Name: Flea Market | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #458
Uploaded: 2023-08-15T15:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flea Market | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #458' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flea Market | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #458' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-15. Transcript available.

Flea Market | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #458

all right i have some new tour dates to announce uh we just added a third show
in milwaukee
on september 9th at the riverside theater tickets for that are on sale now i'll
also
be in oakland california akron ohio washington dc las vegas nevada um some of
those have new shows
those are all at theovon.com slash t-o-u-r and thank you so much for your
support new merch for
you merch heads out there we've got some new shorts that's right the rat life
shorts in blue salmon
and sand we've also got the new tie-dye be good to yourself teas in aqua creamsicle
and indigo
get that and more only at theovonstore.com morgan wallen uh cut his hair he cut
his hair
and we don't know why
we don't know why but we are
we're praying for him we're with him still
so okay we love him um good day good evening good afternoon good time good tidings
to you
wherever you are
man uh happy uh august to you mid august can you believe it can you believe it
that school's back
in can you believe it that life is just continuing to happen life just life
just keeps happening
life is like hey guess what and you're like what and it's like bam more life it
just never stops giving
you more life that's life unlimited life hey you want another scoop of life boy
and we are happy to be alive though i am i'm happy to be alive because this is
it
you know i make that choice some days some days i don't but some days i say
this is it and how am i
going to handle it um the other night a guy was giving me directions and i'd
pulled over and i was
talking about something and he was explaining where something was and he goes
it's right over there behind
that um and they had a lit up sign it said flea market that's what the letters
on the sign would say
but some of the letters had were burned out and this guy was um i don't want to
say homeless but i would
say semi-homeless or hadn't you know this guy probably i bet this guy hadn't
been home in probably
probably 12 or 14 months so he was like a street baby
and so he was trying to give me he'd tell me where this place was that he'd
went to and he goes
it's right over there behind that um and he sees the big sign on this kind of
building space that says
flea market but some of the letters were burned out so it just said fl
m and then k-e-t those were the letters you could still see
so instead of just deducing that it said flea market the guy's like well it's
you know it's
right over behind the um the um
right it's right it's right if he goes if you go right behind you see that uh
that
and i'm just thinking like is this how does this guy not know that this sign
says flea market
just the br i mean he was like it's you just go behind the uh food food food
cut the film cut
just go you go right around there and you'll be there he said you'll you'll be
and you'll get there
and i'm sorry i don't know that just made me laugh uh food
the food you got to go right if you go right behind the
you'll get there that's where it is it's behind the good
so flea market
flea market anyway i don't know what that all meant um
good to be with you happy school time i know a lot of you uh a lot of you you
have children going
back to school or you're going back to school um some of you've never been to
something you can't read
and that's why you listen to things um but god do you remember it
do you remember it going back to school
it was such a big time you know i remember first you get your clothes you got
the big thing was
getting school clothes you know you get school clothes and you would set them
on the bed you had
to see how they looked how does this with that dude sometimes i would even i
would lay down on the
bed and i would lay my clothes on top of me instead of just because i you didn't
want to put them on
you you didn't want to break those you didn't want to be in them until that
first day of school
and so then you know you would get you i would lay there in bed and just have
them on me
how do i look i'd make my brother come in the room how do i look i'd have them
all just laid on me
you know almost like i was just um deactivated or whatever deceased i'd just be
laying there with
all my new stuff on me how do i look um and then that first day when you wore
the clothes that was
something crazy boy you put them on you're like this is it we're ready and we
had to get to the bus stop
that's something we had to do for for school we had to get to that bus stop and
you know if you
because my mom would be gone my mom would leave a note hey i went to work or i've
left you guys
it'd be something a note kind of like that um there's peanut butter in the
fridge it would say
just something where you were like okay we don't have a chance you know um
and then i'd put my book bag and i'd have to run to the bus our bus was it was
probably about
two good real blocks away you had to go two full blocks to get to that bus stop
maybe two maybe maybe
two and a half blocks and i don't know if you have maybe some of you guys have
done like a uh
10k or a 6k or whatever hell maybe some of you have done a couple grams of k of
ketamine you know
some fish scale and uh you know and just laid on your back you know semi-erect
on some on a stranger's
balcony i don't know that some that doesn't matter but what i'm saying is if
you've ever been in like
an adventure race if you've ever done a 10k or a tough mudder or you know a
march of dimes um
or a wad a crossfit wad you know those are tough things to do but nothing is as
tough as being let's
say a fifth grader with a heavy backpack who is running to get to the bus stop
to not miss the bus
who is running to not miss the bus because here's what starts happening you get
going
and you're going and you're doing good you're like i'm gonna learn okay i'm
gonna learn soon
i'm gonna learn but then that heavy backpack it starts going it's too heavy it
starts kind of
wobbling too fast behind you so now the backpack kind of has like a energy of
its own and you have
to basically you almost have to stop let the backpack come to rest and then get
going again
you know because you look like a you look like a penguin that's just you know
that's done a gram or something that's grammed out baby um so that was always
the most hectic was
whenever you were late for the bus but you had that huge heavy backpack and it
would just like
it would start be like it would come around to the sides you it was so like
like it was crazy when you were seeing your backpack it would swing all the way
almost in front of you on
each side as you as the different legs of yours move forward you know because
it was just getting out
of control and you have to stop and let it settle down and then you start going
again um so that was
always that was harrowing dude getting to the bus that was a that was the
toughest thing and then here's
the crazy part as you were approaching the bus stop you didn't want to run
because you didn't want
people at the bus stop seeing you run to learn because that was the most nerd
shit you could be doing
like oh this dude running to learn
we're gonna this guy is not this dude is a narc you know this guy is trouble
this guy wants a future
that was frowned upon so you would have to like hurry but not as soon as people
like were looking
you couldn't you had to stop hurrying like i don't care if i miss it i don't
need to learn
you know what i'm saying bro education is for dummies man so uh so then you had
to kind of slow it it was
just this crazy like in our neighborhood it was just this crazy thing to get
over there you know
it was this crazy thing and i remember one time somebody stood in an ant pile
at the bus stop and
somebody's daddy came out and um put uh gasoline all over them
to help him out or whatever um but that was a crazy thing i remember about
getting back to school
it was just such a harrowing time going back to school was just such like a you
know you were going
back to school it was your that was where the world happened that was where you
touched society
that's where you learned where you had a chance at meeting a a spouse or
something you know or a
whatever that's where it all it was like that was the the greek the center of
of of existence that
was the nucleus that was the core of your earth at the time going to school
and yet then you'd get on the bus that was oh
dude i remember i get on the bus and it was scary at like you got on the bus
and first i remember our bus was it was black and white children on our bus
so first you had like these two chick they were both pregnant in each of the
first seats the first
seats was for chicks that was pregnant or semi-pregnant you know what i'm
saying um
and so you had i remember one time we had these chicks we had tiffany and we
had largish and both in
them they had been somebody lit them up with that seedling baby you know what i'm
saying that zygote baby
somebody freaking you know put that baby that uh somebody put that goldfish in
the bowl on them babies
so you had them two then in the next seat you had like this brother this dude
he had knocked both of
them up so he was right there you know this dude inmate crandall i think was
his name this bro he was
you know you know and that's a crazy name for somebody but that was the name
they they knew about the jump
this dude where he was headed bro so that was it that you know that was it so
you had and i remember
that dude for 50 cents he'd let you see his wiener or he would just show you
his wiener for no money
so he wasn't like the best businessman but but you had to see a little bit of wiener
if you wanted to
get past that second row of seats right and that you know that's just what it
was like on the school bus
so you had to you see the girls you kind of do a little prayer for them
and the offspring or potential offspring you'd see inmate crandall you nod at
him
maybe peeked at wien if he was showing root you know and then the next seat it
was like a mixed kid
right and that was like okay this is because when you were on the bus you kind
of were walking past
the seat so fast you it was hard to make choices where do i sit am i cool am i
not cool what it was
almost like it was like where god put you in a filing cabinet or where life
puts you in a filing
cabinet of how cool or whatever your status was in the world at that moment
like do you sit by the
kid who's playing a a game boy or a switch you know a game boy at the time
would you okay do i sit
by him that dude's a nerd do i sit in this seat sometimes you sit in the seat
and have a you know
some weird kid in there you know my we have my mom's missing you know and you're
like oh dude you
know and the kid's got rope burns on his wrists and and you know you're like is
everything okay at the
house and he's like we love houdini you know he's just saying like you know we
watched david blaine
videos or just something whatever somebody told you know his captors told him
to say or whatever and then
um you get to the next row and it was like two girls that had just gotten their
first thing of
fucking lipstick right and their moms was on pills and so they were
they were just pat like just had made their lips like as big as just
i mean they just as big as mine and you're like okay do i sit by the jocks the
jocks seem real cool
they're you know oh no i don't sit there it was kind of where you figured out
where you sit you know
you know do i sit by
you know the girls no it's hard it was like oh god that's a cute girl she's
kind of quiet
you know then there was some kid like who had a broken arm or something like i'm
not fucking
sitting by old bad luck hansen right there that dude but that was always a
crazy time i remember
getting onto the school bus and being like okay where do i sit am i cool am i
not cool and you
couldn't get to the back of the bus was like the old kids you had to so if you
weren't old you had to
figure that out before you got to the back you know and finally you duck in
somewhere where just
somebody seemed safe enough or cure or ju