Name: That Lord Portal | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #443
Uploaded: 2023-05-09T15:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That Lord Portal | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #443' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That Lord Portal | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #443' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-09. Transcript available.

That Lord Portal | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #443

we've got some new merch items to tell you about the be good to yourself crew
neck in teal it's
frosty and we got the new hoodie in bittersweet plus we've got the root beer t-shirts
from the
root beer cartoon all that and more at theovonstore.com oh baby
oh dang look at the baby it's so tiny it's so tiny
god i remember that song remember that from church oh look at the baby it's so
tiny it's so tiny
you know one time i went over to this i don't know if it was japanese or
chinese or
it was some knees that's all i'm gonna say it was some knees it was asian there
was
you know what i'm saying you could damn you could throw a pot of rice in this
church and hit an asian
they probably had unlimited asians in there you know it looked like uh
it looked like a um
it looked like a kind of a asiany asiany asian asian thing spot place asian
it was asian in there and uh
and i remember the first time i'd ever heard a batch of asians like that sing a
um church hymn
you know i think they were i don't know if they were first generation or not or
i'm not sure what
generation they were they were some of them had the the beat you know the
little
some asian people though if they get real old they get that catfish hair coming
out of them
and you could get you know you put a damn worm in front of one of them they'll
damn you know they'll
jump right out their damn kimono they'll jump right out their damn church
pajamas you know what
i'm saying they don't you put a spinner bait or something you throw a chicken
liver in front of a
you know you got them catfish asians baby they'll lurch
the alerts they got that you know they got that last bit of karate left in them
and they'll die you know
because it you know a lot of humans as they get older they you cross with an
animal at a certain point
a lot of humans cross with an animal and for a lot of asian
for a lot of asian that's catfish
you see that guy you know but yeah i'd never been to a church before where i
had seen um asian
multiple asian doing uh singing church hymns
and it was pretty cool man it just shows you that um that everybody can sing
you know and that there's a
that everybody no matter what ethnicity or culture that they all can sing uh
songs of faith and have
you know and be excited and stuff like that and be at church i remember i can't
remember the song now
but it was like uh do you see the baby
do you see the baby and they had a big screen in there and they'd have a
picture of a uh
you know the three wise men going to get uh jesus christ out of the sandcastle
so
anyway what i'm trying to tell you is happy mother's day i want to say that out
there to every type of mother every
every mother there's a lot of you there's a lot of you listening right now
and you're a mother you got something you know
there's no what that's how i mean that's god's peephole baby
that's how god looks out into the world through a mother
that i mean you are the you are the liaison
between
you know you're the on-ramp between the lord
and earth
you got that on-ramp
you got that thoroughfare
you know you got that you know
you got that yum tunnel on you
and that's how god but god that's how god serves them that's how he serves the
world
you know you're a woman's body a woman's
however they say it out there in some of these other continents the vying yay
that's how the you know
that's how the that that that that that's how the lord sir you know
that's how he just
puts people on earth
that's god's last hand that's his last that's his that's how he reaches out
into the world
through a woman through a mother that's really fascinating
if i told you there was a portal right say i come up to you you're sitting
somewhere you
having a sandwich or something you having a little cut of meat cut up uh cheese
you know you're having a cut of meat cut of cheese two breads
you know what it is a sandwich say you're having that you're sitting on a
little riverbank or
something i come up to you
i say buddy um i'm gonna tell you where there's a portal where you can go into
another realm
you'd be you'd be there in a heartbeat
well that's what that's what a mother mother that's the only way the only way
to get from the brain of the of god of the of the powers that be
of mother nature and father time the only portal is through a dang
woman a woman a mother
or this as some people call her i don't you know i don't say that
but anyway i just want to yeah i want to wish everybody a happy mother's day
you know um
you know sometimes i think that uh
people are just ideas they're like like what if god had an idea right and i say
god in the ethere in the
you can whatever god you want it can be everybody i have my you you can have
your own god
um but i think of people sometimes as like an idea of god like say you have an
idea right an idea kind
of comes in it comes into you like it comes out of kind of nowhere right like
if you have an idea in
your head it comes out of nowhere and some some ideas there they do they they
stick around they
they turn into something you know some ideas they make a difference they some
ideas really
get turned into something and can adjust the world can um can change things can
adjust a fan
can adjust something small or as big as the whole world you know ideas they can
you don't know how big an idea can be or how far an idea can go right if we
have an idea
so sometimes i think that humans they're just ideas of god really you know it's
like we show up in the
existence we have a purpose sometimes sometimes we don't sometimes we evaporate
and disappear early
you know sometimes we stay around for a long time sometimes we change our
environment
uh and sometimes we we we we can change the world you know so i don't know if
this is making sense but
i feel like life it's like being a lot it's like we're almost like an idea of
god
like if we have an idea it comes into fruition we do things with it some of
them are really helpful
some of them kind of come and go but if god when god has an idea that's us that's
a person
we're his idea we're like ideas of god we come into life we meander some
sometimes we have an effect on
and uh and uh and there we go so not sure if that makes sense but um that's
something that's just been
going on in my head uh i'm grateful to be here with you today um i'm grateful
to be thinking about mothers
i'm grateful to be thinking about mothers i got to see my own mother last
weekend in phoenix uh
arizona she came out there and and we had a nice time you know it's been a long
journey with my own
mother uh getting to know her and uh since we didn't have a connection when i
was young getting to have
a connection as adults um you know i talk a lot about that i'm not going to go
into that right now
but it was awesome to get to see her um we got to do the largest show we'd ever
done at the arizona
uh financial center dang bro dang
dude warm up the asians baby because i'll sing about that oh the baby is here
oh look at him
um that was magical i want to thank everybody for coming out to that it's a
different type of
energy man you're out there on the stage and you feel little god i feel so
little out there
um in a club i feel normal size regular size six foot 182 one arm a little bit
shorter than the other
neither arm
that long is neither long medium arms it's nothing you notice but if you know
you know
um what was i talking about
oh in that big in that in that vast of a space i feel like i think i almost
feel like a bird could
come down and just pick me up off the stage
you know it's almost like you feel like the mouse like you know somebody sees a
mouse they shine a light
on it and that's what it's like in there because it's big it's dark there's a
light on you
and i'm like man a big bird's gonna come and damn get me
god i don't want that i don't want some big dirty bird picking me up
but uh but that was incredible just thank you guys for just being a part of my
life for
wanting to come and see me wanting to uh wanting to let me see you um
you know or just i'm just glad we all get to spend our time together and it's
just been really it's
been cool and i know a lot of people they want to get to interact more um you
know and we do what we
can um but i just want to thank everybody for coming out we did one show that
was in a circle
and that's damn confused i mean it's like damn bro the whole time i feel like i'm
performing and
asking people for directions you know and nobody knows what i mean it just it
was in the round
at the celebrity theater and this place looked like a uh it looked like a white
castle but like the head
the like the the white castle like where you know where white lived or whatever
you know it looked like
the last white castle but like the biggest greatest white castle it looked like
a ceo where the ceo of
white castle would live this place it's in a just a big parking lot and there's
just a damn
castle in it but it's just a low castle it's just like a short castle that's a
low castle just damn
short castling so if you got it you know this castle it's like a it you know
short castle you're
like damn what is this but thank you i i had never done a thing in the circle
like that so it's damn
i'm damn dizzy you know halfway through the jokes i gotta hold on the stool or
something
uh it reminded me of the gravitron you know when you go to the fair as a child
you know where i lived you'd go to the fair and uh
and you'd get on the gravitron and we'd go over there a day early for 50 cents
they'd let you get
on a ride and you were experimental you didn't realize it you were a damn lab
rat they were
testing to make sure this worked and make sure there was no lice on the
equipment or whatever
because that god damn boy you get on one wrong ride you itch for a month cuz
i mean i swear to god my i have one but he had two nipples he itched one of
them right off bro
that's how bad he got uh
body lice
he's down on one damn nipple cuz
because the lice they they need a place to meet up at on the body
you know they're just like they're just like a group of white people at a um
music festival
they every now and then they gotta meet up somewhere and check on everybody
where's rhonda
how's ricky oh damn where's donna oh well tammy and them left they left they're
gone
so uh
lice are like that they want a place to meet up and god forbid it becomes your
wiener or uh
or something like that
or inner wiener that cooter that in that i do baby that that in wiener yeah you
know what
oh yeah you got the end winner don't you hey lady let me see that in wiener oh
damn mama got that in
wiener oh oh oh welcome to the world to the baby we're happy that you're here
i can't remember that asian church yeah but thank god they met up on his nipple
dog and
ate that because you get them body lice but um anyway what i'm trying to tell
you guys is
oh yeah it was like the damn gravitron like the shape of the place
and the gravitron you'd get over there a day early to the uh to the parish fair
the county fair and you
pay 50 cents and let you get on the ride and the gravitron you laid back
against the wall and the whole
thing would spin the damn thing was spinning
and it used all the power in the community damn your mom's blender would damn
shut down seven blocks
away so this bitch could spin and it was you could hear your you know the dad
your dad works at the
factory that bit shut down everybody's having power outages and right there in
the middle of the fairgrounds
the gravitron is spinning there and then you can't even it you get pushed
against the side so much
inside you can't close your mouth or eyes you're just like yeah i'm having fun
and then the guy right running it he'd be in the middle and he he was always
this rock and roll dude
you'd be like do you want to rock and one person you could barely the centrifugal
force was so strong
you could barely get your arm up a little bit like yes i do and then he damn
that guy would show you
his damn wiener every time that guy was a damn he wa