Name: Lean Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #475
Uploaded: 2023-12-21T14:17:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lean Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #475' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lean Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #475' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-21. Transcript available.

Lean Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #475

I have some new tour dates to tell you about. We've just added a third show
over there in
Auckland, New Zealand on February 24. We've also added a second show in
Brisbane in the Australia
on March 1. And second shows were also added in Sydney, Melbourne, and Gold
Coast in the Australia
with limited tickets remaining. We also have limited tickets remaining in Charlottesville,
State College, PA, Syracuse, New York, and Amherst, Massachusetts. All tickets
are available
at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. And if you're going to secondary sites and stuff
and they're
real expensive, just wait. We'll come back around and, um, and yeah, I just don't
want you wasting
or just, I appreciate it, but I don't want you overspending. Thank you guys
very much for all
your support. Love you. We made it. Uh, Merry Christmas to you. Um, happy
holidays to you.
If you don't celebrate Christmas, some people don't, or they celebrate it, but
they don't
care about Jesus or whatever, or, you know, they don't, you know, I don't care
if you make,
some people celebrate Lloyd Christmas and that's fine too. Um, you know, it's
whoever your deity is,
people have different deities and, uh, leaders. Some people love, um, you know,
uh, Jesus. Some people
love, um, Buddha, um, whatever, you know what I'm saying? There's different, uh,
deities that people
believe in. Papa John, some people, two mediums and, uh, uh, two liter of Sprite
is their Lord and
savior. People have different things that they love. Happy holidays. Merry
Christmas. Um,
yeah, here we are. I can't believe we made it this far, man. We're traveling
into the future. It's the end
of 2023. Time is keeps on ticking into the future. I'm gonna play a couple of
little Christmas tunes.
This is how I do it this time of year. Some of y'all know that. Let's hear a
couple of little.
Yeah, that's very
romantic kind of, or soft,
very ICU Christmas almost. If somebody's in ICU, you might play this while you
bottle feed them.
You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be okay, Ronnie. Just drink you some of this milk, buddy. Drink
you some of this milk.
Yeah, that has a very ICU vibe. I think you're gonna be fine, Ronnie. Get you
some of this milk,
Ronnie. Get you a little sip of it.
Here's another one. Um, that one was called, uh, a Christmas miracle by one man
quartet over there.
And I don't know where that's from or something. Sounds like some prison shit.
Sounds like some whites in prison did it. Or some Swedes in prison. Put that
together. Beautiful track there. We got something right here. It's from Paris
for Christmas. It's called.
A lot of bagpipes up in that one, huh?
It gets a little too Irish for you. It's a little too bag, but a little too
Irish for me. You know,
it's like, uh, just, just molest me father and quit playing the tunes. You know,
I'll let you touch me
if you quit playing the bagpipes there, Donnie. I'll let you touch my, uh, what
else we got here?
That was by of north. And here's another one.
Oh yeah, baby.
Y'all, I like this, baby. Damn, come on. I'll lick my lips. I'll lick your lips.
My God, baby. This is what gets me going, baby.
I want to just...
I just want to take your titties off your body and just put them into my mouth,
baby. Girl, love me, Lord.
That's a beautiful track right there. And that is by Stur Zetterberg over there.
That's called Merry Christmas, baby by Stur. Sturry. Sorry. Sturry Zetterberg
up there.
And here's another one we got right here.
Oh yeah, this is like you're pushing a senior citizen uphill in a wheelchair
kind of...
Don't worry, Pop. We'll get you there. Don't worry, Pop.
Just keep your feet off the ground, Pop. We're gonna keep pushing ya.
Something very romantic about that one right there.
That's called Going Home for Christmas. That's Home for the Holidays.
Over there.
We got this one right here. Another one.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, that's that urban Christmas, baby. Come on now.
Come on, Santa.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, Santa here.
Come on now.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Santa, Santa, he out there. Santa, he in the streets. Santa, he in the streets.
Santa.
Santa, he doing drive-by gifting. Santa, he cooking chicken. Santa, Santa.
Welcome to Atlanta, Santa.
Welcome to Atlanta, Santa, ooh.
And he got all his L's over there. T.I., one of them. You know that.
You know that, bruh. T.I., little Boosie. He at the front of the sleigh. Boosie,
baby.
Look, he might not even take you. Boosie take you wherever the he want to take
everybody, bruh.
Your Santa be like, damn, what the fuck? What we doing down here?
We down here in Baton Rouge, baby. We down here in Scotlandville, baby.
What? Boosie done took us off track, baby.
Walk me down.
Oh, that's Christmas, baby.
Well, you know, I like to play a little bit of the Christmas tunes in the
beginning there off of Epidemic Sound.
They just, and I don't work for Epidemic Sound.
They just, it's a place you can go look and they have different just pieces of
music and sounds and you can just
go on through them.
But that was Magic Day by Loving Caliber.
And I love that, man.
I would love to be able to have the experience of having different
ethnicity Christmases, you know.
Get you a little Chinese Christmas, baby.
Get you a little, you know, pork fried reindeer, whatever.
Get you a little cut of that.
You know, get you some bok choy on some damn grilled panda or whatever they eat
over there.
Merry Christmas.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Sorry.
Stringing up these lights.
I don't know if you remember some of the Christmas sound music they had over
the years.
That was the thing that got me sometimes.
Just the different sounds, you know.
Then the first day of Christmas.
I don't know if anybody remembers that one.
My true love gave to me five onion rings.
That was all like.
That was fun.
Like I remember listening to that.
That was always something fun to do with the family, you know.
On the birthday, I might be stringing up these lights.
Praise God, baby.
Jesus is born.
Jesus is born.
Away in a manger.
No crib for a bed.
Dude, that's a trick.
Christmas music can be a trap.
It'll make you think you can sing.
That's the only problem.
It'll make you think, you know.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Christmas music will do it.
Merry Christmas to everybody.
Thank you for being a part of my universe.
Sorry if I seem a little bit all over the place.
I got off my medication about 11 days ago.
And so I just, you know, I noticed that even when I was talking with Kat Von D,
I was just, I felt it was hard for me to listen a little bit.
I felt kind of erratic, you know, or not homoerratic, just all over the place.
Yeah.
And I got a buddy that's homoerratic.
That dude, he's all over the place, bro.
And he's also hunting a little bit of that dude meat.
You feel me?
That freaking Christmas stick, baby.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
He hunting a little bit of that winter front rudder, baby.
You know what I'm talking about?
That whiner, boy.
Praise God.
Shout out to everybody that's gay and everything.
Gay, Chinese, baby, lesbian, everything.
Maybe we love you guys and black, everybody, European.
I'm just, you know, we all are coexisting here in the universe.
And I'm excited to see us do that even better as time goes forward.
Underneath the Christmas tree.
Yeah, that was Vince Vance and the Valiants.
I like them.
What else was I?
The silver bells.
Swinging up these lights.
Sorry, guys.
I'm all over the place.
I'm happy.
I'm happy that we're hitting the end of the year.
The only guy that's got a lot left to do this year usually is you know who I'm
talking about.
Your boy, Santa Claus, son.
Everybody this year getting, oh, Ozempic.
That's what Santa's just, Santa's been compromised, bro.
I heard it's just a dude just with a sleigh full of Ozempic now.
That's what I heard.
It's just some fucking white dude with a sleigh full of Ozempic, bro.
And they got, I heard they paid up, you know, Big Pharma paid the North Pole
enough.
They off work this year.
So you just got, you know, it's just going to be a Ozempic dealer.
And people's on Ozempic.
That's, bro, that's that fat crack.
That's what people calling it.
That fat cane, baby.
People on Ozempic.
You'll meet a dude, he lost 1,100 pounds, bro, in 45 minutes.
Times have changed, man.
It's a lean Christmas, man.
It's just going to be a couple big Pharma reps just humming injectables out of
a damn Cessna.
All around the world, man.
Yeah, and just the, I don't know if Ozempic seems safe, man.
You'll see somebody, they're like, yeah, I'm 38 years old and I'm down to 55
pounds.
Yeah, thank God.
I can fit into a lot of my same clothes I wore in fourth grade.
Yeah, my skin makes a weird noise when I smile.
But other than that, man, I'm doing great.
They start fucking glitching.
They just start, you know, they're like, I'm doing great.
Oh, I weigh seven pounds.
I can't remember who I am.
My resting heart rate is two.
But I'm doing well.
I'm doing well.
I'm, I'm doing well.
Oh, I'm, I'm on, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Then they start burping.
You ever talk to that Ozempic user?
You start talking to them and they just.
They just start blowing bubbles.
It's like some, you know.
Somebody, dude, you'll be talking to an Ozempic user.
They'll just fucking eat a bug that flew by.
You're like, what the fuck?
And then just the side effects, bro.
Some Ozempic or Ozempians or whatever they call them.
These, they got some side effects, bro.
They're like, I can't close my eyes or I will.
Shit myself.
They're like, I can't breathe anymore, but I'm doing good.
I lost 46 pounds.
I'm going to heaven.
You're like, what the fuck?
Chill out, Melissa.
You need a fucking little, you need a smoothie, Melissa.
You're fucking losing your shit.
People are shooting up in their cars at lunch.
And no shade there, man.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm just clowning.
I'm not trying to hurt nobody's feelings there, but.
Bells will be ringing.
I can't bend my knees anymore.
Every dream I have has Katy Perry in it, but I'm doing better than ever.
Can somebody close my eyes for me so I can get some rest?
I ain't losing my mind.
I try to jump out a window to take my own life, but I only weigh 17 ounces.
So I just floated back down to earth.
Thank you, Ozympic.
Has anyone seen my children?
But then you have the alternate guy.
You have the guys like, man, fuck, Ozympic doesn't even fucking work.
You know, I've, you know, I've been on the ship for two years.
I gained a hundred pounds, man.
I gained a hundred, a hundred, a hundred, a hundred.
A hundred, a hundred pounds, man.
You know?
And then the guy will blame his wife.
My wife keeps fucking shooting the shit into me.
And I'm fucking, you know?
And then the guy will lick his lips for like 70 minutes.
You know?
And then pull a fucking beautiful little gum drop out from under his tongue or
something.
Or he'll keep a damn butter scotch up in his mouth.
And that he'd been sucking on that bitch, you know?
But yeah, I think Santa's just, that's, I don't know if Santa's gonna make it
this year.
I think he might've been taken over by, uh, by Big Pharma.
I wouldn't be shocked.
But yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if Santa's on the peptides.
Everybody is.
We all do things and try stuff to want to be different, feel different.
I'm just fascinated by the, uh, you know, I, I, I've known women who are
driving down to Mexico
to get Ozempic or Ozempic or whatever they got down there, you know?
Oh, homie, you're gonna be fucking skinny, homie.
Dog, if you go to prison, you can just, right between the bars, homie, you're
out of there.
Dog, they got nothing on you, dog.
Yeah, that pe- people didn't realize like Ozempic is just fucking, you're free,
homie.
Viva la revolucion, papa.
Annie Dufresne.
They busted a lady with 60 grams of fake Ozempic over there outside of a vineyard
vines.
You know, and all we can do is pray for her.
But still, it's, this is real shit.
It's interesting.
It's an interesting, interesting, uh, phenomenon is what it is.
That's a damn phenomenon, you know?
Uh, and people are 