Name: Merry Lloyd Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #423
Uploaded: 2022-12-20T16:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Merry Lloyd Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #423' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Merry Lloyd Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #423' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-20. Transcript available.

Merry Lloyd Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #423

All right. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. Merry, Merry Christmas.
Lloyd Christmas too. Damn. I've had a Merry Christmas and then I've had, I've
had a damn Lloyd Christmas, you know, where you chip your tooth and you know,
you end up just damn looking for your own asshole all day.
And that's a toughie. That's a toughie, baby. When you find yourself, you hide
on the trail of your own asshole. That's, you know, that's, that's not good.
That's not good. I've had that Merry Christmas and I've had that Lloyd
Christmas, you know, I've had, I've had it just fa la la la la, you know, where
you and your cousin just sitting on the damn
porch steps, just eating, just, just feeding each other manicotti. You know, I've
had that shit where somebody come by, drive up by the house, give you a little
sip out of their smoothie cup. And they're not even a pedophile or just a, just
a damn good Samaritan with a blender.
You know, I've had, you know, I've had those kinds of holidays, you know, where,
you know, where some hottie watch it, let you, you know, let you watch her
breastfeed a little, not for a long time, just enough, you know, where you play
that song.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, just one play, you know, because it's almost biblical.
You watch that.
You watch a baby getting titted out and you're listening to hallelujah, you
know, where, uh, oh, bless ye, merry gentlemen, you know, that, that, oh,
Christ, the Savior is born.
You listen to that bitch and you watch somebody breastfeed, you know, that's,
there's something very Christmassy about it.
Now you follow that lady and the child back to the car, back to the room or
whatever, that's, you know, that's not in the Bible because that's, you know,
you write in your own chapters at that point, you're going to probably end up,
you know, you're going to end up in jail or doing, you know, on house arrest or
something.
But, um, what was I talking about? Merry Christmas to you. Happy holidays. I've
had that Merry Christmas and I've had that Lloyd Christmas.
You know, I remember one time we got, uh, you know, I used to go drink lean
over there. My buddy was a manager at a Chuck E. Cheese.
You know, he was a manager over there at, uh, at a Chuck E. Cheese, baby. And
we'd go over there. Sometimes I, I would go over there sometimes after his
shift and we'd drink a little bit of lean over there.
You know, just lean with, just, we'd get leaned up. Damn, I was fucking veal,
bruh. I'd add so much lean. I was just damn, whew. You cut me into some medallions,
baby, and sell me. I was vealed out. I was lean.
And he would turn the band, you know, he had control of the, uh, Chuck E.
Cheese band that played on stage.
And he'd turn that bitch up to damn 11, bruh. And we'd watch him play just as,
you know, we'd watch him bitches play. I mean, he could, we could do, um, free
bird in about a little over three minutes, dude.
He'd watch, I mean, them bitches would play fast as they could, bruh. Fast.
They do. We watching free, but I mean, just, you know, we'd, we'd play to the
damn chef.
Whatever the chef, his name is Benny or something. Let me see. Who's in the
band? Chuck E. Cheese band members.
This, oh, uh, whoever, oh yeah. Pascali, the drummer. He was the chef. And we'd
play, one time he, we'd, you know, he crying, he had it playing so fast, the
fuck, the chef arm came off that bitch, son.
But that was a, that was a Merry Christmas, man. You know, when you so get, you
know, you so, you amped up so much that damn, you over there in the band, you
know, the Chuck E. Cheese band is playing for just you and a friend.
And you're sitting there just sharing problems and sharing joy, you know, in a
strip mall over there.
And it's a little, I will admit it's mildly, there's a homoeroticness to it, I
think, if you go there.
But if you don't, it's just good men being good men.
But, uh, man, the world's so fast now, isn't it?
The world is so damn, it's so dang fast.
Everything's just, how fast can it go?
The speeds, the gigabytes, the modem, the text, the Wi-Fi, the airdrop.
You know, I remember back, back in the day, you had to run a note.
If you wanted to know something, you had to run a note.
Now they got direct message.
Man, you could send the Pope a direct message.
I've done it, I'll be honest.
Middle of the night, bro.
Just hit the Pope up, where the hoes at?
You know?
And yeah, I shouldn't do it, but, you know, it's, things happen.
What are we talking about?
Sorry.
Merry Christmas, guys.
That's what I'm telling you.
Um, but yeah, things go so fast.
Things go so fast, you gotta make a moment.
If you want a moment now, you gotta make a moment.
You gotta make a moment.
That's what I'm noticing.
You know, I notice some of my friendships, some of my relationships,
they just, they just, you know,
we'll make a plan.
You know, I've had instances where I've made a plan to go do something,
and I go do it, but I don't make it a moment, you know?
You know, I might spend time with a young lady,
and I don't make, I don't, I, you know, I don't make it a moment.
I'm there, and I'm kind of checked in, I'm partly, you know, I'm on my phone,
maybe I'm, but I'm there, but it's like,
I don't, I don't say, hey, I'm gonna make this a moment.
I'm gonna put some damn,
I'm gonna kick the clock right in the nuts right now.
You know, instead, I'll just go with the flow of time.
But I've been thinking about that, about, if I want there to be moments in my
life,
I gotta make a moment.
I gotta make them.
And I find for myself, I want everything to be perfect before something happens.
That's how I am.
I want everything to be, look, as soon as everything gets all lined up,
gets all perfect, then this will happen.
And by doing that, I'm not really giving,
I'm not really giving the Lord a chance to tickle me.
You know, I'm not really giving, stay with me.
I'm not really, by, by, by, by saying, okay, I'm not, when,
as soon as this, then this, and then this, you know,
as soon as I get my slippers on,
my feet will be warm.
I'm gonna go to daddy's.
I'm gonna make a pot pie.
You know, but only, I ain't, I ain't having no pot pie
till I do the other thing, till I do my, you know.
When I have my own plans, stay with me.
What I'm saying is, I'm always, I'm, I'm always waiting
for everything to be perfect before I live my life.
I'm always waiting for everything to be perfect
before I live my life.
As soon as these things line up,
I'm gonna live my life.
Man, I'm so guilty of that.
You know, as soon as, you know, as soon as it, as soon as,
you know, this new medicine I'm using helps me,
and as soon as this shirt I ordered come in,
and as soon as I learned Spanish,
that, my shit, I learned, as soon as I learned Spanish
really well, like I'm a, you know,
a blue belt or whatever in it,
but I always want to wait till everything's perfect.
You know, Dustin Poirier noticed that about me.
And he said to me, point blank, he said,
hey man, you can't wait for everything to be perfect
to start living your life.
You can't wait for everything to be perfect
to start living your life.
And that hit me.
I mean, he packs a powerful punch,
and that, he, damn, he hit me with a damn word punch,
you know, with a word hook.
Because I've, I've been, that's what I've done.
My whole life has been like that.
Inside of me, it has been,
as soon as it's all lined up,
I'm gonna show you myself.
As soon as I've got it all looking the way I want,
I'm gonna show up for you.
And for me.
And man, those were just powerful words
that hit me this year.
And I'm not trying to preach at you or anything.
I just, you know, I was thinking the other day about
what has been kind of a highlight of my year,
something I heard this year.
What are some things that,
that stuck with me?
And that was, that was a big one.
He sent me a message and it said,
and sometimes you have to shoot a friend straight.
There's a lot of time where you can sit there
and you can be that shoulder.
But sometimes you gotta, you know,
you gotta be that fist, baby.
And I'm not talking, you know,
butt activity.
I'm not talking homosexual,
you know, homosexualizing.
I'm talking straight, being straight.
Or being gay,
but I'm talking about being a friend.
You know.
So anyway, man, that's,
that was something that,
that was something that,
that resonated heavy with me this year.
That I can't wait.
I can't wait, man.
It's not all gonna,
I'm never gonna get to that
where everything's okay.
Where everything looks a certain way.
And in the meantime,
I'm burning the best time
I do have available.
I'm burning that candle up.
I'm burning this candle down
and I'm saying as soon as it gets
bright enough
or warm enough in here,
I'm gonna show up.
But the candle's getting smaller.
It's a trap.
And that was something
that resonated with me this year.
That was something
that resonated with me this year.
I wanna thank you guys, yeah,
for being a part of the show
and being a part of my life.
Yeah, it's just,
man, it'd been a journey
and this year went fast, you know.
And if I want moments,
I gotta make them.
I gotta put my cleats on
when I show up.
And say, hey, right now,
this is gonna mean something.
This is gonna mean something.
Because time doesn't have the feeling.
It doesn't have as much.
It doesn't...
Time doesn't know how much we care.
And even worse than sad,
it doesn't care.
It doesn't care, man.
It's kind of sad,
but it's just,
that's our responsibility.
To make something
mean something.
And the time to start doing that.
The time was...
The time is already...
The time...
It's been time,
you know.
So...
Anyway,
that's enough.
I'm stepping down.
Just stepped down
off my high horse.
And I'm back
into the world, man.
What's going on?
Doing well,
being grateful.
You know,
I remember a buddy of mine
smoked so much crack
one time
and that he...
His appendix burst.
You know,
because I guess...
I guess your appendix
doesn't like crack.
And people hated him so much,
he burned so many bridges,
he couldn't get a ride
to the hospital.
So he had to run
to the hospital.
And damn,
if that isn't...
You know,
I love the Olympics
and shit,
but dang,
if that's not
an Olympic sport.
A spleen-splitted
crackhead
doing,
you know,
doing five kilometers
to the hospital
because...
Ah,
I tuned into that,
baby.
Okay,
we're going to get
into some calls
in a little bit.
What's going on
with me?
You know,
I spent Thanksgiving
over at Dustin Poirier's house.
I guess we're just
talking about
Dustin Poirier.
And look,
I'll tell you this,
people don't know
this about that fella.
He's a chef.
That fella is a chef.
I mean,
dude,
that is...
That's Chef Boyard
damage, bro.
Dude,
he was...
I showed up.
He was,
you know,
he's out in the yard.
I mean,
he was...
I mean,
he battered...
He battered two
fish fillets,
bruh.
And I mean,
he battered them bitches,
dog.
I saw...
He went
at least two and a half
rounds with them.
You know,
they had a tarpon
and his coach
wouldn't throw in the towel.
But damn,
he...
You know...
And one red snapper,
they went the distance,
but he won.
But damn...
I mean,
look,
man,
that man...
I went over there
and...
And it was exciting.
But I mean,
he had all of...
I mean,
this dude,
he...
Every two hours,
he was up all night
doing food.
He would go in the...
I mean,
he just had...
He had ovens
and this and that,
fire,
wood chipper.
Damn,
he had a...
somebody was cooking
the shit
just visually,
just some dude
staring as hard
as he could.
He had some dude
on PCP
just staring straight
into a ribeye,
just grilling
that bitch out
from the center,
cuz.
Man,
he was...
But I mean,
that dude,
every two hours,
he'd be up
with a ham.
I came downstairs.
One time,
he's over there,
breast...
He's over there
feeding the ham,
burping a ham
in a chair.
I said,
dang,
cuz,
what's going on,
cuz?
That man liked
to cook,
man.
He's snapping peas.
He's doing all...
I mean,
it was crazy.
He's singing...
He's over there
snapping peas
and singing
slave songs
and shit.
I said,
what?
This dude,
he really...
This guy's got
a coupl