Name: Jim Gaffigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #453
Uploaded: 2023-07-18T15:00:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jim Gaffigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #453' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jim Gaffigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #453' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-18. Transcript available.

Jim Gaffigan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #453

We have some new tour dates and these are some new ones. Memphis, Tennessee, we've
added a show
August 4th and 5th at the Cannon Center for the Performing Arts.
I know the Chattanooga show sold out. Don't worry, don't go get a fancy price
ticket. We will come
back and you'll have another opportunity. Toronto, Ontario, August 30th, an
eighth show added in
Toronto. San Jose, California, we've added a second show September 14th and 13th.
Oakland,
California, September 16th at the Paramount. Akron, Ohio, we've added a show on
the 8th or 7th.
Washington, D.C., we've added a show October 19th and 20th. If your city is
sold out,
just keep an eye out. We'll come back through. We also have some tickets left
for Windsor, Ontario
on August 18th. Get your tickets through theovon.com slash T-O-U-R and thank
you so much for coming out
and supporting the Return of the Rat Tour. Today's guest is an iconic comedian,
actor. I watched one
of his movies not long ago. So good. This is his second time on the podcast. He's
out of Indiana
and he has a new special coming out on Amazon next week called Dark Pale. He
has a new television
series too. You can check out called Full Circle on Max. I'm grateful to chop
it up with my buddy today,
Mr. Jim Gaffigan.
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
I'll be singing
I'm going to stay
I don't know what you're, you know, if you're with a podcasting thing or, but
it's like the impact. See, that looks better probably. Yeah, that looks nice. I'm
a good looking guy. I, yeah, well, I think. So does it feel like you're getting,
like you've got something special here? Is it feel like the podcast is getting
busier? Yeah. Yeah, it feels like it's getting
I feel like it's getting busier. I feel like we've been really lucky. I think
we're independent, too, since we don't work with a network. I think that people
like that. What is the what makes you connect with people? I mean, it's the
everyman thing. But it's also like, is there another, you know, authenticity?
People crave that, right? Yeah, maybe they do. I think they probably do.
Especially these days, you know, yeah, I think we want to try and I mean, yeah,
if I hear something that seems that's real, or somebody's talking about
something that means something to them. I think it means a lot. Yeah, I don't
know why we've been really fortunate. I, you know.
Yeah, we've had, we've gotten to have some unique guests. I think, you know, I've
always enjoyed talking to all different types of people. You know, I think I'm,
I'm a late learner, kind of, you know, some podcasters, they have a lot of
information.
Right. I don't have it.
Right.
But I am curious about a lot of stuff.
Curiosity is key, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think I want to learn still, you know, yeah, you look, but you look
handsome, man.
Oh, thank you.
What's the most handsome you've ever felt in your life? You ever think about
that? Like, was there ever a...
That's a very good question. You know, as a male model, I struggle with it. No,
I don't think I've ever really
felt particularly handsome. I always seem to look at pictures from the past and
go, oh, that was, I should have been happier.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
I, you know, and I, my, you know, having teenagers, you know, it's so brutal
being a teenager. And I'm like, dude, you got a good, you know, your metabolism's
working still.
Yeah.
You can, you know, you can have a pint of ice cream that's not, doesn't make a
dent.
Your dexterity.
Yeah.
Your hair health is even, your hair is strong.
You know, like, you know, like...
You don't have a mustache yet.
They don't, they don't hear, like, when people, like, aches and pains, they don't
have aches and pains, really.
Not a chance.
But I don't know. I never really, I never really felt particularly good looking.
I feel like I've never been, that's never been an asset.
How about you?
I, you seem like, I feel like a Nord, in like a Nordic area, you would have,
you would be a, I could see you being a, like a...
Like Hasselhoff in Sweden?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no.
I, like, yeah.
That's very kind of you.
Like a Nordic kind of mountain model.
There is, there, you know, like, among comedians, there is, like, there is this
strange thing where I think some comedians get embraced as being attractive.
But I don't think that's in my, that's not a theoretical thing that, you know,
like Steve Carell, like, I think there was, like, this is just maybe me, you
know, getting it from Twitter.
But, you know, women were like, Steve Carell, you know, it's like, I'm like,
Steve Carell.
Yeah, that's, I didn't see that coming.
Yeah, but I don't think that's, that's not in the likelihood or the possibility
for me.
What about, like, in the 1700s or something?
Like, was there a time period, you think?
Because, I mean, I think, I think you're handsome, you're height, you're tall,
so that gives you some handsomeness.
Well, pale, you know, and then there was the Rubenesque period.
Like, you know, like, being, being pudgy means that you're not poor and being
pale means that you're not working in the field.
But I don't think that's been relevant.
Oh, you'd have been the rock, dude, in the 1600s.
1600s, I would have been, people would have been, there would have been posters.
I mean, they all would have been drawn.
They're like, did you see how, how pale and fat that guy is?
Oh, my gosh.
God, he's beautiful.
He's so hot.
Is that Emily Ratajkowski?
Right?
I would be like the male Ratajkowski of, think about, like, the breakthrough.
I mean, there's so many beautiful women, but Emily Ratajkowski, like, you
brought that up.
I knew exactly what you mean.
What is it about her and how long have you been dating her?
Yeah.
Because it's not out of the possibilities.
I'm a married man, but I don't know.
You could date her.
I don't get Emily Ratajkowski.
I get.
You don't get, you don't get it?
I get that she's pretty.
Yeah.
I get that.
Yeah.
She looks pretty to me, but I don't get hit on by that type of gal.
No.
No.
I get.
Who do I get?
Well, let me, let's put it out there.
I get a lot of, like, people, like, you know, kind of rural women will send me,
like, a nude picture, kind of be like, and drive out here and eat this.
They'll say stuff like that.
Because they're ladies, right?
Good point.
And they're.
But they're, like, they're, it sounds like it involves some travel.
Yeah.
Well, it's out.
Some travel.
A lot of them are outside of the city limits.
It's a connecting flight, too, which is, like, you're, like, you know, but, you
know, I'm kind of, I'm kind of a suburban rural guy, too.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I mean?
So, like, I think, and I don't know if we talked about this last time, but,
like, there is something of, I mean, look, I love, I live in New York, and I've
lived in New York for 30 years, but, like, when I, like, these different
markets, you know, these cities or smaller towns, like, I have, I have a good
time there.
Like, when I hang out in Cedar Rapids or Fort Wayne, I'm, like, and I'll go to
a restaurant, I'm, like, yeah, this is, this feels very familiar, and, like.
Want your pie first, sir?
No, no, but do you know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah.
It's, like, a steakhouse in Cedar Rapids.
Yeah, that's, I'd prefer that than a super fancy restaurant in New York or L.A.
Yeah, that's a good point, man.
I think I do, too.
I think you feel more at ease, more comfortable, more likely to see a fight.
I feel like there's more, you know, somebody will come over and say they like
your blouse or your shirt or something.
You can wear an apron in there, and people don't look at you weird.
Yeah, you know, like, there is, like, if a guy, no one's in an outfit.
Like, that's, like, if no one's, kind of, dressing, like, Eddie Vedder.
Yeah.
They dress like Eddie Vedder.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you'll see, you'll see the most beautiful women.
Oh, God, yeah.
The most beautiful, like, you ever been to, like.
That's Monsanto, dude.
Monsanto will preserve a babe.
You know what I'm saying?
You get some of those field dames, those daughters of farmhands, brother.
Oh, well, I just think of, like, times when I, you know, I've been on bus tours
with my family and we'll go horseback riding.
And there will be just, like, working at some horse ranch.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
And, you know, she probably sleeps with the horses, and she smells like the
horses, but not an ounce of makeup on her.
And she's better looking than any woman in the city.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm a great guy.
I don't know if I brought that up.
No, I think, look, you seem like a great guy, and I think it's, yeah, it's
interesting, I think, the, like, beauty, like, how we feel beauty, how we feel
if we're handsome.
I think it's interesting, because I'll look at old pictures of myself as well,
and be like, man, you had a chance with girls.
You didn't think you had any chance in the world.
Right, right.
But you had a, you were, or you just thought so lowly of yourself, but, man,
you were doing good.
Yeah, no.
And you wasted the time.
That's what I feel like sometimes I go back on it.
Well, I think there's anxiety and, you know, there's the chemicals racing
through you when you're a teenager.
It's hard.
By the way, I think, you know, having a couple of teenagers, I think it's way
harder to be a teenager now than it was.
Is it really?
Oh, brutal.
So when we went to high school, we were compared to this pool of people in our
school.
I mean, kids today, they're compared to everyone on social media.
It's brutal.
Oh, that's true.
I never thought about that.
And so, like, also the adventures that we would go on to, like, find, you know,
weed or pornography, it was an adventure.
And now it's kind of thrust on these kids.
And so, you know, I'm sure there's scientific explanation, but it's almost like,
you know, you had to go on a scavenger hunt to even get in trouble, at least
for me.
Right, so there was a journey to it, too, you know?
Yeah, whereas now it's, you know, it's pretty easy.
You can get it delivered now, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And that's great when you're 30, 40, but, like, when you're 15 or 18, it's,
like, it's almost too easy to get weed now.
Oh, yeah, it's too easy to get high, it's too easy to get anything.
I mean, I remember with pornography, we had this dude in our neighborhood named,
they called him Skittle was his nickname, and he was, like, impaired or
whatever.
Yeah.
You know, he had impairment.
Well, what kind of impairment?
He didn't have, his legs didn't work.
Yeah.
So, he was in, oh, he was, he was handicapped.
He was bipedal or whatever, what is that called?
Paraplegic?
Paraplegic?
Yeah, this para.
So, like, just his, like, was he in a wheelchair?
Yeah, he was in a wheelchair, but sometimes they would, and then at the video
store, they would, his, like, handler or whatever, who was his cousin, would
push, would, like, get him out and let him crawl under the, uh, into the nudie
room in there.
Oh, that's nice.
And people would be, I mean, you would kind of, because you knew he was
probably, and I hate to say this, you knew he was never going to mate in his
life, right?
Probably, but people would be so excited, you know, they'd be like, Skittles in
a nudie room, you know?
And, and was he called Skittles because he enjoyed the candy Skittles, or?
I don't know, that's a good question.
I think he, uh, he, I, from what, I think he liked all candies, I remember, but
he just, yeah, people, I don't know, there was just something excited about him.
People would be like, oh, Skittles in a nudie room, and people would be so
excited.
It's so amazing how there was a nudie room.
There was, there was, I mean, the, the Blockbuster, it was just kind of like,
hey, we're not going to have that.
Yeah, we don't believe in that.
But, like, the off, kind of, like, the independent stores, there would be, uh,
there would be kind of, like, movies, you know, like, regular 