful because it's hard it's
if i admit
to the world that i'm willing to have hope
then that means i'm sorry
then that means i'm not willing to hold a grudge
and sometimes i don't know if i'm a
i'm willing to let go of one of them enough
to grab onto that other one
because that's where you got to have some faith in there
when you're letting go of the grudges
to grasp onto the hope
there's some space in there
and that's man it's the shortest bit of space
but damn that is hard
it's hard to get
it's hard to get from one to the other
it's hard to let go of those that pad
that those things that are
because they give me power
oh i'm angry about this
fuck this bitch
these people
i remember them
that all gives me
it gives me something
well i can always preach at them
but man if i want to let go of that
and reach for that hope
baby damn
that things could be different
and open myself up to opportunity
it's been hard for me to do in my life
but today i'm hopeful
that i'm on to something new
come on baby
thank you for being here with me today
i love you
whenever you're down
whenever you're down
out in the cold
out in the cold
faithless and died
your story's untold
come take my hand
and walk there with me
i know a place
where we can be free
there is a light
shining for you
guiding your way
helping you through
shadows and gloom
are all that you see
we'll find a place
where we can be free
from the mountaintops
down to the deepest
valley
hear a voice
calling you
calling you
it's the rising sun
shining in the darkest alley
can't you see
you will be free
come on baby
there we go
and we got into that
and sometimes
you got to get into it
baby sometimes
you got to get damn
in there
you got to get in there
which
bam boy
sometimes you got
man sometimes
i wish i could
just completely hide
myself inside of my nuts
don't you
god
because i'll say this
about nuts
people say this and that
about nuts
oh them nuts
are nasty
you hear women say that
oh look at them
nasty nuts
he got them
old
you know
he got them
old
1990s nuts
or whatever
or you'll hear him say
oh he got them
um
look at these
cheap nuts
some woman said that
to me once
about my nuts
i'm like what
she's like yeah
with your cheap ass
nuts
and then she
hit my nuts
like that
dude and you know
if you have nuts
one quarter
if you have a quarter
square inch
of pressure
on your nuts
bro
if a damn
acorn falls off
a seven inch
tree and lands
on your nuts
bro
it's
going
to hurt
because your
nuts is damn
oh
they are insecure
i'll say that
your nuts
are insecure
that's just
what they are
but um
but i'll say
this the skin
on your nuts
damn
come on
actually
that's a damn
that's a nice
material
there's no doubt
if i had a couple
of damn
um
some damn
bald skin
loafers or
something to put
my feet in
while i watch
television
yeah
oh boy
if i had
some damn
uh
just some
dang
um
you know
if i had me
some some
nut wall
slippers in
there
damn
a little bit
of sheepskin
on the outside
nut wall
on the inside
of a pair
of dang
christmas
slippers
whoo
santa's
coming on
my feet
boo boo
you ain't
stopping me
then
you ain't
stopping me
then baby
if i had
a damn
nut coat
if somebody
said damn
what you
wearing boy
me
nut
damn
that's
80%
nut
20%
boss
baby
if i'm
not
now i guess
some people
would get
the nut
skin
jacket
or said
if you
couldn't
afford it
i'd get
the vest
because if
you show
up to
a party
baby
and you
damn
you just
vest it
out
in some
just sheer
ball
skin
if you
wearing
sheer
ball
if you
wearing
a sheer
damn
ball
vest
and
that
bitch
gonna
be
nice
people
they
gonna
invite
you
in
the
back
room
to
smoke
you
a
joint
or
something
or
get
you
some
bubbly
back
there
where
they
keep
the
good
stuff
you
know
because
that's
how it
goes
it's like
at a
party
you go
to
somebody's
party
and
everybody's
having
the
normal
amounts
of
things
in the
living room
and it's
hey
come back
over here
if you're
doing well
at the
party
if you're
socially
acceptable
or you're
being
enjoyable
or you're
dancing
well
or whatever
you brought
a couple
dames
with you
and they
say come
over here
to the
party
it might
be
somebody
invites you
to the
back
room
and they
got
you know
just a
damn
little jar
of homemade
molasses
and they
just spooning
people out
get you a
little half
ounce
you know
get Debbie
a little
half
ounce
but if
they got
you drugged
then it
could be
drugs
you know
hey
get you
a little
sack
of this
get you
a little
gram
of this
give Tiffany
a little
bit
of this
oh
Ron
likes
them
uppers
make
sure
you
upper
Ron
you know
it's
just
but if
you're
wearing
damn
nuts
boy
come
on
son
now
the
tough
part
is
if
you
got
cheap
ball
skin
you
got
that
shit
you know
you'd
have
different
grades
of it
you'd
have
no
hair
you'd
have
to
go
probably
no
hair
I
think
but I
don't
know
bro
you show
up
with
some
damn
middle
eastern
nut
nuts
skin
coat
or
little
even
just
a
dude
if
you
had
a
damn
nut
skin
neck
brace
that
bitch
would
be
expensive
and
if
it
had
that
hair
on
it
you
gotta
keep
the
hair
off
of
it
I
think
I
don't
think
I
would
want
that
and
then
the
different
grades
of
it
are
the
ages
you're
like
damn
they
got
this
shit
off
a
95
year
old
this
you
know
and
then
it's
like
oh
this
is
damn
you
know
this
is
some
good
45
you
know
somebody
unfortunately
passed
away
maybe
cancer
or
I
don't
know
then
this
is
where
this
whole
theory
is
getting
a
little
bit
dark
I'm
seeing
that
but
dang
boy
you
telling
me
I
don't
show
up
with
some
uggs
made
out
of
dick
jug
skin
come
on
baby
the
devil's
chicken
nuggets
baby
nuts
nuts
Satan's
tonsils
baby
you know
what I'm
talking
about
nuts
your
nuts
but
God
forbid
I roll
up
with a
damn
nut
skin
belt
fresh
nut
like
damn
look at
that
thing
and
I
would
even
I'd
go
down
probably
off
you
know
I
don't
want
to
say
off
it
but
off
of
Asian
probably
a
brother
depends
on
who
you
know
what
kind
of
what
you
going
for
because
you
could
do
some
basic
Caucasian
nut
but
I
don't
know
anyway
this
is
getting
a
little
dark
it's
getting
a
little
dark
happy
Thanksgiving
is
what
I'm
trying
to
say
and
happy
Thanksgiving
to
you
I
am
we got
some
new
stuff
it's
that
time
of
year
we
got
some
new
items
if
you
want
to
get
somebody
a
gift
you
can
check
out
the
hitter
hunting
club
collection
now
available
at
theovonstore.com
we got
hoodies
and
orange
and
maroon
and
couple
different
items
over
there
if
you
like
to
get
out
in
the
woods
we
want
you
to
feel
like
you
can
take
this
past
weekend
with
you
so
we're
grateful
for
that
we got
camo
hats
if
you
like
eating
Thanksgiving
with
your
family
but
you
want
to
hide
from
them
at
the
same
time
because
I've
seen
that
man
we
got
you
know
you
have
a
guy
in
there
in
complete
camouflage
at
his own
dinner
table
you're
like
hey
dad
please
pass
the
pears
and
he
picks
a
pair
off
his
camo
because
the
camo
he
got
was
cheaper
it
had
a
tropical
vibe
to
it
and
so
it's
got
pine
and
some
bark
but
then
it
also
have
a
couple
damn
fruit
trees
in
it
you
know
like
damn
this
camo
is
a
little
you
know
this
camo
don't
this
is
that
San
Francisco
camo
you
know
what
I'm
sa